and if you take my hand my son, all will be well when the day is done

Friday, 01/29/16, 9:35am

There's a lot going on right now. Nasser leaves for India tomorrow for a week. My sister and her fam just got back from South Korea, which is awesome. On a crappy note though, my parents had to leave town this week because my aunt, my mom's sister, is suddenly on the last days of her life. She's been fighting cancer for several years now, and now they say her organs will start shutting down shortly. It sucks. She lives in Michigan, so unless I decide to travel there just me and kids, I won't be seeing her again. I feel really helpless in that situation.

Now through tomorrow afternoon, though, things should be ok. Nasser is coming home early today, we have some nice plans with family and friends through the process of him leaving tomorrow.

I had a breakdown last night, mostly about Nasser's trip. I was supposed to go climbing with a few friends, but my anxiety/panic then depression attack screwed that up. And of course I felt ashamed that I couldn't recover and go. I'm doing better today, but I feel like I'm on the brink everytime Nasser's trip enters my brain. Rationally I know that I worry way more than necessary, and I usually end up ok on his trips. Maybe because he's going so far away this time and maybe because it's his longest business trip yet, this trip feels different.

On another downer note, RG has been reading these books lately, called "I survived...". He read "I survived Hurricane Katrina" first, and his second one was "I survived the September 11, 2001 attacks". Whew, that was a tough one. Of course it sparked a bit of discussion about it yesterday afternoon. It was a really tough conversation, because I wanted to convey so many things about it to him. I wanted to make him understand that it was a big, tough time for our country. I wanted him to have a grasp of the meaning of terrorism. I wanted him to understand that there were a lot of people who helped and that there were a lot of people who helped but didn't survive and that there were a lot of people who helped and are now dying years later due to the affects of what they breathed in those days. Obviously, I couldn't get through it without choking up several times. But I thought it was also important that he see that. TK got his first exposure to us talking about it yesterday, but he still doesn't understand most of it.

It sucks to raise children and have them start to understand the bad parts of our world. And the sad parts. But then there's all the good parts. I guess it's important to raise them with the understanding that there are both and I suppose if we go back to what we learned from the Daring Greatly book (hah, as discussed in some detail here, here, here, and especially here), the only way for our children to live wholeheartedly is to understand the bad stuff in addition to the good stuff. I've told them some about my aunt, it's not something I want to shield from them but I also don't want to spark a big worry about death. Lots of balance in life, I guess.

I'm going to end this post with song lyrics for an entire song now, ones that seem so relevant to this discussion. My favorite version of this song is Peter, Paul, and Mary's, although it ends a bit too exciting for my taste. This is one of those "hippy" songs I sing to my kids sometimes at bedtime.

DAY IS DONE
Peter Yarrow -Silver Dawn Music - ASCAP

Tell me why you're crying, my son
I know you're frightened, like everyone
Is it the thunder in the distance you fear?
Will it help if I stay very near?
I am here.

Refrain:
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
Day is done, Day is done
Day is done, Day is done

Do you ask why I'm sighing, my son?
You shall inherit what mankind has done.
In a world filled with sorrow and woe
If you ask me why this is so, I really don't know.

(Refrain)

Tell me why you're smiling my son
Is there a secret you can tell everyone?
Do you know more than men that are wise?
Can you see what we all must disguise
through your loving eyes?

(Refrain)

this is my tune for the taking, take it, don't turn away

Thursday, 01/28/16, 11:40am

Well I mostly finished the book.

Yeah, the one I've been talking about nonstop (here, here, and here). Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown. I skipped the chapter on "education and work" to come back to. But, it's a wonderful book. One that I'd recommend to everyone. I feel like the following quote sums it up quite well, "...there are many tenets of wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."

Well I feel pretty good about my willingness to get vulnerable (ex. blog, haha), but I think I could work on "knowing that I am enough". My typical negative self-talk is centered around "not ______ enough". Not feeling "enough" sucks. It is coupled with strong feelings of shame, which Brené talked about a good deal in her book as well. She talks about how important it is to have "shame resilience", which a lot of my coping mechanisms for depression qualify as.

I want to quote from the book again, with some important things we all need to understand about shame.

"1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here's your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.
2. We're all afraid to talk about shame.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives."

I have felt or feel shame, when:

• I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I distinctly remember telling a friend's brother that I didn't like the friend. At the time, I thought he'd think I was cooler if I didn't like his sister. (What was wrong with me???)
• I got pregnant "out of wedlock".
• I told my parents about my unplanned pregnancy.
• I had a "shotgun" wedding.
• I couldn't breastfeed RG.
• I couldn't even get RG to latch when trying to breastfeed.
• I was diagnosed with depression.
• I started taking medication for my depression.
• I told my family about my depression.
• I told friends about my depression.
• I needed therapy.
• I had to up the dosage of my anti-depressants while pregnant with TK.
• I ended up in the hospital for my depression.
• Everytime a friend or family member tells me how they do/did something with their kids, differently from the way I'm doing it. (I'm sure it's usually well-intentioned, but there's always that unspoken "and my way is/was better" that I feel). 
• I yell at my kids.
• I shame my kids.
• I yell at my husband.
• I shame my husband.
• I spanked my children. (oh that's a hard one to admit. Nasser and I decided several years ago though that it wasn't what we wanted to do anymore). 
• I think that I don't love my kids when I'm angry or depressed.
• I think that I don't love my husband when I'm angry or depressed.
• I want to end my life.
• I recover from my depression and think about the horrible things I thought or said.

