that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

Thursday, 10/19/17, 4:46pm, 9:22pm

This post is going to be written at various different points. Right now, RG is supposedly working on homework on the loft... dunno if that's actually happening at all... TK is doing a "brainy" type game on my phone because he already accomplished the couple things he was supposed to do after school including going over "rainbow words"- words he needs to learn to recognize and then spell (good 'ole 1st grade stuff, right?). Poor RG certainly has harder homework, being in 4th grade and all, but then you throw ADHD on top of all that, it's hard. He is on medication again, not sure if I've gone into that on my blog, but I also don't care to give you every detail of his medical care since he is a minor and all, so whatever. Anyway, his new med is helping but then it doesn't last all day, so when he comes home from school is kinda the medication wearing off period. So yeah. Homework isn't the easiest thing.

So that's what the kids are doing, and we're currently waiting for my parents to come by. Nasser is on a business trip in San Diego, has been since yesterday morning, but then he comes back late tonight, so YAY! It's good that it's a short trip for the first one in over a year (have I mentioned he hasn't done a work trip since last August... mostly because of me? yeah...). Mainly just because it's good to kinda get used to the business trip thing slowly at first again. And you know, I'm still going through treatment and all... just had one this past Monday.

I should address the depression that I had end of last week... I think I kinda freaked out about it because it was the exact 3 and 4 days before my next treatment, and it was sorta what the doctor had warned to watch for. But then Saturday and Sunday were totally decent days, so it's not the same as what he was talking about. Likely it was just some depression that hit, randomly, and kinda hard, maybe worse so because it had been awhile and worse still because I freaked myself out over what this depression "meant" and what was going to happen with my treatment because of it.

So really... it's ok.

Also, just something small I need to correct, because yeah, perfectionism coming through here. A couple posts ago I told you how many posts I had, but the number I gave was my total published plus drafts. And that's not really fair. I should have only given the published number because that's the official one, which is currently 188. Not a huge huge difference, but enough for me to care about.

So... things have been going decently well this week, despite treatment, despite Nasser's business trip. I'm not trying to put my expectations too high while he's gone, I'm not really doing any cooking with him gone, because I don't want to trap myself into any triggers. I'm keeping it easy. Yesterday, we just hung out, after school, we ordered Domino's delivery for dinner, RG was doing a lot of homework after dinner, then I attempted to get the boys to bed early, which basically just ended up "on time". But it was good. I felt a confidence boost in handling everything myself, which I really needed. I had decided that trying to go somewhere in order to get together with other people would end up too stressful for me... it honestly took a long time and a lot of discussing (with various family members, and Nasser, and my therapist, and myself) to figure out what I was going to do. And then I figured today, being the second day of the trip, would be a good day to have my parents over.

I'm definitely hoping RG finishes his homework before dinner today. He worked on homework last night, after dinner, but then still had stuff to finish this morning. Ugh... stressful. It shouldn't be stressful for me, I'm not the one with the homework, and yet it still is. Sigh.

Oh. I have to share something RG made for me yesterday, when he wasn't doing homework (apologies for the continuous talk of homework). Anyway, he bought this multi-color pen at the school book fair yesterday, and started off drawing snowflakes on my arms (because he remembers my obsession of doing this on myself for tatoo ideas... I have vague memories of writing a post with pictures of these at some point but cannot seem to find them to link to so we're outta luck with that here). At some point, I was like "Ah, this is just too painful. I think your pen is not meant for skin; it's meant for paper." So he drew me this...

*heart melts*


Ok, so I'm going to tell you that right now it's much later... after 9pm... boys are in bed and I am too but wondering if I should finish up this blog post (!). So since I mentioned how RG is now on a new medication, I should also mention that silly, trying to remember everything me, this morning, completely forgot to give him his med. And he had a total meltdown at bedtime since his homework wasn't finished and it sounds like he probably had more homework to finish because he didn't have his medicine today. So that made me feel really crappy, and give him some extra time to work when it was truly past bedtime, and I reset the alarm clock in their bedroom to be a bit earlier so he can wake up earlier and hopefully finish in the morning. Honestly he works decently well in the mornings... new energy with the new day, etc, I guess.

I'm impressed that I didn't totally melt down when I realized I had forgotten RG's med this morning. I guess I was slightly triggered, but I kept my calm, I comforted RG during his meltdown, and I tried to find some solutions. And I still kept moving toward the goal of getting the boys to sleep... it was later than I would have liked, but it all worked out in the end.

Alright, it is barely past 9:30pm, but I'm .... going to sleep. Because I do that, especially since getting this CPAP to sleep with. I dunno, it's like maybe I am catching up on all the sleep I missed for so long. Well, until next time, dear readers.

just keep swimming swimming swimming

Saturday, 09/03/16, 4:55pm

It has been a tough. day.

And we've done a lot of good things- I did a run with my sister, the boys got some Minecraft time in with cousins, I took RG to his horseplay class, I played Lincoln Logs with TK, TK and I watched some of RG's horseplay class when we went to pick him up, we stopped at the grocery store for Nasser to pick up some snacks and prepped kabobs for dinner (while the kids and I had a dance party in the car), and here I am blogging.

