mm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Monday, 09/19/16, 11:17am

Wow. Today wasn't supposed to be like this. I've had many different ideas of what today was going to look like over the past few weeks since it's a day off from school for the boys, but depression was never supposed to be part of today. Or yesterday for that matter.

We had a wonderful weekend with our friend from high school visiting. She is a long-time friend, since the beginning of high school for me, end of high school for Nasser, and it just so happens that several years later, Nasser and I met at one of her Christmas parties. So you could say she brought us together. :)

Anyway, she flew in Friday evening and out Sunday in the middle of the day. It was a whirlwind visit, but we tried not to plan too much. Some things, like RG's horseplay class horse show,

and the neighborhood picnic were unavoidable, but we didn't make any huge plans for hikes or trips up to the mountains. Those would have been wonderful, but I think we all needed a more relaxing visit close to home.

Lots of catching up, my friend (a gymnast) helped TK into several little cartwheels and flips and hanging upside down. We have known for awhile that we NEED to get this kiddo into gymnastics but having some of her influence this weekend, made us realize it more. The videos below show some of the reasons I think he'd be great at it, and LOVE it. He's obsessed with using his upper body strength at playgrounds. :)

So, at this point, you're probably like, hey girl, you're avoiding talking about the depression. Maybe. But then writing about the good stuff is really therapeutic to me as well. I'm getting there. Be patient.

Yesterday soon after we woke up, though, we found out my sister's father-in-law passed away on Saturday. Getting hit with another close death, one who was close to my own parents' ages, and feeling so much for my sister and my brother-in-law and his family, and my nephews, I was feeling a lot of sadness yesterday, which sometimes triggered other depression-related things.

I drove my friend to the airport yesterday morning, and I cried almost the whole way home. I cried for my sister's father-in-law, I cried for Adam, I cried for my aunt who died earlier this year. I cried about death. What a crappy year.

I feel so mortal this year.

A little after I got back from the airport, my mother-in-law and her husband arrived, Indian takeout in hand. It was a nice day spent with them, I took some hammock alone time after lunch. But I couldn't feel happy.

And I tried...

For once I didn't really hide my sadness entirely from the others. First I told Nasser I wasn't doing well, but openly fought tears or let into tears several times throughout the day. But yesterday, it was more sadness, more grief.

Today, I panicked before my shower. I started panicking about everything we had to do between now and leaving for our Bermuda trip tomorrow evening. And then once the tears started, I just couldn't really fight them. I held it together when I went into my psychiatrist's office, but only in the waiting area. I couldn't hold it together when I told Nasser I needed him at my appointment with me, I couldn't hold it together when I sat there telling my doctor how things have been going, and I couldn't hold it together when I drove to, or from, my appointment, and I couldn't hold it together when I told my step father-in-law that I didn't think I could come with on this mountain excursion planned for today, and I couldn't hold it together when RG asked me why I couldn't come today and he then utterly refused to go as well, and I couldn't hold it together when I asked for help from a few of my local mom friends for a different appointment tomorrow (thank goodness that was all on facebook chat and NOT in person), and I can't hold it together every time my thoughts stray towards "I am a failure".

It is ok though for me to have a bad day. Or couple of days. I have to allow that with grief, and apparently I have to allow that with stress and periods as well. Because yeah, the period is happening now. Right smack in the middle of everything else, and in time for these flights to Bermuda (I hate having my period on a plane and with an effing red-eye flight thrown in there) and I really didn't want my period on any beach/snorkeling/swimming days. WTF. Hopefully it at least finishes before the end of the trip. And the plane rides are really going to be the absolute worst of it.

And now I'm going to fight that urge to apologize for "TMI" because I'm not gonna. Because as we recall, I want to make it normal to talk about menstruation.

Today, I have just a few things I'm going to do. Blogging was high on the priority list, but there's also all the laundry and the list-making and the packing. I can do it, right? Even if I have to lay on my bed and cry every half hour, I can still accomplish a lot.

