I stupidly hurt my finger. I rammed it into an edge on the towel rack when I went to dry my hands, and the fingernail tore, badly. It's split diagonally down the center, about a 1/3 of the way down. Oh it's ugly. The pain has gotten better, with advil and time, but I'm still frustrated.
I am so tempted to add a picture here, although it's covered with a band-aid now and I don't know that my readers would appreciate the gore. Hah.
Even though typing is probably not the best thing for the nail, I'm attempting it. Because I feel behind on the blog and I miss it.
This weekend... was... great. I ended up having a girls weekend in the mountains. These were women I've been friends with for a long time. All of us are moms, we all have kids of similar ages, some of the group met in birthing classes or around then, and two of us are sisters.
5 of the 6 of us carpooled up in, none other than, a minivan.
Half the group joined some of my family (my brother-in-law plus kids, my brother plus kid, 2 of my cousins) on a 14er on Saturday. (For those outside of Colorado, a 14er is a mountain that is 14,000ft or higher).
It was fun, tiring, humbling, and tough. I did not summit (I was having a really hard time with the elevation and shortness of breath which made me feel panicked, and I was starting to have trouble keeping a sure footing on the loose rocks), although we think I made it above 14,000ft elevation, probably within about 100ft of the summit, so I call it a win. :) We had some amazing views, and got really close to some mountain goats who had no fear around us.
me at my highest elevation of the day, admitting defeat
Someday I will attempt it again, maybe after I get into better overall shape and better altitude shape. Need to be in more of a regular habit of going up to altitude before I attempt this one again.
Before the 14er group of the ladies weekend passed out of exhaustion Saturday night, we made it through a delicious dinner out, some apple pie sangria back at the condo,
we rocked out to some dance music with our awesome speaker setup,
and we played a fun game all together.
I feel like I keep getting breaks from the kids, breaks from regular life, lately, and yet I just seem to keep needing them. I guess that's life in some respects, or maybe life for me right now. While I continue to figure out living with depression, and anxiety. Maybe someday I'll have it more figured out, but right now, I feel like I have a long way to go.
Although I made it through the weekend feeling wonderful, the depression and anxiety hit yesterday when I was faced with the reality of Nasser leaving for a work trip for several days. I'm working on it, struggling but trying to allow myself the break now that I hurt my finger. Normal activity seems to be re-injuring it a little and I'm nervous to drive later tonight for choir. Still don't think I'll end up at urgent care for this, but we'll see.
Wow. Today wasn't supposed to be like this. I've had many different ideas of what today was going to look like over the past few weeks since it's a day off from school for the boys, but depression was never supposed to be part of today. Or yesterday for that matter.
We had a wonderful weekend with our friend from high school visiting. She is a long-time friend, since the beginning of high school for me, end of high school for Nasser, and it just so happens that several years later, Nasser and I met at one of her Christmas parties. So you could say she brought us together. :)
Anyway, she flew in Friday evening and out Sunday in the middle of the day. It was a whirlwind visit, but we tried not to plan too much. Some things, like RG's horseplay class horse show,
and the neighborhood picnic were unavoidable, but we didn't make any huge plans for hikes or trips up to the mountains. Those would have been wonderful, but I think we all needed a more relaxing visit close to home.
Lots of catching up, my friend (a gymnast) helped TK into several little cartwheels and flips and hanging upside down. We have known for awhile that we NEED to get this kiddo into gymnastics but having some of her influence this weekend, made us realize it more. The videos below show some of the reasons I think he'd be great at it, and LOVE it. He's obsessed with using his upper body strength at playgrounds. :)
So, at this point, you're probably like, hey girl, you're avoiding talking about the depression. Maybe. But then writing about the good stuff is really therapeutic to me as well. I'm getting there. Be patient.
Yesterday soon after we woke up, though, we found out my sister's father-in-law passed away on Saturday. Getting hit with another close death, one who was close to my own parents' ages, and feeling so much for my sister and my brother-in-law and his family, and my nephews, I was feeling a lot of sadness yesterday, which sometimes triggered other depression-related things.
I drove my friend to the airport yesterday morning, and I cried almost the whole way home. I cried for my sister's father-in-law, I cried for Adam, I cried for my aunt who died earlier this year. I cried about death. What a crappy year.
I feel so mortal this year.
A little after I got back from the airport, my mother-in-law and her husband arrived, Indian takeout in hand. It was a nice day spent with them, I took some hammock alone time after lunch. But I couldn't feel happy.
And I tried...
For once I didn't really hide my sadness entirely from the others. First I told Nasser I wasn't doing well, but openly fought tears or let into tears several times throughout the day. But yesterday, it was more sadness, more grief.
