Wednesday, 04/11/18, 12:37pm, 8:45pm
Oi. You know, I've thought seriously about writing several times over the last few weeks, and then I've either gotten too busy with kids or changed my mind about wanting to write or I've gotten into a really sucky junky crappy mood. We've had some really good visitors this past month, close friends, but that also can make for a bit more stress. Cuz I put extra things on my shoulders like I really need to keep the house clean/straightened up/whatever. We had spring break in there too, 2 separate trips to Winter Park for some skiing, so it's been a bit busy. On Saturday during the second week of spring break, Nasser convinced me to start up reading the Harry Potter series, yet again, since that seems to have a big influence on making me feel better. So I'm currently in the 5th book, and it's definitely helping a lot.
On a separate note, I gotta complain a second about the people out there who are ridiculously awkward when it comes to mental illness, and they pretend like my illness and treatment don't exist, and even sometimes pretend like I don't exist. It sucks. I do extremely hate how mental illness is treated as compared to "normal" illnesses. And yes, I get how it's improved so so much since many years ago, but it still has so far to go. I hate feeling like I said completely the wrong thing when I simply mention the word "treatment".
But then it's not like that's everyone. Most definitely not. And I so appreciate the people who aren't that. The people who actually ask how things are going with treatment. Those people who really show they care. My neighbor who walked over after catching me to actually ask how treatment is going. My nurse at treatment on Monday (although all the nurses show they care every time) who actually asked me how my blog is going. My aunt who asked my dad how I'm doing since I haven't written in awhile. My friends who message or call outta the blue to ask how I'm doing. My husband who does almost everything for me to keep up this huge huge support. Even though I have this big part of me who knows I'm supposed to focus so much on "getting better" (whatever that phrase actually means...), I have this massive guilt feeling about accepting so much help from so many others. And then I work really hard to fight that guilt, but then often feel like I have nothing left to work on the "getting better" part.
I am working on getting better though. As always.
We are slowly spreading out the treatments. I had a treatment this Monday, and the next one isn't for 3 weeks. I started up a yoga thing- it's a 30 day thing through Amazon, and I'm on day 8 for tomorrow, even though I started 2 Sundays ago. I have had to skip days here and there though. I'm hoping that this blog post today can get me a little more into the practice again. I'm reading often to avoid thinking about those things that tear me apart. I of course keep going to therapy every week. As always, I take my meds regularly every evening. My doctor at treatment on Monday said that this mood stabilizer (the one I'm finally at the right dose for) may actually take several months to truly get the full affect.
So, in general though, in this past month, since last I wrote, it's been, well, lots of ups and downs. Nasser and the doctor think that I keep improving. Little things, like the fact that my bigger stretch of down wasn't at the end of my break between treatments. It was in the middle and I improved before going in for the next treatment. And in general, I'm learning some how to improve from the crashes. At least partially, and I do have a method of getting to sleep early and taking my anti-anxiety/sleeping med when needed in order to have a better fighting chance for the next day. I have this method of reading Harry Potter in order to distract myself from the bad feelings. It's, just, hard. A lot. It's hard having a crash and feeling like there's no improvement, like ever. It's hard feeling like I'm just a really crappy person and shouldn't exist. It's hard feeling like I'm a burden on everyone around me. And it's hard to recognize that perhaps those feelings are becoming less often, because when they do show up, they're just, all-consuming.
And even looking at a day like today. It's not necessarily a good day, or a bad day. I suppose today would be called "meh" using my daily mood tracking app descriptions. I was able to do yoga, take a shower, feed myself, read some. But I'm feeling cruddy enough to have very little motivation to really do much. And I feel like I shouldn't complain since it's not like I feel horrid today. Oi. Again, oi.
I guess I don't really have much else to say today. Apologies for just being all over the place today and perhaps not having a real "point" or "purpose" to this blog post. That happens though, I suppose.
I do hope that all those who suffer from anything similar or in the same family of illnesses, or really anything, find strength within themselves to keep fighting and find lots of comfort and strength in those around them, supporting them. As always, even if I don't always say it, lots of love to you all.
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yoga. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed, I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby, what it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
Tuesday, 11/07/17, 10:10am, 12:52pm
Well, yesterday, and so far, today, have been a bit better than the last, well bunch of days. I had felt like I was stuck in this depressive rut for almost 2 weeks, but maybe (??) I'm coming out of it? I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much, cuz sometimes that causes a bigger crash downward, but I am going to hope a little. Yesterday I had several things go right: I succeeded in making butternut squash soup in the crockpot (booyah! cuz I haven't made dinner successfully in quite some time...), I biked to my friend's house and picked up food for us on my way over (hah, I spent quite a bit of time transferring the to go orders into some leak proof containers I had brought so that I could put them in my backpack. I think I lot of people at the restaurant were like "that biker weirdo", haha!), I enjoyed a really good lunch with my friend and got to have really good friend talking time and she let me let out a lot of the bad feelings from the past 2 weeks (such a good friend you guys, she just got out of the hospital end of last week after spending a week in it!), and then I biked home. The rest of the day I got a lot of "chill" time, both before and after the kids came home from school, but I think the combination of feeling really successful at several things plus getting some good exercise in plus friend time, was perfect.
This morning I was going to do a cycle/core fusion class at the Y, but didn't make it since Nasser and I still had to fill out our ballots this morning. I could have made it there late, but then we also got some snow (!!) last night so I would have been extra late with clearing off the car. Oh well.
I ended up doing a 20 minute "yoga for anxiety" video, which certainly didn't burn very many calories, but it was rejuvenating regardless. And I intend to do more of a workout later in the day if I can since I've got therapy at 11 this morning.
I want to share a couple quotes that have meant a lot to me recently...
Both these quotes showed up at the end of my mindfulness practice with that app, Calm, on different days of the "7 Days of Calm." I am liking that app, although I haven't yet started the "21 Days of Calm," after having finished the 7 Days. I think that might help me get into the habit more of mindfulness every.single.day. Cuz I probably need that.
You know, today, it turns out, is my "blogiversary." I've now had this blog for 2 full years, and published 192 blog posts. Yikes. That seems like a lot of posts to me, but whatever. I think this blog has been huge for me in a lot of ways. It's given me a place to write, and pour out feelings, and reflect about things, and learn how to become more open about my mental illness. I didn't share the blog openly right away, it took some time. But I do kinda feel like that Neil Gaiman quote, I often feel like I am exposing too much of my heart and mind, and I do often wonder if it's the right thing or right thing for me at least to be doing. I like the validation I get from that quote. Cuz there's still this inner part of me that feels very strongly that it is the right thing to be doing. But it questions the blog, often.
