I believe that dreams are sacred. take my darkest fears and play them like a lullaby, like a reason why, like a play of my obsessions, make me understand the lesson, so I'll find myself, so I won't be lost again.

Monday, 05/22/17, 1:49pm, 3:28pm, 4:56pm, 6:20pm

Hello blog.

It's been so long since I've blogged and I've written so infrequently this year, that I feel lost in trying to find a way to write again.

It's been a really tough year. A tough many years. I thought it might be beneficial, for me, as well as you, any readers out there who've stuck with me, to do some recapping today.

I had a primary care appointment today with a doctor who only met me once, last fall, although she'd been assigned as my primary care doctor for several years prior to that. My primary care went to shit, probably at the point of going to college, if I really look back on it. I never had a regular doctor, and when I did have issues, women's stuff, prenatal care when it came time to it, tearing my meniscus and having surgery, and then later, psychiatric care, I always went to the specialist. I mean it always made sense to have my ob-gyn care done through an ob-gyn office. And then I wanted to be seeing a psychiatrist when it because obvious that I had depression and needed more help. I established a primary care physician several years ago after seeing a practice several times for colds/etc.

Anyway. She kinda scolded me today, as she did last fall, for not having primary care. And I'm now at a point that I have 3 psychiatrists at a time, we're reading my lab results ourselves because everything's been ordered by a different doctor, I have a therapist, a sleep specialist, now primary care, and you throw depression and anxiety into the whole mix, and suddenly it's too much. I can see why people stop seeing doctors and stop going to therapy and stop taking their meds and say, fuck it, I need to just figure this out on my own. The primary care doctor told me to consider reducing my sugar intake because I told her I haven't been good about that lately. Well yeah, it's no surprise that I'm eating more sweets, I've been fucking depressed for many years now, with little relief, great, here I am, making it worse with the choices I made, that my depression leads me to. (Sorry for the outburst. I'm frustrated).

Our mental healthcare system really isn't great. It's tough to get the care you need, in a reasonable amount of time, even with "good" health insurance. I can't imagine how tough it is with further road blocks.

So as many of you know, I was somewhat stable on a set of medications for some time before my brother-in-law, my husband's brother, Adam passed away last year, Friday, May 13, after being hit by a train. This was after several years of battling paranoid schizophrenia. Understandably, it was awful. The depression that hit me after his death, the loss of his battle with his mental illness, shook me to my core. In the fall of last year, it became apparent that the meds I was on weren't going to cut it. I tried several more in the fall and was finally diagnosed as "treatment resistant" in January. Over the course of 8 years I've tried at least 6 antidepressants, 1 anti-anxiety medication, 1 antipsychotic, and at least 3 off label drugs including ketamine. I've done years of therapy and continue to do it, I've tried vitamin supplements and yoga and mindfulness and CBT and diet/exercise and workbooks, I did TMS, we've continuously ruled out medical things and we're still working on the sleep thing. As it turns out the at home sleep study was inconclusive but gave reason to do an in lab study which of course can't be scheduled until July. Great.

And now, we're getting ready to start ECT. If you don't click the link, I'll give a brief explanation here, but I also do suggest reading what I linked. I'm planning to start ECT, or electro-convulsive therapy, on Monday, June 19. I'll be having treatments 3 days a week (Monday/Wednesday/Friday) during the acute phase of the treatment, which can last anywhere from 2 to 5 or 6 weeks. During the acute phase, plus two additional weeks after, I'll need 24/7 supervision. So, Nasser is planning on taking a leave of absence from work for much of the summer, and the kids will be in camps during the weeks. The procedure is done under general anesthesia, and they'll be passing electrical currents through my brain, which induce a brief seizure. The biggest and likeliest side effect is on short term memory. We don't know how bad it will be, but that's the main reason for the 24/7 supervision, and plus I can't drive. Oh and some memories made in the weeks or months prior to starting treatment could also be lost.