But I had a meltdown after Nasser let me sleep in this morning. There was no good reason for it, other than I'm switching medications right now. I came downstairs dressed for my run, and TK and I had a disagreement about whether or not the way he was scratching Buddy was gentle enough. TK got really annoyed with me, maybe I was overreacting, and he started pushing me, telling me to get out of the room. I lost it. Suddenly I was just angry and upset and then deeply, deeply depressed. From sobbing at the kitchen table, texting my sister to back out of my run, then sitting outside on the driveway, trying some different coping mechanisms Nasser and I got me to a better state. I drew some new snowflakes on my hand, talked with Nasser, and deep breathed. He texted with Audra to come up with a new run plan and the prospect of the run saved me. For a little while at least.

After the run and wasting time not jumping in the shower, we suddenly remembered RG's horseplay class was starting today. Off we were in a mad rush to get RG dressed and fed, me showered, water bottle and snack grabbed. I inputted the directions into Google Maps, we jumped in the car and were off, to this ranch that had warned us that Google gives the directions wrong, please follow our directions in the email. I suppose we were doomed to have a bad car ride when we made that mistake. We hadn't even left with enough time to get there if we knew where we were going. But it didn't help that I was back to my crappy mood from the mad rush, and I felt the need to lecture my kiddo about how he's got a bad attitude. This had been prompted by his complaints of "I don't wanna go!" when we realized that we needed to be in a mad rush. The stupid stupid mad rush.

Sigh.

I called Nasser, incredibly upset and crying about the argument, before we even realized that we had ignored the email and we were doomed. When Google told me to turn right, into a fence, and then suddenly the dirt road I was on ended, we finally decided I couldn't get there the way we came. I don't know how many times I said to Nasser, "forget it, forget it, we'll just skip this class. I'm coming home." I was not in a good state, but he talked me through getting there, some backtracking, many turns, two sets of railroad tracks, and another dirt road later. We were a good half hour late, to this 2.5 hour horseplay session. This class only meets for 3 sessions, and we lost a big chunk of the first one. Oh the parenting fail hurts. Even now, hours after the class ended.

I came home and we focused on getting me (and Nasser with his stomach ache) better.

In the end, we all went to pick up RG. Nasser had offered, but I didn't think he could find it and know where to go once he got there on his own. Because even when I got there with Nasser's help, I went to, and parked at, the wrong area of the ranch first. I didn't want to pick him up by myself because of how today had gone so far. And TK wanted to see the horses anyway.

And now, I'm... ok. It's kinda how things have been in general lately. Sometimes really really really hard. But overall, I think I'll make it to that point when the new meds kick in. It still might be a few weeks. Maybe as early as 1 week, and as long as 3 to 5ish. Sure it's not that long, but some days when I feel like I'm living minute by minute, hour by hour, it seems like an eternity.

Man though it is hard to try and change your thinking from,
     "omygod, I have to get through the next 3-5 weeks like this??? wtf???"
                         to
                                          "let's just get through the day."

But I keep trying to.

I know I've felt like this before but now I'm feeling it even more

Saturday, 04/30/16, 4:18pm

I went for a run today, in the cold, overcast, light flurries, windy weather. The first two miles were really tough. I haven't run outside since last week's 9.39mi longest run ever run, although I did get 3mi in on a treadmill on Thursday. I don't know why exactly, but it felt like I had forgotten how to run. I was also running on the cul-de-sacs in the neighborhood for those first two miles so feeling better in the run may have coincided with the exit from the neighborhood. I ended up in some other neighborhoods across the street from ours and went further than I expected- 4.8mi. It was slow going but it felt good and my body and mind needed it.

Yesterday, we had another epic meltdown from TK on the way to the busstop to pick up RG. It was all so ridiculous, over the ending of tablet time, which is supposed to be a privilege not a right, but apparently I'm failing there. I felt horrible for a bit when I didn't see TK trip while I was waiting for the bus to get there; yeah I left him running behind because I was afraid we were going to be late again. And when I saw him sitting on the ground I thought he was just so mad at me. An older girl who had come off the bus asked him what happened and she told me about him tripping. Ooo, that hurt my ego. I didn't feel as bad for him when he was hitting me on the way back to the house. Sigh. Oh and he refused to come inside the house for a long time so I took a selfie of us.

But.

Despite this meltdown, I didn't have an episode this time. Of course the circumstances around my mental state were more favorable yesterday than they were last week. Last week we remember I had just gotten my stinkin period. (For those of you just joining us, I talk freely about periods here. Yeah that's right, take a deep breath and deal). But then really in both situations, I'd been doing the right things for my depression, especially getting exercise. Oh isn't it fun to experiment on myself to see what factors really affect my mental health? (Since you can't catch my tone in a blog, I'm being sarcastic). Looking forward to starting up that low hormone birth control to regulate those darn hormones.

I'm really going on a decent streak of good days. That's probably part of why I haven't been blogging much. I have to remind myself to blog more on the good days.

