I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and walk unafraid, I'll be clumsy instead, hold me love me or leave me high.

Friday, 09/22/17, 11:26am, 1:49pm

Hah. I know I've started a blog post (or two) recently at the same time- 11:26am. The reason I remember the time so well is it's also my birthday- 11/26 or November 26th- haha. I guess I get similarly timed urges to write on different days, or something.

Happy first day of autumn, everyone. I'm glad we're technically out of summer now, even if the weather isn't perfectly following, you know, due to climate change and all.

It's been a little while since I've written, at least compared to how often I was writing, but there's a reason for it. For awhile I had some trouble filling my time during the days; reading has been awfully difficult most days, even though I bring like the same set of books around with me to everyone's houses when I go and hang out with different family during the days. But then this week, well last Saturday actually, when I was having some depressive feelings, I recovered a little by restarting a Netflix show that Nasser and I used to watch some time ago, one that I really didn't remember much. So it's kinda like I'm watching it for the first time again. But that's been a nice way to fill up a lot of my time, haha. And really, this is a good time to be doing this, considering I am still going through this rather intense treatment, right you guys? Does everyone remember I'm going through electro-convulsive therapy, or ECT as we refer to it a lot of the time? Although, we are seriously getting the treatments more spread out, which is an awesome, awesome accomplishment. I don't know if accomplishment is the right word, but it does feel that way a lot of the time. My last treatment was Monday, this week, and my next treatment isn't until Monday, Oct 2nd, so a full two weeks apart! Pretty nuts, pretty awesome, hopefully it goes well. I'm getting much closer to coming off the 24/7 thing, I think, I hope. We have an appointment with the doctor next week, and I do want to talk about that a bit with him, as well as some of the memory stuff, in particular, the "state dependent memory" thing. Now, I know I mentioned this phenomenon briefly in this post, but I couldn't find it elsewhere in the blog, so I might never have actually explained this. Maybe I did, and my quick search just couldn't find it, but just in case, I'm going to explain it again.

So. I've been finding that I have lots of gaps in my memory over the past, well, bunch of years, like at least since I was diagnosed with depression after RG's birth. What the doctor has explained to us, is that I'm being affected by "state dependent memory". State dependent memory is (by Wikipedia's definition) the "phenomenon through which memory retrieval is most efficient when an individual is in the same state of consciousness as they were when the memory was formed." So we hear about this when it comes to alcoholics or drug users the most, but this applies to things like depression, as well. So I formed a LOT of memories over the past many years in a state of depression, and now that I'm much, much less depressed than I was (which is, of course, a good thing), I have lost a lot of those memories. It's... confusing. The last year, since Adam's death, has probably been especially worse. His death seemed to trigger me a bit further than before, and there's a bunch of things from the past year that I just can't remember. It's overwhelming in some ways to just not even know what memories I'm missing to some extent. I had planned two friends' ski trips this ski season- one in January with kids and one in March without kids. Nasser has shown me pictures from both and talked me through the trips a bit to try and bring back some of the memories. The January one, while super fun, was just about completely missing from my memory prior to talking with him, most likely because there was an additional, super stressful aspect to that trip. Unfortunately the original house I'd booked for it was double-booked and our party ended up being the group that lost out, but of course the owner didn't tell me until the day we were supposed to be moving in to the house. I scrambled to find a replacement, which ended up having several issues, and I put all the blame and stress onto myself. All that depression and anxiety I was in for that weekend made it so that the "state" I was in while forming all those memories was a bit more severe than the normal stress I would have been under, and apparently the result was my mind lost ALL the memories from that weekend, like at first I didn't even remember the trip had happened. I still don't seem to recall any of a trip we took last fall to Tuscon, AZ for my brother-in-law's father's funeral, and we have tried talking about that one and looking at some pictures. It's kinda a scary phenomenon to have going on, and I'm hoping to get a better understanding of what to expect, what's considered "normal", how much we can bring back those memories through pictures and talking, etc, from the doctor next week.

I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time reading books, somewhat because of short-term memory issues still, but definitely some because of my cognitive side effects. Like my brain just has trouble processing stuff. And processing books seems a lot more difficult than processing a show. By the way, the show I'm watching is Once Upon A Time. It's quite fun.