Oi. It's a lot.

I'm scared of ECT, but almost less scared of the procedure part of it than I was with TMS, strangely. I'm more scared that ECT won't work for me, because I know how that disappointment felt after TMS didn't really work, and ketamine didn't work, and I'm just so sick of things not working. But I'm hoping, at least a little.

We have this big trip planned. We're going to Alaska, by way of Seattle and Vancouver, then cruise with stops in Ketchikan, Juneau, and Skagway, then cruising through Fjords to Whittier, AK. Then we head to Denali, by way of Anchorage to get rental cars, and we'll do the 6.5 hour bus tour thing in Denali, staying at a nearby bed and breakfast. Did I mention we're doing this whole trip with like all my immediate family? My parents, my siblings and their families, and our little family. There's 16 of us, with 5 rooms on the cruise and at the bed and breakfast. I'm excited about this trip, and I'm terrified. I'm nervous about being around a lot of people a lot of the time. I've been avoiding people for some time, and maybe if you were one to judge you'd say that my behavior is contributing to the problem, but I can assure you, the depression came first. And besides, the depression actually is an effing disease, people, let's not stigmatize it more.

It's hard to share openly about my depression and anxiety. Especially because I've found little relief from many treatments. I don't usually offer hope, much, anymore, and sharing takes so much out of me lately. Sharing in person, whether it's with friends, or neighbors, or family, or my therapist, or another doctor, takes so so much out of me. And not everyone reacts or says the things I wish they'd say. I wish the world just had more empathy, less sympathy and pity, less judgement, more of good old fashioned putting-yourself-in-someone-else's-shoes. We're working on it as a family more, at least trying to.

So, I guess that's all I really wanted to share about right now. I'm hoping to get into the habit of blogging more, again, as I've been hoping for many months now, but we'll see. Hopefully I can at least get a few posts about ECT in, maybe one about Alaska before the treatment starts.

"there must be some way out of here" said the joker to the thief. "there's too much confusion", I can't get no relief

Saturday, 05/06/17, 7:31am

Hi blog. It's been awhile. It feels like a long while.

I haven't wanted to blog the last several weeks because it doesn't feel like there's much new to share. I mean I suppose there is, psychiatric care speaking, but my mood has been down for a long time now. I suppose this is what you'd call, medically, a major depressive episode. It's lasted for a month and a half or so now, with very little relief.

It's been hard. And discouraging.

I've been on ketamine for about 3.5 weeks now, with little to show for it. We added a new antidepressant a week after starting the ketamine, but I guess we wouldn't expect much from that for a couple more weeks. Last week, Nasser and I met with another new doctor, to get the conversations started about ECT (remember, electro-convulsive therapy?). So, yeah. The current plan is to get ECT started next month. The reason we're waiting to start it, well, I suppose there's a few reasons. We have a trip planned at the beginning of June, with my family, to Alaska. And if we started ECT now, the treatment would still be going on then and I wouldn't be able to go. As of now, I'm still not willing to give up Alaska. Additionally, I had a sleep study consult scheduled this past week, and we want to get all that figured out. I'm not sure if I ever shared about this. Earlier this year, I did a nocturnal oximetry study, which is simply a test to measure the oxygen levels in my blood throughout the night. I did the study at home, with just a pulse oximeter on my finger. The test was basically inconclusive, but I did have a really weird event that night, around 2am, when my oxygen levels dropped to around 85% suddenly. And it took awhile to recover. Plus my levels, in general, had a lot of ups and downs. They weren't necessarily indicative of sleep apnea, but we do suspect that. I've always snored, and Nasser has noticed at various points in our marriage, times where I seem to stop breathing briefly. So, of course, if I do have sleep apnea, that could be a contributing factor to the depression. I'm scheduled to pick up all the equipment for a full at home study next Thursday, and I'll be doing 2 nights of it.