Whew. That's some crappy stuff to admit. But I'm not going to go back and remove any of the line items. Because I choose to dare greatly in the face of my shame.

In the shame resilience part of the book, Brené talks about her strategies:

"1. Practice courage and reach out! Yes, I want to hide, but the way to fight shame and to honor who we are is by sharing our experience with someone who has earned the right to hear it- someone who loves us, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them.

2. Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I'm trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown: You're okay. You're human- we all make mistakes. I've got your back. Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect.

3. Own the story! Don't bury it and let it fester or define me. I often say aloud: 'If you own this story you get to write the ending. If you own this story you get to write the ending.' When we bury the story we forever stay the subject of the story. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending. As Carl Jung said, 'I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.' "

That #2 is an important one for me.

We're going to practice some positive self-talk here.

I am a good, loving, and loved person. I am a loving wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. I care about and for those around me. I am a loving and engaged mother. I want the best for my children and I strive to raise them as loving and caring individuals. I now will strive to raise them as "wholehearted" individuals. 

Read the book, all. Live wholeheartedly and dare greatly.

up and down. but in the end it's only round and round.

Tuesday, 01/26/16, 2:21pm

Agh. This book. If you don't know what book I'm reading, read this then this. It is so in my head. I'm still not done. I think I've only made about 20 some pages progress since finishing up last night, but I have to read so slowly. There's a lot of re-reading sentences or paragraphs, then there's the required time to reflect. There's the time to get angry and defensive about my life.

I have remembered why I have a hard time getting into "self-help" books. The good ones really make you take a hard look at every aspect of your life and realize you could be doing a lot better. But then you hit times where you feel like you're doing all the right things in some aspects of your life and you float on top of a cloud for awhile. I have loved this book at times. I have hated this book at times. Mostly it's love though.

The depression adds a whole new spin to reading "self-help" books. For me, I tend to get feelings of "omygosh, my depression is all my fault" or most recently "my depression is caused by this stupid self-destructive behavior". When I view the depression as "my fault", it becomes not a disease. It becomes I'm just not strong enough. I'm a failure. Etc, etc. If you've been reading my blog up till now, you can probably recognize my typical self-talk. Sometimes reading a passage of a "self-help" book can cause a bout of depression.

Daring Greatly has been a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster but not really, because it's been more up than down. Hopefully it's one that ends higher than it started, although I do suspect it will based on what I've already learned.

Again, more to come.

here comes the sun, and I say it's all right

Monday, 01/25/16, 9:38pm

I am going through some serious personal growth right now, in large part due to reading this book (Daring Greatly by Brené Brown as discussed in some introductory detail here). I have only gotten about halfway through the book (at this rate I'll finish it during the afternoon before book club - Yikes!!), but check it out:

Yup, I'm being so nerdy academic about it, taking notes and copying quotes onto index cards. I love them though. And although I'm only halfway through, I think I have at least 3 topics that I really want to delve into in future blog posts. Topics that I need to delve deeper into as part of my personal growth. I don't want to go any further now, because my thoughts are so jumbled right now and I want to finish the book before I reflect fully.

But. One thing I will say, I keep reaffirming as I read that blogging is a wonderful, healthy, therapeutic, self-loving, self-healing discovery for me. I'm hooked.

choosing to dare greatly

Sunday, 01/24/16, 2:55pm

I have book club this coming Wednesday, and I've been quite lax in starting to read this book. We're reading Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown.

I guess this book belongs in the "self-help" category, which tends to scare me. I usually feel that a self-help book is typically written for the general public, but I tend to think that I need special self-help because of my depression. Things don't work the same for me as they do for other people. I think this fear that this book will make my depression worse has made me afraid to open it. And maybe I'm here blogging because I'm still afraid of that. I had a similar feeling about a really good book I read (most of) earlier this fall, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed. That one I've had trouble reading it logistically since I've been getting it from the library, both in paper and electronically, and I also avoid reading it because it's emotionally "heavy" as I call it. I should really just buy it like I finally did with Daring Greatly.

I haven't read much yet of Brené Brown's book, but I've read the Introduction and watched both of her TED talks (watch this one first, then this one) so far. Her TED talks were so inspiring and emotional for me, because her biggest message so far, I take to heart very deeply. The tag line on the book reads "How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead". I highly recommend watching her TED talks, especially that first one.

What I've already discovered and what made me reflect strongly on my life the last 6 months or so, I believe I've been finding myself (part of the reason I quit my job in August) and have found on my own that vulnerability, opening yourself up to others, exactly what I've been doing here in my blog, is the key to living life "whole-heartedly" as Brené puts it. The other thing I already love about her, this idea of how important vulnerability is, is based on years of research, thousands of stories. I'm a data gal, so that also speaks to me. 

Anyway, it got me thinking a lot about my blog. This amazing therapy the blog provides for me is based on me being vulnerable to others. That's exactly what I've been doing, it's been liberating, and many of those I've shared with have responded. Friends and family appreciate me sharing my experiences and struggles with them, but then those who suffer themselves from depression or anxiety have shared with me in turn. I feel so honored that friends have told me about their own struggles and their own shame around it. I wish I could take away all their sufferings, but my blog validates their own struggles and gives them a reminder that they don't suffer alone. What a strong and supportive conclusion to come to after two people have become vulnerable in their relationship with eachother. My blog is bringing me closer to those around me. Brené Brown talks about the concept of vulnerability being "exquisite" rather than "excruciating". My blog has most definitely taught me that. 