RG is home with me, which wasn't supposed to happen in one of those plans for today. He would get a reading and video game day if I do nothing else. But the two of us had a long talk yesterday in the hammock about his cousins' grandpa, illness, cancer and chemotherapy. I taught him a little about the immune system and told him about vaccines and some of the diseases they protect him against, we talked about illness in previous centuries and plagues and death. Perhaps it was all very morbid, but he learned a ton and he loved getting personal mommy time to talk. When TK kicked us out of the hammock so he and grandma could have some time, RG asked me to continue the conversation more. But something happened when we came inside. I started ruminating again and I had to postpone the Mommy-RG time until today (hopefully).

It makes me nervous, all these ideas and expectations that so easily form in my head as I write about my plans for today. I gotta remember to take it easy and slow and controlled today. I am cutting myself slack today by not going up into the mountains, and I'm making it easier to finish some of the tasks that need to happen before our trip. But I'm going to breathe and say, I got this. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's good to take care of myself. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's ok.

and then we’ll take flight up in these wild skies, and we’ll greet the moonrise when the day is spent

Friday, 09/16/16, 1:22pm

This week has actually been... ok. Maybe it's been going better, maybe the new meds are starting to kick in for real now, and maybe I didn't need to blog as much. Or maybe I was simply busy this week and wanted my free time as me time, not blogging time.

But a week without blogging is kinda a lot for me.

I have a lot I'm looking forward to over the next 10ish days. I think that has helped too.

We have a friend flying in for a visit tonight through Sunday, we'll see Nasser's mom and her husband for a bit on Sunday, and on Tuesday, we leave for...  Bermuda. That's right, B E R M U D A.

We are going withOUT kids and attending a wedding while we're there, but getting several extra free days in to relax, see some sites, enjoy the beautiful outdoors and ocean and beach. We've known about this Bermuda wedding for quite some time and knew from the beginning that kids would not be invited. And we've been planning for this for so long. Flights, accommodations were booked well in advance, we had my parents lined up for months to watch our kids. I can't believe it now that it's almost here though. It's always been this distant future thing, but we are actually going. Sah-weeet!

Yeah, clearly I am not excited about this trip at all.

I've just started preparing more for the trip, buying some travel sized essentials from the store, I had a hair appointment the other day, I'm getting my legs waxed (ugh, is it worth it? Yes yes it is to not have to shave legs the whole trip. Of course, the feminist part of me wishes I was bold enough to go hairy all the time, hah!). But it's made me really appreciate the excitement more.

I caught a bad cough/cold thing last weekend, and had it pretty bad several days this week. Working really hard to get over it in time for the trip, which I think will work out perfectly. But I was surprised that the physical illness didn't trigger some bad depressive/anxiety breakdowns. I think that's a sign that the meds really are starting to kick in.

Finishing off with a selfie from Wednesday of my new hair color. It's still in the reddish family, but it has some violet hue going on. It makes me happy.

come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Friday, 09/09/16, 11:33am

Sometimes I'm not really in the mood to write, to blog. Right now is one of those times, but it feels like I'm resisting every single key stroke. I've been a jumble of thoughts today and the idea of trying to convey them or relive them, sounds horrifying right now. And yet I'm here, forcing myself to try it, because I know that it heals me.

I don't know that sharing comes easily to me. At least not all the time. It's always hard to admit something you feel ashamed of. And I do feel ashamed of my depression. I feel ashamed that it destroyed my day morning (I can still salvage it, right?).

Today hasn't turned out right so far. It started off really well in fact, but a stupid, trivial argument with Nasser triggered me into (totally uncalled for) anger and then sudden, deep depression. (Oh God, this whole meds change!!) Luckily it all happened after the kids got on the bus, so I still have time to recover enough and they won't have seen any of it. Hopefully. It took me out for a good 3 hours so far and I missed my run with friends this morning. I sat/lay paralyzed on my bed, distracting myself with everything from a new Netflix show to facebook to my new book (that was a good one actually and I keep coming back to it today- woohoo!). But the ugly crying happened again and again and again. Maybe I should have blogged three hours ago, but I could not. get myself to. Until now.

I had a mostly good week I think. I was starting to wonder if the new medication was maybe, just maybe starting to kick in. It's possible. It's been about two and a half weeks since I started the new one, a week and a half since we upped the dosage. I certainly didn't expect for it to be kicking in yet, but I'm hoping that accounts for my string of better days. That would put next week at "even better" if the higher dosage then kicks in.

