Well. I had another crash this past weekend, this time 2 days instead of 1. Raises a little concern in me that it lasted longer than the previous one, yet reassuring that it wasn't longer than 2 days and that I feel pretty well back to normal this morning. Ugh though, this stupid stupid illness, depression, bipolar, or otherwise; it stinks with whatever you label it. And I can do a little bit of blaming this past crash on my f'ing period, cuz you know, of course that started this weekend. Sorry, yet not sorry, for sharing this with you all (whatever, I share a ton of personal stuff as it is, right????). And the horrid cramps yesterday!!! That surely didn't help.
All the emotions were tough though this weekend, despite the lightness I may give it. Yesterday was worse than Saturday, and there was more arguing with Nasser than I would have liked, despite everything he was doing and trying to do all weekend to support me.
And there were times when it wasn't quite as bad. Several times I thought we could make it to my brother-in-law's band concert on Saturday evening and my ex-choir's (the one I'm hoping to rejoin once ECT is over and I get back to some semi-normal memory state) concert on Sunday afternoon. But then the stupid emotional crap still came along and interfered. But then there were times I thought I was on the mend. I started reading a good book and have gotten super into it (one I read and loved a while back, yet of course, don't remember), I managed to do some messaging with friends, Nasser sent me out for a decent walk yesterday despite me really pushing back on it, after kids went to sleep Saturday evening Nasser and I enjoyed listening to a "2000s hits" playlist reminding us of our college days. It is important to take comfort in the ups, and then the long stretches of good that do come along at the end of the crashes. I need to get into a better successful habit of reminding myself that "this will pass" when I'm in the middle of those crashes. It's so ridiculously f'ing hard since my brain is quite literally telling me the opposite. I hate my brain sometimes.
But. I AM going to continue this crazy fight. I AM going to continuously try my damnedest to rise above it all and survive it. I AM going to continue to fight the mental illness stigma, fight for my fellow fighters, fight to prove that these illnesses ARE real and deserve everyone's support. Perhaps I'm not doing a ton with that fight, but this is the main reason I keep this blog; I hope that sharing, sharing it ALL, can little by little break down that stigma, can perhaps show that you can fight it even when there's plenty of days that are hard, that feel like you're gonna lose, that feel like it's impossible.
Here's my fighter face this morning:
It may not look super confident, but it is a face willing to continue this fight.
It feels like it's been FOREVER since I wrote, and yet it's only been like a week and a half. And then of course, previous to that time was a full month. So clearly my perspective is totally off. Which, I think I can be forgiven considering this treatment I'm still undergoing, and the memory loss that's still going on.
I should mention, after last week's post, I did end up with a bit of a "crash" later last week. It was Wednesday night (like literally right before going to bed) through Thursday night. I was expecting to crash, and yet it still came as a bit of a shock. It still made me have no clue how to deal with it and left me as helpless as ever. In the morning on Thursday, I think it was after the kids had already left for school, Nasser ended up working from home the entire morning to support me. He sat down with me after I fought with him about how I was incapable of "deep breathing". And how he "didn't understand it because (he) wasn't dealing with depression." He ended up talking me through literally each deep breath in and each deep breath out, for a bunch of breaths. And then even just those several breaths brought me back from that totally helpless, totally freaking out edge. I was really surprised to feel that. In the end, I practiced deep breathing for a good 30-40 minutes, on my own, eventually adding some happy, calming music, yet still focusing on the breath. It made such a difference. I happened to have a doctor appointment scheduled with the ECT doctor, that unfortunately was inconsistent between their schedule and ours. When the assistant called me about 15 minutes after I should have shown up, based on their schedule, we ended up just speaking over the phone, with Nasser, me, and the doctor. We discussed the crash, and how completely normal that was, and about how well I was recovering. We discussed my mood stabilizer medication and about how the latest dosage only had brought my levels to just barely therapeutic. The next dosage level is still safe and so we all decided to go up to the next level. I'm there, as of this past Monday, and plan to get my levels checked for it next week, more because I'm curious, since we have a pretty good idea that they won't go down.