It is exquisite to be vulnerable to others and allow them to love and support you in turn. 

I suppose I should quit procrastinating and start reading. I expect that this book will inspire several more blog posts, and I'm excited to talk about it at book club. I don't think I can talk about this book without telling my book club about my depression and my own vulnerability with my blog. It might be emotional and might trigger a bit of depression, but. I'm going to prepare myself for that possibility, and keep doing fabulous things for myself that help me there.

Speaking of which, I went for a run today. It was good but I wore a non-breathable jacket. It's a cycling jacket and I wasn't thinking. Of course you want non-breathable when you're cycling in the cold and wind, but that's not what you want for a day like today, like 40deg F and sunny. Ah, I love Colorado. But thinking about my friends on the east coast getting snowed in. I had some fun with taking pictures, while running. :)

Ok, really it's time to stop procrastinating. I have a lot to read before book club in 3 days. Yikes.

and many times I've cried

Saturday, 01/23/16, 1:55pm

I hate my life. I hate my existence. At least sometimes. At least now.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't get so angry sometimes. I wish I could take criticism constructively. I wish I was a better mother. I wish I was a better person.

I hate how my depression makes me feel sometimes. I guess this is just the depression? This is just my disease? It doesn't feel like a disease though. It just feels like reality. And that's how it is I guess. My depression provides for me this altered reality in which I'm just this shitty person that unfortunately exists. Man I really wish right now that I didn't exist.

I'm sick of this happening. Over. And over. And over again. I hate feeling like the scum of the earth and wishing that I didn't exist or wishing that I could just quit my life somehow, easily. It's not quite suicidal thoughts. It's close, it certainly sounds like it, but to me, there's a big difference. Suicidal thoughts is not just wishing that I didn't exist, it's wishing or wondering that I should make myself not exist.

You're just getting my unfiltered stream of depressed consciousness today, my dear blog. I guess I keep pouring that into you, hoping that by some magic, you'll just absorb it all and I won't feel like that anymore.

I was supposed to leave for a bike ride an hour ago. But I've lost that entire hour to my depression. God, I hate my depression. I started blogging hoping that I could get to a point where I could bike, and I still might get there I guess. I am doing better than I was at the beginning, so that's good, right?

I guess this day is still salvageable. I could still bike, maybe skip my upcoming friends get together this afternoon, but get to a point where I can be part of my family again? I'm at one of those cross roads right now. There's a part of my head that just wants to give in to the crying again, a part that wants to say screw the biking, I'm staying in bed all day. But there's a part of me that feels like maybe I don't need to. Maybe I can climb out of my hole. Going to try that now.

now I gotta cut loose, footloose

Friday, 01/22/16, 7:29am, 10:11am

I have a really hard time with criticism. I always have. I don't know what it is, but when, for example, Nasser has something critical to say about my parenting, my brain equates it to "I'm a shitty mother".

I've always had trouble with performance reviews at work too. Even when there's a slew of good comments, I focus on the "areas of improvement".

You know, it's really frustrating. It's not ok that everytime Nasser criticizes me I fall apart, I get depressed. But I also don't know how to stop it from happening. I don't know how to create a balanced thought in my head about the criticism. I just. I don't know how to take criticism. I guess that's why I work so hard to please everyone around me. I don't want the criticism.

It's so... I dunno... embarrassing to admit that I don't know how to take criticism. Shouldn't we all be ok at that? There's certainly a societal expectation that we should be.

I feel so grumpy and frustrated and mad and defensive and depressed. There's the part of me that really wishes I didn't exist because I'm such a shitty person. A shitty member of society. A shitty mother.

A little later, I'm doing better but feeling frustrated that I had to go and get moody yesterday when Nasser came home from his work trip. It was not a pleasant evening for anyone. I made a nice lactose free lasagna in honor of Nasser coming home, but RG and I were still arguing and neither kid was really interested in eating the lasagna. Too much like a casserole I guess... mixed ingredients. They prefer their foods separated. Nasser came home tired and probably disappointed that no one was in a good mood.

Now if I want the right outcome here, I should probably figure out a way to fix my mood, attitude, etc during the day today. Do productive and fun things with the kids today so they are in good moods when Nasser gets home. I can do that, right?

I'm blogging, that's a good way to start. I'm wearing exercise clothes, just need to actually get a workout in during the day. That's probably the most important thing for me to do. TK and I have already been somewhat productive in cleaning this morning and that tends to help my mood.

The last couple days I've gotten in a workout by throwing a "dance party" for me and TK. It's been really good. I put on a Pandora station, the last couple have been my David Bowie station and my Thriller station. Good songs with a good beat typically and fun to rock out to. And I've been doing lots of crazy dancing. TK joins for some of it but I try to dance the whole time, usually around 30 mins. Today I'm going to try and do more. Maybe add some time on the stationary bike as well. Or a run outside with TK biking. Lots of exercise + outdoor time = successful evening tonight? Maybe... Hopefully.

We're going to do everything we can to attempt it.

