Thursday, 01/07/16, 4:39pm
Not being in a paying job right now, I sometimes find myself feeling purpose-less. I mean yeah, I have a general purpose to raise my kids right (but then so does Nasser and he works full time). We attended the kindergarten open house today for TK for starting in the fall. (Crazy to think about!!) But they talked about kindergarten readiness and there's no expectation that he knows all his letters or their sounds or really be far along with reading. To some extent that totally takes the pressure off. He can write his name, although he doesn't like writing "E"s so he usually throws in an extra "H" in place of the "E". But I'm feeling less pressured to prep him a whole lot for kindergarten. Which really, is great. I don't want that pressure there.
With regards to my purpose though, right now all I've got besides the kids is my blog. It's weird. It's great in a lot of ways but then it can lead to the "no direction" kind of feeling. That can make me feel lost sometimes, not having a clear purpose or direction. I think that I often have trouble with that. I always had trouble in school or work with more open-ended projects. I suppose a lot of people do. But it always makes me feel bad about myself, thinking I don't know how to work without a given direction.
I guess having no clear direction, it's just like any project. I have to determine what I want for myself, what achievements I'm looking for, and then break it down for the steps required to get there. I have direction when it comes to my athleticism. I have goals, although I still need to come up with my training plans. I love forming goals when it comes to our travel plans. But then I guess for the major hole in my life right now, my career, I have no current goals. I guess that's what it comes down to; it only took me 3 paragraphs to figure it out. I feel a hole in my life when it comes to my career. I knew this would happen, although I think I was so ready to be done with my last job, that I didn't think I would miss it. Well here I am realizing I miss it a little.
I have some lofty goals and aspirations when it comes to my career, some related to engineering, and some just completely different. These are pretty much on hold until I feel like I can't do the stay-at-home mom thing anymore. But then there's that part of me. That itch. I start to wonder if I could do one of my completely different things part-time... while I'm stay-at-home. It's a thought. But I also know that finding myself, finding my mental health balance are goals of my stay-at-home gig, goals of my blog too. And that's important to focus on right now.
Meanwhile, a memory comes back that I had at one point thought about writing a book. Not a novel or anything like that. More like a reference book. For the "exclusive pumper". Do you remember from my mothering story (the beginning beginning), I pumped for all of Ronan's first year? Well at the time I remember feeling very alone. I felt like it was hard to get resources and I wanted something official telling me that it was ok to pump. If I could create a book that could provide that? Hmmm. It's a thought.
Focus. Focus on my mental health balance. Putting together everyday the elements that make me a healthier me. A stronger me. A more relaxed me. A confident me.
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