The rest of last Thursday went through a few ups and downs. I did quite well, at least for the initial beginning of the kids being home in the afternoon. At some point, RG was super angry and decided to "run away". At this point, a full week later, I can't really even remember what all caused this. Anyway, he pretty quickly afterward rang the doorbell, saying he thinks he "fractured his ankle, from dropping down out of the tree he climbed. I was great in being totally empathetic, getting him ice for his ankle and taking care of him, not mentioning the whole "running away" thing. Eventually after icing, when we discovered he could walk just fine and decided his ankle wasn't actually fractured, he changed in warmer clothes and went back outside to sit in the tree on his own. After all that though, I still came back down, emotionally, and was unable to take the boys to pick up Nasser's mom from the airport, which we had planned. Of course, Nasser's mom is one of the people I should feel least uncomfortable around when I'm depressed since she understands mental illness so much. And really, hugging her after Nasser and the kids arrived home with her, was incredible heart warming.
And then, after all that, I was totally fine again when I woke up Friday morning. It was a little weird to recover that well so quickly.
I had treatment on Monday this week, and this was after having skipped ALL of last week (a big deal for me), and I discussed the crash with everyone there and got a lot of confirmation for how normal this is, how I should expect the ups and downs, etc. My nurse also reminded me of how awesome it is my commitment to the treatment, to medication changes, how my "not giving up" really speaks to my resolve to "get better". It really spoke to my heart. I did have a bit of a down trend the later part of Monday and some of Tuesday this week, but I think that was a fair amount related to the treatment. I actually got myself to go for a short walk on Tuesday, unlike most day after treatment days, when I'm so tired and out of it still that I typically allow myself to lay around the house all day. I'm also getting into more of a schedule for exercise, running especially, since I still have that half marathon coming up in only, well, 3 months. Considering my current shape though, it's just barely, maybe, enough time to be ready for it.
Oh, and at treatment on Monday, we decided to push the next treatment, to, well, 16 days. The longest yet. Big, big deal in my mind.
And, I ended up talking a bit about my crash with my therapist this week. She reminded me of an analogy she used some time ago, that I've since forgotten, you know with my unreliable memory. She sometimes related the downs, the crashes, to getting your period. It's not really a surprise for it to show up, it's not pleasant certainly, but I do have the "supplies" to deal with it. And even things as bad as suicidal thoughts can be related to really awful cramps, I may respond with "aw crap!", but I do know that I'll get through this. Now certainly it's not a perfect analogy, but it did do a lot in my brain to, maybe, up my confidence in my ability to deal with the downs.
So anyway, despite a few downs, I'm still on this "better" trend, which I also still can't quite believe a lot of the time. But working on learning my new "normal".
Including this picture from this morning... me and Nasser enjoying some special Blue Bottle coffee that we've been receiving on delivery for awhile, a gift from my sister-in-law. I laugh out loud at TK in the background, possibly literally in the air on his bouncy ball, that he yesterday discovered hiding in the basement.
Wow. Today wasn't supposed to be like this. I've had many different ideas of what today was going to look like over the past few weeks since it's a day off from school for the boys, but depression was never supposed to be part of today. Or yesterday for that matter.
We had a wonderful weekend with our friend from high school visiting. She is a long-time friend, since the beginning of high school for me, end of high school for Nasser, and it just so happens that several years later, Nasser and I met at one of her Christmas parties. So you could say she brought us together. :)
Anyway, she flew in Friday evening and out Sunday in the middle of the day. It was a whirlwind visit, but we tried not to plan too much. Some things, like RG's horseplay class horse show,
and the neighborhood picnic were unavoidable, but we didn't make any huge plans for hikes or trips up to the mountains. Those would have been wonderful, but I think we all needed a more relaxing visit close to home.
Lots of catching up, my friend (a gymnast) helped TK into several little cartwheels and flips and hanging upside down. We have known for awhile that we NEED to get this kiddo into gymnastics but having some of her influence this weekend, made us realize it more. The videos below show some of the reasons I think he'd be great at it, and LOVE it. He's obsessed with using his upper body strength at playgrounds. :)
So, at this point, you're probably like, hey girl, you're avoiding talking about the depression. Maybe. But then writing about the good stuff is really therapeutic to me as well. I'm getting there. Be patient.