Wish me luck. And patience. And determination. And a positive attitude.

no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

Thursday, 01/21/16, 4:27pm

This is going to be (or at least start out as) an angry, swear-filled post. Because I want to just swear and scream at my children right now, so instead it's going into the blog.

WTF. What. The. Fuck. Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

RG is on a rampage because I "refused to let us play video games" at the f'ing play date this afternoon after I made them read for 20 minutes. In fairness I had said that they could play if they read. But then they couldn't all decide on a game to play. They were offering something up where RG and TK would play one game off the XBox while the friend would play a different game on my Chromebook. It's a f'ing play date. They really should be playing together, not playing video games anyway. I was ok with them playing a game together or taking turns on a game, but I drew the line at playing different games separately from eachother. Anyway, they wouldn't agree on a game that fit my terms and they ran outta time before the kid's mom was going to pick him up.

Ugh. So now RG is still mad and still arguing with me about it, an hour later, and I continually tell him not to argue with me anymore about it. I took away screens for the rest of the night. I said that next time they ask me for a play date, I'll say no. I know, taking things away doesn't help. But I don't exactly have my right mind when my child won't stop arguing with me. And it seems like there should be consequences for that anyway. Argh argh argh argh argh.

I locked myself in my room to cool off and blog and so far it is working. But I've still locked myself away from the kids. Sigh. I wish I didn't need to do that.

Guess I need to face the music sooner or later. At least I'll be calmer when I do.

I'm tense and nervous and I... can't relax

Monday, 01/17/16, 3:12pm

Oh. My. Gosh. Breathe.

Overwhelming feelings of depression have now hit twice today, but I'm working towards a second recovery. The first was this morning, after breakfast, while we were packing up, getting ready to leave from our most wonderful weekend with friends. I'll talk about that more later. I didn't sleep well last night, had another case of insomnia, between about midnight and 2am-ish. I think I've figured out the trend, since this has happened the last several Sundays. I think I'm getting anxiety about the weekend ending, about the week starting up again. It's minor anxiety, but enough to keep me awake. But, now that I'm aware of it, I can do some things to prevent it. As the weekend dies down, have less caffeine, find some more naturally sleep-inducing foods/beverages on Sunday evenings, take an anti-anxiety pill or melatonin if necessary. Sweet, I have a plan.

Let's talk about the depression too, shall we? Man I'm a mess of nerves, anxiety, and depression sometimes.

This morning, it really hit me that our fabulous, and I really mean fabulous, weekend was coming to an end, and I had to, we all had to, go back to reality. It hit a little bit last night, since 2 of our friends already left, but when there were only 6 of us left this morning at breakfast, and then it was time to pack, it really set in. Plus I was crazy tired from said insomnia. Anyway, the depression this morning only took about 20 minutes out of my life but I was a wreck of tears and heavy breathing hiding in the bed. Dear friends who were with us, did you even know? Or maybe afterward, I didn't hide it as well as I thought. But then, I really did recover. It wasn't really a matter of hiding it, I was able to breathe and stop crying and recognize that it's ok, it's normal to be sad that our time with friends is ending... until next time. Because we did all decide that there will be a next time.

We said goodbye to the last of our friends this afternoon, and now I have to deal with the reality that Nasser leaves for San Diego late tonight. Whew, that is a quick turnaround for us. Poor TK, after Nasser picked up the boys from my parents' house and he found out that Daddy was leaving tonight, was a mess of tears as well for awhile. It's hard to stay strong for the kids, and I don't always. And the trips usually end of almost entirely fine, and I find support when I need it. But they're hard. And I worry about them way more than I should.

So when the depression hit again this afternoon, I decided that I needed to blog. It's been a little while, and although I haven't needed the therapeutic aspect of my blogging as much this weekend, because it was all really really great, I've kinda missed writing. It's true that you don't really realize how much you love something until you realize you miss it when it's gone.

And full recovery. #2 for the day. It is so awesome to be able to recover these days. By these days, I suppose I mean the past 2 years or so; prior to that, I didn't know how to recover without a full night's sleep. If I got depressed in the morning, it would last all day and I'd be requiring recovery methods all day to be better by the next morning. It was hard; I couldn't really keep commitments like I can more easily now.

So. The weekend. Like I said in a previous post, our friends on this trip were quite a mix of people, various friends of Nasser's and mine from different stages in our lives. I think almost all of us met at least one new person on the trip. And I think I can speak for the rest of the group that it was a wild success. We talked about making this a yearly event, like seriously talked about it. Makes me happy. :)

Finishing with a few shots from the trip, some of these I'm borrowing from friends.

happy happy joy joy joy

Saturday, 01/16/16, 11:51pm

Happy. Happily. Happiness.

This weekend is turning out to be fabulous. Old friends, new friends, skiing, good food, good drinks, hot chocolate, hot chocolate with Bailey's, hot tub, ski lifts, light moguls, beer, homemade cookies, homemade pumpkin bread, games, movies.