The other reason to wait to start ECT, is I do want to see how this new antidepressant goes. We know that TMS could have changed my brain chemistry to make me more receptive to antidepressants, so there's some hope. But then again, I feel like I haven't had much hope in quite some time. And even despite the good odds with ECT, I'm not feeling hopeful about that either. It sucks.

I've been trying some deep breathing practice, coloring, reading, distraction methods, getting help from friends and from Nasser. And I feel like nothing works. I feel defeated, discouraged, and I'm scared that I will never find relief again in my life.

I hate to cut off this blog post so quickly, with so little hope in here, but then sharing about how much I think my life sucks right now also doesn't feel helpful. I guess it's back to some distraction methods after this.

but the fire is so delightful

Tuesday, 11/22/16, 8:50am, 10:12am

I haven't wanted to blog. My last two posts were more political, and I'm sure I probably offended somebody. I still stand by how I felt when I wrote them, and I stand by how I still feel. Regardless of how much I get called "crybaby" or "sore loser" or whatever else. There's been a lot of name calling. If you haven't figured out by now that I have some real, pretty valid concerns about the Trump administration and the hate crimes that have been going on, then I suppose you would name call. The same people that name call are the same people that don't listen to other people are the same people who refuse to tap into that empathy that they are born with.

Because I do think to some extent we are born with empathy. Children typically are empathetic. Babies "sympathy cry" with eachother when they're near another baby that cries. And most children stop to comfort when another person is upset or hurt. I think we can always nurture our empathy further, some need to more than others. And at a certain point in life, many people push their empathy away. We are taught that feelings are bad and we should hide them. Men are expected to be "tough guys" and women are taught that crying in public is weak and in order to make it in the working world, we are forced to hide all emotion. Empathy, on the other hand, forces you to face all the emotions. In order to empathize, we must try to feel what someone else is feeling. We recognize a feeling in others and we admit that yes we have felt this before in this instance or whatever and we allow ourselves to feel some semblance of that emotion again.

Let's do a quick refresher on empathy. You all remember Brené Brown, right? Here again is that empathy cartoon she narrates that's always worth re-watching.

Brené says that you must be vulnerable in order to be empathetic. You must feel a little of what the other person is feeling, and that's not easy. Most people don't want to be upset and avoid it at all costs. So it ends up beings difficult to try and gain support from others when things aren't going your way. You see this on platforms such as facebook. It's those new baby, new job, new house, amazing vacation posts that get the most attention. People generally scroll past the things that bother them or make them uncomfortable or bring up feelings that force them to be vulnerable. And I suppose that's somewhat fair since most people are turning to facebook to get some sort of mindless break from reality. (I'm not dissing those that spend time on facebook, I do it too, a lot). I'm not sure I use facebook the same way as the general population. I have "liked" so many different news organizations, professional athletes, people like Brené Brown and Cheryl Strayed and Glennon Doyle Melton, my favorite senators, comedians, NAMI, etc that I get a lot more out of my facebook experience (I feel) than just catching up on all my friends' lives. Lately I've additionally appreciated the support from politically like-minded people there. Not to go on a tangent about facebook, but there are some good things about it.

We are spending this Thanksgiving week in Steamboat Springs, as a break from life and work and school and commitments and reality. Adam's (Nasser's brother, who as you may recall, passed away in May) birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, mine two days later, and we are expecting both to be potential triggers. The place we've got is super nice, 2 bdrm, 2 bathroom, great amount of space for us, has a hot tub, and it's super convenient to the free shuttle. We actually did take that shuttle yesterday into town to go to the hot springs pools. There's a climbing wall, coming out of one of the pools, in 10ft deep water, that RG and I attempted, but never accomplished, several times. Nasser, of course, rang the bell at the top on his first try. His extra height is what helped him so much; that's my story at least.

So far though, we haven't done much. We've each done a lot of what we each want to do. There's been a fair amount of video games as well as some house design planning,

TK and I are the only ones to have tried the hot tub so far- it's awesome though, RG and I played Ticket to Ride yesterday,

Nasser and I played Red 7 the day before, the boys have been trying out the Playstation 3 that's in the master bedroom.

