and I say, hey hey hey hey, I said hey, what's going on?

Saturday, 11/04/17, 2:42pm, 4:40pm

It's been... hard... to get myself to blog again. I had started a blog post last Saturday, wrote some more on Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and never finished it. Finally I decided to just start a brand-new post and only include what I really wanted to from what I'd already written.

Things haven't been too great. In Daylio, my mood tracking app that I use every day (I'm on a 90-something day streak right now), most of the last week has either been "meh" or "fugly", at the 3 and 4 out of 5 level, where 5 is worst. I had treatment this past Monday, which normally makes me feel a bit better, but it didn't this time. And we decided not to spread the treatments out more at this time, since I did have a worse week the second week, during this past 2 week spread between treatments. We're making some minor changes in medications- I stopped the anti-psychotic I was on due to the results we just got from genetic testing (mainly that those medications aren't really expected to work based on my genes and are more likely to have side effects) and we're also upping my anti-depressant. It'll be a few weeks before we can expect any change due to upping the anti-depressant, but I also really hope that doesn't mean that the next few weeks are just going to be suck-y. We're also experimenting with having me exercise every day, which has been hard, just in the last 3 days. And it's especially hard that so far, I'm not noticing any big difference in mood despite the 3 day streak on exercise, plus the fact that today was a much more vigorous bit of exercise and I still feel fairly crappy.

I've been frustrated for some time now that I can't seem to get myself reading again. And I haven't figured out whether that's a cognitive problem due to ECT (issues with memory still and cognitively understanding things) or if it's an issue with motivation and depression (which could be since it feels like I want to want to read, but don't necessarily want to read). But maybe it's an issue with both. Here's my book pile near my side of the bed:

Today, I attempted to read some Pride and Prejudice since I had thought that it might be better reading something that wasn't new and wasn't something that I felt I should remember, but didn't. I thought it would read easy because I do remember it. But I couldn't get through more than the first chapter so far, and even that came slowly, and it almost seemed like it was harder with the language, maybe cognitively speaking. Of course that was a bit of a downer and made me feel dumb, so that probably didn't help my mood.

But then I switched to a different book that I've been wanting to feel comfortable reading... I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" by Brené Brown. Do you remember me going nuts over Brené Brown some time ago?? I've only actually read one of her books- Daring Greatly- but I've felt for awhile that the title of this other book speaks rather perfectly to me. Anyway, I finally started this book, after the Pride and Prejudice attempt, and succeeded in reading a lot more than I expected.

The first chapter is called "Understanding Shame" and I didn't get through the whole thing, but it also didn't really make me feel much better, since I kinda think shame is my biggest issue with my depression. Of course a big part of this book is "shame resilience" so I need to get through a lot more of it to get to the point of feeling better.

But then, reading this book is also what got me more interested in writing a blog post. I have some things from it I want to share. Brené talks about wanting to develop a definition of shame as a first goal.

"When I asked the research participants to define shame for me, they either gave me their personal definition or they shared an experience as an example. Here are some of their definitions:

• Shame is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that is dark and hurts like hell. You can't talk about it and can't articulate how bad it feels because then everyone would know your 'dirty little secret.'
• Shame is being rejected.
• You work hard to show the world what it wants to see. Shame happens when your mask is pulled off and the unlikable parts of you are seen. It feels unbearable to be seen.
• Shame is feeling like an outsider - not belonging.
• Shame is hating yourself and understanding why other people hate you too.
• I think it's about self-loathing.
• Shame is like a prison. But a prison that you deserve to be in because something's wrong with you.
• Shame is being exposed - the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed. You want to hide or die."

Then she talks about compiling the definitions and coming up with a conceptual definition:

  

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."

For me, ever since I discovered that Nasser and I were pregnant with RG, out of wedlock, I felt immense shame. Telling every single person that I had to tell, I felt overwhelming shame. Even now, when someone who doesn't know our history finds out that we were already pregnant when we got married, I still feel shame. Even though I don't wish to, don't truly feel that I deserve to, don't think worse of other people who have sex before marriage, don't think worse of other people who get pregnant before marriage. And yet it's still fucking there.

I feel shame about my depression and yet I still write about it and share openly with others, in general, because I think that there shouldn't be shame when it comes to mental illness. I was getting bloodwork yesterday, as prescribed from the ECT doctor, and the technician asked if I'm an employee for Boulder Community (because the paperwork said Boulder Community Hospital due to the association the ECT facility has with the hospital) and I said no, and then I honestly explained how actually I'm going through electro-convulsive therapy right now and they are located in the hospital. My honesty, unfortunately, simply led to some awkwardness with the tech.

Ugh, it's hard to not feel shame about depression when there still feels like a big sense of not belonging in many groups. Like I try to be open and honest about it, but it often feels like a fair number of people are less interested in talking with me because of that. Or at least a lot of people still feel uncomfortable talking about mental illness, and maybe I force people into those conversations more than they'd like because it's currently the overwhelming thing in my life. Really though, it feels like I can't win.

So, back to what we started off talking about, the medication changes and the exercise experiment... if these things don't really make a big difference for me, then we're probably going to be trying a 2-3 ECT treatment burst, kinda to jumpstart the getting better thing again. And this whole idea scares me. The idea of going through another mini-acute phase feels like a big setback, and it kinda feels like failure on my part (because I tend to put everything on my shoulders). And it also just feels like we're never going to be done with ECT. And as much as I feel like I have gotten significantly better with ECT, I do really want to be done.

Man, I kinda just want to scream out, I'M SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED WITH DEPRESSION! IT SUCKS SO FUCKING MUCH AND I AM SO FUCKING DONE! Because it's true.