This weekend is a bit more relaxing, but starting next weekend we are super busy until after Memorial Day. My 10miler is next Sunday, Mother's Day, we have a friend's crawfish boil and the opera on Saturday. Then the following weekend I have choir concerts. Then my friend Jigna comes back for a quick visit and a concert to Red Rocks and we next head to DC for a long weekend and my friend Pete's wedding. And then. (Whew. Almost there). We have the end of the school year and Memorial Day weekend with my Bolder Boulder 10k run.

I guess this weekend is kinda the calm before the storm. But I also don't want to start dreading the upcoming excitement. I recently refilled my anti-anxiety medication and I expect I'll be using it a bit more often during the next month. I can take it as often as once a day, but it's only ever been that often for like a 3 day stretch. The last prescription of 30 pills lasted me 3 years. But I wanted to be prepared for this upcoming craziness with a refill. Doing so makes me feel proactive. But I still have to remind myself that that's what that is. I have to remind myself that I should not feel shame in filling an anti-anxiety med prescription. Stupid stigma.

I could go on and on about stigma but I'm going to stop here. Need to start making dinner soon. We're going to have an Asian night- homemade egg drop soup and a noodle, veggie, and tofu stirfry.

the storm is passing over

Wednesday, 04/20/16, 7:21pm

I should be at book club. I should be enjoying a night out with friends, talking about the book we all didn't actually read this time, drinking wine and eating pizza.

But I am not.

Tonight I was hit with a big wave of anxiety and depression. Just 2 hours before I was telling my sister that I seem to not be experiencing the big mood swing this month with my period (which I officially got today). I was happy, confident, and I was saying that all our runs this week had maybe prevented it.

But it was already stirring. Before we had RG's running club, and just before we really needed to leave to pick him up from the bus, TK had a big meltdown because, well, he didn't want to go potty. I told him he had to go since we weren't going to be near a bathroom for awhile. Then all hell broke loose. I was louder than I should have been, and he was more stubborn than he needed to be, and at one point he was running after me as I was trying to get to the bus stop in time, carrying his shoes and sobbing/screaming at me. Oh it was an epic meltdown.

But here's the thing. Sure, looking at the situation, if I had had more patience, I probably could have diffused the situation sooner. But I held it together much better than I expected.

It wasn't until later that I really fell apart.

TK had some consequences of the yelling/screaming/not listening to Mommy episode. He has video games taken away until Friday. Really, that's not that bad. But to this 4 and 3/4 year old, it is the end of the world. So everytime it comes back up, some of that yelling/screaming comes back. And RG started nagging about screens the second running club finished. And then we come home to TK being too affectionate with the cat again, as in squeezing until Buddy starts acting like he wants to bite him.

I couldn't parent this evening. I started getting angry. I yelled. I yelled things I shouldn't have. I'm pretty sure I yelled to RG at one point that he is never ever allowed to yell at Mommy or Daddy.

I locked myself in my room and broke down. I pleaded with RG to let me have a break as he lectured me on how he is allowed to yell in certain situations, like when Mommy hurts him "on the inside" (his version of emotionally). Oh ho, I sure had some harder sobbing when he told me that.

I hate getting angry with my kids. I hate that I yell at them when I do. I want to help them navigate their emotions better by leading by example. And I fail at that. A lot.

I guess tonight was mostly about feeling like a failure as a parent. Looking back, I'm glad I did put myself into a timeout by locking myself in my room for awhile, even though I desperately needed it to break down. And I did apologize to both kids for getting angry and yelling.

I guess I wasn't safe from the anger of the Period. Hah. Ugh. Nasser and I talked some about periods tonight. How they're so stigmatized. How the brand Thinx (period panties- they are AWESOME) has trouble advertising because they can't get on news stations' shows to discuss their new product because they don't want to say "periods" on air. (WTF?) How women in third world countries are so stigmatized they can't go to school during their period or they get banished to a shed. (Reference: Nasser) He mentioned an NPR article all about periods, which you can read here. And you should. Because I just did. And it is worth learning more about menstrual hygiene products, and FDA regulation of them, and hey, remember that woman who ran a marathon without wearing any? Did you think that was gross? Or interesting? Yeah, all of you need to read this article. Here's the link again, in case you don't want to scroll back up to find it.

I'm not going to let this post get taken over by talk about periods. But hey, guess what, that topic is FAAAIR game. And just as I don't let the stigma over depression and anxiety prevent me from talking about them, I won't let the stigma of periods prevent me from talking about them either.

Nasser made me a list based on some things we were discussing for topics to talk with providers. We're going to continuously update it together. Because a lot of times he and I talk about something that I want to also discuss with my therapist or my psychiatrist, but then when it comes time for the appointment, I forget. And if I have my appointment on a good day, I don't remember to talk about the lows as much. Tomorrow, with my psychiatrist, I plan to talk about the really low lows and frequency and how much should my meds really be doing etc etc etc. I'm doing much better now, after blogging, but man I am sick of those low lows. Maybe a different medicine combination would prevent those. Of course, they might make the lows worse, or they might get rid of the highs, or they might cause suicidal thoughts, or weight gain, or acne.

I'm back to much much better. And I was laughing when Nasser came in the room earlier. Maybe the running has helped me recover faster and better, even if it didn't prevent the episode in the first place.