We've all been eating and relaxing A LOT.

We have a few more things we may do, although some are dependent on the snow conditions on the mountain (the ski resort is supposed to open officially to the public on Thursday, but we'll see if that happens), we have lots more board games to try (several that Nasser and I enjoy but haven't attempted with the kids yet), more hot springs to potentially check out, and more relaxing to do. I like this trip so far.

Today's view.

Also my children truly are Colorado kids. This is how they dressed for the road trip to get here.

home where my thought's escaping, home where my music's playing

Tuesday, 09/27/16, 10:03am, 12:57pm, 3:24pm, 5:47pm, 8:05pm (gah, briefly editing during choir rehearsal while she reviewed other song parts and altos weren't singing), and finally 10:28pm, make that all the way up until Wednesday 09/28/16 12:28am (all mountain time)

Whew. Wow. Blog, I have missed you, but it's been a good break. An excellent break. A much needed break. A beautiful, loving, quality friend time, adventurous, whirlwind, heart bursting break.

Last night we got home from Bermuda. Bermuda, bermuda, bermuda. Oh how I love thee.

Our friends who got married there on Saturday actually live there. So now we are already trying to decide when we'll go back, with the kids. Need to save up some money to all go as a family! And we want to go when we can enjoy the ocean together as a family. So to a point where the boys are strong enough swimmers that we can do some boating (did I mention that those friends of ours own a boat?) and some snorkeling. We actually ended up with no beach time, other than walking on the dark beach and sticking my feet in the water at the reception (that was incredibly amazing though). The one time we were going to try and make it to the beach was the morning after we arrived and we really were in need of some sleeping in time then. Several other times we had rain, wind, storm coming in. More on that later.

We arrived last Wednesday around noon island time, after THREE flights from Denver starting at 7:40pm mountain time last Tuesday evening. It was originally supposed to be only one connection, at JFK, but the Denver to New York red-eye was canceled by Delta months ago. They first tried to re-book us through LAX, but after Nasser called them, he made it better by flying through Salt Lake City.

Oh man, we arrived a bit bleary-eyed, but super excited. 

I LOVED watching the view as we were coming in.

Nasser got tired of me taking pictures pretty quickly. Haha. I loved the little airport though and it's "cute-ness" just made me that much more excited to be there.

We took a taxi (the first of many) to our little Airbnb studio apartment.

I suppose you could call it an efficiency? It was a one bedroom, one bathroom place, one unit of several others in a house that appeared to have been converted. Our host, Josie, was super nice, attentive and was there to meet us and show us around the place. It didn't have a kitchen, but it did have the necessities- a mini fridge, microwave, coffee maker, hot pot for heating water, set of 4 plates and silverware, mugs, glasses, as well as a few little snacks to get us started. She even had books and movies, and a little balcony (which we failed to use). We could have even picked up some food and grilled it on the little charcoal grill she had provided in the closet. We went out on the balcony only to bring in the patio furniture before the storm came through; the entire island was preparing for Tropical Storm Karl before it skirted around us Saturday morning, the morning of the wedding. It hit its closest to the island at around 4am. Again, more on that later.

Our rented studio was in the same building as a couple of our friends. Their unit was just downstairs, similar provisions, although it was a different portion of that house. It appeared that our unit was the original master bedroom, with the master bathroom, so nice big shower and bathtub (although Bermuda has limited water, everyone collects rain water as there is no municipal water supply. So we were not really "permitted" to use the bathtub. Although we did wonder if there was plenty of water after the tropical storm, we never used it).

