all I really want is some comfort, a way to get my hands untied

Tuesday, 09/06/16, 9:31am

I don't really want to blog right now. I'm not in the mood for it, but I feel the need to somehow.

The main reason I need to blog, is I found a NAMI blog post, shared on facebook, that really resonated with me. The author writes about "smiling depression", which
 
involves appearing happy to others and smiling through the pain, keeping the inner turmoil hidden. It’s a major depressive disorder with atypical symptoms, and as a result, many don’t know they’re depressed or don’t seek help. People with smiling depression are often partnered or married, employed and are quite accomplished and educated. Their public, professional and social lives are not struggling. Their façade is put together and accomplished. 

But behind the mask and behind closed doors, their minds are filled with thoughts of worthlessness, inadequacy and despair. They’ve usually struggled with depression and/or debilitating anxiety for years and have had some experience with therapy or medication. Many don’t disclose their depression due to fear of discrimination from loved ones or employers. “Oftentimes, I am the only person in this individual’s immediate circle who is aware of how he or she is feeling on the inside,” said Dina Goldstein Silverman, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry."

The entire blog post is worth the read, but this is important because Silverman says "there's a troubling connection between smiling depression and suicide."

I wouldn't really say that I suffer from "smiling depression", anymore, because I've become so open about my depression with others, but maybe I still do to some extent. In person, I will talk about my depression more often than I used to, but oftentimes I will hide it with others, if I'm feeling those feelings and I'm forced into a social situation. This can happen when we travel with others, for ski vacations, camping, family trips, visiting friends or family. If I'm constantly around other people for a weekend for example, I will typically have at least one depressive breakdown, maybe a half hour to a couple hour event usually taking place while hiding with Nasser in the privacy of our bedroom, and then "recover" enough to go be social and happy with the others. I won't usually discuss what happened, even though others may know I've been crying by looking into my eyes. Really I bottle those feelings up for the moment. And it forces me into some resemblance of "recovery", only I don't think it really makes me any better in the long run.

I've been backing out on social engagements more lately, and I think it comes across as "doing badly" or I have "worsened depression". But I don't think that's what it is. Since being more open with my depression in the blog, and as well as on facebook recently, I feel more authentic. And honestly, I'm less interested in being social right after a depressive breakdown because I don't know how yet to be truly authentic (and emotionally safe) with everyone I know when I'm in that state. How can I know that really? We shame "bad feelings" or "moods" so much, that we instinctively hide it when we're around others. Or at least I do. And I'm not interested as much in pretending to be "better" when it's just a façade and a temporary recovery. I do it, still, plenty often, but I'm learning to be more authentic with those I trust. I will talk about my depression and share about my most recent depressive breakdown at a party or family get-together, because I'm trying to be authentic.

It's been hard for me to know how to respond lately when people ask "how are you doing?". When it's someone I don't know, like at the grocery store, I still say "fine, how are you?" or something along those lines. But when it's someone I know, and I assume now that they know I have depression and they may or may not read my blog, I want to be more authentic. And no, actually I'm not really fine. I haven't been "fine" in a long, long time. Like truly fine, like consistently fine. Maybe it's only been since Adam's death, or maybe it's been since my depression really manifested 8.5ish years ago.

And we continue to work on it, as we've done since I first started treatment. I've been on several different medications and am now working on a new one, I've been doing therapy consistently for a long time, I've read (some) books and many articles on ways to help depression, I've blogged, I've discussed it at length with friends and family, I've cut out alcohol to very rare occasions, I've been working on affirmations, I practice mindfulness and I recognize the important of exercise and eating right on my overall health. I have put and continue to put so much effect into "not being depressed".

And I still. get. depressed.

I think that will always be the case, but all I can do is to continue doing the things I do. I continue to try to be better, to limit the depression as much as possible, and to cut myself slack when it hits or when I'm going through tough things like changing medications.

And it's ok. I will always continue working on the things that are shown to help, I will continue trying new things (even if I'm slow to start them, because there are still emotional hurdles to overcome with these), and I will continue to seek the support of others and try not to feel guilty over it.

We're going to end this post with some affirmations now.

I am strong. I am loving. I am capable. I am compassionate. I am brave. I am loved. I am nurturing. I am supported.

I am absolutely NOT a failure.

I dare greatly, at least sometimes.

And I continue.