how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see?

Monday, 02/29/16, 8:08am

Relationships are hard. Any and all of them can be hard. Marriage partners, family members, in-laws, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. And you get the added difficulty of trying to stay in touch with people when you don't live in the same area. It's hard. And relationship dynamics are different with different people. Some friends take offense when you're not great about keeping in touch, and for other friends, although you may not talk very often, whether it be weeks, months, or even years, you can pick up where you left off and you know that you both care about eachother still.

Sometimes there are strains on certain relationships that will never go away. Topics that are always off limits, pains of old hurts. Sometimes you can keep a relationship by just avoiding some of those things, sometimes you can talk these things through and get to a stronger place, and sometimes the relationship can never recover. The ideal, of course, is that you talk about issues and get to a stronger place in this shared relationship. And me being a perfectionist, I want to fix all my relationships to always be in a stronger place. And maybe that's not always possible. I try, I worry, I think a lot, I worry some more. But maybe sometimes I just need to let go of certain things. Maybe, if possible, it's a better compromise to keep relationships and just avoid talking about certain things.

I know I've been really vague in this post so far, but for now, let's take for example, my depression. In the last several months, I've become so much more open about my depression. I've shared my blog with a fair number of people, I even shared it openly on Google+, and I know I have some readers, but I know that not everyone I've shared with has read it. Maybe they want to take the time and just haven't gotten around to it. That sounds like something I would do. But maybe a fair number of people I've shared with are uncomfortable about mental illness. It's not something they're interested in reading because of their own stigmas. I keep thinking if people would just read my blog, I could dispel of these stigmas and change people's mindsets. And yet, I have to accept that I don't have any control (but maybe some influence?) over people's mindsets. We all come with our own emotional baggage that is affected by our experiences, each of our relationships, and our ingrained beliefs. If someone equates depression with weakness, that belief is likely one that started at a young age, and has been made stronger as that person has become an adult. They likely meet most discussion of depression, or perhaps all mental illness, with avoidance and suspicion. They are less likely to read my blog anyway, and therefore less likely to ever hear the story of someone who lives with it. How then, can their belief have any chance of changing? People first need to be open to listen.

Perhaps we all need to greet life with a little more openness and empathy. We need to be open to hearing about other people's experiences, we need to listen and respond with empathy. I really think that all relationships can be mended if both parties meet the relationship with an open mind and empathy. I do wonder if these characteristics were brought into every aspect of life, again, marriage, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, how the world could change. We could greatly reduce the violence in our world. We could improve care of eachother in our life challenges, financially, medically, emotionally. We could work more harmoniously with eachother and I think, work more productively and efficiently. We could come together in our communities more, we could come together as a nation more, and as a world more. Perhaps we could think more long term in the way we live our lives, and consider everyone's problems, including our planet's. How I wish we could all keep an open mind and respond to others (all others) with empathy.

Do we all know what empathy is? Even if you do and you consider yourself empathetic, it is worth it to watch this 3 minute animated clip (found here or below) on empathy, narrated by Brené Brown. (Hey does that name ring a bell? You remember me mentioning her awhile back? If you have time now and didn't do it before, now's a great time to watch her TED talks too- here and here. Of course, now in linking to these videos, I am re-watching and feeling re-validated in my current life over and over again. Watch these videos people; it is so worth your time.)

Empathy is feeling with people, as Brené says in the empathy clip. Empathy is so powerful. And I'm not sure I'm negative enough to think that many people in this world have no capacity for empathy. I think we all have it, from birth. It can be warped and diminished by being exposed to violence, or disease, either physical or mental, and not being provided with love. We can shut it down as we grow up because we are taught to believe that being vulnerable makes us weak. And you need to be vulnerable in order to be empathetic rather than sympathetic.

As a parent, who is still learning to understand the importance of being vulnerable and empathetic in her own life, I want so much for my children to grow up with these same values. I want them to keep an open mind; I want them to understand that vulnerability is not weakness; I want them to approach others with empathy and a capacity to love. With just those values, they will be able to connect with others around them and improve the lives of the people they meet. Shouldn't we all be striving for that?

there is no dark side of the moon, really. matter of fact, it's all dark.

Saturday, 02/27/16, 2:46, 6:27pm; Sunday, 02/28/16, 7:11am

I'm going to talk about something that may make some people uncomfortable. But it too, like depression, should be talked about. I'm going to talk about periods. Menstruation, "that time of the month", or my personal favorite, Aunt Flo is in town. Guess what? All those feelings of discomfort, embarrassment, cheeks growing red? Those are due to shame.