But because I had this false sense of security about my mood, it all hit harder this morning.

I think I'm finally at a point now, after this much blogging, texting with a few support people including Nasser, where I'd say I'm mostly recovered. Like I've climbed out of that hole, but I could still teeter backwards easily or even get pushed, if I'm not super super careful. There are a few things I need to do in order to keep my footing. I am going to eat lunch. Do some yoga, or a lot of yoga, depending on how I feel. I found a great video the other day, especially for anxiety/stress. Even if you're not a yoga/exercise/meditation person, it's worth a watch through the first 5 minutes for the breathing. This is something you can do in an office chair, or laying down for bed, or apparently, sitting at the kitchen table, writing your blog. Because it was worth the 5 minute re-watch, before I then practice the full yoga with the video later.

I still might run this afternoon. Crap. If I have time. Yoga is going to be my first priority though. And I'm not going to beat myself up if the run doesn't actually happen.

I'm going to leave with a photo of me at some point during the 3 hour hell that was my morning. I was a "bit better" at that point, but not much. The eyes had already much improved from the earlier redness.

I chose not to attempt a smile because it would not have expressed how I felt. It was not authentic.

But I am here. I am present. I am.

all I really want is some comfort, a way to get my hands untied

Tuesday, 09/06/16, 9:31am

I don't really want to blog right now. I'm not in the mood for it, but I feel the need to somehow.

The main reason I need to blog, is I found a NAMI blog post, shared on facebook, that really resonated with me. The author writes about "smiling depression", which
 
involves appearing happy to others and smiling through the pain, keeping the inner turmoil hidden. It’s a major depressive disorder with atypical symptoms, and as a result, many don’t know they’re depressed or don’t seek help. People with smiling depression are often partnered or married, employed and are quite accomplished and educated. Their public, professional and social lives are not struggling. Their façade is put together and accomplished. 

But behind the mask and behind closed doors, their minds are filled with thoughts of worthlessness, inadequacy and despair. They’ve usually struggled with depression and/or debilitating anxiety for years and have had some experience with therapy or medication. Many don’t disclose their depression due to fear of discrimination from loved ones or employers. “Oftentimes, I am the only person in this individual’s immediate circle who is aware of how he or she is feeling on the inside,” said Dina Goldstein Silverman, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry."

The entire blog post is worth the read, but this is important because Silverman says "there's a troubling connection between smiling depression and suicide."

I wouldn't really say that I suffer from "smiling depression", anymore, because I've become so open about my depression with others, but maybe I still do to some extent. In person, I will talk about my depression more often than I used to, but oftentimes I will hide it with others, if I'm feeling those feelings and I'm forced into a social situation. This can happen when we travel with others, for ski vacations, camping, family trips, visiting friends or family. If I'm constantly around other people for a weekend for example, I will typically have at least one depressive breakdown, maybe a half hour to a couple hour event usually taking place while hiding with Nasser in the privacy of our bedroom, and then "recover" enough to go be social and happy with the others. I won't usually discuss what happened, even though others may know I've been crying by looking into my eyes. Really I bottle those feelings up for the moment. And it forces me into some resemblance of "recovery", only I don't think it really makes me any better in the long run.

I've been backing out on social engagements more lately, and I think it comes across as "doing badly" or I have "worsened depression". But I don't think that's what it is. Since being more open with my depression in the blog, and as well as on facebook recently, I feel more authentic. And honestly, I'm less interested in being social right after a depressive breakdown because I don't know how yet to be truly authentic (and emotionally safe) with everyone I know when I'm in that state. How can I know that really? We shame "bad feelings" or "moods" so much, that we instinctively hide it when we're around others. Or at least I do. And I'm not interested as much in pretending to be "better" when it's just a façade and a temporary recovery. I do it, still, plenty often, but I'm learning to be more authentic with those I trust. I will talk about my depression and share about my most recent depressive breakdown at a party or family get-together, because I'm trying to be authentic.

It's been hard for me to know how to respond lately when people ask "how are you doing?". When it's someone I don't know, like at the grocery store, I still say "fine, how are you?" or something along those lines. But when it's someone I know, and I assume now that they know I have depression and they may or may not read my blog, I want to be more authentic. And no, actually I'm not really fine. I haven't been "fine" in a long, long time. Like truly fine, like consistently fine. Maybe it's only been since Adam's death, or maybe it's been since my depression really manifested 8.5ish years ago.

