Wow. Today wasn't supposed to be like this. I've had many different ideas of what today was going to look like over the past few weeks since it's a day off from school for the boys, but depression was never supposed to be part of today. Or yesterday for that matter.
We had a wonderful weekend with our friend from high school visiting. She is a long-time friend, since the beginning of high school for me, end of high school for Nasser, and it just so happens that several years later, Nasser and I met at one of her Christmas parties. So you could say she brought us together. :)
Anyway, she flew in Friday evening and out Sunday in the middle of the day. It was a whirlwind visit, but we tried not to plan too much. Some things, like RG's horseplay class horse show,
and the neighborhood picnic were unavoidable, but we didn't make any huge plans for hikes or trips up to the mountains. Those would have been wonderful, but I think we all needed a more relaxing visit close to home.
Lots of catching up, my friend (a gymnast) helped TK into several little cartwheels and flips and hanging upside down. We have known for awhile that we NEED to get this kiddo into gymnastics but having some of her influence this weekend, made us realize it more. The videos below show some of the reasons I think he'd be great at it, and LOVE it. He's obsessed with using his upper body strength at playgrounds. :)
So, at this point, you're probably like, hey girl, you're avoiding talking about the depression. Maybe. But then writing about the good stuff is really therapeutic to me as well. I'm getting there. Be patient.
Yesterday soon after we woke up, though, we found out my sister's father-in-law passed away on Saturday. Getting hit with another close death, one who was close to my own parents' ages, and feeling so much for my sister and my brother-in-law and his family, and my nephews, I was feeling a lot of sadness yesterday, which sometimes triggered other depression-related things.
I drove my friend to the airport yesterday morning, and I cried almost the whole way home. I cried for my sister's father-in-law, I cried for Adam, I cried for my aunt who died earlier this year. I cried about death. What a crappy year.
I feel so mortal this year.
A little after I got back from the airport, my mother-in-law and her husband arrived, Indian takeout in hand. It was a nice day spent with them, I took some hammock alone time after lunch. But I couldn't feel happy.
And I tried...
For once I didn't really hide my sadness entirely from the others. First I told Nasser I wasn't doing well, but openly fought tears or let into tears several times throughout the day. But yesterday, it was more sadness, more grief.
Today, I panicked before my shower. I started panicking about everything we had to do between now and leaving for our Bermuda trip tomorrow evening. And then once the tears started, I just couldn't really fight them. I held it together when I went into my psychiatrist's office, but only in the waiting area. I couldn't hold it together when I told Nasser I needed him at my appointment with me, I couldn't hold it together when I sat there telling my doctor how things have been going, and I couldn't hold it together when I drove to, or from, my appointment, and I couldn't hold it together when I told my step father-in-law that I didn't think I could come with on this mountain excursion planned for today, and I couldn't hold it together when RG asked me why I couldn't come today and he then utterly refused to go as well, and I couldn't hold it together when I asked for help from a few of my local mom friends for a different appointment tomorrow (thank goodness that was all on facebook chat and NOT in person), and I can't hold it together every time my thoughts stray towards "I am a failure".
It is ok though for me to have a bad day. Or couple of days. I have to allow that with grief, and apparently I have to allow that with stress and periods as well. Because yeah, the period is happening now. Right smack in the middle of everything else, and in time for these flights to Bermuda (I hate having my period on a plane and with an effing red-eye flight thrown in there) and I really didn't want my period on any beach/snorkeling/swimming days. WTF. Hopefully it at least finishes before the end of the trip. And the plane rides are really going to be the absolute worst of it.
And now I'm going to fight that urge to apologize for "TMI" because I'm not gonna. Because as we recall, I want to make it normal to talk about menstruation.
Today, I have just a few things I'm going to do. Blogging was high on the priority list, but there's also all the laundry and the list-making and the packing. I can do it, right? Even if I have to lay on my bed and cry every half hour, I can still accomplish a lot.
RG is home with me, which wasn't supposed to happen in one of those plans for today. He would get a reading and video game day if I do nothing else. But the two of us had a long talk yesterday in the hammock about his cousins' grandpa, illness, cancer and chemotherapy. I taught him a little about the immune system and told him about vaccines and some of the diseases they protect him against, we talked about illness in previous centuries and plagues and death. Perhaps it was all very morbid, but he learned a ton and he loved getting personal mommy time to talk. When TK kicked us out of the hammock so he and grandma could have some time, RG asked me to continue the conversation more. But something happened when we came inside. I started ruminating again and I had to postpone the Mommy-RG time until today (hopefully).
It makes me nervous, all these ideas and expectations that so easily form in my head as I write about my plans for today. I gotta remember to take it easy and slow and controlled today. I am cutting myself slack today by not going up into the mountains, and I'm making it easier to finish some of the tasks that need to happen before our trip. But I'm going to breathe and say, I got this. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's good to take care of myself. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's ok.
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