I read an article, well most of an article, yesterday about a woman, a mother, and how much it sucks to have a mother who suffers from a severe mental illness and won't treat it. Her mother has schizoaffective disorder, which basically means she has symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. It was difficult to get through this article, because it made me wonder if this is how my kids will think of me someday. Like what if eventually I do give up on treatment because after however many years it just doesn't work for me? Because I truly am treatment-resistant? It just made me feel incredibly sad and helpless and hopeless.

I suppose I'm not doing very much in this blog post to give hope to others, and I apologize for that. It's my own lack of hope speaking up really loudly. And I know I need to move past that lack of hope in myself and just create it again, right? So maybe we'll write some things.

Hope statements:

• Despite all the treatment attempts and failures, my doctors continue to work at solving and fixing this depression I have. They have not given up yet.
• As frustrating as each depressive episode/rut/dip is, I'm still here and still fighting. I've gotten through so much already, I can keep fighting.
• As much as the depression can make me feel a lot of hatred towards myself, my husband and children continue to love me, as do so many wonderful, supportive people in my life.
• Nasser, especially, has seen the worst of me, many, many times, and yet, continues to love me so, so much. Despite how difficult and stressful my depression and treatment make life for him, he continues to do everything he can to help me when I'm down.
• My willingness to talk about my mental health and share openly my experiences is a sign of my strength. It's a sign that I do have more shame resilience than I realize about my depression, and it's something that I can continue to share about and hopefully give others some strength and willingness to share.

Not a lot of hope statements, but some at least.

My nurse at treatment on Monday wrote a beautiful note for me that I'm going to share now.

I'm going to keep working on it, and although I haven't felt a significant "I'm better" feeling from the exercise I've managed to do the last 3 days, I need to give myself some credit for having done exercise the last 3 days, despite feeling like crap. I went ahead and did it anyway. 

One more book I wanted to share with you. I finished reading this one this morning, although I had read most of it during the spreading treatments out phase between acute and maintenance, so I don't, unfortunately, remember much of the rest of it. I will have to reread it for sure. It's a book sent to me at the beginning of ECT by my sister-in-law, called The Principles of Uncertainty, by Maira Kalman.

It's a book that's less story, and more reflections and art, which may be better for me right now with my current brain state. Here are a couple sample pages, from near the beginning:

May be a sooner reread than not. Maybe mixed with Brené Brown and Jane Austen, and exercise, maybe this will all help me in the long run. 

All I can do is try, over, and over, and over again, as needed.

my actions make me beautiful and dignify the flesh. me. I am free. free.

Friday, 09/15/17, 11:26am, 1:26pm

Hey everyone. I'm taking some time today to watch and re-watch some Brené Brown videos. Do you remember me talking about Brené Brown some time ago? Here, here, and here, just to name a few. She is a research professor/author/public speaker who has done a lot of work with vulnerability, courage, shame, and empathy. Her TED talks are worth a watch if you've never seen them: on vulnerability and on shame are the original two, but she's got a lot more stuff out there these days, and honestly I'm a bit behind on everything she's put out there. I still love the empathy cartoon she narrates... it's short, you can handle the less than 3 minutes to watch it...

When I wrote about how to support someone with a mental illness, back in May of this year, the big, big thing I talked about was empathy. Empathy doesn't just apply to supporting someone with a mental illness, or any illness; it applies EVERYWHERE in our lives. It applies to making a connection with anyone you meet, whether it's through work, or school, or in our neighborhoods. Whatever community you're in, empathy is useful. Anyway, watch the cartoon short if you haven't yet. I mean it. Seriously. Do it now.

I wanted to discuss in a little more depth about vulnerability. Brené talks about how "vulnerability – the willingness to be 'all in' even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave." And this is based on her research.

I've felt decently good since reading Brené's book Daring Greatly about how vulnerable I really am by being so open about my depression and anxiety, about sharing some really shameful feeling things from my life, and deciding to ignore the stigma that's out there and sharing anyway. I'm certainly not as good at daring greatly as plenty of other people out there, but something recently made me feel good about it again. Last week, we had Back To School Night at our kiddos' elementary school. In fact it was the same day as an ECT treatment, which made it rather hard for me considering headache and fatigue and the desperate desire to just be in bed, but I really wanted to be there. Partially since we have a brand new school building as of this school year so I really wanted to see it a bit more, but also because every new school year there's new things to learn from the new teachers, etc, and whatever else. Well, the new PTO president for this school year was speaking, and I was there, thinking, "OMYGOSH, I totally know her, but I can't think of where I know her from, because of all these damn memory problems from ECT. Well SHIT." And at some point, in passing, she even acknowledged me and was like "hey Alisa, how are you?" So, when I had a chance to actually talk to her one on one, I immediately started with, "So I have to tell you something. I'm going through this big medical treatment right now, and one of the major side effects is short term memory loss. So I know I know you, but I can't think where from. I am so sorry." She, of course, was totally empathetic and immediately told me about how her kid so and so is the same grade as RG, etc, etc. I have to say it didn't even occur to me that saying all this to her was being vulnerable until Nasser labeled it as such, but really, being honest and open about ECT IS being vulnerable. It's not that easy all the time to do so, but I definitely find that being this way has more benefit than not being this way. I mean, I'm getting a rather large amount of support from family, and friends, and neighbors, and how would that be possible if I were super secretive about it? And being vulnerable isn't super easy. I mean, I don't get a response from anyone, most of the time. I write my blog and very rarely get likes, or +1's, or comments, or anything. And that definitely used to bother me, a lot. I feel like blogging in the last few weeks (as I've gotten myself doing more regularly for literally the past 3 weeks) has been different in that sense. I don't feel like I've cared about the response from my blog nearly as much as I used to, and I expect that the difference is because I'm nowhere near as depressed as I used to be. But I do know that it's easy to dip back into caring a lot about that stuff, and I'm trying to keep myself out of that.