I love my kids. But it is also nice to have a break here and there. :) And enjoy our lovely friends.

all my bags are packed, I'm ready to go

Wednesday, 01/13/16, 3:33pm

We're on the final stretch of Nasser's work trip. He lands in Denver tomorrow morning, then picks up a set of our friends who fly in soon after him. We have 5 friends flying in for the weekend, along with another 5 of us joining who live in Colorado. We're going to be leaving our kids with my parents starting Friday, heading up to the mountains to ski Saturday/Sunday, heading back home with people having flights out on Monday. I am so excited. I've done a lot of planning for this trip, starting way back last summer with the initial emails to gauge interest from friends. It's going to be a mix of people, with Nasser and me at the center of knowing everyone. Some friends from high school, college, and beyond. We're going to be renting a home in Frisco, walking distance to the little downtown, has a private hot tub and a grill.

I've been stressed and busy planning this trip at various points over the last few months, but I'm at a point where we're almost there and there's almost nothing (or at least not much) left to be stressed about. I've already bought about half of the food that we plan to drive up, I've started setting aside clothes for packing, I think most of the logistics are handled for how everyone is getting up to the mountains, and I know the house that we're staying at is good since we've stayed there before.

As I'm writing this I am thinking about various things to worry about of course; someone mentioned there was snow in the forecast for Friday, there will be a ton of people driving up at the same time as us despite weather conditions, hmmmm, maybe I should figure out a way for us to leave earlier on Friday, I still have to buy the rest of the food but I think I can send Nasser and/or friends out to get the liquor Friday morning before we leave...

Stop.

I think I need to make some more lists, huh?

Oh right, I wrote out a schedule for the next several days through Friday. Maybe I should just look at that.

I'm neurotic sometimes, huh? A schedule? Yeah, yeah I am.

Anyway. I'm super excited and stressed about the next few days, and Nasser returning from his trip ok, and I should be getting to my list of things to do, but here I am blogging instead. This is one of those times where I need it though, right?

A few days ago, Nasser told me that his boss wanted him to schedule his India trip soon, like in the first 2 weeks of February (for a week's duration). Work had gotten all his passport and visa stuff taken care of at the end of last year for the possibility of there being an India trip "soon". But that's all we knew. Now here it is.

The trip is almost booked or booked now for the first week of February. It really sucks. He has to leave Saturday evening and comes back the following Saturday night. It totally sucks.

I realized today, when looking at the calendar, that Nasser has work trips 3 of the next 5 weeks (including this one). It sucks.

Granted, he doesn't travel like this all the time. His trips aren't really that often, but somewhat regular each quarter of the year. And he gets a lot out of every trip, having face time with the people he works with in San Diego. And it will be really good for him to finally meet a lot of the people in India. This is, I believe, his first international trip. And India is a lot further than Europe, so the travel on either side kinda just sucks. A lot. And really it's rare that he has to travel on weekends, although there was that trip just last fall.

Hmmmm.

Yeah I don't like Nasser traveling a lot for work.

He doesn't like it either though. So at least we're on the same page there.

Sigh. But I'm still excited about the in between the trips times over the next few weeks. Poor Nasser, with the traveling so much. He doesn't get to see the kids much in between these San Diego trips, because he also flies out Monday evening along with many of our friends, but then we have a family ski trip planned a week after he gets back from India. Lots and lots of travel.

I'm doing pretty well this trip so far. No major breakdowns, I'm getting a ton of help from my parents which is making all the difference. And I even have friends helping me out, between texting words of support, coming and hanging out with me, providing a ride to school for RG. It's great.

I don't know why you say goodbye

Monday (really Sunday night), 01/11/16, 12:37am

I have a little bit of insomnia again tonight. I don't know what it is with me and Sunday nights. Well I did have coffee today after taking a week's break from it. But it was half decaf. And I only had one cup in the morning. And a cup in the afternoon. I don't remember how far into the afternoon it was though. And I had decaf tea this evening. But then I stayed up late, watching episodes of Gilmore Girls while Nasser played video games downstairs.

And now I'm feeling wide awake. Wide. Awake.

Hopefully I won't be for long though. I took some melatonin (which I've never actually done before) and I'm hoping that works for me in a little bit.

It might be working actually. Can't. Seem. To Focus. My. Thoughts.

..........................

Monday, 01/11/16, 9:16am

Not sure when I actually fell asleep but I know I was still tossing and turning after I couldn't focus my thoughts anymore. Not a good way to start my day.

It's going to be ok though. I can do this. I can get through my busy day today (my friend who we have plans with this afternoon is helping out!!) and the rest of this week too.

Nasser leaves for San Diego tomorrow morning. That totally sucks. Then we have friends coming into town for the weekend for a planned ski trip. Which is great. But it means there's a lot I have to do this week. I'm trying to juggle the logistics of the trip, I have to do a bunch of grocery shopping still. Oh and I added to my list yesterday that I need to learn how to make granola. Because I got it in my head that I need to make granola as a snack for the ski days. Nasser luckily saw that on my list and changed it to buy granola from the store. Because why am I trying to make my life harder for myself???

..........................

Monday, 01/11/16, 4:08pm

One thing I don't like about picking RG from the bus every afternoon is finding ourselves in spontaneous afternoon playdates. Oftentimes I don't feel like doing one, either hosting or letting RG go to one. Sometimes I stretch my excuses, RG has to do homework, TK is extra grumpy today. I don't lie; if I really don't have an excuse, however lame, I usually will do the playdate. Especially if RG really wants to. But sometimes he doesn't. And I have to cover for my introverted child.