Oh and the other thing I've been filling my time with more this week, is friend time. I saw something like four different friends this week, which has been a big increase from what it's been. Although I suppose the start of school has made a lot of people busier, etc. And we're still trying to figure out some routine and trying not to use any one group of people too, too often because I worry that people are just going to get sick of helping me or something, because that's how I think, even though I know I shouldn't. Anyway, seeing friends a bit more has been quite nice. As part of that, I've gotten a little swim in, twice this week, and it's been awhile, so it's been a nice change. I still haven't run since my one run (last week was it?), but maybe I'll get another in this weekend.

We have a lovely bbq planned in our neighborhood on Sunday, which I'm pretty excited about. It's always a nice event, and although it is supposed to be a bit cooler this weekend, I'm hoping the weather holds out enough for it. We've seen neighbors at the bus stops and around and such, but it's not like we talk to people all too often. So this should be nice.

So I know I mentioned how I'm "doing better" than I was, and it's weird. Because of my memory problems, I tend not to always believe that, especially when I do fall into a tougher state or whatever. This morning, with Nasser, I was a little bit triggered, but it wasn't, like, devastatingly triggered like I used to be, and I still recovered rather easily. Nasser can see the difference, rather easily, but I don't, oftentimes. He reminds me, though, which helps, a lot. He was reminding me this morning, how the recoveries I've made the past several times would never have happened before. This is all pretty new, really, since ECT. And that's huge. I can hardly remember the bit of triggering I had this morning, now. I feel good, after having met up with a friend, gone swimming, had plenty of coffee and talked to my brother-in-law a bit, watched my show, done some blogging. And hopefully, of course, this mood continues. But then again, I guess I am recovering much more easily than I used to. And that is really, really huge.

Alright, I am done for today, haha, partially because I want to watch another episode! Have a good weekend, all, and a good start to the fall season.

how many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?

Monday, 02/13/17, 10:07am, 1:11pm

Hello my dear blog. It's been a very long time.

It's been so long I think I've felt especially nervous and unsure about what to come back with. I haven't felt much like blogging in so long, that it's felt that no topic is deserving of blogging.

Well that's just silly. There are plenty of things to blog about, to continue to blog about, when it comes to mental health. A topic that continually evolves, for the world, in our communities, and individually.

The last many weeks have been long. Many of them, many of the days, I've just felt, I don't know, like I'm underwater, in a fog, in a hole. I date my depressive episode here from around Christmas time, when I came off antidepressants completely to try a different bipolar medication (the one that maybe gave me that potentially deadly rash). There've been some ups for sure, plenty of functioning I guess, but a lot of depression, much a deep, dark depression, with a plethora of anxiety to top it all off. It's been really hard, and I think it was too much to share openly on the blog while it was happening. I say "was" because honestly, the last week has been slightly better. One of the difficult side effects of the depressive episode has been the fatigue. Complete, utter fatigue and lack of energy. It's been nearly impossible to stay up past 9pm most nights, or even simply beyond kids going to bed, and we figured out it could have been worsened by one of the leftover medications I'm still on. There are 2, neither of which are antidepressants. One is an anti-psychotic which had been paired with the antidepressants, but we kept me on it since we don't know if I'll be worsened by going off it. The other is an anti-seizure medication which has been shown to help with anxiety. So we weaned me off the anti-seizure med, and suddenly I have more energy. I still don't feel normal by any means, but once in awhile I stay up until 10 or 10:30pm now.

It was good timing to wean off that med since we just had a ski weekend in Crested Butte with family and friends. I certainly needed the extra energy even if it wasn't enough to ski full days, or stay up very late with our friends. The depression still crept in a couple points, as it just does these days, but we kept it at bay, at least until the drive home yesterday.

Here's my best family photo of the weekend. Our attempt at a selfie, minutes after the paid photographer offered to take a photo for us. I did not manage to take a whole lot of photos from the trip.

But yeah, I did the pigtail braid thing...

And this was the view from our condos... a ski in/ski out place. :)

So this Thursday I have my motor threshold appointment for the TMS treatment which starts next Monday, a week from today. This whole process has felt like such a long time coming, and really it kinda has been. But it's here. So motor threshold is interesting. That will be my first experience with the magnet, and they'll be positioning it on my head to find the location where they can twitch my right thumb. That will determine the precise location, some exact number of centimeters forward from that point or something, where they'll be delivering treatment.