There's this Brené Brown book that I started some time ago, but haven't gotten all that far into, and as it turns out, I'm pretty sure I have to simply re-start it because of the memory problems. Here it is:

Isn't that, um, perfect for what I was just talking about? I think this one is going to have a profound effect on me, but, with the treatment, it's been difficult to get myself to get into this book since it feels so self-helpy and all. But, I have to remind myself: this is Brené Brown, I'm going to love it. AND, it will probably help me A TON. Because usually when I'm feeling depressed, it's because I DON'T feel like I'm enough. It's a pretty shitty feeling.

Here was my "start my day off well" activity while at my sister and brother-in-law's house (since my bro-in-law works from home so he can be my 24/7 person pretty easily many days).

I know, I know, I've shared a picture of this mug before, but I still love it so much. And I have to recommend this book to everyone. It's wonderful, and this author uses amazing animal pictures to tell his stories. So great. So so great. I'll share one page from the book:

Heeheehee.

Not that I was having a blue day, really, at all, but that book and mug just put me in an even better mood, which I could always use, right?

I thought up a lot of things I want to do this weekend and put them as possibilities in my calendar. The intent here is to hopefully avoid some of the depression I've been having on weekends by creating some schedule or routine to the weekend, as that was one thought we had as to why this was happening. But I'm aware that if I don't do these, I may end up with more guilt, and therefore, more depression. That's why I'm trying to set the expectation up that all of these are possibilities. We'll see how well I follow that idea.

My next ECT treatment is on Monday, which makes it 12 days (woohoo!). Making progress, at least slowly. Unfortunately, and I didn't even realize this until this week, Monday is also a day off from school for my kids, BUT we are getting loads of help from lots of different family that day to make it all work. Although, really, even if I didn't have treatment on Monday, I'd still need help with my kids because the 24/7 thing makes it so I can't be in charge of my kids on my own anyway. So oh well.

I'm trying to be as brave and accepting of myself as I can be as I go into this weekend. Well, really I guess I'm trying to come up with as many ideas as I can to not be depressed, but maybe what I should be doing is coming up with ideas for if I DO get depressed. Hmmm. Like maybe put some activities on my calendar for "what to do if you're feeling shitty". FYI, I might just have to type that out here, because I am currently blogging and all, so it's kinda the natural thing to do, right?

For when I get depressed, down, or feel bad in any way:

• Take a deep breath, or 100
• Try a downward dog pose, or any other yoga pose (in the safety of my home or with people in a class, but only if I want to)
• Eat a piece of dark chocolate (because dark chocolate can stimulate neurogenesis you know)
• Do jumping jacks for 1 minute, then close eyes and breathe deeply for 10 seconds
• Hug Nasser, RG, and TK
• Lay in the hammock, with some ice cold water, and maybe a book
• Read The Blue Day Book
• Take a short nap, or a long nap, or just lay in bed for a half hour
• Take a sniff of lemon oil because "lemon oil is calming in nature and therefore helps in removing mental fatigue, exhaustion, dizziness, anxiety, nervousness and nervous tension. It has the ability to refresh the mind by creating a positive mindset and eliminating negative emotions." (that's from here)
• Watch a favorite movie, like "The Princess Bride" or one of "Lord of the Rings" or "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" or "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" or "Finding Nemo" or "Toy Story" or something else that I can't think of right now
• Watch a favorite TV show, like "Doctor Who" or "Friends" or "The Magic School Bus" or some nature-y show on Netflix or "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert" or again, something else that I can't think of right now
• Do whatever the hell I want to do

I'll add to the list when I come up with more, but that's a decent start for now. Hopefully it helps if any of that depression comes up this weekend. Wish me luck, all.

but the fire is so delightful

Tuesday, 11/22/16, 8:50am, 10:12am

I haven't wanted to blog. My last two posts were more political, and I'm sure I probably offended somebody. I still stand by how I felt when I wrote them, and I stand by how I still feel. Regardless of how much I get called "crybaby" or "sore loser" or whatever else. There's been a lot of name calling. If you haven't figured out by now that I have some real, pretty valid concerns about the Trump administration and the hate crimes that have been going on, then I suppose you would name call. The same people that name call are the same people that don't listen to other people are the same people who refuse to tap into that empathy that they are born with.

Because I do think to some extent we are born with empathy. Children typically are empathetic. Babies "sympathy cry" with eachother when they're near another baby that cries. And most children stop to comfort when another person is upset or hurt. I think we can always nurture our empathy further, some need to more than others. And at a certain point in life, many people push their empathy away. We are taught that feelings are bad and we should hide them. Men are expected to be "tough guys" and women are taught that crying in public is weak and in order to make it in the working world, we are forced to hide all emotion. Empathy, on the other hand, forces you to face all the emotions. In order to empathize, we must try to feel what someone else is feeling. We recognize a feeling in others and we admit that yes we have felt this before in this instance or whatever and we allow ourselves to feel some semblance of that emotion again.

Let's do a quick refresher on empathy. You all remember Brené Brown, right? Here again is that empathy cartoon she narrates that's always worth re-watching.

