Sometimes I'm not really in the mood to write, to blog. Right now is one of those times, but it feels like I'm resisting every single key stroke. I've been a jumble of thoughts today and the idea of trying to convey them or relive them, sounds horrifying right now. And yet I'm here, forcing myself to try it, because I know that it heals me.
I don't know that sharing comes easily to me. At least not all the time. It's always hard to admit something you feel ashamed of. And I do feel ashamed of my depression. I feel ashamed that it destroyed my
Today hasn't turned out right so far. It started off really well in fact, but a stupid, trivial argument with Nasser triggered me into (totally uncalled for) anger and then sudden, deep depression. (Oh God, this whole meds change!!) Luckily it all happened after the kids got on the bus, so I still have time to recover enough and they won't have seen any of it. Hopefully. It took me out for a good 3 hours so far and I missed my run with friends this morning. I sat/lay paralyzed on my bed, distracting myself with everything from a new Netflix show to facebook to my new book (that was a good one actually and I keep coming back to it today- woohoo!). But the ugly crying happened again and again and again. Maybe I should have blogged three hours ago, but I could not. get myself to. Until now.
I had a mostly good week I think. I was starting to wonder if the new medication was maybe, just maybe starting to kick in. It's possible. It's been about two and a half weeks since I started the new one, a week and a half since we upped the dosage. I certainly didn't expect for it to be kicking in yet, but I'm hoping that accounts for my string of better days. That would put next week at "even better" if the higher dosage then kicks in.
But because I had this false sense of security about my mood, it all hit harder this morning.
I think I'm finally at a point now, after this much blogging, texting with a few support people including Nasser, where I'd say I'm mostly recovered. Like I've climbed out of that hole, but I could still teeter backwards easily or even get pushed, if I'm not super super careful. There are a few things I need to do in order to keep my footing. I am going to eat lunch. Do some yoga, or a lot of yoga, depending on how I feel. I found a great video the other day, especially for anxiety/stress. Even if you're not a yoga/exercise/meditation person, it's worth a watch through the first 5 minutes for the breathing. This is something you can do in an office chair, or laying down for bed, or apparently, sitting at the kitchen table, writing your blog. Because it was worth the 5 minute re-watch, before I then practice the full yoga with the video later.
I still might run this afternoon. Crap. If I have time. Yoga is going to be my first priority though. And I'm not going to beat myself up if the run doesn't actually happen.
I'm going to leave with a photo of me at some point during the 3 hour hell that was my morning. I was a "bit better" at that point, but not much. The eyes had already much improved from the earlier redness.
I chose not to attempt a smile because it would not have expressed how I felt. It was not authentic.
But I am here. I am present. I am.
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