Why the hell do we think we should be ashamed of periods? I mean COME. ON. They are a biological process that female bodies undergo. They are a critical cycle within the bigger picture of reproducing. Yeah that's right, important for having babies. Something totally natural and honestly, instinctual.

So I don't get why we have to get all embarrassed about periods. Sure, it can feel and look a bit gross, but it's not dirty. (Now I'm sure others could argue that we don't talk about peeing and pooping regularly, but I'm not sure that's healthy either. How many people develop symptoms of colon cancer, but refuse to get checked out out of embarrassment to talk about their pooping with someone? Natural stuff people, get over the shame, for all our sakes.)

The reason I wanted to talk about periods, though, is because I tend to realize my period's coming by a change in mood and higher likelihood for depression. This is most likely the entire reason for my string of bad days this week. Ugh. That is not fun to experience every single month. I guess knowing this about myself allows me to try to do something about it. If I was really good, I'd get better about mood journaling and comparing my mood to changes in my cycle. Then I could really up those activities that help me when I know my period is coming: things like exercise, blogging, eating right, getting enough sleep.

I've had some not so great cramping today here and there, but I know that some women have much more severe period pains. I read an article recently about how period pain tends to get ignored in the medical industry. Yet some people say the pain can be as bad as a heart attack. So again, I ask, why can't we talk about this? Just make this a part of the conversation.

I suppose I'm done talking about periods for now. I hope you stayed with me. Because everyone needs to chill out about them. Whether or not you are a woman, or you just know some or are raising some, it's worth knowing about and appreciating the difficulties of menstruation.

I've got to break through. I'm going under.

Thursday, 02/25/16, 1:44, 3:21pm

This is the third day in a row where I've been on the brink of full on depression. Bits of the days have been better, and bits have been worse. I'm starting to wonder, do I need to get fully depressed in order to get out of this weird funk?

I don't want to get fully depressed, don't get me wrong. But I'm not functioning very well in the state I'm in. I had to text a friend that I might be depressed tonight and might not be able to get together. How sucky and lame does that feel? (But awesome that it's a friend I can say that to, I hope). And maybe it sounds like I'm just preparing to get depressed, and therefore I get depressed. But the opposite most definitely does not work for me. A "positive attitude" doesn't work for me. Being "hopeful" doesn't work for me. But I do know that taking some of the pressure off situations (by preparing my friend for me being out of sorts for hopefully, "when" I do go, right?) gives me a better fighting chance.

The friend/getting together tonight thing by the way? That's going to a climbing gym. I missed the last one because of depression. I can't let that happen again. I did a little bit of a dance party with TK earlier, which helped some. I'm doing better with my emotional eating today, which is helping too. I'm blogging, and that is sure to help. And I got some quality cat purring time in with Buddy (we're pretty sure that's his name now). Buddy the minion cat, not to be confused with Buddy the Elf, but they're pals. And really, Buddy needs to be said in the style of the Minions: "BUDD-EEEEE!".

So I'm still trying to do all the right things to get better. But I know that depression is tricky. Any event, or statement from someone else, or a fight with Nasser or the kids can trigger a full blown episode. Over the last few days, I've had lots of potential triggers, and almost triggers, and triggers that I was able to rapidly recover from. I feel like I need these to stop so I can fully pull my head above water. Right now it feels like I'm catching breath often enough to stay above, but I keep going just below the surface and then I have to fight my way that extra inch up to breathe. And I have people worrying about me from a distance but they can't quite get all the way to me, maybe because of the undertows.

Sigh.

Focus on more activities to push away those nasty undertows.

the mongrel cat came home

Wednesday, 02/24/16, 8:38am

I haven't blogged in several days, or even looked at the blog, and as usual, that probably hasn't been the best thing for me. I wouldn't say I'm in a depressive episode, and I didn't quite get there last night, even though I got close. But I'm feeling a little down, in general.

Over the weekend, we adopted a cat. We've been talking about it for awhile, and the kids have been begging for it. It's been really great and fun, except one issue. In the beginning he didn't use the litter box, and he was marking all around the house. Not fun. We pretty quickly learned that he needed to be put in "solitary confinement" in the laundry room with everything he needed. Then we intensely cleaned the house. Spot cleaned actually, every single spot he went, found in the dark, by black light. We've been putting him in solitary every overnight since then, but letting him roam most of the house during the day. TK and I have barely left the house this week, partially because I've wanted to keep the cat under my supervision. Today I think we'll leave for a couple hours though, and I intend to check the house again with the aid of the black light after.