Brené says that you must be vulnerable in order to be empathetic. You must feel a little of what the other person is feeling, and that's not easy. Most people don't want to be upset and avoid it at all costs. So it ends up beings difficult to try and gain support from others when things aren't going your way. You see this on platforms such as facebook. It's those new baby, new job, new house, amazing vacation posts that get the most attention. People generally scroll past the things that bother them or make them uncomfortable or bring up feelings that force them to be vulnerable. And I suppose that's somewhat fair since most people are turning to facebook to get some sort of mindless break from reality. (I'm not dissing those that spend time on facebook, I do it too, a lot). I'm not sure I use facebook the same way as the general population. I have "liked" so many different news organizations, professional athletes, people like Brené Brown and Cheryl Strayed and Glennon Doyle Melton, my favorite senators, comedians, NAMI, etc that I get a lot more out of my facebook experience (I feel) than just catching up on all my friends' lives. Lately I've additionally appreciated the support from politically like-minded people there. Not to go on a tangent about facebook, but there are some good things about it.

We are spending this Thanksgiving week in Steamboat Springs, as a break from life and work and school and commitments and reality. Adam's (Nasser's brother, who as you may recall, passed away in May) birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, mine two days later, and we are expecting both to be potential triggers. The place we've got is super nice, 2 bdrm, 2 bathroom, great amount of space for us, has a hot tub, and it's super convenient to the free shuttle. We actually did take that shuttle yesterday into town to go to the hot springs pools. There's a climbing wall, coming out of one of the pools, in 10ft deep water, that RG and I attempted, but never accomplished, several times. Nasser, of course, rang the bell at the top on his first try. His extra height is what helped him so much; that's my story at least.

So far though, we haven't done much. We've each done a lot of what we each want to do. There's been a fair amount of video games as well as some house design planning,

TK and I are the only ones to have tried the hot tub so far- it's awesome though, RG and I played Ticket to Ride yesterday,

Nasser and I played Red 7 the day before, the boys have been trying out the Playstation 3 that's in the master bedroom.

We've all been eating and relaxing A LOT.

We have a few more things we may do, although some are dependent on the snow conditions on the mountain (the ski resort is supposed to open officially to the public on Thursday, but we'll see if that happens), we have lots more board games to try (several that Nasser and I enjoy but haven't attempted with the kids yet), more hot springs to potentially check out, and more relaxing to do. I like this trip so far.

Today's view.

Also my children truly are Colorado kids. This is how they dressed for the road trip to get here.

lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend

Monday, 06/20/16, 11:33am

Today's post is my 100th post. In about 7.5 months. I can't figure out if that feels like a lot or a little.

I told Nasser I want to make a mini cake for my 100th post. :) Somehow diet friendly.

I feel good about how far I've come in my blog.

The blog is a comfortable place for me to return to day in and day out. There aren't many days where I don't look at my blog or think about it in some way. Whether it's to think, ooo, I should write a blog post about what just happened, or if it's in a depressive episode, using my writing therapy to crawl back out of the hole.
I say crawl, not climb, (although I certainly picture these holes as having gravity) because in those moments, there is nothing that feels strong or heroic. Sometimes I look at my blog to reread old posts, and sometimes a friend sends me a note about my blog.

So far I've felt really good about sharing my blog more widely. I feel so honest and open. I know that this blog holds some of my deepest pains and yet I've chosen to share it with all who would read it. Brené Brown, writes about a "vulnerability hangover". I don't think I've quite gotten there yet but I still have time to royally freak out.

The support thus far has all been positive and caring and heartfelt. It warms my heart and I truly get why Brené says that vulnerability is key to wholehearted living. (If you don't know who Brené is, go to my last post for her empathy cartoon and a link to more on her).

My last post, I think, was the first post where I didn't mention Adam. Long term readers know Adam is Nasser's brother, who was killed last month. I still think about him every day, but I felt guilty that I didn't when writing my last post. And then there's a part of me that realizes that's ok.

Thank you, all you fine readers out there for following my life with depression. We've all come a long way since my first post.

I'll leave you with a lovely shot of the cherries I picked off our tree this morning. Today it's fight the birds day, when they're the ripest they'll be before we lose them to the animals.

And looking up into the tree yesterday morning.

threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light. shine on you crazy diamond.

Saturday, 06/18/16, 11:52pm/ Sunday, 06/19/16, 1:09am (it got late!)

I am not perfect. I am not perfect.

I can never be perfect.

Perfection is an illusion, an idea that doesn't actually exist, at least anywhere on earth. Human beings have yet to find perfection and yet to achieve perfection. I'd be tempted to say that math and science are perfect but then you have things that exist like irrational numbers and genetic mutations.

Some would say God is perfect. God, gods, Allah, whatever you call this being. Could be. But maybe perfection cannot exist, even for a god. I think the God I believe in is perfect. The God I believe in is not jealous, is not hateful, is not spiteful, does not favor one over another, and is pure.

I did a lot today. Audra joined me on my full brick workout this morning. ~20mi biking, much of it along US 36 between Boulder and Denver, along the new bike path,

AND almost 3mi running. Although could you call it running? It was a rather slow pace. But Audra is always kind enough to go at my speed (hah, she thought I was going at her speed when she was pushing the double stroller with two 30-40lb kids?). It felt great to get that much exercise in and feel more confident about this upcoming triathlon.

I also got my hair dyed. I wasn't quite sure what color I was going with when I walked in, but it ended up a red again. There's supposed to be a violet tint, which I can tell in certain lights. PS, I am not naked in these photos. The tank straps are behind all that lovely, gorgeous hair. Hah.