We quickly dropped off our stuff Wednesday, and met our friends outside who had a taxi to scoop us up and head to the caves. It was raining, a lot, that entire day, but we ended up having an amazing time, taking a tour through Crystal Cave (we couldn't go to Fantasy Cave because the tides were too high),

The underground lake can be accessed by scuba diving through underground tunnels, but they do tours for the normal people. They used to do boat tours through this, so I think that's how many of the stalactites were broken. Some were purposely broken to allow for tours to walk through, as well as some stolen by tourists. 

Very sad to see how damaged it looked.

The two large rock formations are what's really interesting about this picture.

The yellow fire hydrant looking one on the left is about 14 ft tall. The one in the right bottom corner is 35 ft tall.

The distortion happens due to the layers of fresh water vs salt water and the mix in the middle. Also, the depth of the water gets to be about 55 ft deep in sections. Seeing through the crystal clear water was mesmerizing. I could have sat in there and just looked at the cave and water for hours.

They'd been getting a lot of weather in Bermuda over the previous days and as a result the tides were high? 

I think. Or maybe that time of day in particular? 

Anyway, we had to duck to get under some of the rock formations as we walked on the floating bridge. 

You can see up to the original opening to the cave way up there. Two young boys discovered 

the cave in 1907, but some of the rock formations in the cave are estimated to be about 1.5 million years old. 

Back when the two boys, around age 10/11, found it, they of course only had candles to explore and 

ended up getting lost for like 3 hours trying to get back out. Or so was the story told to us by our very entertaining tour guide. Oh how I wish I could remember his name! And I should have taken pictures of more of the wonderful people we met on the trip, especially people who lived on the island- our host, our cave tour guide, some of our taxi drivers, guests at the wedding who live on the island. 

(speaking of which, I cannot wait to see the professional photos and more of the other guests' photos.)

eating lunch at the Swizzle Inn (had to try the Rum Swizzles there of course),

we got to meet the mother, aunt, cousin, sister, and brother-in-law 

of the groom at Crystal Cave and for lunch. Nasser already knew some of them and 

our other friends had arrived the previous day. a lot of the guests mingled really nicely together- friends from different parts of their lives, from childhood, high school/college, from work, from Bermuda, and family 

and adventuring through the forests and caves and swimming holes with the friends staying at the Airbnb.

I, of course, had to climb a tree; it was raining and the tree was super slippery, so I didn't climb very high up. 

By the way, we're still on Wednesday only. Keep in mind we have a second wind after seeing some cool things, we finally got a good meal in us (late in the afternoon after breakfast had been in New York early in the morning), and the rain was keeping us feeling really awake and alive.

we trekked through the forests, on a sorta trail

we tried taking shelter in the rain for a bit, but we were pretty soaked by that point

had we been explorers who needed shelter for the night, we would have been set in this cave we found.

good thing we had our cell phone flashlights, haha.

we  found another cave with its own private, more untouched underground lake. 

I was way too scared to attempt swimming in it without any real light and 

trying not to get pierced by rock formations under the water. We really considered it though!

I am pretty sure swimming in any of these caves and swimming holes is frowned upon, but I would expect some of these cave pools are accessible by scuba diving. maybe someday I'll get scuba certified. it's something I'm actually somewhat scared of, I think. but it also sounds amazing. you would think that me being a swimmer and I love snorkeling, I would be able to handle scuba diving, right?? someday, perhaps we'll do it as a family when they boys are in high school. how cool would that be?

it was pretty eerie 

but really fun

we did swim in a pool that was better lit. so so cool. 

and it totally rained the entire time. we saw three crabs on the rocks around us; 

two were fighting eachother. had my phone been truly waterproof and I wasn't scared to lose it, 

I would have gotten some pictures of that too. 

Nasser captured a couple shots for me before getting in himself.