It's been a more involved process than we expected for sure. To me, I really like this cat, he's super friendly and tolerant of the kids, so it feels worth it to put in the work to get him there. Nasser was more unsure about getting a cat in the first place, so I think this process has been more disappointing for him, which has in turn, made me feel crappy. I've been feeling judged and slightly ashamed of Nasser's disappointment. And he's just disappointed that it didn't go easier, which is normal. But maybe I'm judging myself. I wanted a cat so badly and now it's been difficult, and I blame myself. Maybe I think Nasser should be blaming me. I don't know.

I am excited and hopeful, and have been for a few days now, that we will get there with this kitty. I'm glad, because he is really pretty great. He is loving, loves to be around us, loves to be pet. He is a little bit of a troublemaker though: he jumps on the table and counters, he tries to run out the doors when we leave or enter the house. They think he's about a year and a half, a gray tabby, and he used to be a stray (they think). If not a stray, I think he used to be an outdoor cat, maybe ran away and was a stray for only a little while. (Because he is so totally interested in the outdoors!). He came to the humane society (where we got him from), with a severe wound above his eye. It looks much better now I guess, but he needed antibiotics, and they think it was from a fight with another cat. Check him out below.

I love the kitty. But it's been stressful. I haven't been blogging. I haven't been getting the best exercise (although I have plans to go for a run with my sister and friend this afternoon). And I've been emotionally eating. Ugh. No wonder I feel down. I guess I'm starting to do the right things again though, right? Starting with the blog. Run in a few hours, shower sometime later. I can do this.

that's me in the corner

Saturday, 02/20/16, 8:49am

I'm in a hole this morning. Apparently scheduling too many commitments in one weekend is a recipe for disaster for me. Want (and need) to back off on some but can't seem to figure out how to do that. Not without feeling like a failure. Not without disappointing people. Not without disappointing myself.

I used to be able to handle a lot of commitments. I guess that was before kids. So it makes sense that it's harder now. But why can't I get my act together when there are things scheduled?

I wish I was stronger. I wish I was less sensitive. I wish I could make a plan and stick to it. I wish I didn't have this stupid depression to interfere with success in life.

I don't know what's going to happen today. I don't know if this panic and depression is going to take over or if my day is still salvageable. I am trying. It may seem to others, especially when I cancel things, that I'm not. But I am.

when I find myself in times of trouble

Wednesday, 02/17/16, 3:01pm

Someone recently referred to my depression as "more severe" (than someone else's). I wasn't offended by the term, just well, curious. I suppose I've never really classified my depression as minor/major/severe/etc. Certainly I am "more severe" than some, but less severe than others. I get my bad moments, mornings, evenings, whole days. Sometimes, like a few days ago, it can last over a 2-day stretch, but that is more rare. Some people who suffer from depression go for much much longer stretches, weeks on end where it takes enormous effort to get out of bed. From my point of view, that sounds so so hard, and I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. But in general I guess, we, as a human race, handle what we're dealt. Before I was diagnosed with depression, it never occurred to me that I could handle a mental illness, but I do. I do it every day in the preventative things I do (therapy, meds, exercise, blogging, mindfulness). And when I'm dealt with an episode, I (and Nasser usually) have to handle it because it's there.

It's almost a little hard to blog right now, because my last post had me in such a terrible state. I feel a little embarrassed and ashamed after putting all that out there. But I guess I "dared greatly" by putting it out there, right?

I do wonder sometimes about putting all this out there. I wonder sometimes if I'm constantly repeating myself, because I do go through cycles. I have an episode, I recover, I reflect, I hopefully learn, and I continue. But it's not like the episodes stop, or I suspect, ever will. I've recently read in a couple different articles about people with mental illness being "in recovery". And I wonder what that means with regards to someone like me. Everytime I get an episode, am I "out of recovery"? I suppose you can take different meanings from it. Maybe an episode only qualifies as "out of recovery" if I have suicidal thoughts? Or maybe I was only "out of recovery" when I spent time in the hospital?

In general, I guess I would call myself "in recovery" because for me, it is decently well managed. I am not without my episodes, but I keep chugging along. If you look at who I am today versus who I was when I was first diagnosed, I may not appear too different from the outside, but I've changed a lot. I continually add to my toolbox of coping skills (for which I did not even have a toolbox when I was first diagnosed, or at least not one I ever consciously thought about). I am at a point where I try to help others with similar conditions. Because mental illness is so stigmatized and not talked about, the most important coping mechanism, having a good support network (family, friends, mental health professionals), is greatly hurt. We need to talk about this more because the best way to support someone is to make sure they know you're there for them. (All you wonderful people in my life who have recently opened up to me about your own struggles with a mental illness, I do hope you all know that I am here for you, whenever you need.) How can you show support if we don't talk about it?