Today I didn't really have an excuse. And I didn't really mind. So I agreed. Here I am with 3 boys in the house, having light saber battles, car and boat races. It's fine. It's just not what I was expecting this afternoon and not exactly what I wanted to do with my time.

Counting down the minutes to sending the extra boy home. Is 4:30 too early to decide the playdate's over; we need to prep for dinner (crockpot tacos? doesn't need much prep besides gathering fixings)?

..........................

Monday, 01/11/16, 7:47pm

Nasser is still reading to RG and then we're rapidly moving towards the stress of the next two weeks. Ugh. He flies out early tomorrow morning. Early early. I have to handle all the morning routine after he leaves and attempt to get RG on the bus (but I've got the expectation that he won't make the bus at all while Nasser is gone).

It'll be OK. I can do this. This whole two weeks in a row of travel is just psyching me out. Although Nasser's boss asked him today about an India trip at the beginning of February. Ugh. Too much travel.

It'll be OK. I can do this.

forget your troubles, come on, get happy

Friday, 01/08/16, 5:08pm

Today I had a really enjoyable day with TK. We had a few errands we should have been running, but opted to stay in for the day with snow coming down. We had a relaxing day, with sledding, baths, some tv, baking. See pictures below.

I feel successful today. Happy. Accomplished. Satisfied. It's a good feeling.

I wonder as I wander

Thursday, 01/07/16, 4:39pm

Not being in a paying job right now, I sometimes find myself feeling purpose-less. I mean yeah, I have a general purpose to raise my kids right (but then so does Nasser and he works full time). We attended the kindergarten open house today for TK for starting in the fall. (Crazy to think about!!) But they talked about kindergarten readiness and there's no expectation that he knows all his letters or their sounds or really be far along with reading. To some extent that totally takes the pressure off. He can write his name, although he doesn't like writing "E"s so he usually throws in an extra "H" in place of the "E". But I'm feeling less pressured to prep him a whole lot for kindergarten. Which really, is great. I don't want that pressure there.

With regards to my purpose though, right now all I've got besides the kids is my blog. It's weird. It's great in a lot of ways but then it can lead to the "no direction" kind of feeling. That can make me feel lost sometimes, not having a clear purpose or direction. I think that I often have trouble with that. I always had trouble in school or work with more open-ended projects. I suppose a lot of people do. But it always makes me feel bad about myself, thinking I don't know how to work without a given direction.

I guess having no clear direction, it's just like any project. I have to determine what I want for myself, what achievements I'm looking for, and then break it down for the steps required to get there. I have direction when it comes to my athleticism. I have goals, although I still need to come up with my training plans. I love forming goals when it comes to our travel plans. But then I guess for the major hole in my life right now, my career, I have no current goals. I guess that's what it comes down to; it only took me 3 paragraphs to figure it out. I feel a hole in my life when it comes to my career. I knew this would happen, although I think I was so ready to be done with my last job, that I didn't think I would miss it. Well here I am realizing I miss it a little.

I have some lofty goals and aspirations when it comes to my career, some related to engineering, and some just completely different. These are pretty much on hold until I feel like I can't do the stay-at-home mom thing anymore. But then there's that part of me. That itch. I start to wonder if I could do one of my completely different things part-time... while I'm stay-at-home. It's a thought. But I also know that finding myself, finding my mental health balance are goals of my stay-at-home gig, goals of my blog too. And that's important to focus on right now.

Meanwhile, a memory comes back that I had at one point thought about writing a book. Not a novel or anything like that. More like a reference book. For the "exclusive pumper". Do you remember from my mothering story (the beginning beginning), I pumped for all of Ronan's first year? Well at the time I remember feeling very alone. I felt like it was hard to get resources and I wanted something official telling me that it was ok to pump. If I could create a book that could provide that? Hmmm. It's a thought.

Focus. Focus on my mental health balance. Putting together everyday the elements that make me a healthier me. A stronger me. A more relaxed me. A confident me.

there's someone in my head but it's not me

Wednesday, 01/06/16, 6:00pm, 7:37pm, 9:26pm

I am angry. At the world, at Nasser's job, at myself, at the kids, at our HOA, at this stupid dressing I made for dinner that was awful, at the cat for puking, at myself, at my messy house, at myself. I think I've been grumpy all day. But it's coming out again this evening. Nasser and I had a mini-fight this morning about how unfair it is that Qualcomm is making him go to San Diego two weeks in a row, starting next week. And how Nasser should have pushed back on this. And how he doesn't push back on anything in his job. Oh and then the HOA meeting is at our house tomorrow night. Which I did not realize. Nasser is sure he told me early December and it says so on the event on Google calendar, but I didn't actually put it together until Nasser was reminding me this morning. So that just sucks. And I was angry this morning about the trips and the HOA meeting, and I blew up at Nasser about it. None of it is actually his fault though. But that doesn't change my viewpoint when I'm in a rage.

So this morning was not so good and I think I haven't really recovered all day. TK and I have been butting heads a lot today, and when RG got off the bus he asked if a friend could come over this afternoon. I was in no mood for it so I kinda made a lame excuse to RG.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Well, now it's an hour and half later and things are actually better. Nasser and I talked over dinner about the HOA meeting and we are conquering and dividing tonight. He is putting the kids to bed while I clean. And blog apparently. Just for a little bit!