I had some really good friend time (you all remember Nasser and the boys are outta town right? Hence all the me time) this evening with 2 different friends,

and

I shared my blog on facebook.

(It is my personal jab at facebook that I refuse to capitalize their name on my blog. Even though Google tells me it's spelled wrong. I love facebook and I hate facebook. And I suppose I might hate that I love it sometimes too.)

I've been thinking about doing this for a very long time actually. And I finally decided to take the plunge today. I've mostly been avoiding looking on facebook since posting it, but I have checked (and read and commented) a few times.

There are lots of reasons I decided to do it. And in the end it felt like there was more to gain than to lose. I could bare my vulnerability to the world and dare greatly, as Brené Brown puts it (hey readers, remember her?), although the true credit for the phrase goes to Theodore Roosevelt. The part of his speech she quoted in the book, the famous part, I'll paste below, from "Citizenship in a Republic":

"It is not the critic who counts; 

not the man who points out 

how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds 

could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, 

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; 

who strives valiantly; 

who errs, who comes short again and again, 

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; 

but who does actually strive to do the deeds; 

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; 

who spends himself in a worthy cause; 

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, 

and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

It is excruciatingly hard to be vulnerable. To share your story, share your pain. I do so only behind the safety of my Chromebook.

But I think the more we do so, the more we bring empathy into the world. And just in case I have any new readers who've never seen it, please check out the empathy cartoon below. It is still useful to those of us who have seen it many times. I will watch it with you now.

I think the best way to practice empathy is to share our stories and listen to each other's stories. You can never have the empathy if you don't listen as well. I hope I do so with my friends and loved ones. I try to.

Some people say the key to stopping mass shootings is to enact some gun control, others say we need more God in the world. Still others say we need to crack down on terrorism, while others say we need love. I think a big part of the equation is empathy. If you can empathize with others, you start to value each other more. You value human life more, you value working together more. You value your planet more, and you value your fellow human beings' rights and freedoms more. I think empathy is the key to it all. Here's my equation:

X (empathy) + y (love/morals/values/God) + z (reasonable limits on what weapons go into the power of what people, at all levels of society- civilian up through presidents/dictators) = a safer and happier world with fewer wars and deaths of all kind

don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Wednesday, 05/04/16, 9:58am, 12:32pm,

I'm watching my nephew for much of the day today, and yet it's almost easier to attempt to blog when TK has a playmate. We'll see if I can fit it all in. What I have to blog about today has been on my mind for some time and requires some extra thought and planning. It's a topic I don't want to mess up.

What I have to discuss is suicide. It's not on my mind because of anything specific to me, but NPR has done a slew of articles about it recently and it's really caught my attention. They've reported on suicide in the Native Arctic communities in Greenland where the suicide rate is the highest in the world (here's a spoiler: they don't think it's due to the darkness), and they did a followup with questions from listeners and readers here. They talked about suicide rates climbing in the U.S., particularly among female adolescents. PRI reported on the CDC's investigation of a cluster of teen suicides in Palo Alta.

It's hard to read about suicide. I'm not going to deny that. But I think it's great that the media is sparking some conversations about it. It's something that we as a society feel shame to talk about yet it's so important to do so. I strongly feel that the best way to confront the issues of mental illness and suicide and substance abuse is to talk about them and keep working towards ways to improve outcomes (which you can't figure out unless you talk about it), with legislature to follow the best we know based on research. More on that another day. Today I want to start the discussion about suicide.

NPR had one article on "How Do You Help Someone Who Is At Risk Of Suicide?". I thought it was pretty well done. I think I expected more from the title of the article than it gave. But there are some useful things it included which I'll paste below, hmmm, maybe it's most of it. For some background, NPR talked with Dr. Jill Harkavy-Friedman of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Dr. Jitender Sareen of the University of Manitoba, both psychiatrists, about what is known about youth suicide and best practices for preventing suicide. The article follows a question and answer format.

"In Greenland the highest rate of suicide is among young people between ages 15 and 25. How does that compare with the U.S. and worldwide?

Dr. Jitender Sareen: In native communities here in Canada and in the U.S., unfortunately young people have a much higher risk of suicide — often five or six times as high as the general population. Men commit suicide more often than women — that's true almost everywhere. [Although it's unclear why this is, it may be related to access to weapons or greater impulsiveness.] We've also seen instances where multiple young people enter suicide pacts, and there can be a contagion effect especially among youth. The underlying issues that lead to those crises are related to lack of basic things like clean water, housing and jobs. A lot of young people are impoverished and do not see any path to a good future.

Dr. Jill Harkavy-Friedman: It's also important for people to understand that suicide is not native to any culture. It's what happens to people when they're in situations of increased stress. So the high rate of suicide in Greenland, for example, doesn't say anything inherent about the culture. Actually, in the United States and most places, the highest-risk group for suicide are middle-aged [people] and the elderly. Fortunately, teen suicide rates in the U.S. are significantly lower, though teen suicide is still of concern.

Are there specific things a parent or friend should say — or not say — to a young person who they believe is potentially suicidal?
Harkavy-Friedman: If you're worried about somebody, ask. It's a little scary to ask, and you don't start off with, "Are you thinking about suicide?" You want to base your questions on what you've seen and what you notice. Like, "You seem very down lately and you're not with your friends. Is something going on? Are you feeling OK?" or "You look kind of sad. Are you?"

Then the next step is to just listen to what they have to say and try to really hear them, and interact with them so they know you've heard and understood. These are not quick-fix problems, so even though as parents and friends we want to say, "Just snap out of it!" or "It's not that big a deal!" to that person at that time, it is a big deal.

