Wednesday, 02/03/16, 9:10pm
Is it only Wednesday? Nasser is already into Thursday, but paying so much attention to what he's doing and talking, if only briefly, mornings and nights, makes for a weird experience. The days feel really long and overlapped.
I know it sounds like we're talking a lot, but our timing isn't aligning well to really talk. We're talking mid-mornings, after RG is off to school, and TK and I chat with Daddy before he goes to bed. But I have TK with me, so we don't talk about our stuff. Stuff throughout the day where I'm like, oh I need to talk to Nasser about this, but then it's either something too substantial to talk about when kids are around or I forget about it. I need to start a running list of things I need to talk about with Nasser. Anyway. He goes to bed and his night is the majority of our day. Then we try to talk a little after he wakes up in the morning while we're finishing up dinner and starting bedtime stuff. Tonight (or tomorrow depending on which way you look at it) he slept in more than usual, and we were most of the way through bedtimes. We did a quick video chat so Daddy could say "goodnight" to the boys and the boys could say "have a good day" to Daddy.
Now, the boys are in bed and I actually have time where I could talk to Nasser, but he's with his boss, walking to work, work doesn't have private rooms to do a video chat from, and he's actually been really busy at work the last couple days. We did a quick Google Hangouts audio call (I love Google) with Nasser standing outside I believe. But then TK woke up all grumpy and interrupted the call. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, after breaking down into tears when we realized that there wasn't a good way to video chat tonight. I felt trapped.
Wow. I know, I'm super dependent on Nasser, but he also is the only one who has been there through almost every depressive episode in some way, either on the phone or in person. He's the only one I completely trust to get me through it, and the only one who I don't feel like I need to hide some of the ugliness from, at all. I suppose I probably should feel differently about that since I've said some pretty horrible stuff to Nasser when I've been low, but I also need him.
It's not to say that I don't have support. I have a lot of it. Just today a friend told me I could call if ever I need to. And I so appreciate all the support. But it's also really really really hard for me to reach out to anyone other than Nasser. So hard. I think the few times I have, I've never actually phoned anyone. It's only ever been over text or email. I can't really talk on the phone when I'm in that state. Like can't physically talk on the phone. Or in person. Without total breakdown, bawling, etc.
I guess that's why I've switched to reaching out through my blog. I can write and no one has to look at me, see my tears or tired eyes or the fact that I haven't changed my clothes since after showering last night. Oh I hope I can get a shower in tomorrow. More importantly, a workout in before the shower.
I guess the blog is really just me getting myself through it. It's just that writing seems to be the best tool I can use to get through it. When I was talking about Nasser being there for me all the time, I realized the other person to be there for me all the time?- yeah, it's me. That's pretty awesome really.
4 days down, 3 to go. More than halfway through.
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