I think I spent the day in a mood eating frenzy. It wasn't all bad. But there was a lot. Right now I'm feeling quite full, yet still satisfied. I'm choosing to not feel guilty about it. Besides I'm thinking it's related to "that time of the month" coming up (yeah, sorry tmi) which is great at affecting my mood and my appetite.

Back to cleaning.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Another two hours later, and things are better but. I'm not looking forward to Nasser's upcoming work trips. And I still have a bit of cleaning to do tomorrow during the day. To feel more comfortable. Oh and I'll probably do something stupid like bake cookies or make homemade fudge tomorrow. For the stupid HOA meeting. Because Nasser is on the board. And because there's that part of me that likes to host and serve and make.

well

... to all a good night!

party like it's 1999

Tuesday, 01/05/16, 4:35pm

I like that I've got a trend of dating and "time-stamping" (I feel so corporate using that term) each of my blog posts. I've enjoyed it when I look back at old posts (because I do that). And now in the new year, it's been good practice for writing 16. 2016.

Wow.

We're in the year 2016. That sounds so futuristic in a lot of ways. And I guess it is in many. Apparently futuristic became smart phones and infinite data at the touch of a button. "Smart" everything: phones, tablets, computers, thermostats, watering systems, cars. There's plenty there to talk about with the merits of that and what we're losing as a society by becoming that way, and there's totally a balance to be had, but that's not really what I want to talk about.

2016 feels old for me. I mean I'm not really old. I just turned 31 and have two kids. In my social circle (other moms with kids similar ages), I'm beyond young. At least in this part of the country, most people (not us), focus on their careers and their outdoor activities (skiing, running, cycling, etc) in their twenties and wait until their thirties to settle down. Apparently we did the opposite. It can get lonely to be in our situation. Our older friends consider us young and our younger friends consider us old. Sigh.

And now 2016 feels old to me. I have clear memories of 1991 becoming 1992 and so on. And every year having trouble remembering to write the new year. It's weird to think of the number of years that have gone by for me. A lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed over time. When I was younger, I always looked forward to being older. Now I feel pretty comfortable with my age, and yet someday, I'll wish I was younger.

This is one of those blog posts where I got interrupted in the middle of it. It is now 8:02pm, kids are almost asleep, and I no longer feel the itch to write. I'll still publish this as a short post, always discussions that may come back another day.

and so today, my world it smiles

Monday, 01/04/16, 3:45pm, 6:35pm

Apparently I am blogging again today. I feel... well... as cheesy as it sounds... called to.

I was starting to write some emails and found that I had the writing itch. So here goes. Note to self, finish emails once done with blog.

I was thinking about how therapeutic my blogging is. It's weird. So I was running with my mother-in-law over the weekend and telling her how I have a hard time calling myself a "runner" even though I run. I consider myself to be a slow runner, I don't run long distances, it feels like I should be calling myself a jogger or something. And I have the same attitude about calling myself a writer even though I've started to write. Seems like there should be a lesser title for what I do. But I am. I am a runner. I am a writer. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I've discovered I enjoy writing. It is therapy for me. I like playing with it, throwing things in or making particular word choices that only I know exactly why I chose to write it the way I did. How fun is that? Yeah, I'm hooked. 

I've had a fascination with triathlons for quite some time, but had sworn them off after a knee injury 9 years ago. I had sworn off running (boy that has improved!!). But then I participated in 2 triathlon relays in previous years. Those were incredibly fun. I loved having a team to work together, each of us playing to our one strength. A coworker got me into the first one I did, a sprint length relay, pulled me into the swim even though I hadn't been swimming regularly for a few months. Then 2 summers ago I completed double the distance swim in the olympic length relay with my 2 sisters. I swam, Audra biked, and Vida ran, each of us playing to our strengths, and a sister team to top it off. 

This past summer, I completed my first sprint length triathlons, and it was a blast. The first was way better, due to the weather being warm, but not ridiculously so, and early in the morning before the sun was at its highest. The later one, I struggled. It was hot, late morning/early afternoon, with the sun at its peak. I'm so proud of myself for both, especially for the one I struggled, and again, I'm hooked. 

So I've signed up for the longer distance olympic triathlon for this June. I've got some training ahead of me for this as I'm not exactly comfortable with the running distance yet, although I can do it, and I probably shouldn't wing the swim this time. I'm excited though. It's short-term goals that help me towards my eventual long-term goals around running and triathlons.

I guess I'm somewhat of an athlete as well. Wow. Runner. Swimmer. Cyclist. Writer. Engineer. Mother. Wife. Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Sister, Sister-in-law, Aunt. Friend. Homemaker. 

Happy day today. I like finding focus and purpose and accomplishment. Today I achieved several of those.

Oh and this afternoon? I did a kickboxing workout off a DVD, with the boys watching/participating. It was a blast. I only missed 2 pushups and a couple stretches to capture these gems.

a home sweet home with a couple of kids running in the yard

Monday, 01/04/16, 1:24pm

Nasser went back to work today. And it's just me and the boys. I didn't start off the day well with not getting enough sleep. Nasser and I were up late anyway, but then my body proceeded to go into an incredible insomnia. Maybe because I've been anxious. Maybe because I may have accidentally had caffeinated tea in the evening. Whatever the reason, I was wide awake.