Sareen: In Native communities, one thing we've found is that messages that are based in culture are often more effective, but culturally sensitive communication is complicated. You can't assume that everyone in Native or First Nations has the same Native culture. For example, some Native people may feel cut off from their traditional culture and religion, while others are practicing Christians, and you need to remember that when you talk to them about their problems. This is one challenge for researchers and doctors who want to help in Native communities. Before you can help, you have to build a trusting relationship and understand the place, which can take years.

What if the person you're worried about doesn't want to talk?
Harkavy-Friedman: It's not uncommon, particularly with teens, that they don't want to talk. Or, they don't want to talk to you. If you're the parent, for instance. The key is that there may be somebody they can talk to, and it's not a time to stand on ceremony and say, "You must talk to me because I'm your parent." Find somebody they do feel comfortable talking to, and try to help them engage with that person.

Is it ever dangerous to ask someone about suicidal thoughts?
Harkavy-Friedman: Talking about suicide with someone will not make them suicidal. In fact it will make people feel better more typically, because they're holding [painful feelings] inside, and when you ask them, that's an opportunity to address it and problem-solve and feel better. So you're not going to make someone suicidal if you say, "Are you feeling like you want to kill yourself?" Talking to someone really helps; we have data to show that.

Is there such a thing as talking too much about suicide?
Harkavy-Friedman: It's not so much that a person can talk too much or too little. It's more about talking to someone who can help versus someone who can't. If you're talking to someone who can help you, then it's good. And, unlike maybe even 20 years ago when there was nothing available and no one was talking about teen suicide, now there are lots of tools and interventions available.

Sareen: I would say there is a balance when you're talking to teenagers, especially in very small towns. What we're facing, often, in the small communities is there's almost too much talk about suicide. When a suicide happens, in a larger community you might not hear about it, but in very small communities youth are kind of exposed to suicide and there's a lot of talking about it. It may inadvertently positively reinforce suicidal behavior. An overresponse of the media and overresponse of the community can actually lead to a clustering effect. That's one of the challenging parts of making suicide more publicly discussed ... that youth might see it as a way to escape their difficulties."

I have such a hard time with the last part, that talking about suicide and giving it exposure can "inadvertently positively reinforce suicidal behavior". I can see why that would be but we need to figure out if there are specific ways we can report it that wouldn't do that. I think talking about suicide too much with a higher-profile death, Robin Williams for example, could lead to a clustering unfortunately, but I really don't have anything to back that up other than what my gut says. My gut says that talking about it in a manner that NPR and PRI have been doing lately is the right way to do it. I don't feel like they're glamorizing suicide in any way, and they're presenting the facts, the issues, the statistics. I feel unsatisfied in most of these articles in regards to what's currently being done about these issues. I don't think that's a failure in the articles; I think that's a failure in society. Suicide isn't a high profile "cause" for most people unless they've been personally affected by it. But then there's the added societal stigma that comes with mental illness and suicide, and no one wants to talk about it.

The one unifying theme that I've found in suicide research, it's the idea that suicide is preventable. I also want to recognize that we should be careful when saying that because that can cause shame and guilt in survivors, those who have lost loved ones to suicide. Many things can help prevent suicide though: the support network looking for warning signs is probably number #1, medications, therapy treatment just to name a few. We should be doing all we can to prevent suicide considering how "preventable" it is. 

I've said before that I don't really consider suicide to typically be a "selfish" act, although I know that's a common belief. The reason is, when I've felt "suicidal" (and there are degrees of "suicidal" ranging from thoughts of helplessness and hopelessness to planning and attempting. I've been on various points on the scale in the past, typically much closer to the safer end and I've never attempted.), the "reasons" (however irrational) for my thoughts are that everyone would be better off without me, I'm a horrible person. It's selfish in the sense that it's very centered around the self, but it's not selfish in the sense of "I don't care about anyone else", etc. I don't know who's right when it comes to it, but I think it's important to educate yourself on what suicidal feels for a person, before making judgments on them. It always come back to trying to empathize with others. Putting yourself in their shoes, trying to understand the thoughts and fears and struggles other people have. I'm not going to go on an empathy rant again, I've done that before, But, if you haven't yet seen the Brené Brown cartoon clip on empathy, you should watch it now. Or re-watch it.

I guess my biggest thing about helping someone who may be suicidal, if they're willing to talk to you about it, please just be open and empathetic (NOT sympathetic) in your conversations with them. It is not your job to tell the person that their thoughts and emotions are irrational or that they should "snap out of it" or that it's not a big deal. Those kind of comments can have the opposite effect. Instead you can say things like "that sounds hard" or "I'm sorry you're going through that" or "is there any way I can help?". And please please don't take offense if a friend or loved one doesn't wish to talk with you about it. It takes an incredible amount of vulnerability to open up to someone about this kind of "tough stuff" (although I do think it gets easier with practice), and sometimes the fear that it will hurt more than help can close people off. All you wonderful support people out there, it usually takes a lot of patience, and understanding, and again, empathy.

oh the weather outside is frightful

Saturday, 04/16/16, 11:37am, 1:00pm

Do you remember my puzzle? It's taken me a really long time, but I finally finished. Here's the progression:

11/07/15                                              12/01/15

04/12/16                                     04/13/16

04/14/16

04/16/16

I obviously took a big hiatus from the puzzle for a few months. Once I got back into it, I remembered all my metaphors between puzzles and life, and I felt accomplishment with each final piece. And since it took me over FIVE months to complete, it's a nice longer term accomplishment. Yeah, I gotta find the little things sometimes when I don't have a paying job.