So the other thing that I think helped my mood, was on Sunday night, Nasser reflecting over several recent things that I did, despite my foul mood. In my last blog post, I was feeling really crappy and yet forced myself to create some "hope statements", which isn't necessarily something I could have done pre-ECT. On Sunday, we were walking with my sister and her family to a restaurant across the street from our house. On the way, Nasser made a comment to me that I took a lot of offense to and felt really triggered by. I was talking with him really angrily and talked about going back home and skipping the meal with everyone. I was actually incredibly triggered (this is more a reflection on my depression than me, or Nasser) and felt super down, but I forced myself to go and actually enjoy the lunch and enjoy the discussion with my sister and brother-in-law and ended up helping myself more in the long run than had I ran off to go home. There were a few other things that Nasser brought up on Sunday night in this conversation and hearing all that made a big difference in my overall mood, I think.
When we're discussing medication changes and the possibility of a 2-3 ECT treatment burst, it's easy to feel lost in these feelings of, "I'm as depressed as I've ever been" and it's hard to see that despite the down times right now, I'm still doing better than before. I'm doing better than just a few months ago. And that's still huge, and that's still something to feel good about.
Ok, so, this next part I'm writing later, after therapy. My therapist got me talking today about some of the things that seem to motivate me, rather than focusing on the things that I feel should motivate me but haven't been. It helped to get a list started- we were able to come to a conclusion of at least 2 things. 1. I might need to plan in at least an hour every day of "relational" time, so like get together with a friend or spend time messaging with friends or even spending time on facebook catching up on friends or talk to a friend on the phone, etc. and 2. I might need to plan on one "project" a week- whether it's something around the house like getting together a pile of baby donation stuff or maybe working on ideas for our basement finish project. It was really helpful to start thinking about, like, what do I really need as a part of each day to feel good? Exercise each day probably needs to be the third item, but I'm having some trouble figuring out what "expectation" to set on that. I've been trying to exercise every day since meeting with my doctors on Thursday, and so far I've done it except for Sunday, and today I still need to (like I'm not really counting the yoga for anxiety from this morning since it was mostly laying on the yoga mat). I need to be careful about planning the exercise thing as an expectation because I tend to have a lot of issues when I don't "meet my expectation" and it all compounds into a horrid depressive state of feeling like a failure and yet the state makes me continue to not meet the expectation and it all gets worse and worse.
So like today. I'm a little demotivated with exercise since I didn't get it in this morning. This happens a lot when I don't accomplish it in the morning. Somehow the afternoon and evening are much less motivating times for me to exercise. I'm not really ready to exercise right now since I just ate lunch and feel too full still. But then, I don't really have much time to get the exercise in before I have to leave for an appointment at the gastroenterology place. Oi. I'm going to tell you about my appointment even if you don't want to hear about it. This afternoon I've got a hemorrhoid banding, my second of three of these. Sounds fun, right? I, unfortunately, but not, like, life threatening or anything, have hemorrhoids. We're currently treating the internal ones with this rubber band ligation procedure. Basically the doctor sticks a probe up my butt, sucks at the hemorrhoid, and puts a tiny rubber band around it. This cuts off the blood flow to the hemorrhoid and after a few days or so it falls off. But we can only do one at a time. So I have 3 separate treatment times for this, spaced out a few weeks apart. Anyway, my point was, I have one today, and I don't expect to be interested in exercising afterward... last time my butt hurt a fair bit.
Alright, I'm going to be done writing for today, since I don't feel like I have much else to say, and I could use some free time before this appointment. I do want to say, thank you to my readers, those of you who've stuck with me these 2 years, and even if this is the first post you're reading. You're all awesome.
Well, yesterday, and so far, today, have been a bit better than the last, well bunch of days. I had felt like I was stuck in this depressive rut for almost 2 weeks, but maybe (??) I'm coming out of it? I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much, cuz sometimes that causes a bigger crash downward, but I am going to hope a little. Yesterday I had several things go right: I succeeded in making butternut squash soup in the crockpot (booyah! cuz I haven't made dinner successfully in quite some time...), I biked to my friend's house and picked up food for us on my way over (hah, I spent quite a bit of time transferring the to go orders into some leak proof containers I had brought so that I could put them in my backpack. I think I lot of people at the restaurant were like "that biker weirdo", haha!), I enjoyed a really good lunch with my friend and got to have really good friend talking time and she let me let out a lot of the bad feelings from the past 2 weeks (such a good friend you guys, she just got out of the hospital end of last week after spending a week in it!), and then I biked home. The rest of the day I got a lot of "chill" time, both before and after the kids came home from school, but I think the combination of feeling really successful at several things plus getting some good exercise in plus friend time, was perfect.
This morning I was going to do a cycle/core fusion class at the Y, but didn't make it since Nasser and I still had to fill out our ballots this morning. I could have made it there late, but then we also got some snow (!!) last night so I would have been extra late with clearing off the car. Oh well.
I ended up doing a 20 minute "yoga for anxiety" video, which certainly didn't burn very many calories, but it was rejuvenating regardless. And I intend to do more of a workout later in the day if I can since I've got therapy at 11 this morning.
I want to share a couple quotes that have meant a lot to me recently...
"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again,
this time more intelligently."
-Henry Ford
"The moment that you feel, just possibly,
you are walking down the street naked,
exposing too much of your heart and your mind,
and what exists on the inside,
showing too much of yourself... That is the moment,
you might be starting to get it right."
-Neil Gaiman
"The moment that you feel, just possibly,
you are walking down the street naked,
exposing too much of your heart and your mind,
and what exists on the inside,
showing too much of yourself... That is the moment,
you might be starting to get it right."
-Neil Gaiman
Both these quotes showed up at the end of my mindfulness practice with that app, Calm, on different days of the "7 Days of Calm." I am liking that app, although I haven't yet started the "21 Days of Calm," after having finished the 7 Days. I think that might help me get into the habit more of mindfulness every.single.day. Cuz I probably need that.
You know, today, it turns out, is my "blogiversary." I've now had this blog for 2 full years, and published 192 blog posts. Yikes. That seems like a lot of posts to me, but whatever. I think this blog has been huge for me in a lot of ways. It's given me a place to write, and pour out feelings, and reflect about things, and learn how to become more open about my mental illness. I didn't share the blog openly right away, it took some time. But I do kinda feel like that Neil Gaiman quote, I often feel like I am exposing too much of my heart and mind, and I do often wonder if it's the right thing or right thing for me at least to be doing. I like the validation I get from that quote. Cuz there's still this inner part of me that feels very strongly that it is the right thing to be doing. But it questions the blog, often.