After another taxi ride (boy we felt bad about getting the seats wet since we were soaked through by this point and dripping although the driver was super nice and thought we looked like we really needed the ride, which we really did, it was way to far to walk), we went back to our Airbnbs and took showers. We then made our first of many walks over to the Fairmont Southampton hotel, where we joined up with the others in the hotel lobby lounge for the first of many drinks. (oh I forgot about the Fireball whiskey shots we had at the Airbnbs before walking over, hah!). It was an interesting walk in the dark, a little over a mile and boy, walking up the hill to the hotel really pooped me out and made me sweat (in the crazy humidity) profusely. God, the sweating on the trip!! In many ways, I am glad to be back to the dry, Colorado weather.

So the drinking thing is another interesting part of the trip. I'm going to take a brief break from the trip synopsis to talk about alcohol. So if you're reading my blog for the first time, I should fill you in on something. I suffer from depression, and this blog chronicles my life with depression, my life with kids, my life with travel and running and triathlons and everything. But depression is the biggest theme you'll find. I write as therapy to me, I write to share a personal experience with mental illness, and I write to raise awareness to the struggles and stigma of mental illness, in particular, depression, since that's what I suffer from. If you want to read about how my disease first manifested, you can find that here. Anyway, back to alcohol. In the last, I don't know, year maybe, I've really cut down on my consumption of alcohol. It really started when Nasser and I noticed a pattern with some of my depressive breakdowns. Too much alcohol for me = I am easily triggered.

But, this week in Bermuda went really well with that. I didn't have kids to worry about, and I totally trusted them being with my parents, and we were at least accessible by text and email easily enough, and it was so fun. I remembered that I can be quite extroverted, when I'm feeling happy and stress-free, and the trip really rejuvenated me. I limited my alcohol so that I wouldn't be hungover or sick or anything like that and also to limit the possibility of getting triggered. There were a couple times in the late night partying where I felt "off", but it was mostly physical. Like the night after the welcome dinner, we stayed up late, with drinking and games in one of the suites, and I just felt a bit drunk nauseous, plus my cold was really acting up, which I discovered, seemed to be a little bit triggered by the hotel, possibly the crazy air conditioning. It seemed better at our rental and outside. Oh that stupid cold was a pain in the butt nose through the entire trip.

My depression stayed away for almost the entire trip. It only crept in a little bit late Sunday night, with just Nasser at our Airbnb. I think I was starting to feel the effects of going, going, going (or raging as we fondly referred to it), and feeling sad that the trip was ending, and I was feeling stressed about coming home, and I hadn't blogged in so long (but it was also really nice to just experience and not reflect for many days). I was so tired, and we were trying to get up early and get a sliver of beach time in Monday morning before our flights home (that didn't happen between getting to bed so late, and feeling super tired in the morning and sleeping in slightly more, and packing, and we didn't know what we would do about showers if we went to the beach before many hours of travel home). I'm trying not to regret missing out on certain things; I just want to go back that much more though.

The wedding activities were amazing and there were lots of them.

they took care of us so well, and in addition to all this, there was lots of social time/ bar time/ incredible hotel suite time in the after parties of everything. there was a fair amount of different groups of friends and family social time and everyone seemed to get along so well. they ended up with about 80 guests at the wedding and recovery cruise events, with most people visiting from "out of the country". talk about incredible.

The fabulous bride and groom have spent a lot of time traveling for work and going to interesting places in the years since they've finished college. Sometimes when I feel sad about my life, I regret not having more time between college and having kids. However, there is so much travel with kids I'm excited to do in the next several years. And I often get excited about how young I'll be when the kids start college, and when they move out for real on their own, and perhaps how young I'll be when they have children of their own one day. Anyway, I feel so grateful to have been included in this wedding and sharing the celebration over so many days with such wonderful people.

the ferry that took us to Hamilton for the welcome dinner. the groom is in the knee high socks on the right.

clearly, I am obsessed with selfies

 there were these cool, little one-person sailboats that we passed on our way into Hamilton.

drinks/appetizers before the welcome dinner. again, "groupies" 

the happy bride and groom, listening to the friends' speeches. 

I missed any video or photos of Nasser's speech because I was too busy listening and trying not to cry. 