But that damn stigma. We need everyone to understand that it is not weak to struggle with depression or anxiety or emotional eating or substance abuse or schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever the name we attach to these mental illnesses. It is not weak to need help in these struggles. It is not weak to need or want to go to therapy. It is not weak to need medicine in the treatment of a mental illness. (Seriously, why do people still think that and judge others or themselves for needing antidepressants or the like????)

Mental illness is not weak.

I don't belong here

Monday, 02/15/16, 5:15pm

I don't want to blog. Really I want to do nothing. I want to not exist. I want to never have existed.

I'm not quite sure what happened. I know that little things have triggered me over the last two days, and I'm feeling angry, hurt, ashamed, unloved, stupid. I feel like I'm the scum of the earth.

I feel like I should not exist.

Again, I don't want to blog. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think this might help, but I also don't want anything to help. I want to wallow. I want to cry. I want to feel the punishment of my existence. Because that's what this feels like. I am scum so I deserve to feel this way. I'm not strong enough, I don't want to be better enough; and therefore, this is my punishment.

Oh fuck.

This feels like shit.

I am not weak.

I am not scum.

I don't deserve to feel this way. This is not a challenge given to me from God. This is a sucky disease. I am not depressed because I'm not strong enough or not good enough. Depression is not some thing or mood you can will yourself out of. Mental illness is not some thing or mood you can will or pray yourself out of.

I think I'm through the worst of it now. But I still don't want to blog.

Get through the rest of today. Maybe no full recovery today, but that's ok. Survive.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Sunday, 02/14/16, 10:30pm

Oh Sunday night. Oh you dear frustrating old friend. I should call you a friend, rather than an enemy, because maybe that will lessen the negative feelings I have around Sunday night.

Our weekend ski trip to Steamboat Springs is coming to an end. It's been wonderfully fun through most of it, stressful at times which is to be expected when traveling and trying to fit in a lot of activities, but as usual, at the end, the stress came crashing down for me. Tonight it hit as I was trying to get us ready for heading over to dinner at the other condo. (We were 7 families staying among 2 different condos, very close to eachother). It's so hard when it hits and I have to or really want to recover. Recovering is so. freakin. hard.

But I'm not going to make this post all about the bad. I'm going to leave with some highlights of the skiing days and get myself to bed. Because in the end, it's ok. I made it through, with help from Nasser and friends, and although this happens, this is life with depression. Shit just happens sometimes, right?

RG and his cousin, A, racing

Nasser and brother-in-law, Peter, racing

TK and his cousin, D, skiing

little one, when you play, pay no heed what they say

Wednesday, 02/10/16, 11:19am

Today is better.

I didn't go to bed as early as I should have, and I didn't wake up early to work out like I should have, but it's ok. I'm limiting the commitments for today, although I realized the stickers on our car are expired, so taking care of that got added to today's list.

One of my issues yesterday was really struggling with RG to get him to do some homework. He was in a bit of a procrastinating mood, saying he was "too tired" to do homework, but of course he wasn't too tired to run around the house with TK.

Have I mentioned before that RG has ADHD? I don't think I have. He does. I think we realized something wasn't quite right early, like when he was 3 or 4 years old. I was at home with TK and him when RG was about 3.5 until almost 4.5. It was a big struggle. There was a lot of defiance stuff going on at that age too, but there was something not right with being able to follow directions and listen, etc, etc. He went to 2 different preschools when he was 4 and both made comments of, "have you considered getting him tested/checked out?" When we got to a point, maybe age 5 ish, just before starting kindergarten, we took him to a neuropsychologist for some rigorous testing. He was too early for a diagnosis but a few things were off and signs were leading to ADHD. Kindergarten and half of 1st grade were a major struggle. Every report card showed him as "unable to focus", "does not complete his work", etc, etc. We finally took him back to the neuropsychologist at age 6.5, halfway through 1st grade, and he got the clear diagnosis.