And we continue to work on it, as we've done since I first started treatment. I've been on several different medications and am now working on a new one, I've been doing therapy consistently for a long time, I've read (some) books and many articles on ways to help depression, I've blogged, I've discussed it at length with friends and family, I've cut out alcohol to very rare occasions, I've been working on affirmations, I practice mindfulness and I recognize the important of exercise and eating right on my overall health. I have put and continue to put so much effect into "not being depressed".

And I still. get. depressed.

I think that will always be the case, but all I can do is to continue doing the things I do. I continue to try to be better, to limit the depression as much as possible, and to cut myself slack when it hits or when I'm going through tough things like changing medications.

And it's ok. I will always continue working on the things that are shown to help, I will continue trying new things (even if I'm slow to start them, because there are still emotional hurdles to overcome with these), and I will continue to seek the support of others and try not to feel guilty over it.

We're going to end this post with some affirmations now.

I am strong. I am loving. I am capable. I am compassionate. I am brave. I am loved. I am nurturing. I am supported.

I am absolutely NOT a failure.

I dare greatly, at least sometimes.

And I continue.

just keep swimming swimming swimming

Saturday, 09/03/16, 4:55pm

It has been a tough. day.

And we've done a lot of good things- I did a run with my sister, the boys got some Minecraft time in with cousins, I took RG to his horseplay class, I played Lincoln Logs with TK, TK and I watched some of RG's horseplay class when we went to pick him up, we stopped at the grocery store for Nasser to pick up some snacks and prepped kabobs for dinner (while the kids and I had a dance party in the car), and here I am blogging.

But I had a meltdown after Nasser let me sleep in this morning. There was no good reason for it, other than I'm switching medications right now. I came downstairs dressed for my run, and TK and I had a disagreement about whether or not the way he was scratching Buddy was gentle enough. TK got really annoyed with me, maybe I was overreacting, and he started pushing me, telling me to get out of the room. I lost it. Suddenly I was just angry and upset and then deeply, deeply depressed. From sobbing at the kitchen table, texting my sister to back out of my run, then sitting outside on the driveway, trying some different coping mechanisms Nasser and I got me to a better state. I drew some new snowflakes on my hand, talked with Nasser, and deep breathed. He texted with Audra to come up with a new run plan and the prospect of the run saved me. For a little while at least.

After the run and wasting time not jumping in the shower, we suddenly remembered RG's horseplay class was starting today. Off we were in a mad rush to get RG dressed and fed, me showered, water bottle and snack grabbed. I inputted the directions into Google Maps, we jumped in the car and were off, to this ranch that had warned us that Google gives the directions wrong, please follow our directions in the email. I suppose we were doomed to have a bad car ride when we made that mistake. We hadn't even left with enough time to get there if we knew where we were going. But it didn't help that I was back to my crappy mood from the mad rush, and I felt the need to lecture my kiddo about how he's got a bad attitude. This had been prompted by his complaints of "I don't wanna go!" when we realized that we needed to be in a mad rush. The stupid stupid mad rush.

Sigh.

I called Nasser, incredibly upset and crying about the argument, before we even realized that we had ignored the email and we were doomed. When Google told me to turn right, into a fence, and then suddenly the dirt road I was on ended, we finally decided I couldn't get there the way we came. I don't know how many times I said to Nasser, "forget it, forget it, we'll just skip this class. I'm coming home." I was not in a good state, but he talked me through getting there, some backtracking, many turns, two sets of railroad tracks, and another dirt road later. We were a good half hour late, to this 2.5 hour horseplay session. This class only meets for 3 sessions, and we lost a big chunk of the first one. Oh the parenting fail hurts. Even now, hours after the class ended.

I came home and we focused on getting me (and Nasser with his stomach ache) better.

In the end, we all went to pick up RG. Nasser had offered, but I didn't think he could find it and know where to go once he got there on his own. Because even when I got there with Nasser's help, I went to, and parked at, the wrong area of the ranch first. I didn't want to pick him up by myself because of how today had gone so far. And TK wanted to see the horses anyway.

