I haven't blogged in a few days. It's not that I haven't wanted to or anything. My mother-in-law has been visiting so we've been busier, and I was still getting over my cold (actually the worst of it was New Years Eve and New Years Day). But the cold is almost gone. The head cloudiness has lifted, I haven't needed a hundred tissues a day anymore, and I was able to fit in a run yesterday and some stationary bike today. It is so nice to be exercising again even if my body isn't tolerating the same intensity as normal.
It's nice now that when I don't blog for a few days, I've gotten a few friends who check in on me. I suppose my lack of facebook presence makes it harder for friends to know how I'm doing too. Still staying off facebook though. Not even cheating to view posts anymore.
I'm feeling slightly anxious today. It started with feeling worried about my relationship with a friend because the last conversation we had didn't end right, and I think my hiatus from caffeine while sick changed my tolerance to it, so I actually drank too much coffee this morning and too little water. Nasser read an article about caffeine and anxiety so now I feel like I shouldn't be taking in any caffeine EVER. So that thought makes me anxious. At least writing about it helps. It at least makes it easier to take deep breaths which then helps.
I think I'm also feeling anxious about Nasser going back to work tomorrow. Two weeks of having him home has been so nice and I've gotten so used to his help. Tomorrow RG doesn't have school though so it'll just be me and kids all day. Before going to sleep tonight I'm going to come up with a plan for exercise for tomorrow. That will help.
I've been continuing the snowflake drawings on my hand. Still usually the hand. I kinda like the idea of having a few snowflakes, like below.
Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped for my life, so not competent. My mother-in-law is so wonderful with our kids and always finds fun activities to do (that never involve screens). Perhaps it's because we let them play a lot of video games during this holiday break, but it definitely makes me feel like I don't know how to come up with activities like that. I let Theo have too many screens during the week when I'm trying to do other things like exercise or take a shower. Sometimes it feels balanced, but often I just feel guilty for every screen I give them. I should just feel confident about the decisions I make, but it's so easy to compare to others or at least compare to my perception of others and find myself failing. But my kids are good kids. In a lot of ways at least. It's easy to find fault in them too though and blame myself for all of it. Doesn't it all stem back to parenting? Maybe not all. But it's hard not to put it all on my shoulders.
Let's think better thoughts.
I'm a good mom. A little tv and video games isn't going to ruin my kids. I try really hard and care a lot; that shows for something, right?
I feel unfocused today and I think this blog post reflects that. I feel unfocused, anxious. Ending here today until I feel more collected.
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