Yesterday soon after we woke up, though, we found out my sister's father-in-law passed away on Saturday. Getting hit with another close death, one who was close to my own parents' ages, and feeling so much for my sister and my brother-in-law and his family, and my nephews, I was feeling a lot of sadness yesterday, which sometimes triggered other depression-related things.
I drove my friend to the airport yesterday morning, and I cried almost the whole way home. I cried for my sister's father-in-law, I cried for Adam, I cried for my aunt who died earlier this year. I cried about death. What a crappy year.
I feel so mortal this year.
A little after I got back from the airport, my mother-in-law and her husband arrived, Indian takeout in hand. It was a nice day spent with them, I took some hammock alone time after lunch. But I couldn't feel happy.
And I tried...
For once I didn't really hide my sadness entirely from the others. First I told Nasser I wasn't doing well, but openly fought tears or let into tears several times throughout the day. But yesterday, it was more sadness, more grief.
Today, I panicked before my shower. I started panicking about everything we had to do between now and leaving for our Bermuda trip tomorrow evening. And then once the tears started, I just couldn't really fight them. I held it together when I went into my psychiatrist's office, but only in the waiting area. I couldn't hold it together when I told Nasser I needed him at my appointment with me, I couldn't hold it together when I sat there telling my doctor how things have been going, and I couldn't hold it together when I drove to, or from, my appointment, and I couldn't hold it together when I told my step father-in-law that I didn't think I could come with on this mountain excursion planned for today, and I couldn't hold it together when RG asked me why I couldn't come today and he then utterly refused to go as well, and I couldn't hold it together when I asked for help from a few of my local mom friends for a different appointment tomorrow (thank goodness that was all on facebook chat and NOT in person), and I can't hold it together every time my thoughts stray towards "I am a failure".
It is ok though for me to have a bad day. Or couple of days. I have to allow that with grief, and apparently I have to allow that with stress and periods as well. Because yeah, the period is happening now. Right smack in the middle of everything else, and in time for these flights to Bermuda (I hate having my period on a plane and with an effing red-eye flight thrown in there) and I really didn't want my period on any beach/snorkeling/swimming days. WTF. Hopefully it at least finishes before the end of the trip. And the plane rides are really going to be the absolute worst of it.
And now I'm going to fight that urge to apologize for "TMI" because I'm not gonna. Because as we recall, I want to make it normal to talk about menstruation.
Today, I have just a few things I'm going to do. Blogging was high on the priority list, but there's also all the laundry and the list-making and the packing. I can do it, right? Even if I have to lay on my bed and cry every half hour, I can still accomplish a lot.
RG is home with me, which wasn't supposed to happen in one of those plans for today. He would get a reading and video game day if I do nothing else. But the two of us had a long talk yesterday in the hammock about his cousins' grandpa, illness, cancer and chemotherapy. I taught him a little about the immune system and told him about vaccines and some of the diseases they protect him against, we talked about illness in previous centuries and plagues and death. Perhaps it was all very morbid, but he learned a ton and he loved getting personal mommy time to talk. When TK kicked us out of the hammock so he and grandma could have some time, RG asked me to continue the conversation more. But something happened when we came inside. I started ruminating again and I had to postpone the Mommy-RG time until today (hopefully).
It makes me nervous, all these ideas and expectations that so easily form in my head as I write about my plans for today. I gotta remember to take it easy and slow and controlled today. I am cutting myself slack today by not going up into the mountains, and I'm making it easier to finish some of the tasks that need to happen before our trip. But I'm going to breathe and say, I got this. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's good to take care of myself. And I'm going to breathe and say, it's ok.
I am doing better today. Yesterday, although it went mostly well, was still more of a recovery day. Sometimes my episodes can require a full day to really recover.
I've kinda mentioned it before, but my treatment needs some work. I am going to therapy much more often than I had been. I'd really been pushing the time between appointments, some based on travel, some based on expense because our health insurance changed significantly this past year, some based on "I felt that I should be". I do this with therapy appointments and psychiatric appointments and it's not entirely a conscious choice that I make. It almost happens automatically. But now I'm consciously trying to stop that and making the therapy appointments at least weekly.