Man, it feels surreal to be talking about this treatment as something that's actually going to happen to me. Like it still feels like I'm talking about someone else.

And this treatment has few risks, little to any discomfort, and likely positive outcomes, and yet, I'm awfully scared still. I guess I'm just scared it won't work. That nothing will change, that I won't start feeling better. And I'm still doing the cautious hopefulness thing here, trying not to get carried away, banking on something that may not do anything. But I am hoping. And I'm excited that it's almost here.

I will try to blog more often through treatment. I want to. I want to try and document it to some extent because it may be a somewhat unique perspective out there, but I'm also going to be continuing to take things a little easier. I've been letting go expectations for quite some time now, and it's been helping, but it's still challenging for me to do. I still beat myself up for not cooking dinner very often, for not feeling well enough to do a lot of normal things, for not feeling up to social stuff, for not being a better mom while I feel awful about myself. But everything has taken second place to the depression for awhile now, too long, and I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling a bit better finally.

the snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen.

Tuesday, 01/17/17, 10:26am, 1:29pm, 2:19pm

Whew.

Well hello dear blog. It's been awhile.

It's especially been awhile since it feels like anything from me has been optimistic or hopeful or happy.

Today, looking back on the weekend, I feel mostly happy. And I want to tell you about it. There were parts that were really really tough, where the depression really threatened to take over, but I mostly did well.

It started on Thursday last week, with the first of our friends coming in through DIA starting around noon. (Really it started almost a year ago after another friends ski trip over MLK weekend and I immediately started to work towards the next idea for a friends trip). Some stayed with us that night, and some got an Airbnb nearby. Our friends with young girls stayed with us and it was so much fun to watch the kids become fast friends. My boys are a little older with TK 2 years older than their older girl P. RG enjoyed entertaining baby A, for which I got no photos. Friday afternoon, the friends all caravan-ed up the mountains together while TK and I waited for RG to get outta school and Nasser to get outta work. TK and P had to say goodbye; it was wild to see TK pick up a smaller kid!

We didn't leave until almost 6pm Friday, had to make several stops for gas and new windshield wiper blades, both necessary for the drive up the mountains in potential weather. US-40 to Winter Park was pretty in the moonlight, despite being a little dicey.

So I have to backtrack a minute. Several months ago, I booked a house (a VRBO rental) for this weekend. It was a 7 bedroom house with an additional bunk room, and a good deal. Oh man you guys, it was so nice, it had a hot tub, lots of bedding and more importantly, all the necessary bedding, for our group. And it was on the free shuttle route for the Winter Park ski resort, where many in the group were planning on skiing.

Well.

On Friday morning, around 11am, I got a call from the owner telling me that he was so so sorry, but that he and his wife had each booked their house for the weekend. And her group moved in the night before, so we were out of luck. Well not entirely, as the guy informed me that they were going to re-book us for the weekend nearby (in whatever we could find last minute) and give me a free stay at his house another time.

The house we ended up with was... weird, interesting, crazy huge with lots of wasted space and some space that appeared to still be under construction, and not too fantastic in many ways in the end.

We ended up without a hot tub (which I know, it sounds so needy, but I personally love on group trips like this, especially when skiing), way off the highway on county roads that weren't well plowed for the poor little rental cars many of my friends had, with a very, very strange (oh man, and definitely not cleaned well in so long) house.

Here's our bedroom, one of the 5 "master" bedrooms. Some of our friends were put out though in comparison to the original accommodations, thanks to different in incorrect for our group, bedding.

And then there was the bathroom which seemed so nice at first (improper sloping in the shower meant for puddling when showering, which was also in direct line of that window next to the tub which had no blinds. Also the jetted tub took so long to fill and then. the jets had definitely not been cleaned in quite some time). No door on the toilet room either, which is also in view of that window. But whatever, few, and far away, neighbors for this crazy "estate" house.

Oh and then there were all those chandeliers... and ummm... pictures of chandeliers? There were several of those actually.

(I've been working on a big email to the original owner today on how the situation really was not rectified after he double-booked us, so, apologies for all the complaining I'm doing).

We ended up skiing with the kids on Saturday afternoon; we were lazy and social with the non-skiing crew in the AM, which was great.