Maybe I needed a several hour block of time to peruse articles on Google+, my only allowance of social media (are blogs considered social media as well??). Maybe I needed to look up that recipe on pumpkin oatmeal for the morning (which I did make this morning after not getting enough sleep! Seriously I have a disease) or maybe I really needed to find a kitchen chalkboard to hang over the back of the basement door (wouldn't that be adorable? sigh. again, disease). Or maybe I needed to open 10 articles on my phone to read later on, all with potential for future blog posts.

This day has been going by in a blur. The boys had some video game time (still weaning them from the holiday break obsession), but they've also been playing together really nicely and laughing hysterically throughout the process. I think I get how moms/housewives of years past accomplished so much during the day. They simply allowed their children to use their imaginations to play together, allowed them to use foam pool noodles as light sabers, allowed them to resolve most of their own disagreements (I step in when needed), allowed them to have stuffed animal fights and then made them clean up their own mess. So far today I've sent several important emails for planning a trip in May, I've ran some laundry, emptied the dishwasher, refilled it, and fed the boys lunch. I also managed to make some vegetable soup (really just cabbage and carrot, with a chicken and tomato broth). My sleep deprivation came into play here though, because I managed to accidentally grate the cabbage in the food processor when I was planning to shred it. Sigh. Hopefully at least Nasser and I will eat it.

I took some me time to watch an episode of my show on Netflix.

I'm even thinking about making fudge with the kids later.

I'm ridiculous sometimes. I'm really getting big on homemade. Certainly not everything we do is "from scratch", we have a large box of bisquick in the pantry that we used to make pancakes yesterday, I had no regular oats in the house this morning when I was making my ridiculous pumpkin oatmeal so I stole the plain packets from the box of instant oatmeal. We usually do cereal in the mornings and we have several lunchables in the fridge.

But.

I make our own wrapping paper for birthday presents out of old art that the boys made, I do homemade vanilla with brandy and vanilla beans rather than buying vanilla extract, I like to bake, I want to learn to make fudge, I make soup out of a head of cabbage, a bag of carrots, chicken broth, and tomato paste. I don't send thank you notes very often because I always want to make homemade cards with the kids writing them.

I'm working on lowering some of these "homemade" expectations I have for myself (it's silly because I don't have those expectations of other people), but I also don't think it's all bad. I like that part of my personality to some extent. When I find a balance it's healthy. Because really, I also find baking therapeutic. I love having my homemade vanilla in my cupboard and to me, it smells 10 times better than extract because I made it. And I love finding a use out of old daycare art that reuses it. Makes something else beautifully when several sheets come together. :)

So today, I suppose I'm an old-fashioned mama/housewife. I hate the term "housewife" usually; it feels antiquated and I prefer "stay-at-home mom" because that's what's in these days and it puts my top job first. But I guess today I did more for the house. Maybe I'll start calling myself a homemaker.

when you worry, you make it double

Sunday, 01/03/16, 2:36pm

I haven't blogged in a few days. It's not that I haven't wanted to or anything. My mother-in-law has been visiting so we've been busier, and I was still getting over my cold (actually the worst of it was New Years Eve and New Years Day). But the cold is almost gone. The head cloudiness has lifted, I haven't needed a hundred tissues a day anymore, and I was able to fit in a run yesterday and some stationary bike today. It is so nice to be exercising again even if my body isn't tolerating the same intensity as normal.

It's nice now that when I don't blog for a few days, I've gotten a few friends who check in on me. I suppose my lack of facebook presence makes it harder for friends to know how I'm doing too. Still staying off facebook though. Not even cheating to view posts anymore.

I'm feeling slightly anxious today. It started with feeling worried about my relationship with a friend because the last conversation we had didn't end right, and I think my hiatus from caffeine while sick changed my tolerance to it, so I actually drank too much coffee this morning and too little water. Nasser read an article about caffeine and anxiety so now I feel like I shouldn't be taking in any caffeine EVER. So that thought makes me anxious. At least writing about it helps. It at least makes it easier to take deep breaths which then helps.

I think I'm also feeling anxious about Nasser going back to work tomorrow. Two weeks of having him home has been so nice and I've gotten so used to his help. Tomorrow RG doesn't have school though so it'll just be me and kids all day. Before going to sleep tonight I'm going to come up with a plan for exercise for tomorrow. That will help.

I've been continuing the snowflake drawings on my hand. Still usually the hand. I kinda like the idea of having a few snowflakes, like below.

I'm still changing my mind a lot though so I'll continue playing around with it.

Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped for my life, so not competent. My mother-in-law is so wonderful with our kids and always finds fun activities to do (that never involve screens). Perhaps it's because we let them play a lot of video games during this holiday break, but it definitely makes me feel like I don't know how to come up with activities like that. I let Theo have too many screens during the week when I'm trying to do other things like exercise or take a shower. Sometimes it feels balanced, but often I just feel guilty for every screen I give them. I should just feel confident about the decisions I make, but it's so easy to compare to others or at least compare to my perception of others and find myself failing. But my kids are good kids. In a lot of ways at least. It's easy to find fault in them too though and blame myself for all of it. Doesn't it all stem back to parenting? Maybe not all. But it's hard not to put it all on my shoulders.

Let's think better thoughts.

I'm a good mom. A little tv and video games isn't going to ruin my kids. I try really hard and care a lot; that shows for something, right?

I feel unfocused today and I think this blog post reflects that. I feel unfocused, anxious. Ending here today until I feel more collected.