I've mentioned before, but I've started tracking my mood. Yesterday after discussing some ideas with my therapist and my sister, I created a Google Form for myself. It's a quick series of questions to gauge my mood as well as gather data on the circumstances (menstrual cycle, medications, exercise, etc). I can input a response on the form as often as I'd like, but this time, I'm not going to look at the data until I have a good amount of it. Looking at the tracker app on my phone has made me feel even more down, just seeing what feels like often low points.
I'm such a nerd. But I'm totally in love with this idea of tracking, gathering hard data with my illness to help improve my treatment.
Nasser has been researching the various medications out there for treating depression and anxiety, ongoing clinical trials, understanding more about "treatment resistant depression" and wondering if I have that. Because I've truly been wondering, am I really that different when I'm not on medication? Now, you may point out, I had a bit of a depression rut earlier this summer when I missed a third of one of my medications for about a week or so. But there were other things going on which may or may not have played a part as well.
I think that I probably need to be on medication, but I'm definitely wondering whether or not I'm on the right ones.
Let's talk about periods for a second. Skip the last paragraph if you can't handle it, although if you can't handle it, I'd invite you to push yourself out of that comfort zone and try to normalize menstrual cycles a little more. If you haven't read my rant on that, see here.
So the latest on my quest for hormone balance through my menstrual cycle is I'm on a high estrogen, some progesterone birth control pill (the second pill I'm trying), and so far, my body doesn't seem to want to follow the regulated cycle. What does that mean? I don't get my period when I'm supposed to on this pill. It's supposed to be during the placebo week, the last week of the pack. Mine comes a good week early, and it's lasting longer than my period used to without a pill. Sigh. I've decided to stay on this pill for a full 3 months to see if my body will take to it, but if it doesn't, I'm thinking of giving up this quest of finding the right birth control pill. Unless I find the right doctor to support me there. Seems like it might be difficult to find an ob/gyn who would be willing to work closely with me and my psychiatrist to figure out the right hormones for me.
I'm blogging again this morning, because apparently that's what I do when I feel this way.
I'm in a depressive rut again I think. I've been kinda almost there for the past several days, since returning from San Diego. Part of it is probably my period. My period which won't follow the birth control medication I'm on which is meant to help my mood. Maybe I should just get everything down there removed and take supplemental hormone in the right amount for me. Or maybe I should remove myself from all medications I'm currently on and find my actual baseline. Is it actually worse when I'm not on medication? I don't know.
I'm feeling frustrated with my treatment, I'm feeling frustrated with my illness.
I know that part of my mood has been that Nasser and I seem to keep having arguments/serious discussions. Discussions that have needed to happen, but have had a big impact on my mood. We both have some things we need to work on when talking to eachother. I, for one, do way way way too much of fighting unfair. I name call, I raise my voice, I bring up things from the past. Understandably, Nasser doesn't react well when I do that. He often gets defensive when we talk, which further escalates the situation.
I've been suggesting we go to some more marriage counseling. We have done this in the past and we did learn how to talk to eachother nicely and respectfully, but we don't always do that in real life. Nasser thinks we don't need more marriage counseling; we simply need to practice what we already know. As long as that works, I think we're ok.
The other thing about my depression is I tend to blow things out of proportion or take things way more seriously than they probably are. One fight (even if most of it is serious discussion where we are talking nicely to eachother) can make me feel like it's the end of our marriage. And I don't want that, I'm not choosing that.
I love Nasser. Despite our fights, despite things that we don't agree on, I love him. He is my partner. He is still the person I rely on the most. Although I'm starting to realize that I need to be more careful in how I treat him when I'm not doing well. I've hurt him a lot when I've been angry or depressed, and that in turn, hurts me.
We are starting to realize that Nasser needs a stronger support network himself. He can't keep handling my depression entirely on his own. And I suppose he doesn't, I do rely on friends and family, sometimes. And I have my therapy, and my psychiatrist, and my medication, and my various coping mechanisms.