I met the groom in high school, before I met Nasser. he and Nasser have been friends since 2nd grade.

 the party bus back to the hotel, for more drinks

dark, but I kinda love this picture. we had such a great great time.

 checking out the "hurricane bulletin board" at the hotel. 

at this point the storm was supposed to come in Saturday morning, but it was only a 

"tropical depression" at this point, 
Thursday night after the welcome dinner. later on, it got upgraded to "tropical storm"

I went for a run Friday morning, before the storm came in much. 

some wind, and a little rain towards the end of the run. 

also, these lizards were super cool to see, on that path to the hotel.

 I did around 1.8mi, a little past the hotel than up the hill and inside, 
joined a friend in the exercise room for about a mile on the treadmill, 
then we ran together back to the Airbnb another 1.2mi-ish (so about 4mi total, maybe a little less) 
and he went back on his own to the hotel. quite a group of separate runs with 
some walking through the hotel in between and loading up on water in the fitness room, 
but I'm so glad I got that run in. also, I love getting to run with friends. 
man, I regret not getting a running selfie with our friend. darn. 

(see this is why I take so many photos to document the trip. they make me so happy to look back on and remember it, and be able to share with others. by the way, sorry this post is so freaking long. jeez I have a lot to say, you guys. :) )

the storm was rolling in most of Friday, with rain throughout the day. we played card games at the hotel, many of us friends hanging out in the bride and groom's suite most of the day, watching the storm from the safety of the hotel a few floors up.

Friday night, with the impending storm, the Airbnb folks headed back to our rental homes and we got together in our room to watch "The Perfect Storm".  I had never seen it before, and maybe it was the excitement of our own upcoming storm, but I really enjoyed it. Except there were sad parts. Still enjoyed the movie and now I'm really interested in reading the book. Along with all the other books I still have not read.

The next morning, we woke up at various points through the storm, listening to the rain and wind. I never actually woke up until about 7am, after the storm was heading away from Bermuda. Around 10am, we lost power, and Nasser and I ended up outside, chatting with our host lady for a bit. The power came back on after about an hour; it affected about 800 homes, just a portion of the island, and apparently, the people at the hotel heard the backup generators turn on. All in all though, we came through just fine.

We headed to the hotel around noon, as the guys were due to hang out with the groom all afternoon, playing all the various games people brought and drinking lightly. (we brought 2 very fun games that were hits at various points during the weekend, and they fit in my bigger purse which I often brought to the hotel so we could play in the fancy suites or in the hotel lobby lounge.

The spouses/girlfriends of this core group got together for lunch Saturday afternoon, and then we went our separate ways to get ready for the wedding. We were splitting a room with our friends from the Airbnb, just for Saturday night, the night of the wedding. It was a nice 2 double beds room, with a bit fancier of a shower than the Airbnb (you would hope for how expensive that hotel was- yikes!).

me, ready for the wedding. prior to getting my hair blown about in the wind, eventually putting it up, and prior to all the sweating in the heat and humidity, especially dancing at the reception.

the train/trolley to the Reefs hotel for the wedding 

a sub-portion of the ladies, the spouses/girlfriends 

 lots of wonderful friends

 gorgeous views on the walk down to the wedding site

 the wedding site, on this deck on top of an outcrop of rocks. incredible location and gorgeous spot to get married!!

 the 2 awesome dudes, the husband of the sister of the groom, 

and the boyfriend of the sister of the bride, held up the chuppah for the ceremony.

the groom with his parents, and his sister, one of the two bridesmaids. 

the only "traditional" wedding party were the 2 awesome dudes, who were ushers, and the sister of the groom and sister of the bride, who were bridesmaids. and then there were just lots of friends. 