So the other thing that I think helped my mood, was on Sunday night, Nasser reflecting over several recent things that I did, despite my foul mood. In my last blog post, I was feeling really crappy and yet forced myself to create some "hope statements", which isn't necessarily something I could have done pre-ECT. On Sunday, we were walking with my sister and her family to a restaurant across the street from our house. On the way, Nasser made a comment to me that I took a lot of offense to and felt really triggered by. I was talking with him really angrily and talked about going back home and skipping the meal with everyone. I was actually incredibly triggered (this is more a reflection on my depression than me, or Nasser) and felt super down, but I forced myself to go and actually enjoy the lunch and enjoy the discussion with my sister and brother-in-law and ended up helping myself more in the long run than had I ran off to go home. There were a few other things that Nasser brought up on Sunday night in this conversation and hearing all that made a big difference in my overall mood, I think.
When we're discussing medication changes and the possibility of a 2-3 ECT treatment burst, it's easy to feel lost in these feelings of, "I'm as depressed as I've ever been" and it's hard to see that despite the down times right now, I'm still doing better than before. I'm doing better than just a few months ago. And that's still huge, and that's still something to feel good about.
Ok, so, this next part I'm writing later, after therapy. My therapist got me talking today about some of the things that seem to motivate me, rather than focusing on the things that I feel should motivate me but haven't been. It helped to get a list started- we were able to come to a conclusion of at least 2 things. 1. I might need to plan in at least an hour every day of "relational" time, so like get together with a friend or spend time messaging with friends or even spending time on facebook catching up on friends or talk to a friend on the phone, etc. and 2. I might need to plan on one "project" a week- whether it's something around the house like getting together a pile of baby donation stuff or maybe working on ideas for our basement finish project. It was really helpful to start thinking about, like, what do I really need as a part of each day to feel good? Exercise each day probably needs to be the third item, but I'm having some trouble figuring out what "expectation" to set on that. I've been trying to exercise every day since meeting with my doctors on Thursday, and so far I've done it except for Sunday, and today I still need to (like I'm not really counting the yoga for anxiety from this morning since it was mostly laying on the yoga mat). I need to be careful about planning the exercise thing as an expectation because I tend to have a lot of issues when I don't "meet my expectation" and it all compounds into a horrid depressive state of feeling like a failure and yet the state makes me continue to not meet the expectation and it all gets worse and worse.
So like today. I'm a little demotivated with exercise since I didn't get it in this morning. This happens a lot when I don't accomplish it in the morning. Somehow the afternoon and evening are much less motivating times for me to exercise. I'm not really ready to exercise right now since I just ate lunch and feel too full still. But then, I don't really have much time to get the exercise in before I have to leave for an appointment at the gastroenterology place. Oi. I'm going to tell you about my appointment even if you don't want to hear about it. This afternoon I've got a hemorrhoid banding, my second of three of these. Sounds fun, right? I, unfortunately, but not, like, life threatening or anything, have hemorrhoids. We're currently treating the internal ones with this rubber band ligation procedure. Basically the doctor sticks a probe up my butt, sucks at the hemorrhoid, and puts a tiny rubber band around it. This cuts off the blood flow to the hemorrhoid and after a few days or so it falls off. But we can only do one at a time. So I have 3 separate treatment times for this, spaced out a few weeks apart. Anyway, my point was, I have one today, and I don't expect to be interested in exercising afterward... last time my butt hurt a fair bit.
Alright, I'm going to be done writing for today, since I don't feel like I have much else to say, and I could use some free time before this appointment. I do want to say, thank you to my readers, those of you who've stuck with me these 2 years, and even if this is the first post you're reading. You're all awesome.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
well I know what's right, I got just one life in a world that keeps on pushin' me around, but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down
Wednesday, 10/11/17, 7:56am, 9:15am (and Tuesday, 10/10/17, 12:51pm, 1:46pm but I just couldn't get myself to finish it)
Do you know what? I have written 196 blog posts. That feels... crazy/ridiculous/maybe overkill?, to me at least. My "blogiversary" is coming up in less than a month- November 7th- and I'll have had this blog for two full years then. That doesn't seem very long, although it does feel like a lot has happened, emotionally speaking, in that time.
It's weird, looking back at some of my earlier posts, and emails to friends and family, sharing my blog. There was a lot of "I've figured out how to live with my depression" attitude. I'm not entirely sure if I was truly doing much better back when I started the blog; I mean it was before Adam's death and I know that triggered me quite a bit. But then, last November my psychiatrist diagnosed me with "treatment resistant depression", which was really a reflection of the bunch of years prior to that, not simply those few months. And as many of you know, if you've been following along with my blog, or my facebook, or just me, I've been doing much better, as of late, after going through 5 weeks of electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) acute phase (as in 3 treatments a week) and getting to a point of going every 2 weeks for treatment during the maintenance phase now. I'm also on some medications, and going to therapy regularly again (I quit going for a little while during the intense and very regular ECT treatments due to the short term memory loss), and I've gotten a lot of support from many different people, so really it's everything working together.
I've shared some about my "state dependent memory" loss, but there was a bit more that was hitting hard yesterday. I was going through old emails of sharing my blog, and the responses back and forth with various friends and family about it, especially with people who felt able to tell me about their own struggles, after I'd shared about mine. And it pains me, a lot, to realize I'd lost some of the memories of who else out there struggles. It's not like I necessarily discuss our shared illness regularly with most of these people, but I hate that we had these very personal emails about it that I simply don't remember. Thank goodness for emails saving and being able to look back on them, right? As Nasser reminded me this morning, looking back on all those, remembering all the people that share this illness or something similar with me, helps to remind me of how I'm not alone as well as why I share, most especially in the hopes that it helps others who struggle.
It's hard having memories that are just gone though, with no control over that. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that it's just a sign that I really am doing much better.
I recently discovered a writer on the internet, who I'm a little obsessed with. I discovered her on Quora, where she's answered over 550 questions... woah. I have actually linked to one of those answers (hers is the top one here) before... to the question "Why do people suffering from depression always call their struggle a battle? What exactly are they battling?". Turns out she has a website, and she writes about all kinds of stuff, but I've been most intrigued with her posts about mental illness/depression. I really appreciated her post on helping a friend with depression. I've tried to write about this at times, but I think she writes a whole lot more eloquently than me. So I urge you all to check out her writing.
