Saturday, 09/03/16, 4:55pm
It has been a tough. day.
And we've done a lot of good things- I did a run with my sister, the boys got some Minecraft time in with cousins, I took RG to his horseplay class, I played Lincoln Logs with TK, TK and I watched some of RG's horseplay class when we went to pick him up, we stopped at the grocery store for Nasser to pick up some snacks and prepped kabobs for dinner (while the kids and I had a dance party in the car), and here I am blogging.
But I had a meltdown after Nasser let me sleep in this morning. There was no good reason for it, other than I'm switching medications right now. I came downstairs dressed for my run, and TK and I had a disagreement about whether or not the way he was scratching Buddy was gentle enough. TK got really annoyed with me, maybe I was overreacting, and he started pushing me, telling me to get out of the room. I lost it. Suddenly I was just angry and upset and then deeply, deeply depressed. From sobbing at the kitchen table, texting my sister to back out of my run, then sitting outside on the driveway, trying some different coping mechanisms Nasser and I got me to a better state. I drew some new snowflakes on my hand, talked with Nasser, and deep breathed. He texted with Audra to come up with a new run plan and the prospect of the run saved me. For a little while at least.
After the run and wasting time not jumping in the shower, we suddenly remembered RG's horseplay class was starting today. Off we were in a mad rush to get RG dressed and fed, me showered, water bottle and snack grabbed. I inputted the directions into Google Maps, we jumped in the car and were off, to this ranch that had warned us that Google gives the directions wrong, please follow our directions in the email. I suppose we were doomed to have a bad car ride when we made that mistake. We hadn't even left with enough time to get there if we knew where we were going. But it didn't help that I was back to my crappy mood from the mad rush, and I felt the need to lecture my kiddo about how he's got a bad attitude. This had been prompted by his complaints of "I don't wanna go!" when we realized that we needed to be in a mad rush. The stupid stupid mad rush.
Sigh.
I called Nasser, incredibly upset and crying about the argument, before we even realized that we had ignored the email and we were doomed. When Google told me to turn right, into a fence, and then suddenly the dirt road I was on ended, we finally decided I couldn't get there the way we came. I don't know how many times I said to Nasser, "forget it, forget it, we'll just skip this class. I'm coming home." I was not in a good state, but he talked me through getting there, some backtracking, many turns, two sets of railroad tracks, and another dirt road later. We were a good half hour late, to this 2.5 hour horseplay session. This class only meets for 3 sessions, and we lost a big chunk of the first one. Oh the parenting fail hurts. Even now, hours after the class ended.
I came home and we focused on getting me (and Nasser with his stomach ache) better.
In the end, we all went to pick up RG. Nasser had offered, but I didn't think he could find it and know where to go once he got there on his own. Because even when I got there with Nasser's help, I went to, and parked at, the wrong area of the ranch first. I didn't want to pick him up by myself because of how today had gone so far. And TK wanted to see the horses anyway.
And now, I'm... ok. It's kinda how things have been in general lately. Sometimes really really really hard. But overall, I think I'll make it to that point when the new meds kick in. It still might be a few weeks. Maybe as early as 1 week, and as long as 3 to 5ish. Sure it's not that long, but some days when I feel like I'm living minute by minute, hour by hour, it seems like an eternity.
Man though it is hard to try and change your thinking from,
"omygod, I have to get through the next 3-5 weeks like this??? wtf???"
to
"let's just get through the day."
But I keep trying to.
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