Today is mostly a chill in the house kind of day. It was supposed to be my Brené Brown workshop day, but it got cancelled due to the impending weather. Rain, into snow, although the rain lasted a lot longer than expected, at least by us. The forecast was so bad that several airlines cancelled all flights in and out of Denver for today. My mother-in-law came into town on Thursday and was supposed to fly home tonight but now she's not really sure when she can get out of here. The boys are ecstatic, but Grandma needs to be back to leave for a road trip with Grandpoo Larry for some marathons he's got next week. (It's pretty cool, my mother-in-law and step father-in-law run marathons. They are rather active grandparents). 

Hah, I just sang the song "You need to find your lo-ooong pants" (to the tune of Auld Lang Syne) to my children and it worked beautifully. They ran upstairs to find long pants. 

Nevermind. It worked on RG, but not on TK. 

We have to leave the house for a friend's birthday party, who also lives in our neighborhood. Considering the weather, this is amazingly convenient. I am hoping we walk over, although the snow is blowing pretty hard right now. I usually take every excuse not to drive. If I can walk, or bike, I try to do it. I've definitely done several grocery trips on the weekend with just a bike and a backpack. 

Things have been ok lately. Just normal ups and downs. I've been working my way through Brené Brown's Rising Strong still, and that causes some additional ups and downs.

all I really want is some comfort

Monday, 04/11/16, 10:40am

There are a number of things I should be doing right now, but I've decided what I need most is to blog.

The weather reflects my mood today, rainy and gloomy. It's a day where I really just want to be lazy at home, but I won't get that until later this afternoon. I'm at my sister's house right now; we were supposed to switch off running/cycling, but I decided I didn't want to bike in this weather. That decision means I need to do something on my own later in order to get a workout in. And I really should get a workout in, considering my mood. I am volunteering in RG's class around lunchtime so that is also keeping us out of the house today.

I started reading Rising Strong by Brené Brown, kinda the follow up book to Daring Greatly (remember my obsession with that book awhile back? If you never watched her TED talks, now's another reminder to do so). I'm actually doing a workshop with her (and lots of other participants) this Saturday. The focus is more on Rising Strong than her other books, so really, I should try to finish it. That's one of those items on my task list, that list of things I should be doing right now, other than blogging.

I think that Rising Strong will be good for me. The tagline on the front cover says "If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. This is a book about what it takes to get back up." Sounds pretty useful to me, considering how often I fall.

I feel like I'm on the verge of falling today. Trying to do everything possible, except that original plan for exercise, to avoid it. I'm going to limit my expectations today though. Accomplish the things I'm feeling stressed about, the things I was committed to, and maybe some extra reading wherever possible. I already removed the expectation that I finish this book before the workshop when I signed up for it in the first place, but it feels like I'm subconsciously resetting that expectation this week.

The sun is coming out now. Maybe I will try to allow the metaphor to the weather to continue, and let the sun wash over the stress I'm feeling. I can do this.

I may be paranoid, but not an android

Wednesday, 03/02/16, 7:41am

Sometimes it can be hard to blog again after sharing with additional people. After Monday's post I decided to send an email to people I've already shared with as well as some new ones, and I was quite surprised after adding names to the bcc list to see how many there were. And then, of course, I got overwhelmed with the stats of my blog. Watching the pageviews go up can be super exciting yet also quite daunting. I've received a number of support emails since although I haven't felt comfortable responding to all of them yet. Yeah that's right, despite how brutally honest I get in my blog, I don't feel comfortable responding to emails always. But that's me.

I think I've had a little of what Brené Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover". It really hasn't been too bad, but I definitely felt too scared to blog yesterday.

Vulnerability hangovers can happen after a long talk with a friend about depression, after opening up to someone new, after an emotionally heavy therapy or psychiatrist appointment. At least that's how it happens with me. I question whether I should have talked about certain things, I wonder if people are judging me, and I also feel excited that I dared greatly. It tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster. The vulnerability hangover is probably the main reason therapy can be so hard and not always feel like it's helping. The first appointment (or more) with a new therapist comes with heavy vulnerability hangovers. It is such an emotional toll to spill out your story to someone new, especially someone you don't really know yet and you're not even sure you want to know. Therapy is one of those things where it often gets worse before it gets better. I think a big reason people who "don't like" therapy (beyond the stigma people have) don't benefit because they never get past that first appointment or first few appointments. I once went just one time to a new therapist. I was in the process of "trying out" new therapists, and saw someone who was on my insurance list but I really didn't know more about her. The experience was not super pleasant. I had the emotional rollercoaster of going through my story with someone new, but then I additionally felt a lot of judgement from her on certain things. I think the good therapists try to limit any judgement or at least, don't let it show.

Let's talk about stigma again though. I never back away from talking about it. Because we need to. The stigma around mental illness makes it difficult for people to get support because it becomes this thing that we are just completely unable to talk about. Even though I get brutally honest in my blog, it doesn't mean that I talk about depression openly and honestly with people in my life. I talk about it with some people sometimes. And it's usually an uncomfortable conversation, we get shifty eyed, and we wait and hope for the conversation to end. That's not always true, but that tends to be how it's talked about in person. And seriously, what. the. hell. Mental illness is disease of the brain, which as researchers are increasingly learning, can strongly be related to biological processes in the brain or the weakness/strength of certain neurological pathways. The most recent evidence in schizophrenia research suggest that a specific gene is contributing to excessive "synaptic pruning," which is the elimination of connections between neurons.

