I've got to break through. I'm going under.

Thursday, 02/25/16, 1:44, 3:21pm

This is the third day in a row where I've been on the brink of full on depression. Bits of the days have been better, and bits have been worse. I'm starting to wonder, do I need to get fully depressed in order to get out of this weird funk?

I don't want to get fully depressed, don't get me wrong. But I'm not functioning very well in the state I'm in. I had to text a friend that I might be depressed tonight and might not be able to get together. How sucky and lame does that feel? (But awesome that it's a friend I can say that to, I hope). And maybe it sounds like I'm just preparing to get depressed, and therefore I get depressed. But the opposite most definitely does not work for me. A "positive attitude" doesn't work for me. Being "hopeful" doesn't work for me. But I do know that taking some of the pressure off situations (by preparing my friend for me being out of sorts for hopefully, "when" I do go, right?) gives me a better fighting chance.

The friend/getting together tonight thing by the way? That's going to a climbing gym. I missed the last one because of depression. I can't let that happen again. I did a little bit of a dance party with TK earlier, which helped some. I'm doing better with my emotional eating today, which is helping too. I'm blogging, and that is sure to help. And I got some quality cat purring time in with Buddy (we're pretty sure that's his name now). Buddy the minion cat, not to be confused with Buddy the Elf, but they're pals. And really, Buddy needs to be said in the style of the Minions: "BUDD-EEEEE!".

So I'm still trying to do all the right things to get better. But I know that depression is tricky. Any event, or statement from someone else, or a fight with Nasser or the kids can trigger a full blown episode. Over the last few days, I've had lots of potential triggers, and almost triggers, and triggers that I was able to rapidly recover from. I feel like I need these to stop so I can fully pull my head above water. Right now it feels like I'm catching breath often enough to stay above, but I keep going just below the surface and then I have to fight my way that extra inch up to breathe. And I have people worrying about me from a distance but they can't quite get all the way to me, maybe because of the undertows.

Sigh.

Focus on more activities to push away those nasty undertows.