and many times I've cried

Saturday, 01/23/16, 1:55pm

I hate my life. I hate my existence. At least sometimes. At least now.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't get so angry sometimes. I wish I could take criticism constructively. I wish I was a better mother. I wish I was a better person.

I hate how my depression makes me feel sometimes. I guess this is just the depression? This is just my disease? It doesn't feel like a disease though. It just feels like reality. And that's how it is I guess. My depression provides for me this altered reality in which I'm just this shitty person that unfortunately exists. Man I really wish right now that I didn't exist.

I'm sick of this happening. Over. And over. And over again. I hate feeling like the scum of the earth and wishing that I didn't exist or wishing that I could just quit my life somehow, easily. It's not quite suicidal thoughts. It's close, it certainly sounds like it, but to me, there's a big difference. Suicidal thoughts is not just wishing that I didn't exist, it's wishing or wondering that I should make myself not exist.

You're just getting my unfiltered stream of depressed consciousness today, my dear blog. I guess I keep pouring that into you, hoping that by some magic, you'll just absorb it all and I won't feel like that anymore.

I was supposed to leave for a bike ride an hour ago. But I've lost that entire hour to my depression. God, I hate my depression. I started blogging hoping that I could get to a point where I could bike, and I still might get there I guess. I am doing better than I was at the beginning, so that's good, right?

I guess this day is still salvageable. I could still bike, maybe skip my upcoming friends get together this afternoon, but get to a point where I can be part of my family again? I'm at one of those cross roads right now. There's a part of my head that just wants to give in to the crying again, a part that wants to say screw the biking, I'm staying in bed all day. But there's a part of me that feels like maybe I don't need to. Maybe I can climb out of my hole. Going to try that now.