So this morning I opened up something like 5 different tabs on my Chromebook for "Couch to Half Marathon" training plans. I've definitely gained a lot of weight in the past... 4 months? 6 months? 12 months? more? It's been... needless to say... frustrating? embarrassing? confidence busting? And it shouldn't be. I don't, hopefully, judge others who weigh more than they want to or whatever. We are who we are. And it's so much better to embrace who we are. But I'm not very good at that... as probably most people aren't as well. It certainly bugs me that a lot of my clothes don't fit well or right or at all, but it definitely bugs me more that I haven't been able to run more than 1 and 3/4 miles yet (because it's so low, I have to count by the quarters!), I get winded really easily, I can't hold a plank in yoga for more than a couple seconds, the cycling class I've started going to with my brother-in-law once a week has me sweating uncontrollably and I often feel incapable at going at the higher resistances or reaching the cadence goals. Mostly I want to be in better shape. I want to be in the kind of shape to be able to hike 14ers (14,000+ mountains), bike long distances, run a half marathon again, do triathlons again, and plenty more. I expect some kind of body shape will follow if I focus on those things, even if I don't lose all the weight I've gained.
I rolled my ankle 2 weekends ago, which hasn't helped my exercise goals/attempts. I haven't run since prior to that; unfortunately my ankle isn't quite feeling right still. Luckily I was able to book a last minute physical therapy appointment for later this morning to get help with the ankle. Hopefully that helps. Until I'm back to more running/walking, I'll be trying to focus on the cycling stuff, yoga stuff, hopefully more swimming stuff too. At least I'm exercising a lot more than I was for much of treatment, right? I gotta appreciate the little steps forward.
I'm going to finish off with some gorgeous fall pictures, mixed with the snow, as well as my boys playing in the snow on Monday. (Did I mention that our crazy Colorado weather brought us snow on Monday? It's all melted now and today has a high of 67 degrees. Gotta love global warming!) Oh and FYI, the snowman is holding his own snowball and sitting in the sled, because apparently he went sledding too? And... TK is wearing flip flops because... Colorado kid? He had taken off his snowgear already when I insisted on some pictures with the snowman, and flip flops were his solution. Of course.
Do you know what? I have written 196 blog posts. That feels... crazy/ridiculous/maybe overkill?, to me at least. My "blogiversary" is coming up in less than a month- November 7th- and I'll have had this blog for two full years then. That doesn't seem very long, although it does feel like a lot has happened, emotionally speaking, in that time.
It's weird, looking back at some of my earlier posts, and emails to friends and family, sharing my blog. There was a lot of "I've figured out how to live with my depression" attitude. I'm not entirely sure if I was truly doing much better back when I started the blog; I mean it was before Adam's death and I know that triggered me quite a bit. But then, last November my psychiatrist diagnosed me with "treatment resistant depression", which was really a reflection of the bunch of years prior to that, not simply those few months. And as many of you know, if you've been following along with my blog, or my facebook, or just me, I've been doing much better, as of late, after going through 5 weeks of electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) acute phase (as in 3 treatments a week) and getting to a point of going every 2 weeks for treatment during the maintenance phase now. I'm also on some medications, and going to therapy regularly again (I quit going for a little while during the intense and very regular ECT treatments due to the short term memory loss), and I've gotten a lot of support from many different people, so really it's everything working together.
I've shared some about my "state dependent memory" loss, but there was a bit more that was hitting hard yesterday. I was going through old emails of sharing my blog, and the responses back and forth with various friends and family about it, especially with people who felt able to tell me about their own struggles, after I'd shared about mine. And it pains me, a lot, to realize I'd lost some of the memories of who else out there struggles. It's not like I necessarily discuss our shared illness regularly with most of these people, but I hate that we had these very personal emails about it that I simply don't remember. Thank goodness for emails saving and being able to look back on them, right? As Nasser reminded me this morning, looking back on all those, remembering all the people that share this illness or something similar with me, helps to remind me of how I'm not alone as well as why I share, most especially in the hopes that it helps others who struggle.
It's hard having memories that are just gone though, with no control over that. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that it's just a sign that I really am doing much better.
I recently discovered a writer on the internet, who I'm a little obsessed with. I discovered her on Quora, where she's answered over 550 questions... woah. I have actually linked to one of those answers (hers is the top one here) before... to the question "Why do people suffering from depression always call their struggle a battle? What exactly are they battling?". Turns out she has a website, and she writes about all kinds of stuff, but I've been most intrigued with her posts about mental illness/depression. I really appreciated her post on helping a friend with depression. I've tried to write about this at times, but I think she writes a whole lot more eloquently than me. So I urge you all to check out her writing.
So this morning I opened up something like 5 different tabs on my Chromebook for "Couch to Half Marathon" training plans. I've definitely gained a lot of weight in the past... 4 months? 6 months? 12 months? more? It's been... needless to say... frustrating? embarrassing? confidence busting? And it shouldn't be. I don't, hopefully, judge others who weigh more than they want to or whatever. We are who we are. And it's so much better to embrace who we are. But I'm not very good at that... as probably most people aren't as well. It certainly bugs me that a lot of my clothes don't fit well or right or at all, but it definitely bugs me more that I haven't been able to run more than 1 and 3/4 miles yet (because it's so low, I have to count by the quarters!), I get winded really easily, I can't hold a plank in yoga for more than a couple seconds, the cycling class I've started going to with my brother-in-law once a week has me sweating uncontrollably and I often feel incapable at going at the higher resistances or reaching the cadence goals. Mostly I want to be in better shape. I want to be in the kind of shape to be able to hike 14ers (14,000+ mountains), bike long distances, run a half marathon again, do triathlons again, and plenty more. I expect some kind of body shape will follow if I focus on those things, even if I don't lose all the weight I've gained.
I rolled my ankle 2 weekends ago, which hasn't helped my exercise goals/attempts. I haven't run since prior to that; unfortunately my ankle isn't quite feeling right still. Luckily I was able to book a last minute physical therapy appointment for later this morning to get help with the ankle. Hopefully that helps. Until I'm back to more running/walking, I'll be trying to focus on the cycling stuff, yoga stuff, hopefully more swimming stuff too. At least I'm exercising a lot more than I was for much of treatment, right? I gotta appreciate the little steps forward.
I'm going to finish off with some gorgeous fall pictures, mixed with the snow, as well as my boys playing in the snow on Monday. (Did I mention that our crazy Colorado weather brought us snow on Monday? It's all melted now and today has a high of 67 degrees. Gotta love global warming!) Oh and FYI, the snowman is holding his own snowball and sitting in the sled, because apparently he went sledding too? And... TK is wearing flip flops because... Colorado kid? He had taken off his snowgear already when I insisted on some pictures with the snowman, and flip flops were his solution. Of course.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
I will lay me down in a bunker underground
Saturday, 11/05/16, 10:44am
Well I feel like I've already got two failures for today. I was planning on attending this extra choir rehearsal this morning, and I think I had this vague plan on biking there. But this morning, while making pumpkin pancakes (because I also went and made that great suggestion last night. Delicious, but what was I thinking?), I finally started to think through the logistics and at that point I wouldn't have enough time to be able to get the bike ride in.
