I don't belong here

Monday, 02/15/16, 5:15pm

I don't want to blog. Really I want to do nothing. I want to not exist. I want to never have existed.

I'm not quite sure what happened. I know that little things have triggered me over the last two days, and I'm feeling angry, hurt, ashamed, unloved, stupid. I feel like I'm the scum of the earth.

I feel like I should not exist.

Again, I don't want to blog. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think this might help, but I also don't want anything to help. I want to wallow. I want to cry. I want to feel the punishment of my existence. Because that's what this feels like. I am scum so I deserve to feel this way. I'm not strong enough, I don't want to be better enough; and therefore, this is my punishment.

Oh fuck.

This feels like shit.

I am not weak.

I am not scum.

I don't deserve to feel this way. This is not a challenge given to me from God. This is a sucky disease. I am not depressed because I'm not strong enough or not good enough. Depression is not some thing or mood you can will yourself out of. Mental illness is not some thing or mood you can will or pray yourself out of.

I think I'm through the worst of it now. But I still don't want to blog.

Get through the rest of today. Maybe no full recovery today, but that's ok. Survive.