Throughout the struggles of kindergarten and 1st grade, the teachers made exceptional effort to make accommodations for RG in the classroom: wearing noise cancelling headphones, sitting him away from the children who especially distract him, modifying his worksheets to provide him with shorter spurts of work, etc. His 1st grade teacher was wonderful in all the effort she put in. During 1st grade she worked closely with the school psychologist and social worker to observe him in class, take data on his attention span and the accommodations she was making. After we got the diagnosis and the data from the teacher (showing basically that with all accommodations, he could only stay on task for something like 5 minutes, where they were aiming for 12. 5 minutes was with near constant prompting), we had an appointment with RG's pediatrician. After looking at the data, she said "ok, I think it's time we try something else."

So we started the medication process.

There is such a stigma out there about medicating children, about medicating ADHD specifically, that I had a hard time when that was the clear path. Sure we could have tried more with homeopathic type, changing our diets, etc, but that's not me. Personally, I don't think RG's ADHD is caused by the red dye he gets in his processed food.

Back to the whole medication thing, I don't regret it at all.

We had about a month of trying out medications, changing dosages, but once we found the right one.... WOW. I've heard stories like this, but.... WOW. I worked closely with RG's teacher during this time since most of the medications last about 8 hours in your system. Thus, if we gave him his medicine in the morning, it would be mostly worn off by the time he got home. Once we got on the right one, she saw huge differences in his focus and attention in the classroom. And since then, school has been a complete turnaround. We've especially noticed it this year with a new teacher, new classroom dynamic, reading really clicked for him this year, and I'm now at home. I think all those things have really helped him.

Now I should also mentioned that we do play therapy as well for RG. We aren't really a "meds only" type of household.

RG's report card this year said things like "completes his work before he plays", "attentive", etc.

When the pediatrician first prescribed the medication, we talked in depth about whether or not we'd want to try and take him off the meds in the future. It's something we can continually revisit. Since the meds only last the 8 hours and don't accumulate in your system, you don't have to wean and you can quickly see results of either being on or off the meds. We don't always give him his meds on the weekends, partially because we forget, partially because it's nice to save them for school days, and partially because they are not without side effects. RG's meds give him a low appetite and make it harder to sleep. We combat the sleep problem with melatonin (also ok'ed by the pediatrician) and the appetite thing is often a struggle. When he doesn't take his meds though, we see the difference. And he doesn't do as well at school when he misses his meds. It doesn't happen very often, but we're working on trying to make sure it never happens. Yesterday, we forgot to give him his meds, and he ended up staying in for recess because he didn't finish his work during class. I'm sure if we had realized that we forgot to give him his meds and gave the teacher a heads up that he might be less attentive that day, she'd make an exception. But how was she supposed to know?

With RG's ADHD, homework feels like a big struggle a lot of times. This is really his first year with homework, which I love about his school, but it's been a transition. Luckily they make it as easy a transition as possible. He is supposed to aim for 8 or more stars per week. 20 minutes of reading = 1 star. Then there are lots of other activities they could do: spelling, math on the online math programs, sometimes they get an actual math assignment. RG does really well with the reading part of homework, and I think the highest he ever got was 16 stars in a week. Right now, I think we haven't been as good about having lots of book options in the house from the library, so TK and I remedied that this morning. See options below.

Now I really need to stop blogging and get on with my list for today. Too much to do, too little time.

what the hell am I doing here?

Tuesday, 02/09/16, 8:11pm

I don't want to blog but I'm going to try. I want to feel better, and not like a failure.

I am missing choir rehearsal right now. Because when it came time to leave for it, I freaked out. I had an anxiety attack followed by a depression attack that was much related to the shame of the anxiety attack.

This week is busy. And it kinda feels like I keep adding things to this week, or needing to back off on many things this week, and I then feel like a failure. I feel like the juggling metaphor and the few balls that I haven't already dropped are in the air and I'm desperately trying to catch them as they come down.

It's not that bad. I don't have that much to do. But apparently it's more than I can handle and it makes me feel ashamed that I'm not handling it well.

So now the question becomes, do I back off on going to the Denver Art Museum with friends tomorrow, attending the PTO meeting in the afternoon so that I can report on box tops totals which I've spent the last week counting, and then prepping our house to get cleaned on Thursday? Do I back off on every activity or just 1 or 2 or do I go for totally taking the pressure off and back off on all? I guess we'll wait and see how I'm feeling about it in the morning. Besides all those optional activities, Nasser has his HOA meeting tomorrow night, I have to get 3 prescriptions filled before the weekend, and I need to pack so we can leave by 3pm Thursday afternoon for a weekend in the mountains, skiing. Oh right, don't forget all the laundry I need to finish in order to pack. Oh and I'm sure there are several other things I need to do but they're just floating around in my head and I'm not remembering them at the moment.

I guess I need a list. Hmmmm.

