now I gotta cut loose, footloose

Friday, 01/22/16, 7:29am, 10:11am

I have a really hard time with criticism. I always have. I don't know what it is, but when, for example, Nasser has something critical to say about my parenting, my brain equates it to "I'm a shitty mother".

I've always had trouble with performance reviews at work too. Even when there's a slew of good comments, I focus on the "areas of improvement".

You know, it's really frustrating. It's not ok that everytime Nasser criticizes me I fall apart, I get depressed. But I also don't know how to stop it from happening. I don't know how to create a balanced thought in my head about the criticism. I just. I don't know how to take criticism. I guess that's why I work so hard to please everyone around me. I don't want the criticism.

It's so... I dunno... embarrassing to admit that I don't know how to take criticism. Shouldn't we all be ok at that? There's certainly a societal expectation that we should be.

I feel so grumpy and frustrated and mad and defensive and depressed. There's the part of me that really wishes I didn't exist because I'm such a shitty person. A shitty member of society. A shitty mother.

A little later, I'm doing better but feeling frustrated that I had to go and get moody yesterday when Nasser came home from his work trip. It was not a pleasant evening for anyone. I made a nice lactose free lasagna in honor of Nasser coming home, but RG and I were still arguing and neither kid was really interested in eating the lasagna. Too much like a casserole I guess... mixed ingredients. They prefer their foods separated. Nasser came home tired and probably disappointed that no one was in a good mood.

Now if I want the right outcome here, I should probably figure out a way to fix my mood, attitude, etc during the day today. Do productive and fun things with the kids today so they are in good moods when Nasser gets home. I can do that, right?

I'm blogging, that's a good way to start. I'm wearing exercise clothes, just need to actually get a workout in during the day. That's probably the most important thing for me to do. TK and I have already been somewhat productive in cleaning this morning and that tends to help my mood.

The last couple days I've gotten in a workout by throwing a "dance party" for me and TK. It's been really good. I put on a Pandora station, the last couple have been my David Bowie station and my Thriller station. Good songs with a good beat typically and fun to rock out to. And I've been doing lots of crazy dancing. TK joins for some of it but I try to dance the whole time, usually around 30 mins. Today I'm going to try and do more. Maybe add some time on the stationary bike as well. Or a run outside with TK biking. Lots of exercise + outdoor time = successful evening tonight? Maybe... Hopefully.

We're going to do everything we can to attempt it.

Wish me luck. And patience. And determination. And a positive attitude.