And although I was super bummed and stressed about not having the time to bike, I really tried to make it work to get myself to the rehearsal. I took my shower, fighting tears, got dressed and even made it into the car and down the street a little. But the tears were coming too strongly by then. And I turned around and sat in the driveway for awhile, even called Nasser to ask him to join me.
No choir today, no bike ride today. Maybe yoga soon. Sigh.
I'm not a failure. I'm not a failure. I'm not a failure.
I do make mistakes, and sometimes my anxiety and depression do get the better of me and plans change. That does not make me a bad person. That does not make me a failure.
And yet, there's that crushing feeling of failure everytime the depression hits. The feeling of "I let this happen to me". Why do I put such ridiculous stigma upon myself?? It's not like people "let" themselves get cancer, or "let" themselves have a seizure or migraine or whatever. These things happen to people and mental illness should also fall into the same category.
I'm doing a few things from my list to try and recover. Blogging, clearly, some deep breathing, next is yoga. I already took a shower in the midst of the breakdown, but maybe even more is needed. And maybe I still won't quite recover.
This one was bad. Like when Nasser was talking me down, I told him I couldn't go to choir because I didn't feel safe enough to drive. Then of course, even if he had driven me, I didn't feel well enough to be around other people.
It's gonna be OK. I can get through this. Maybe for a small recovery today.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
I feel the wind a blowin’, slowly changing time
Thursday, 10/20/16, 12:06pm
Uggg, I suppose I'm doing "better" today and yesterday, at least in comparison with Tuesday. But not fantastic, not amazing, not great, barely ok actually. Getting through therapy yesterday, with Nasser there, wasn't super easy. He went in hoping to get some ideas on how to support me better, and I felt like the main conclusion was just, Alisa needs to do a better job on her own, without relying so heavily on Nasser. I think Nasser did get some ideas, but they tend to focus on giving me more "power over my recovery" or something like that.
I feel like I'm just constantly faced with the conclusion that I'm not doing a good enough job in fighting the depression, and that just further demoralizes me and then makes the depression worse. And I continue to just do a worse and worse job at fighting it. God, I suck at life, don't I?
Let's try not to go there though. It's way too easy to cycle downward with those thoughts.
One of the things we talked about was making a really good list of like 10 things I can do when I'm in a hole. I suppose I've done exercises like this before, but these lists get buried in notebooks, or on handouts from therapists or my phone somewhere (maybe in one of those note apps I've attempted?) and don't end up being too comprehensive. Let's start with listing here for today. It might get added to my decorative mirror with the affirmations, and maybe also on an index card to carry in my purse at all times.
Things to help me when I'm down:
Uggg, I suppose I'm doing "better" today and yesterday, at least in comparison with Tuesday. But not fantastic, not amazing, not great, barely ok actually. Getting through therapy yesterday, with Nasser there, wasn't super easy. He went in hoping to get some ideas on how to support me better, and I felt like the main conclusion was just, Alisa needs to do a better job on her own, without relying so heavily on Nasser. I think Nasser did get some ideas, but they tend to focus on giving me more "power over my recovery" or something like that.
I feel like I'm just constantly faced with the conclusion that I'm not doing a good enough job in fighting the depression, and that just further demoralizes me and then makes the depression worse. And I continue to just do a worse and worse job at fighting it. God, I suck at life, don't I?
Let's try not to go there though. It's way too easy to cycle downward with those thoughts.
One of the things we talked about was making a really good list of like 10 things I can do when I'm in a hole. I suppose I've done exercises like this before, but these lists get buried in notebooks, or on handouts from therapists or my phone somewhere (maybe in one of those note apps I've attempted?) and don't end up being too comprehensive. Let's start with listing here for today. It might get added to my decorative mirror with the affirmations, and maybe also on an index card to carry in my purse at all times.
Things to help me when I'm down:
- Blog
- Go for a run or bike ride
- Deep breathe
- Yoga
- Meditation
- Go for a walk
- Distract myself with a show/movie
- Journal
- Take a bath
- Read a book
- Look at pretty pictures of the world and nature/ watch Planet Earth
- Take a shower
- Practice mindfulness
The list may change and get added to, but I feel it's a good start. That's more than 10 anyway. I could put on there "talk to a support person", but that one is tough. It's probably a good thing but I'm trying to balance it between "seeking help"/"feeling the guilt&shame of seeking help"/"trying to accept that seeking help is ok and not something to be ashamed of". And I need to learn to rely on myself more, to trust myself more, to believe in myself more.
TK is begging me to go outside so I'm just going to finish up with some pretty fall colors pictures I've been attempting lately. If I get some good enough ones, I want to do some photos to canvases sometime. Not sure I've captured quite what I want yet. Although we're really running out of those fall colors now!
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
breathe, breathe in the air, don't be afraid to care
Tuesday, 10/18/16, 10:04am
fuck. fuck you, depression. you unwelcome, unwanted, piece of garbage shit that takes a fucking dump whenever it goddamn pleases.
(excuse my vulgarity).
I don't know why today of all days it had to dump depression and anxiety into my life in such a crying ugly mess of a way. I guess I had my effing list of morning errands in my head instead of on paper. I was going to leave the house by 8 freaking 30 this morning. I was also going to wake up at that first alarm at 5:13am and go for a run. I guess that was my first failure of the day, cause I seem to be beating myself up about failure, failure, failure today.
Oh, jeez, this is a crappy ass day. (not in the literal sense, thank you for that).
I've sat down and started making a list of all the to-dos in my head, per Nasser's suggestion. I suppose it will help the anxiety in the long run, but for now the list-making is causing further anxiety attacks this morning. I finished the urgent lists but the one for our big annual Halloween party (what things I want to do to prep the house, etc) is going to wait until I'm more calm.
Sigh.
I talked with Nasser on the phone a couple hours ago, and he talked me down some of the hysterics, but it's still coming and going. And I still haven't done the yoga he recommended. And I'm desperately trying to be a good mom to TK, who's home with me today. He's holding me to this promise of playing soccer outside on the greenbelt, which I WILL do shortly here.