Despite all this, the stigma equates mental illness to psychological weakness. Doesn't that suck? So many people suffer from mental illness, about 1 in 5 in any given year according to the Mayo Clinic. And yet, all these people are "weak"???? Why can't we treat mental illness like we do with any illness? Why do we have to be embarrassed to be on anti-depressants, anxiety medication, or anti-psychotics? Why, when someone could really benefit from one of these medications, do they refuse treatment? It would be considered abnormal to refuse treatment for a thyroid condition, for diabetes, for stage 1 cancer. And yet, we do for mental illness.

Now granted, I've come a long way in fighting my own stigmas. I am on medications and no longer feel the need to wean myself from them, although I used to feel that way. I go to therapy, although I still look for ways to spread my appointments out more because I think I shouldn't need to go as often or I feel guilty about the cost. I still have to overcome the stigma a little to share these things about myself. But I know others who have never had professional treatment. Maybe they can manage it well enough on their own, and some people can depending on the severity, but I hope these people aren't refusing treatment because of the stigma. And if so, I hope I can help dispel the fears a little. Because treatment is worth it. Taking the edge off the illness with medication, taking yourself out of the cloud is worth it. Talking through coping mechanisms with a therapist and practicing ways to strengthen the positive neurological pathways is worth it.

I hope to someday live in a world where mental illness is simply treated as it comes up. I hope to someday live in a world where we have accessibility to better treatments with fewer side effects. I hope to someday live in a world where we can talk about mental illness as a society, focusing on making things better for those with mental illness as well as for those caring for loved ones with mental illness. This isn't something we can hide under the carpet anymore.

how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see?

Monday, 02/29/16, 8:08am

Relationships are hard. Any and all of them can be hard. Marriage partners, family members, in-laws, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. And you get the added difficulty of trying to stay in touch with people when you don't live in the same area. It's hard. And relationship dynamics are different with different people. Some friends take offense when you're not great about keeping in touch, and for other friends, although you may not talk very often, whether it be weeks, months, or even years, you can pick up where you left off and you know that you both care about eachother still.

Sometimes there are strains on certain relationships that will never go away. Topics that are always off limits, pains of old hurts. Sometimes you can keep a relationship by just avoiding some of those things, sometimes you can talk these things through and get to a stronger place, and sometimes the relationship can never recover. The ideal, of course, is that you talk about issues and get to a stronger place in this shared relationship. And me being a perfectionist, I want to fix all my relationships to always be in a stronger place. And maybe that's not always possible. I try, I worry, I think a lot, I worry some more. But maybe sometimes I just need to let go of certain things. Maybe, if possible, it's a better compromise to keep relationships and just avoid talking about certain things.

I know I've been really vague in this post so far, but for now, let's take for example, my depression. In the last several months, I've become so much more open about my depression. I've shared my blog with a fair number of people, I even shared it openly on Google+, and I know I have some readers, but I know that not everyone I've shared with has read it. Maybe they want to take the time and just haven't gotten around to it. That sounds like something I would do. But maybe a fair number of people I've shared with are uncomfortable about mental illness. It's not something they're interested in reading because of their own stigmas. I keep thinking if people would just read my blog, I could dispel of these stigmas and change people's mindsets. And yet, I have to accept that I don't have any control (but maybe some influence?) over people's mindsets. We all come with our own emotional baggage that is affected by our experiences, each of our relationships, and our ingrained beliefs. If someone equates depression with weakness, that belief is likely one that started at a young age, and has been made stronger as that person has become an adult. They likely meet most discussion of depression, or perhaps all mental illness, with avoidance and suspicion. They are less likely to read my blog anyway, and therefore less likely to ever hear the story of someone who lives with it. How then, can their belief have any chance of changing? People first need to be open to listen.

Perhaps we all need to greet life with a little more openness and empathy. We need to be open to hearing about other people's experiences, we need to listen and respond with empathy. I really think that all relationships can be mended if both parties meet the relationship with an open mind and empathy. I do wonder if these characteristics were brought into every aspect of life, again, marriage, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, how the world could change. We could greatly reduce the violence in our world. We could improve care of eachother in our life challenges, financially, medically, emotionally. We could work more harmoniously with eachother and I think, work more productively and efficiently. We could come together in our communities more, we could come together as a nation more, and as a world more. Perhaps we could think more long term in the way we live our lives, and consider everyone's problems, including our planet's. How I wish we could all keep an open mind and respond to others (all others) with empathy.

Do we all know what empathy is? Even if you do and you consider yourself empathetic, it is worth it to watch this 3 minute animated clip (found here or below) on empathy, narrated by Brené Brown. (Hey does that name ring a bell? You remember me mentioning her awhile back? If you have time now and didn't do it before, now's a great time to watch her TED talks too- here and here. Of course, now in linking to these videos, I am re-watching and feeling re-validated in my current life over and over again. Watch these videos people; it is so worth your time.)

Empathy is feeling with people, as Brené says in the empathy clip. Empathy is so powerful. And I'm not sure I'm negative enough to think that many people in this world have no capacity for empathy. I think we all have it, from birth. It can be warped and diminished by being exposed to violence, or disease, either physical or mental, and not being provided with love. We can shut it down as we grow up because we are taught to believe that being vulnerable makes us weak. And you need to be vulnerable in order to be empathetic rather than sympathetic.

As a parent, who is still learning to understand the importance of being vulnerable and empathetic in her own life, I want so much for my children to grow up with these same values. I want them to keep an open mind; I want them to understand that vulnerability is not weakness; I want them to approach others with empathy and a capacity to love. With just those values, they will be able to connect with others around them and improve the lives of the people they meet. Shouldn't we all be striving for that?