Item number 1. Make list. Item number 2. Go to bed early. Item number 3. Wake up early and workout. Item number 4. Go from there. (If numbers 2 and 3 don't happen, skip several activities tomorrow to get that workout in.)

I guess I've got a little more focus now from the overwhelming feeling. That's something, right?

she's running to stand... still

Sunday, 02/07/16, 11:19am

Apparently I set myself a self-destructive trap. As usual, I set high expectations for Nasser coming home and the day after he gets back being perfect. And the kids being perfect and happy because Daddy's home. And now here I am, we got in some stupid fight, Nasser is on edge because of the jetlag, and I'm left feeling like the scum of the earth and I want today to just go away.

I was excited about today. About Nasser being home, about the Superbowl (even though I'm not really into football), about it being a weekend day, about fitting in a run (yeah, when's that going to happen now?), about making a lovely lactose free queso for Nasser (crap we still need to go to the store for ingredients).

I don't know how to salvage it. Everyone is in a crappy mood now, maybe except for RG.

I guess I need to work on me first. Ugh that sounds hard. I want to just succumb to the tears and break down by myself upstairs. And maybe I still need to give in to that for some amount of time. Or maybe I could try the run. It's hard to not feel guilty about going for a run though when Nasser is feeling jetlagged. Is everything just going to be worse if I leave and will the benefits of the run be totally diminished by the lack of control we seem to have over today?

Sigh.

Today won't be perfect. We always hit some speed bumps when Nasser comes back from a trip. Maybe the kids and I got used to a routine while he was gone and that gets thrown off. Maybe we expect Daddy to be perfectly refreshed and energetic when he comes back, but that's almost never the case. If anything, usually he's tired out from late night or early morning travel (or, you know, 27 hours of long flights and airports from India), and usually he will have worked a TON on his trip and will be additionally exhausted from that. But then I have these expectations that he'll be ready to spend ALL day with the kids, I'll get lots of me time, we'll have perfect family moments. I don't know. It's all ridiculous. And in reality, we're all exhausted from the week, RG and TK (and I) have all kinds of things we want to catch Daddy up on, and there's never enough time or energy.

It'll be fine. The day isn't shot. My attitude was for awhile. But it will be fine.

no storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging

Saturday, 02/06/16, 11:45am, 1:06pm, 5:30pm

Nasser comes home tonight. :) :) :) :)

He is currently on a plane from London to Phoenix; he's been traveling since yesterday evening (our time).

Today is a little more hectic since I'm watching 2 of my nephews. My sister, Vida, and my brother-in-law, Jeff, have to move out of their old house today (they are in the process of building a new home, living at my parents' house in the meantime). Watching the nephews is going pretty well though, really, since all the kids get along well most of the time. I gotta watch for any conflicts, of course, and help switch activities every so often. Trying to avoid screens being all day as well. And of course, it's going well enough really that I am blogging. Not something I could have done if they were all just a few years younger.

I had a friend ask me about mindfulness recently. It felt a little wrong, someone else asking me for advice on something therapy/mindfulness/depression/anxiety related. But those of us who suffer and have learned ways of coping can share with others. Of course that doesn't work if we're suffering in silence. That's one of the things I've really appreciated about the blog. It has opened up communication with friends who suffer and we've started to band together. Of course, it's not really a community of people suffering since I'm the center person who knows everyone else but everyone else doesn't know eachother. It's a community for me since I can talk to everyone else. So I like it. :)

Before I get more in depth about mindfulness, I want everyone to take a deep breath and open your mind a little to the idea of mindfulness. I think mindfulness can get a negative connotation in our society, strictly due to the stigmas around mental illness and therapy (have I mentioned before how much I hate the stigma?? Oh yeah, here, here, and here for just a few examples). It's easy to say mindfulness is part of the foo-fooey, self-help, therapy, hippy culture. It's easy to think, I don't need that crap, I'm not weak, words can't hurt me, I don't care what other people think. But that's the stigma talking. It's not weak to want to better yourself; in fact, that requires you to taking chances, to become vulnerable and put yourself out there. And living life mindfully brings you more present to the moment; it allows you to enjoy the smaller things, the day to day, a little more fully. At least in my humble opinion. For me, mindfulness helps prevent depressive and anxiety episodes. I can also use mindfulness techniques, such as deep, mindful breathing, in the moment and help myself calm down and avoid the "fight or flight" response.

I shared with my friend some of the techniques I use for mindfulness (which I think of as a preventative treatment) and coping mechanisms (which I think of as acute treatment, more like a band aid).