I can do this, right? I can salvage some of the expectations for today, maybe, and if I don't, I am NOT a failure. I can do this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Big, long, deep breaths. I can do this.
fuck. fuck you, depression. you unwelcome, unwanted, piece of garbage shit that takes a fucking dump whenever it goddamn pleases.
(excuse my vulgarity).
I don't know why today of all days it had to dump depression and anxiety into my life in such a crying ugly mess of a way. I guess I had my effing list of morning errands in my head instead of on paper. I was going to leave the house by 8 freaking 30 this morning. I was also going to wake up at that first alarm at 5:13am and go for a run. I guess that was my first failure of the day, cause I seem to be beating myself up about failure, failure, failure today.
Oh, jeez, this is a crappy ass day. (not in the literal sense, thank you for that).
I've sat down and started making a list of all the to-dos in my head, per Nasser's suggestion. I suppose it will help the anxiety in the long run, but for now the list-making is causing further anxiety attacks this morning. I finished the urgent lists but the one for our big annual Halloween party (what things I want to do to prep the house, etc) is going to wait until I'm more calm.
Sigh.
I talked with Nasser on the phone a couple hours ago, and he talked me down some of the hysterics, but it's still coming and going. And I still haven't done the yoga he recommended. And I'm desperately trying to be a good mom to TK, who's home with me today. He's holding me to this promise of playing soccer outside on the greenbelt, which I WILL do shortly here.
I can do this, right? I can salvage some of the expectations for today, maybe, and if I don't, I am NOT a failure. I can do this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Big, long, deep breaths. I can do this.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
we're coming to the edge, running on the water
Sunday, 10/16/16, 9:43am
(Side note at 1:40pm, I was all ready to scrap this post, because I got to a lower state and I thought I sounded too optimistic here, if that gives you any gauge of how I'm doing... whatever. I'll post it anyway and hope that it's hopefulness at the end picks me back up.)
For a little while now, I've been less interested to blog when I'm in a crappy mood. I feel like I've had to force myself to blog during a low, whereas I used to feel a need for the blog before. I think it probably has a little to do with the fact that I do share my blog more widely now and more people can know about my lows.
I think I was calmed into a lull when I first started with the blog. At first I only shared with people who were super close to me, who weren't going to judge me. But as I've shared more, and more widely, and become more and more vulnerable, it's become more scary. People have said things with well intentions that still sting, and people have said things with judging intentions (not many thankfully!). And it's scary to know that I've just signed myself up for anyone and everyone to judge me, my self care, my treatment of my depression, because apparently we do that with mental health, more so than we do with physical health. It's really weird how we do that. I mean I suppose we judge people who refuse to see a doctor, for whatever the reason, but with mental health, we really judge people on "how hard they're trying". I mean, for crying out loud, I do see a psychiatrist and a therapist (pretty damn regularly), and I exercise and blog and seek support from those around me, and sure, maybe I don't practice mindfulness as often as I should, but I'm TRYING.
I don't know why I feel the need to start off so defensively.
I suppose it's in preparation to say, I'm not entirely sure that this new medication IS working as amazingly well as I initially thought. It's not a miracle drug. And I suppose I never really thought it would be. But I think it did kick in, right around the end of my last period, while we were in Bermuda, and everything felt really great for awhile. And it was this nice long stretch of wonderfulness. And even though I was talking about how I don't want to take that as an expectation of the future, I must have still done that.
This weekend has been super busy for us, in comparison to a lot of recent weekends, and although it's all good things, it's taken a toll on my mood. The anxiety and depression crept into my day yesterday, despite a really great day Friday, starting with a beautiful bike ride with a friend,
a birthday party for a nephew, and quality hanging out with Nasser time after his work trip this week.
(Sorry had to share those pictures). (ARGH, I am not supposed to say sorry. So with the habit I'm trying to form as suggested by Nasser, I will say instead, I love you blog, for allowing me to get distracted with sharing the good stuff, in the middle of sharing the bad stuff. Because that's how I roll).
Yesterday was tough. At many different points. It was also good at many different points. Nasser and I got through a tough discussion about the way we were interacting with eachother and we talked about me trying to cut politics out of my life a little bit since it works me up a bit much. We also had RG's choir concert. Did I tell you he's in a choir this year?? Yeah, I love it. Anyway, I wasn't about to back out of his first ever concert that he was super nervous about, because of some effing depression, so I rallied. But maybe my eyes were a little red and puffy. And I didn't talk much to anyone else. And we really didn't do much afterward with people but it was ok. RG was in a bad mood for awhile about the long day, and dinner plans, and his itchy pants, and he was probably exhausted. Of course, at bed time, he couldn't stop talking with me about the concert, and singing bits of songs, and he seemed to love the choir again.
But then after the kids went to bed, the depression crept in again. I can't even remember what triggered it initially, but it was worsened when we were watching one of our favorite comedians (one we saw live together as one of Nasser's and my first dates back in the day) make several jokes in a row about how psychiatrists aren't real doctors. Oh man that hurt. It was like a blow to the stomach, but I guess more a blow to the brain. Your disease isn't valid. It's all in your head. Just snap out of it. That's the stigma I get faced with in our culture all. the. freaking. time. I'm sure I notice it more because those words scream out at me more than they do other people. I was terrified to watch any other shows or comedians or whatever for fear that there would be more mental illness trivialization.
Today is a bit busy as well with another nephew's birthday party this afternoon (my sister's birthday was yesterday, the nephews' birthdays are this week, a day apart from eachother, and my dad's birthday is next week - October is a busy month for us!!), and I am trying. This morning isn't super easy because Nasser is taking a few hours to play video games with friends who don't live here, online. I've felt better about giving him this time more regularly, since playing with other people is better for him than playing alone, plus it gives him social time with these friends. Normally it's fine, but today the game it a bit more violent with the zombies, and the killing, and the gore, and we're not letting the kids watch. They've gotten some of their own video game time in, hence the ability for me to blog. But I needed it. Already the depression had crept in this morning with me yelling at Nasser for sleeping in, ALL THE TIME, which he really doesn't do. Then he held me while we practiced some mindfulness/breath concentration together to try and prevent me from crying. I still cried, but maybe it wasn't as bad as it would have been had we not practiced.
We decided some verbiage around mindfulness practice. It is a practice, just like yoga. One that, I believe, allows for no existence of failure. If you practice, you will likely get better at it, and you're doing it. You can't be bad at it, there is only the possibility of not practicing it. If you find yourself with wondering thoughts, you simply try again. If you are in a balance yoga pose, and your raised leg falls to the floor, you simply take a deep breath, and try again.
I suppose that's exactly life. You fall down those holes. Maybe you get stuck sometimes, having trouble finding the way out, but we all stop and help eachother along the way. Thank goodness for that.
