I took the turn and turned to begin a new beginning, still looking for the answer I cannot find the finish

Friday, 01/26/18, 7:31am, 9:07am

So you know I've been on this 8 week, now 10 week journey of ramping up the dosage of this new medication. This mood stabilizer for bi-polar, because maybe I'm actually bi-polar type II, aka "unipolar depression", which conveniently looks just like depression. I hit the "therapeutic dosage" at the 8 week mark, so 2 weeks ago, then a week later got some blood drawn so they could measure the levels in my blood. Turns out I do actually metabolize this drug quickly and the levels are low. Lower than the lowest accepted level of therapeutic. So in my appointment yesterday with the ECT psychiatrist (who originally prescribed this med), he gave us a plan to up the dosage, like double it actually. And luckily, now that I'm at as high of a dosage as I am, we can ramp up a bit quicker. So, you know, we'll see.

Recently, the ECT caregiver therapist who Nasser sees recommended we look into this DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) intensive outpatient program that they have at the local hospital. It sounds a bit overwhelming- they meet for 3 hours, 3x a week, for 9 weeks. And of course, they meet M/W/F, which are the same days that ECT treatments are offered. So the days that I'd have both would be tough, logistically. I spoke with my therapist about it yesterday, and she had a lot of concerns over how intense the program is. We both had concerns over the fact that I'm still having a lot of trouble with my memory. I spent some time looking at some other DBT programs offered at other places in the area... I currently have 5 different tabs open on my Chromebook for various programs in the "area"; however most of them are a decent drive away.

I've been trying, at least a little bit, or however much I feel able with my depression always standing in the way, to look into methods of mindfulness or ways to encourage myself to practice it more. Cuz, yeah, I have heard plenty of how useful and helpful mindfulness is with mental illness, and yet, I can't seem to get myself to practice it regularly, or even often. (I have 6 tabs about mindfulness and methods of mindfulness open on my Chromebook currently, and I downloaded yet another app on my phone for it. Maybe one of these things will finally work.)

At various points over the last couple years, I've found interest in Quora, and in particular, the questions and answers about mental illness. There are certainly always the ones that are simply trolls, or the answers that are just mean and jerk people. I've been getting emails from Quora over the last week, over and over about the same question- "What cured your depression?" And I really haven't wanted to open it because I mean really, what would I answer if I tried? "Well, I'm not cured yet, after trying this ridiculously long list of things."??? But this morning I finally opened it, found a couple annoying answers, but found one that linked to an amazing answer to a slightly different question- "What is depression?" Not sure if I've ever read it before, or ever linked to it before, but I'm linking to it now, because EVERYONE should read this.

(Also, I know that everything I've typed so far has been rather disjointed, but that's just kinda how my thoughts are lately. So you'll just have to deal with it.)

I did appreciate this quote on the white board in the ECT office yesterday, so I'm sharing it.

I will try to appreciate that strength that supposedly or maybe I have.

I look at the world and I notice it's turning, while my guitar gently weeps

Wednesday, 08/17/16, 10:05am

School starts back up tomorrow. RG will be starting 3rd grade, TK will be in kindergarten although he doesn't officially start until Monday. We need this probably but I don't really feel ready. Even though theoretically I'll have all this extra time, at least when TK is at school (he's only part time for kindergarten).

I haven't been doing so great lately. Really I haven't been doing well since Adam died, but his death is not the only reason I'm not doing well. I also made the choice to share my blog more widely which has been a good experience in a lot of ways but also a bit terrifying, overwhelming, and in some ways shaming. Although I don't believe there is any shame in living with a mental illness, I feel shame when I think about what others think of me after reading what I share. I wonder if I just come across as a "crazy", confirming what many assume and stigmatize about mental illness. I feel less connected with some people in my life since sharing so widely. Perhaps this blog was a better thing to keep guarded and well protected, for my own sanity.

But then I do wish mental illness could be more talked about, I want (for myself and others) to feel that I can be open in sharing my struggles, and I want some of that mental illness stigma to break down. I suppose how can I bring that about without being open?

Someone said something recently to me with relation to internet/facebook/blogging and getting a job. There is so much out there now available to learn about people, I suppose my blogging could prevent me getting a job in the future. If I struggle as much as I do with depression, am I qualified to hold a job?

One of the reasons I quit my job last year was because of my depression. It was also for the kids and having the opportunities to be more involved in the school, etc. Of course. But there was a part of me that felt like working was too hard with my depression.

I think I keep finding things in my life that I can't keep up with and that just further validates (in my mind) the belief that I'm a failure.

Nasser and I have been trying to look back on my time with depression and see if we can pinpoint any times where I was doing much better. We can't really say that my life has been significantly improved by any of the medications I've tried. Maybe it's hard to determine that in hindsight, but it's enough to prompt us to want to try something new. I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday and I'm now in the process of weaning my antidepressant and will be starting a new one next week.

I guess we wait and see.

I've been scared for a long time to try a new medication. I'm scared of the side effects of weaning off one. And I'm worried the new medication won't help or maybe it will make me worse. I'm scared.

But it's time. We take a deep breath, maybe count backwards from 10, and say "it'll be ok". Maybe this time I'll find the right one. If not, we'll figure it out. That's really how my life has been for a long time now: we'll figure it out. As long as we can take this attitude, I think we'll manage.

Monday morning, for the first time in a long time, I got up early and went for a run, before Nasser needed to leave for work. It seems like I should have been able to do that regularly this summer, and it probably would have helped me so much with the depression, but lately it's like I can't get out of bed in the mornings. Monday I did though. I did a 3.8mi run and felt good.

Of course yesterday I was cleaning up a bit in the house, and I pulled my hamstring while I was bending over. I feel so stupid, but it's bad enough I can't really run. After parking at the school open house this morning, we all ran across the street and, oh my, that was painful.

what the hell am I doing here?

Tuesday, 02/09/16, 8:11pm

I don't want to blog but I'm going to try. I want to feel better, and not like a failure.

I am missing choir rehearsal right now. Because when it came time to leave for it, I freaked out. I had an anxiety attack followed by a depression attack that was much related to the shame of the anxiety attack.

This week is busy. And it kinda feels like I keep adding things to this week, or needing to back off on many things this week, and I then feel like a failure. I feel like the juggling metaphor and the few balls that I haven't already dropped are in the air and I'm desperately trying to catch them as they come down.

It's not that bad. I don't have that much to do. But apparently it's more than I can handle and it makes me feel ashamed that I'm not handling it well.

So now the question becomes, do I back off on going to the Denver Art Museum with friends tomorrow, attending the PTO meeting in the afternoon so that I can report on box tops totals which I've spent the last week counting, and then prepping our house to get cleaned on Thursday? Do I back off on every activity or just 1 or 2 or do I go for totally taking the pressure off and back off on all? I guess we'll wait and see how I'm feeling about it in the morning. Besides all those optional activities, Nasser has his HOA meeting tomorrow night, I have to get 3 prescriptions filled before the weekend, and I need to pack so we can leave by 3pm Thursday afternoon for a weekend in the mountains, skiing. Oh right, don't forget all the laundry I need to finish in order to pack. Oh and I'm sure there are several other things I need to do but they're just floating around in my head and I'm not remembering them at the moment.

I guess I need a list. Hmmmm.

Item number 1. Make list. Item number 2. Go to bed early. Item number 3. Wake up early and workout. Item number 4. Go from there. (If numbers 2 and 3 don't happen, skip several activities tomorrow to get that workout in.)

I guess I've got a little more focus now from the overwhelming feeling. That's something, right?