Before I share with all of you, I did want to point out a few websites for those starting from scratch.

Of course, Wikipedia has a great mindfulness page. The Mayo Clinic provides some description of mindfulness, as well as a brief listing of example methods. Nasser recommends Jon Kabat-Zinn, the man who popularized mindfulness in the West (at least according to the Wikipedia page on mindfulness, as referenced above), for some book or video references. In doing a quick "mindfulness exercises" Google search, I came across this website, and liked the look of it. I need to spend more time on it to fully check out their resources. Really you can find an abundance of information on the web for this.

Here are some of the mindfulness exercises I use:

• deep breathing/ yoga breathing (there are more techniques out there if you're a process person, such as breathing to this graphic, Dr Weil has a few methods, and there's plenty more found in a Google search)
• becoming "present". notice the things around you: paint color on the wall, wood grain in the floor, how you're sitting, how your feet are touching the floor; notice the air and smells around you.
• "awaken the senses" (as the Mayo Clinic calls it on their page). pop a mint or even gum. notice the taste and feel on your tongue or the roof of your mouth. take at least 30 seconds to notice everything about the mint- the smells, the tastes, the textures.

Here are some of the coping mechanisms I use during a depression/anxiety attack:

• thought record sheet (this one is good)
• coming up with a balanced thought, think about the evidence again the triggering thought (ex. my balanced thought for many of my triggering thoughts, "I'm a good mother, who struggles sometimes."
• imagine a soothing river/brook. pluck each negative/triggering thought out of your head and place it on a leaf that you place in the water. watch as it floats away. ("I'm a bad mother"- pluck that away and watch it float away. "I'm not successful enough"- same thing. "I really messed up"- again.)
• picture a force field surrounding you. when someone says some negative at you, you can choose what you let through the force field and what gets bounced away.
• distraction. sometimes this is the only thing that works and that's ok. for me, watching a favorite show or movie act as great distractions.
• share your experience. explain to someone close to you what you're feeling.
• journal. write about your experience.

I plan to come back to these lists regularly and update as I learn more. I am continually learning more.

I wish I was with them again

Thursday, 02/04/16, 10:06am (10:36pm in Hyderabad, India)

Nasser and I will be doing video chat in just a few minutes but I thought I'd take the time waiting to start my blog. I'm actually also in the middle of a workout but I'll get back to that after the video chat. Such is life when I gotta take the calls to India every chance I get.

This morning is my aunt's funeral. I sent flowers yesterday on behalf of my siblings and I. Made me feel slightly better even though I can't be there. This is the first blood aunt or uncle to die in my family. This aunt's ex-husband (my uncle by marriage) died of cancer while I was in college. And my aunt (wife of my Dad's brother) died of cancer (yeah, cancer again, what the hell?) 5 years ago. My grandparents have all passed now. But I don't like these cancer odds, for one, and I don't like all this hitting of my parents' generation. It sucks.

I think more recently, mental illness has taken the priority over as my "cause" in life. But cancer comes as a close second and has for a long time. I have too many friends who have lost one or both parents to cancer, way too young. Certain cancers kinda run in my family too, like colon cancer, stomach cancer, potentially ovarian. Ugh, it sucks.

Video chat finished up and I think I actually succeeded at talking to Nasser about most of the things I wanted to. TK was busy on the tablet while I was working out and for part of the video chat so I actually got to talk to him. Yeah, sometimes I gotta put myself first over avoiding screens. That's what I do when I haven't gotten a workout for 2 days, or a shower for that matter. Or when I really need to blog. Sigh.

Shorter post for now. Need to get moving on either finishing up that workout or just getting in the shower.

so kiss me and smile for me

Wednesday, 02/03/16, 9:10pm

Is it only Wednesday? Nasser is already into Thursday, but paying so much attention to what he's doing and talking, if only briefly, mornings and nights, makes for a weird experience. The days feel really long and overlapped.

I know it sounds like we're talking a lot, but our timing isn't aligning well to really talk. We're talking mid-mornings, after RG is off to school, and TK and I chat with Daddy before he goes to bed. But I have TK with me, so we don't talk about our stuff. Stuff throughout the day where I'm like, oh I need to talk to Nasser about this, but then it's either something too substantial to talk about when kids are around or I forget about it. I need to start a running list of things I need to talk about with Nasser. Anyway. He goes to bed and his night is the majority of our day. Then we try to talk a little after he wakes up in the morning while we're finishing up dinner and starting bedtime stuff. Tonight (or tomorrow depending on which way you look at it) he slept in more than usual, and we were most of the way through bedtimes. We did a quick video chat so Daddy could say "goodnight" to the boys and the boys could say "have a good day" to Daddy.