(Side note at 1:40pm, I was all ready to scrap this post, because I got to a lower state and I thought I sounded too optimistic here, if that gives you any gauge of how I'm doing... whatever. I'll post it anyway and hope that it's hopefulness at the end picks me back up.)
For a little while now, I've been less interested to blog when I'm in a crappy mood. I feel like I've had to force myself to blog during a low, whereas I used to feel a need for the blog before. I think it probably has a little to do with the fact that I do share my blog more widely now and more people can know about my lows.
I think I was calmed into a lull when I first started with the blog. At first I only shared with people who were super close to me, who weren't going to judge me. But as I've shared more, and more widely, and become more and more vulnerable, it's become more scary. People have said things with well intentions that still sting, and people have said things with judging intentions (not many thankfully!). And it's scary to know that I've just signed myself up for anyone and everyone to judge me, my self care, my treatment of my depression, because apparently we do that with mental health, more so than we do with physical health. It's really weird how we do that. I mean I suppose we judge people who refuse to see a doctor, for whatever the reason, but with mental health, we really judge people on "how hard they're trying". I mean, for crying out loud, I do see a psychiatrist and a therapist (pretty damn regularly), and I exercise and blog and seek support from those around me, and sure, maybe I don't practice mindfulness as often as I should, but I'm TRYING.
I don't know why I feel the need to start off so defensively.
I suppose it's in preparation to say, I'm not entirely sure that this new medication IS working as amazingly well as I initially thought. It's not a miracle drug. And I suppose I never really thought it would be. But I think it did kick in, right around the end of my last period, while we were in Bermuda, and everything felt really great for awhile. And it was this nice long stretch of wonderfulness. And even though I was talking about how I don't want to take that as an expectation of the future, I must have still done that.
This weekend has been super busy for us, in comparison to a lot of recent weekends, and although it's all good things, it's taken a toll on my mood. The anxiety and depression crept into my day yesterday, despite a really great day Friday, starting with a beautiful bike ride with a friend,
a birthday party for a nephew, and quality hanging out with Nasser time after his work trip this week.
(Sorry had to share those pictures). (ARGH, I am not supposed to say sorry. So with the habit I'm trying to form as suggested by Nasser, I will say instead, I love you blog, for allowing me to get distracted with sharing the good stuff, in the middle of sharing the bad stuff. Because that's how I roll).
Yesterday was tough. At many different points. It was also good at many different points. Nasser and I got through a tough discussion about the way we were interacting with eachother and we talked about me trying to cut politics out of my life a little bit since it works me up a bit much. We also had RG's choir concert. Did I tell you he's in a choir this year?? Yeah, I love it. Anyway, I wasn't about to back out of his first ever concert that he was super nervous about, because of some effing depression, so I rallied. But maybe my eyes were a little red and puffy. And I didn't talk much to anyone else. And we really didn't do much afterward with people but it was ok. RG was in a bad mood for awhile about the long day, and dinner plans, and his itchy pants, and he was probably exhausted. Of course, at bed time, he couldn't stop talking with me about the concert, and singing bits of songs, and he seemed to love the choir again.
But then after the kids went to bed, the depression crept in again. I can't even remember what triggered it initially, but it was worsened when we were watching one of our favorite comedians (one we saw live together as one of Nasser's and my first dates back in the day) make several jokes in a row about how psychiatrists aren't real doctors. Oh man that hurt. It was like a blow to the stomach, but I guess more a blow to the brain. Your disease isn't valid. It's all in your head. Just snap out of it. That's the stigma I get faced with in our culture all. the. freaking. time. I'm sure I notice it more because those words scream out at me more than they do other people. I was terrified to watch any other shows or comedians or whatever for fear that there would be more mental illness trivialization.
Today is a bit busy as well with another nephew's birthday party this afternoon (my sister's birthday was yesterday, the nephews' birthdays are this week, a day apart from eachother, and my dad's birthday is next week - October is a busy month for us!!), and I am trying. This morning isn't super easy because Nasser is taking a few hours to play video games with friends who don't live here, online. I've felt better about giving him this time more regularly, since playing with other people is better for him than playing alone, plus it gives him social time with these friends. Normally it's fine, but today the game it a bit more violent with the zombies, and the killing, and the gore, and we're not letting the kids watch. They've gotten some of their own video game time in, hence the ability for me to blog. But I needed it. Already the depression had crept in this morning with me yelling at Nasser for sleeping in, ALL THE TIME, which he really doesn't do. Then he held me while we practiced some mindfulness/breath concentration together to try and prevent me from crying. I still cried, but maybe it wasn't as bad as it would have been had we not practiced.
We decided some verbiage around mindfulness practice. It is a practice, just like yoga. One that, I believe, allows for no existence of failure. If you practice, you will likely get better at it, and you're doing it. You can't be bad at it, there is only the possibility of not practicing it. If you find yourself with wondering thoughts, you simply try again. If you are in a balance yoga pose, and your raised leg falls to the floor, you simply take a deep breath, and try again.
I suppose that's exactly life. You fall down those holes. Maybe you get stuck sometimes, having trouble finding the way out, but we all stop and help eachother along the way. Thank goodness for that.
Friday, September 9, 2016
come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!
Friday, 09/09/16, 11:33am
Sometimes I'm not really in the mood to write, to blog. Right now is one of those times, but it feels like I'm resisting every single key stroke. I've been a jumble of thoughts today and the idea of trying to convey them or relive them, sounds horrifying right now. And yet I'm here, forcing myself to try it, because I know that it heals me.
I don't know that sharing comes easily to me. At least not all the time. It's always hard to admit something you feel ashamed of. And I do feel ashamed of my depression. I feel ashamed that it destroyed myday morning (I can still salvage it, right?).
Today hasn't turned out right so far. It started off really well in fact, but a stupid, trivial argument with Nasser triggered me into (totally uncalled for) anger and then sudden, deep depression. (Oh God, this whole meds change!!) Luckily it all happened after the kids got on the bus, so I still have time to recover enough and they won't have seen any of it. Hopefully. It took me out for a good 3 hours so far and I missed my run with friends this morning. I sat/lay paralyzed on my bed, distracting myself with everything from a new Netflix show to facebook to my new book (that was a good one actually and I keep coming back to it today- woohoo!). But the ugly crying happened again and again and again. Maybe I should have blogged three hours ago, but I could not. get myself to. Until now.
