living in cloud cuckoo land: why did you have to go

Sunday, 05/15/16, 2:08, 4:47, 6:08pm

Since 12:48am Saturday morning, it's been hard to function.

It was a call from my mother-in-law to tell us that Adam, Nasser's brother, had been walking on the railroad tracks and was hit by a train. He was killed Friday night.

I go into crying fits every so often. When it just feels too overwhelming. And my body won't stop shaking.

Remember Adam, dear longer term readers and friends who have learned the story in the recent days? I haven't talked about him much since my first post many months ago because as I started sharing my blog more, I felt it wasn't my place to tell his story. Now it is my duty to share his story.

Adam was a charming, unbelievably intelligent, cheerful person. He suffered from paranoid schizophrenia in the last 4-6 ish years of his life. We don't know exactly when the symptoms first started to develop, but we think it was during the year he was in college. This is "normal" for schizophrenia, and "psychotic symptoms usually emerge in men in their late teens and early 20s and in women in their mid-20s to early 30s." (Ref: WebMD). The symptoms all makes sense now, but it was awhile before the diagnosis came. Most of us didn't understand what was going on for awhile. It was my mother-in-law who first realized what might be going on and started researching.

Convincing someone that they have an illness, when that illness changes their perspective and realities, is not an easy thing to do. Adam believed everyone was out to get him, so why should he trust anyone? But then he was able to overcome that. Going to the hospital that first time was voluntary. Many of the coming visits would not be.

The next three and a half years after the diagnosis were ups and downs of taking medications, miserable side effects, not taking medications, hospital visits, police calls to the house, Medicaid, getting kicked off Medicaid for not using it because the doctor he already had wasn't available under it, waitlists for groups homes, substance abuse programs, applying for Disability, car and bike accidents, holes in the walls. Despite everything, he did try over and over and over again.

My mother-in-law, as a result of Adam's illness has become an advocate for mental health. She has become involved in local groups that help find and provide housing for people with mental illness and national groups that provide education and support for people with mental illness as well as their care givers. I think the rest of us so affected my Adam's life and illness and death are soon to follow. I suppose that's the only upside. This experience can help us help others not go through the same thing. As much as we possibly can.

Of course a lot of the issue is the stigma around mental illness. If mental illness were treated like any physical illness, mental healthcare would be significantly better around the world. Yet there's this underlying belief that it is somehow the fault of the person who has it. And that belief is utterly and completely false.

I do believe that if there was more funding in the research of mental illness, causes, and treatments, people like Adam could be cared for to live a fulfilling and purposeful life. If more people cared about mental illness as a problem in this world that we have the duty to work towards fixing, perhaps we wouldn't just use mental illness as a scapegoat for mass shootings. Perhaps we can prevent devastating deaths like Adam's if we could get people the care they need when and where they need it.

If any of my readers are called to donate, please consider this fund the family has set up in Adam's memory. From my sister-in-law, "we will give to both NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and a research center dedicated to brain diseases. by splitting the fund, we are hoping to help with both preventative research, as well as supporting NAMI which is an organization that provides information on coping mechanisms and guidance after a family member has already received a diagnosis."

Every donation is meaningful and appreciated.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures of Adam, since I knew him, which has only been the last almost 9 years. I wish I'd known him much much longer. I do believe I will meet Adam again someday, in whatever kind of afterlife it ends up being. I haven't felt certain or entitled in all those beliefs in a very long time.