TK waiting around for Daddy and RG to finish getting RG rental skis and boots since we had left his boots at home. in the garage. sigh.

gorgeous kid friendly tree run, it was pretty flat so a bit tricky to get through. 

what is it they say about families that stick together through the trees? nothing? well they should.

I know, I know, we should use the safety bar. I bet it would put RG at ease a little more. he fell getting on a lift last season, and apparently was more traumatized than I realized. 

you can totally tell I'm terrified I'm going to drop my phone while attempting to get the whole family in the photo. 

We found some neighborhood friends while skiing! They've got twins who are RG's age, and a daughter in her teens, who babysits for us sometimes. The 8 year olds really enjoyed skiing together. That's RG, the dark one on the left, crouching down to gain more speed, that goof.

The moms do it too; that's my neighbor friend on the right. You gotta gain speed as much as you can in those flat sections though.

that's the neighbor boy twin behind me in the orange. I'm best taking photos while skiing on the green runs, but it's hard to capture with all of us spread out.

so beautiful, you guys!

one of my friends helped out with a kid on the 2 person lift. we had split off from Nasser and TK and another friend at this point.

because apparently I love lift photos with RG. poor kid though, he hated this lift, but it was late enough at this point the larger one at that spot was closed.

That evening, after putting the kiddos to bed, many of us played a fun card game at this huge table. This was a good spot for the next night too, even though the original chair placement wasn't designed for people to sit at this table. Hah. It was rather difficult to maneuver behind where I was sitting, into the kitchen. But again, oh well.

The next morning we tried for an early start, with friends at the house watching our kids for the day (WOW and WOOOPEE!); we made it onto Mary Jane before lunch.

I got most of the Sunday ski group in the photos on top of Mary Jane after lunch, but my one friend left early to go back and help with his kids and take everyone sledding. Dear blog, I have some really awesome awesome friends who took some great care of our kiddos to let us ski till almost close. We didn't ski till close because our quads were so tired already.

I got some action shots on the greens off Mary Jane!

oh and here's the house and driveway in the daylight. or twilight really.

I didn't take more photos until we were going home on Monday, which was beautiful, so you'll have to bear with me because I took many. These are the narrowed down picks.

the new snow on the trees made for driving in a winter wonderland. US-40 was slow-going and trying to stay in the previous tracks in the snow, but then I-70 was pretty clear by the time we were taking the drive, late in the morning. 

but yeah, 70 was not without traffic.

so we jumped onto US-6 when we could and only looked back briefly to find nobody following.

I was a little obsessed with the tunnels, and we tried to get the kids to join us in holding our breath going through them.

clearly I haven't been on 6 in a long time, but I was a little obsessed with the meandering, icy sided, river.

I didn't actually read on this road though, too windy. that's RG's latest favorite book series, of which he's getting Nasser and slowly, me, into. I'm starting to decide that in my state of depression of late, I need some easier reading. but engaging. so far, this is good for that, and I'm still reading it super slowly.

we got some traffic due to slow car(s) in the lead. surprisingly enough, the slow car was not the casino bus.

I kept pointing out the falling rock netting to the kids

last tunnel!

still beautiful on our way into Golden.

we were starving for lunch, TK ate all of it!

my goofballs, one in pjs, and one in shorts.

All in all, it was a good, successful, enjoyable weekend. Some things still to hopefully get resolved with that first house rental owner, but I'm working on not letting that aspect ruin the weekend for me. We got great slope time, both with and without the kids, great hanging out at the house time, we still made good dinners despite that awful (albeit large) kitchen, and the kiddo with friends and friends' kiddos time was so worth it.

On a separate note, I am still off all antidepressants, waiting for evaluation appointment for TMS (again, transcranial magnetic stimulation) a week from today. Although there will still likely be a tough letdown from the trip, more than so far since I've been enjoying working on this post. It's tough to enjoy so much the time with friends from long ago who knew me when I wasn't depressed, and then go back to reality. It's easier to pretend that I'm not depressed for a short time like that, even if a simple question of "how have you been doing?" puts me into tears still. I pretended much of the weekend, and only in some more stressful instances did it threaten to take over.

Going to finish with hope, after watching this clip last night, where comedian Neal Brennan and Trevor Noah briefly talk depression and TMS.