Well I mostly finished the book.
Yeah, the one I've been talking about nonstop (here, here, and here). Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown. I skipped the chapter on "education and work" to come back to. But, it's a wonderful book. One that I'd recommend to everyone. I feel like the following quote sums it up quite well, "...there are many tenets of wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."
Well I feel pretty good about my willingness to get vulnerable (ex. blog, haha), but I think I could work on "knowing that I am enough". My typical negative self-talk is centered around "not ______ enough". Not feeling "enough" sucks. It is coupled with strong feelings of shame, which Brené talked about a good deal in her book as well. She talks about how important it is to have "shame resilience", which a lot of my coping mechanisms for depression qualify as.
I want to quote from the book again, with some important things we all need to understand about shame.
"1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here's your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.
2. We're all afraid to talk about shame.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives."
I have felt or feel shame, when:
- I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I distinctly remember telling a friend's brother that I didn't like the friend. At the time, I thought he'd think I was cooler if I didn't like his sister. (What was wrong with me???)
- I got pregnant "out of wedlock".
- I told my parents about my unplanned pregnancy.
- I had a "shotgun" wedding.
- I couldn't breastfeed RG.
- I couldn't even get RG to latch when trying to breastfeed.
- I was diagnosed with depression.
- I started taking medication for my depression.
- I told my family about my depression.
- I told friends about my depression.
- I needed therapy.
- I had to up the dosage of my anti-depressants while pregnant with TK.
- I ended up in the hospital for my depression.
- Everytime a friend or family member tells me how they do/did something with their kids, differently from the way I'm doing it. (I'm sure it's usually well-intentioned, but there's always that unspoken "and my way is/was better" that I feel).
- I yell at my kids.
- I shame my kids.
- I yell at my husband.
- I shame my husband.
- I spanked my children. (oh that's a hard one to admit. Nasser and I decided several years ago though that it wasn't what we wanted to do anymore).
- I think that I don't love my kids when I'm angry or depressed.
- I think that I don't love my husband when I'm angry or depressed.
- I want to end my life.
- I recover from my depression and think about the horrible things I thought or said.
Whew. That's some crappy stuff to admit. But I'm not going to go back and remove any of the line items. Because I choose to dare greatly in the face of my shame.
In the shame resilience part of the book, Brené talks about her strategies:
"1. Practice courage and reach out! Yes, I want to hide, but the way to fight shame and to honor who we are is by sharing our experience with someone who has earned the right to hear it- someone who loves us, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them.
2. Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I'm trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown: You're okay. You're human- we all make mistakes. I've got your back. Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect.
3. Own the story! Don't bury it and let it fester or define me. I often say aloud: 'If you own this story you get to write the ending. If you own this story you get to write the ending.' When we bury the story we forever stay the subject of the story. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending. As Carl Jung said, 'I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.' "
That #2 is an important one for me.
We're going to practice some positive self-talk here.
I am a good, loving, and loved person. I am a loving wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. I care about and for those around me. I am a loving and engaged mother. I want the best for my children and I strive to raise them as loving and caring individuals. I now will strive to raise them as "wholehearted" individuals.
Read the book, all. Live wholeheartedly and dare greatly.
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