Today, I panicked before my shower. I started panicking about everything we had to do between now and leaving for our Bermuda trip tomorrow evening. And then once the tears started, I just couldn't really fight them. I held it together when I went into my psychiatrist's office, but only in the waiting area. I couldn't hold it together when I told Nasser I needed him at my appointment with me, I couldn't hold it together when I sat there telling my doctor how things have been going, and I couldn't hold it together when I drove to, or from, my appointment, and I couldn't hold it together when I told my step father-in-law that I didn't think I could come with on this mountain excursion planned for today, and I couldn't hold it together when RG asked me why I couldn't come today and he then utterly refused to go as well, and I couldn't hold it together when I asked for help from a few of my local mom friends for a different appointment tomorrow (thank goodness that was all on facebook chat and NOT in person), and I can't hold it together every time my thoughts stray towards "I am a failure".
It is ok though for me to have a bad day. Or couple of days. I have to allow that with grief, and apparently I have to allow that with stress and periods as well. Because yeah, the period is happening now. Right smack in the middle of everything else, and in time for these flights to Bermuda (I hate having my period on a plane and with an effing red-eye flight thrown in there) and I really didn't want my period on any beach/snorkeling/swimming days. WTF. Hopefully it at least finishes before the end of the trip. And the plane rides are really going to be the absolute worst of it.
And now I'm going to fight that urge to apologize for "TMI" because I'm not gonna. Because as we recall, I want to make it normal to talk about menstruation.
Today, I have just a few things I'm going to do. Blogging was high on the priority list, but there's also all the laundry and the list-making and the packing. I can do it, right? Even if I have to lay on my bed and cry every half hour, I can still accomplish a lot.
RG is home with me, which wasn't supposed to happen in one of those plans for today. He would get a reading and video game day if I do nothing else. But the two of us had a long talk yesterday in the hammock about his cousins' grandpa, illness, cancer and chemotherapy. I taught him a little about the immune system and told him about vaccines and some of the diseases they protect him against, we talked about illness in previous centuries and plagues and death. Perhaps it was all very morbid, but he learned a ton and he loved getting personal mommy time to talk. When TK kicked us out of the hammock so he and grandma could have some time, RG asked me to continue the conversation more. But something happened when we came inside. I started ruminating again and I had to postpone the Mommy-RG time until today (hopefully).
It makes me nervous, all these ideas and expectations that so easily form in my head as I write about my plans for today. I gotta remember to take it easy and slow and controlled today. I am cutting myself slack today by not going up into the mountains, and I'm making it easier to finish some of the tasks that need to happen before our trip. But I'm going to breathe and say, I got this. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's good to take care of myself. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's ok.
I am overdue to blog. I've felt it. 3 days went by with no blogging. I've been a little bit stressed, and quite busy, and I just haven't taken the time when I have had down time. When I started my post, I typed the date, thinking, wow, I hadn't really had a clue what the date was today. That's when I realized I really needed to blog. Just thinking about the day, the date, and the time, as I begin every blog post, I become slightly more mindful and reflective and grounded. It's a practice I'm really glad I started. I wanted my blog to feel a little bit like a journal in that way. Hah, even though I share it with others, it still feels like my personal journal in a lot of ways still.
We've had a lot of time with family and friends in the last 4 days. It's been really wonderful, but I'm glad that tomorrow is mostly just our little family. We need that time to be with just us to recharge. Maybe we are all a bit introverted.
We do have quite a bit more of family/friend time coming up with a trip to the mountains, Crested Butte specifically. There are lots of mountain ski towns- Steamboat Springs, Breckenridge, Frisco, Vail/Beaver Creek, Aspen, Telluride- and they're all quite different. I certainly haven't spent much time in all of them, but Crested Butte seems particularly unique. It feels a little less crowded (although I haven't been there in several years, that may have changed) than the other ski areas, a little more relaxed. I liked it there in the past. I'm excited to be bringing my husband and kids there; they all have never been.
We drive to Crested Butte tomorrow, it's a 4.5 hour drive, but with kids, that'll likely take a bit longer. And it's supposed to snow (it's been 70s the last couple days). There's a blizzard warning starting at 6am tomorrow so it doesn't matter much when we leave. Oi. This drive might be a lot longer than I was thinking. Remember to pack lots of car activity options.
I decided I had to skip choir tonight. I was feeling rather stressed about the number of things I still needed to do before leaving tomorrow. Plus I haven't worked out or showered yet today. Not sure either is going to happen even with skipping choir. And here I am blogging instead of getting packed, or folding the last load of laundry, or writing a note for the awesome gal checking on our kitty and the hermit crabs we are pet-sitting for our friends, or. . . . . stop. I am blogging to ground myself. Not to make a list of what I still need to do.
I am blogging to ground myself. I like it.
I've said before that blogging is my therapy. But here I am, yet again, reveling in that awesome power of the blog. Hah.
I do feel terrible about missing choir, but I needed to for my sanity tonight. We are allowed 2 absences each semester, which is tough sometimes to stay under. This was my second, so here I am banking on not needing any absences for the next month and a half. Since I've already missed one this semester. Which at the moment I am totally blanking why I missed. Probably a Nasser travel night. Or a depressed night.
Well I do feel remarkably grounded now, but itching to get moving on my to-do list. So farewell, dear blog, likely until Crested Butte. Need to schedule time to blog in Crested Butte. Add to to-do list. Sigh. I never stop.