I missed getting a shot of the sister of the bride, simply because there were too many heads in the way after missing the perfect shot on the stairs.

the bride, and then the bride with her parents. so so pretty!

 they incorporated many Jewish traditions into the wedding ceremony. also our friend in front of us (blue kippah in the bottom left corner there) was taking video of the ceremony on that GoPro. I am so excited to see his finished product you guys. this friend has some mad skills with photography and video editing, and works in the animated movie industry. Nasser has some cool friends, no that's WE have some cool friends.

the bride and groom were so clearly elated. so so awesome to witness.

hah, these matchy matchy cutie-patooties in the full Bermuda outfit

The next 3 shots are "the guys" as part of the groom's crew. The groom convinced most of them to wear the traditional Bermuda shorts, with knee-high socks, and boat shoes.

And then the next 5 shots are the ladies, the spouses/girlfriends of those guys. We all ended up in variations of blue dresses, which we totally did not plan.

posing for the professional photographer, the groom's "crew", with the bride and groom

the after party in the amazing fancy suite

it had a bar

Nasser enjoyed bartending for a bit

the suite had a kitchen, where we made frozen pizzas after the wedding. I helped the sister of the bride for a little while, because apparently she and I both like to host, and I like to help at parties when I can. haha. it's something I truly enjoy though. I'm useful and good in the kitchen. :)

We had beautiful weather for the entire recovery cruise. You could NOT have asked for better weather. Sunny at various points, but it was behind the clouds for awhile while everyone was swimming where we anchored in the water. Oh and that water was the perfect temperature to me. I dove in and was one of the first people in, because... swimming. Yeah... one of my favorite past times. I hope some people took photos while we were in the water, I think they did, but I failed at that one. (not that I don't have enough photos, right? are you still with me, anyone? Buehler?... Buehler?...) I was in the water pretty much the entire time we were anchored.

mimosas were had because... raging. continued. on and on. you guys. 

leaving the little harbor

we swam somewhere out in the beautiful water. like I said, less direct sunlight while we were in the water. also, the boat had a bunch of pool noodles for everyone to use in the water and float. so so so fun. we were probably in the water for at least an hour, chatting with people, swimming around. I of course did a couple laps around the boat. hah.

After the recovery cruise, we walked back the Airbnb to again shower. Many of our friends met us for dinner near the Airbnb- many of them did the walk from the hotel which was so nice! We were a little uncertain about dinner, since many places were closed- Bermuda kinda shuts down early on Sundays. But this little place, Island Cousine, was open. Nasser and I shared a chicken curry roti (like an Indian burrito- amazing!!), with a side salad, some onion rings which we shared with the table, some garlic bread, and grilled plantains. So so delicious, and slightly less expensive than a lunch time meal for two at the Burger Bar inside the Fairmont Southhampton hotel. Omygosh, we ate at the Burger Bar around 5 times throughout the course of the trip, ordering various things. We so did not diet on this trip. But perhaps we will get back to that now that we're home.

We went back to the hotel one more time Sunday night after dinner (we had to catch a taxi since it was raining after we got out of dinner, luckily the group who had walked from the hotel was able to catch a taxi pretty quickly too), so that we could "rage" one last time, with some friends and the groom. The bride needed sleep by this point. We played more games, and then headed back to our hotel in the wee hours one last time.

Monday morning, like I said before, we were in a mad rush to get over to the hotel, attempt the beach maybe to walk in the sand, but the weather wasn't cooperating with that, and we ended up spending quality time with the bride and groom, and their families, and eventually a couple other friends, at the Burger Bar, the hotel lounge, and finally, we hitched a ride on the hotel shuttle to the airport, at a lower cost than a taxi. It turned out we were on the same plane to Atlanta from Bermuda as the mother, sister, and brother-in-law of the groom. And we even ran into the sister of the bride and her boyfriend in the little tiny airport.

I enjoyed my last views from the plane, sad to say goodbye, but ready for a nap, and to head back home and to reality. 

I suppose I've been spending most of the day reliving the trip by writing my blog, so it hasn't been much reality, and it turned out incredibly long. It's time for some sleep now. It is almost 12:30am mountain time.