what the hell am I doing here?

Tuesday, 02/09/16, 8:11pm

I don't want to blog but I'm going to try. I want to feel better, and not like a failure.

I am missing choir rehearsal right now. Because when it came time to leave for it, I freaked out. I had an anxiety attack followed by a depression attack that was much related to the shame of the anxiety attack.

This week is busy. And it kinda feels like I keep adding things to this week, or needing to back off on many things this week, and I then feel like a failure. I feel like the juggling metaphor and the few balls that I haven't already dropped are in the air and I'm desperately trying to catch them as they come down.

It's not that bad. I don't have that much to do. But apparently it's more than I can handle and it makes me feel ashamed that I'm not handling it well.

So now the question becomes, do I back off on going to the Denver Art Museum with friends tomorrow, attending the PTO meeting in the afternoon so that I can report on box tops totals which I've spent the last week counting, and then prepping our house to get cleaned on Thursday? Do I back off on every activity or just 1 or 2 or do I go for totally taking the pressure off and back off on all? I guess we'll wait and see how I'm feeling about it in the morning. Besides all those optional activities, Nasser has his HOA meeting tomorrow night, I have to get 3 prescriptions filled before the weekend, and I need to pack so we can leave by 3pm Thursday afternoon for a weekend in the mountains, skiing. Oh right, don't forget all the laundry I need to finish in order to pack. Oh and I'm sure there are several other things I need to do but they're just floating around in my head and I'm not remembering them at the moment.

I guess I need a list. Hmmmm.

Item number 1. Make list. Item number 2. Go to bed early. Item number 3. Wake up early and workout. Item number 4. Go from there. (If numbers 2 and 3 don't happen, skip several activities tomorrow to get that workout in.)

I guess I've got a little more focus now from the overwhelming feeling. That's something, right?