The other big thing that's probably impacting my mood is I haven't really exercised much in awhile. This summer hasn't been great for that. Part of it was Adam's death, and dealing with grief, and dealing with worsened depression and lack of motivation due to that. Part of it has been the copious amounts of travel we've been doing. And part of it has been having both kids at home, I haven't really figured out how to fit it in.
I know that's not helping me though, and I got close to going for a run this morning, but I backed out. Again. Today, I'm going to try not to fixate on that and shame myself for not going. Because when I shame myself, I get more depressed, and that motivation gets worse and worse. Stupid depression.
Today I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where my depression will take me, and I don't know if I can manage to ignore it and get together with family during the day today. Maybe I don't have to ignore it to be around people but I also don't want to sob at the park. I think the writing has helped though; maybe I just need to keep doing the right things for myself this morning and try desperately to make this a better day. Dear readers out there, wish for me strength and motivation. And virtual hugs.
Well. We think we may have it figured out. I've been mildly, and at various points more seriously, depressed since I think last Tuesday ish. It's grief too so it's been confusing. But there's been plenty of it not related to Adam at all, all more of the usual ruminating thoughts for me. And some more triggering ones.
The weekend felt like a failure to me. It's strange to write that because Saturday I told a friend that it was the best day I'd had in awhile, probably since Adam died. And it's true. Thinking about that now, I can't believe, rationally, I could say that the weekend was a failure.
And yet.
Sunday was a strongly depressed day. I can't believe how much that changes my perspective of the entire weekend. But it was. Various points were more seriously depressed. I was all set to go for a 17/18 mile bike ride followed by a 5k run, and I just completely fell apart. Well I suppose that was after I fell apart the first time, earlier in the morning. I decided I couldn't bike because I didn't feel safe riding near cars. That was a low point of the depression yesterday.
So hang on. Let's not go into every depressed moment of yesterday, it's not worth reliving them all to try to learn from them and realize how horribly sad, pathetic, depressed I was.
There were a lot of good parts too. We finished building the fort part of RG's bed. Ummm, yeah. Ridiculously big birthday present from 2? 3? years ago. I'll share a picture another day when that room is cleaner. We also watched a movie as a family. Which was nice.
But I had started off the post with "we may have it figured out". Having a multiple day depression, however mild at various points, is a little irregular for me. Perhaps it's the grief, but. It could be the new low hormone birth control pill I started. It just happened to coincide with the day that Adam died.
Today is the day, I think, based on my pills, I start my period. It's been typical for me to have depression in the days building up to my period. But this month seems worse. A lot worse.
So grief or pills? Maybe both. Maybe I can't decide for another month. Or maybe it's not worth trying out for another month because this amount of depression isn't worth risking. Yeah such is my life. Weighing all these different things that are affecting my mood and my depression. Too many factors every time and too hard to measure correlation vs causation when it's an experiment with my life.
Yeah that's depression for you. Mental illness for you. All you readers, is that scary? Terrifying? That every mental illness patient is continuously taking data in their life, trying to measure the causes of those bad moments, and cut out those things that don't make us feel good. We never quite know if something will work but you keep trying over and over again. I guess.
I filled out this registration form for a local grief group. I was thinking it might be worth trying and maybe if I think it's helpful, talk Nasser into it. They do an intake call to ask some questions about what's going on, etc. The lady called me this morning and it was a difficult and somewhat emotional conversation. I think I got into more detail that necessary about my own depression struggles with it, but whatever. This grief group is specific to "sudden loss" which applies strongly in our case.
What I want to find, and I've been searching with no such luck so far, is a grief group around deaths related to mental illness. Suicides would often fall under this category, but drug overdoses could as well. Deaths related to eating disorders, deaths of those whose mental illnesses overcame them in some way. Maybe it's not necessary, but that specificity feels like something I could really use right now. Maybe I'll start one, maybe an online community based one. Someday. When I feel ready for a new project.
It's pouring this afternoon. We actually made it to the pool after lunch and before the rain hit. It was nice. The kids really needed it even if it was harder for me.
I was going to say that it was nice to have the weather reflect my mood but it's already stopped raining.
I'm managing today, not amazingly well, but managing. We will figure out the medication thing and I'll find a more stable situation there. Someday. It just takes time, right? Ugh.