And now, I'm... ok. It's kinda how things have been in general lately. Sometimes really really really hard. But overall, I think I'll make it to that point when the new meds kick in. It still might be a few weeks. Maybe as early as 1 week, and as long as 3 to 5ish. Sure it's not that long, but some days when I feel like I'm living minute by minute, hour by hour, it seems like an eternity.

Man though it is hard to try and change your thinking from,
     "omygod, I have to get through the next 3-5 weeks like this??? wtf???"
                         to
                                          "let's just get through the day."

But I keep trying to.

it's my life, it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever, I just want to live while I'm alive

Friday, 09/02/16, 3:05pm

I started reading a book per Nasser's recommendation, a good sci-fi fiction that does not break down all the aspects of my character and tell me how to be a better person. I need a little break from the self-help books for a bit. They're good, but they can be overwhelming for me.

I consider myself to be a reader but I've gone through several major reading droughts in my life. Or maybe I just go through reading spurts once in awhile and I'm just a fairweather reader. I have a pile of unfinished books next to my bed, and honestly I haven't really read in months. I've wanted to, to some extent, but haven't been interested lately. I'm sure that's likely a side effect of my worsened depression... (at this point I'm going to stop myself from the negative self talk that often follows here, and instead I'm going to say)... so I really need to just lower my expectations a little about what I'm "good at" right now in life.

Anyway, this book is kinda an end of world scenario- the moon splits into 7 pieces and several scientists across the globe calculate that all the pieces will separate within a year and a half and come raining down on Earth. There is a mad rush to make plans for who goes into space in search of other worlds, people start to grieve over the fact that almost everyone on Earth will die within 2 years. I'm not very far, but I think I'm close to that point of "this book has sucked me in". This author, Neal Stephenson, has written several books with strong female protagonists, and so far this book is looking to have a few.

I was thinking about reading and how different the experience is from watching a movie or even a tv show. Obviously, they're different, but I think there's this aspect of reading that creates an empathy in the reader for the characters. At least that's what you get out of really good quality literature.

Unfortunately I did already watch the movie first, but I want to read The Martian soon. Nasser read it, read a couple snippets to me, and I got to watch as he reacted to different parts of the book, so now I've got something to look forward to... AFTER the book I'm currently in. I really don't need another unfinished book to add to my list.

See below for the actual books sitting next to the bed; note, this does not count the other 3 that I've been reading digitally. Seriously, what is up with me??

(FYI, that is NOT 50 Shades of Grey on the bottom, just an unfortunately similar book title. Besides, it is a far superior book about a Lithuanian family getting imprisoned during World War II - don't quote me on all that, I'm not very far into it).

I read a wide variety of books, but I love it. I need this post today to praise reading because I'm also hoping it will get me back into it.

I'm sure reading is good for the depression too, anyway, so here goes trying, yet another thing.

PS- I talked recently about some intrusive thoughts that were going on in my weaning of my old antidepressant and now starting a new one. Found out this week that it is not abnormal with depression (I was terrified that I was additional dipping into psychotic symptoms there). My psychiatrist said that the higher doses of meds really help with that symptom, so we upped the new one, already. But that is not a failure. I accept that I have and will likely always have a decent amount of medication in order to function closer to my normal. It's always in addition to the other things I do in my treatment- therapy, exercise, mindfulness, blogging, using my support people, and now reading.

everybody hurts sometimes

Thursday, 09/01/16, 8:50am

I am grumpy this morning. But it is an ok grumpy. It is not tainted with depression right now. Somehow, the knowledge of being "normal grumpy" puts me in a much better mood.

We all were awoken early this morning with RG complaining of a headache. It probably took me too long to finally get out of bed after he first started trying to wake me up, asking for ibuprofen. So the complaining probably got louder for everyone else. It didn't help that Buddy the cat started attacking Nasser's and my toes, sticking out from under the covers.

The day is overcast and a little cool, but I like that, considering my grumpiness. I can't seem to talk myself into getting in the shower, because I'm grumpy and cold. Of course that would probably help the most with the grumpiness and chill.

Short post today, still trying to cut myself slack right now, like it was suggested in therapy.