I had a mostly good week I think. I was starting to wonder if the new medication was maybe, just maybe starting to kick in. It's possible. It's been about two and a half weeks since I started the new one, a week and a half since we upped the dosage. I certainly didn't expect for it to be kicking in yet, but I'm hoping that accounts for my string of better days. That would put next week at "even better" if the higher dosage then kicks in.
But because I had this false sense of security about my mood, it all hit harder this morning.
I think I'm finally at a point now, after this much blogging, texting with a few support people including Nasser, where I'd say I'm mostly recovered. Like I've climbed out of that hole, but I could still teeter backwards easily or even get pushed, if I'm not super super careful. There are a few things I need to do in order to keep my footing. I am going to eat lunch. Do some yoga, or a lot of yoga, depending on how I feel. I found a great video the other day, especially for anxiety/stress. Even if you're not a yoga/exercise/meditation person, it's worth a watch through the first 5 minutes for the breathing. This is something you can do in an office chair, or laying down for bed, or apparently, sitting at the kitchen table, writing your blog. Because it was worth the 5 minute re-watch, before I then practice the full yoga with the video later.
I still might run this afternoon. Crap. If I have time. Yoga is going to be my first priority though. And I'm not going to beat myself up if the run doesn't actually happen.
I'm going to leave with a photo of me at some point during the 3 hour hell that was my morning. I was a "bit better" at that point, but not much. The eyes had already much improved from the earlier redness.
I chose not to attempt a smile because it would not have expressed how I felt. It was not authentic.
But I am here. I am present. I am.
Sometimes I'm not really in the mood to write, to blog. Right now is one of those times, but it feels like I'm resisting every single key stroke. I've been a jumble of thoughts today and the idea of trying to convey them or relive them, sounds horrifying right now. And yet I'm here, forcing myself to try it, because I know that it heals me.
I don't know that sharing comes easily to me. At least not all the time. It's always hard to admit something you feel ashamed of. And I do feel ashamed of my depression. I feel ashamed that it destroyed my
Today hasn't turned out right so far. It started off really well in fact, but a stupid, trivial argument with Nasser triggered me into (totally uncalled for) anger and then sudden, deep depression. (Oh God, this whole meds change!!) Luckily it all happened after the kids got on the bus, so I still have time to recover enough and they won't have seen any of it. Hopefully. It took me out for a good 3 hours so far and I missed my run with friends this morning. I sat/lay paralyzed on my bed, distracting myself with everything from a new Netflix show to facebook to my new book (that was a good one actually and I keep coming back to it today- woohoo!). But the ugly crying happened again and again and again. Maybe I should have blogged three hours ago, but I could not. get myself to. Until now.
I had a mostly good week I think. I was starting to wonder if the new medication was maybe, just maybe starting to kick in. It's possible. It's been about two and a half weeks since I started the new one, a week and a half since we upped the dosage. I certainly didn't expect for it to be kicking in yet, but I'm hoping that accounts for my string of better days. That would put next week at "even better" if the higher dosage then kicks in.
But because I had this false sense of security about my mood, it all hit harder this morning.
I think I'm finally at a point now, after this much blogging, texting with a few support people including Nasser, where I'd say I'm mostly recovered. Like I've climbed out of that hole, but I could still teeter backwards easily or even get pushed, if I'm not super super careful. There are a few things I need to do in order to keep my footing. I am going to eat lunch. Do some yoga, or a lot of yoga, depending on how I feel. I found a great video the other day, especially for anxiety/stress. Even if you're not a yoga/exercise/meditation person, it's worth a watch through the first 5 minutes for the breathing. This is something you can do in an office chair, or laying down for bed, or apparently, sitting at the kitchen table, writing your blog. Because it was worth the 5 minute re-watch, before I then practice the full yoga with the video later.
I still might run this afternoon. Crap. If I have time. Yoga is going to be my first priority though. And I'm not going to beat myself up if the run doesn't actually happen.
I'm going to leave with a photo of me at some point during the 3 hour hell that was my morning. I was a "bit better" at that point, but not much. The eyes had already much improved from the earlier redness.
I chose not to attempt a smile because it would not have expressed how I felt. It was not authentic.
But I am here. I am present. I am.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
all these places have their moments
Saturday, 03/12/16, 4:47pm
I went outside with the boys this afternoon, them on bikes, me running. We ended up spending some time at the park, where I got some yoga in. Afterward I was sitting around just playing on my new phone (I broke mine yesterday) and just kinda observing around us.
A group of about 10 middle school age girls came to the park from one of the houses in the neighborhood, presumably getting outside to play from a party or something. It was so interesting, and well, heartening to watch. They organized themselves into a game of capture the flag and played on the greenbelt. One girl took the place of leader, explained the rules, and determined the method of dividing into teams. I guess I assumed most kids pick team captains and pick team members, which never turns out great since there's someone always picked last. Instead, she told everyone to pick a partner. When some of the girls asked if they should pick someone they want to be on the same team with, she responded with "doesn't matter". They then played rock, paper, scissors and split the teams based on "winners" and "losers". But having lost didn't really matter in the end. I really liked the leader girl. She was independent, confident, and fair. I hope to raise my boys the same way.
It made me feel a little sad about some playground experiences I've heard from RG. Over a series of conversations I gathered that he doesn't really play football with the other kids during lunch recess. Earlier this year he figured out that he only plays if there are an even number of kids. Presumably these children have team captains (sounds like probably the best players) and pick teams. If there are an odd number of kids wanting to play, RG wouldn't get picked for either team (as in he's the last one there) and therefore doesn't get to play. Sounds kinda crappy, right? It's one of those situations I don't know what to do, and I don't know that anything should be done. I don't want to go and make a big deal out of it to anyone, either teachers or other parents, especially since he was never particularly bothered when explaining all this to me, and yet it hurts my heart a bit. Seems like most playgrounds could benefit from some fair methods of picking teams.
Now I don't want to start any arguments about killing the competitive nature in kids and trying to make everything fair. I get that RG isn't good at football, has trouble throwing with accuracy, but I'm sure he'd get better if his friends allowed him to play. And then again, I'm totally not encouraging football with him. It's definitely not my favorite sport and I have no interest in risking head injuries with my kids. I just wish that picking teams on the playground in 2nd grade wasn't all about picking the best players. Perhaps sometimes it could be about including everyone, just as the older girls did. In that situation, some of the girls were grumbling because they picked their close friend as the partner for rock, paper, scissors, but in the end everyone was happy.
Today is going well. My mother-in-law couldn't get a flight here unfortunately, but we'll hopefully be seeing her pretty soon. In general we've been taking today pretty easy, although we got out of the house for awhile to buy me a new phone and go out for lunch, plus the biking/running/playing at the park time.
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