Now, the boys are in bed and I actually have time where I could talk to Nasser, but he's with his boss, walking to work, work doesn't have private rooms to do a video chat from, and he's actually been really busy at work the last couple days. We did a quick Google Hangouts audio call (I love Google) with Nasser standing outside I believe. But then TK woke up all grumpy and interrupted the call. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, after breaking down into tears when we realized that there wasn't a good way to video chat tonight. I felt trapped.

Wow. I know, I'm super dependent on Nasser, but he also is the only one who has been there through almost every depressive episode in some way, either on the phone or in person. He's the only one I completely trust to get me through it, and the only one who I don't feel like I need to hide some of the ugliness from, at all. I suppose I probably should feel differently about that since I've said some pretty horrible stuff to Nasser when I've been low, but I also need him.

It's not to say that I don't have support. I have a lot of it. Just today a friend told me I could call if ever I need to. And I so appreciate all the support. But it's also really really really hard for me to reach out to anyone other than Nasser. So hard. I think the few times I have, I've never actually phoned anyone. It's only ever been over text or email. I can't really talk on the phone when I'm in that state. Like can't physically talk on the phone. Or in person. Without total breakdown, bawling, etc.

I guess that's why I've switched to reaching out through my blog. I can write and no one has to look at me, see my tears or tired eyes or the fact that I haven't changed my clothes since after showering last night. Oh I hope I can get a shower in tomorrow. More importantly, a workout in before the shower.

I guess the blog is really just me getting myself through it. It's just that writing seems to be the best tool I can use to get through it. When I was talking about Nasser being there for me all the time, I realized the other person to be there for me all the time?- yeah, it's me. That's pretty awesome really.

4 days down, 3 to go. More than halfway through.

it's a beautiful day, don't let it get away

Tuesday, 02/02/16, 1:33pm, 2:47pm, 4:48pm, 6:13pm

Man it's been too long since I've blogged. It's been, what, four days, and part of me is like, wow, that is kinda a lot, but it probably doesn't sound like much to others. I guess it has been this regular activity in my life for the past couple months, and I know, very clearly now, and have for awhile, that it's a critical activity to keep regular. I don't do as well when I don't blog.

I think I had a bit of a "vulnerability hangover" (another term from Daring Greatly by Brené Brown) after sharing my depression and blog with my book club. A "vulnerability hangover" refers to how you feel after opening yourself up to someone, after daring greatly. There's a lot of feelings there. For me, I question whether or not I should have shared so much. I wonder if I shared too much. I questioned my blog and wondered if it really helps me. Or is it just another form of social media that can be toxic, like facebook (which I've stupidly rejoined- see my struggles about that here)?

But today as I started the blog post (and suddenly I realize it's been over an hour since I started because I was with the kids for awhile), I felt a sense of relief, of comfort, of coming home. I love my blog, even when I only write about how much I love it, and it helps me. It gives me something to hold on to.

My aunt died Sunday night. We knew it was going to happen, but then it really did. And there is no possible way for me to attend the wake and funeral. My sister, Vida, and brother, Andrew, will be able to make it out for the funeral at least, with a really quick trip. I feel so helpless here.

Nasser is in India; we've been video chatting with him most mornings and nights, at least briefly, during his nights and mornings. It's been really nice that we've been able to talk to him that often, although video chat can be challenging with the kids. They like to get silly and make faces since they can see themselves. Or they get bored with the video chat which makes me feel really bad. Today was a snow day so we actually got to talk to Nasser all together mid-morning when he was finally getting ready for bed. I think it's like a 12.5 hour time difference, which is a bit mind boggling to me. This morning, Tuesday night for him, he was the one who commented that I haven't been blogging, perhaps I should? Hence here I am, now 3 hours after I started this post. I guess that's how it is with kids.

Today turned out to be an ok day. When I talked with Nasser this morning, I was telling him how I've been not doing great, and I haven't felt productive, haven't worked out really. Since then though, I shoveled a LOT of snow with some help from the kids, we (mostly I) did a dance party for awhile, boys did light saber battles, they video chatted with their cousins, and we sledded.

We got about 12-14 inches of snow last night...

I haven't gotten a dedicated workout today, but between the shoveling, dance party, and sledding, I feel like I got a decent amount of activity in. For this week, it's gonna have to do. My expectations always have to lower when Nasser is out of town.

3 days down, 4 more to go. We can do this.