and I'll try, oh Lord I'll try, to carry on

Thursday, 08/11/16, 9:41am

Sometimes I question my choice to be so open about my depression. It's not an easy thing to do, and although I write a lot about my struggles, doing so doesn't feel easy in a lot of ways. I guess it feels easy to write about it. To just let the words rush out of me, putting all those thoughts down, and I don't really consider the aspect of people will read my words. When I'm talking about my depression in person though, it's easy for me to "lose my cool", my teeth chatter out of nervousness, and sometimes I break down in tears. Something about writing makes it so much easier for me.

I do get a lot of really supportive and appreciative feedback on the blog. I now have a lot more people in my life who have opened up to me about their own struggles, and many of them feel a sense of connection, of comfort, of support in reading about my life. I hope that is the case for all my readers. And I hope that with my words, I can give many people a better understanding of mental illness and break down some of the stigmas.

Despite all the good support, I notice the ones who "ignore" it all, choose not to respond (for whatever reason) when I do share, and sometimes I get "support" and advice from people who mean well, but don't really get depression. I don't say this to discourage others from sharing what works for them, etc, because when framed that way, it can do a lot of good.

For some background, I was in a bad place yesterday and I decided to reach out on facebook for support. Perhaps it was a bit more negative than most facebook posts and it sounded pretty desperate, but you also have to know I felt pretty desperate at the time. And I wanted to put it out there honestly, without any of the cutesy facebook things to downplay what I was going through.

I did get a lot of great support. In the form of facebook responses, likes/reactions, texts, phones calls, facebook messages, and emails.

But I felt some real pain from one attempt at support yesterday. And it put a damper on everything, and that's probably a reason that I don't make a good, tough person to be blogging and putting myself out there. I don't deal with criticism well, and I never have. But when that criticism comes in the form of "stop feeling sorry for yourself", I do lose my cool.

I don't want to go into much detail, and I still owe it to that person to explain why it doesn't help, but to me that's Depression 101. You don't ever tell someone with depression to "snap out of it", "stop feeling sorry for yourself", "just think positively". I get that people mean well, but before you go giving advice for an illness you clearly don't understand, read up on it.

I found this article about supporting someone with depression and thought it was really good.

She states at one point:

My depression is well-managed, and I still have very bad days. But even on my good days, I spend a lot of time and energy managing my mood, my sleep, my diet, my activity level, and my relationships so that I can continue to function.

This so rings true for me.

Depression is an illness of the brain. It is real, even if you don't always see it. It is a struggle, sometimes constant, and it often requires medical and/or therapeutic treatment, as well as a strong support network.

So I posted something super negative on facebook. I was in a place where I was already getting a lot of support- from family and Nasser, I had blogged, I had tried coping mechanisms at home. I had had therapy earlier that morning. And I was still in a really bad place. Maybe you think I should have taken myself to the hospital, but based on my previous experience, I have no interest in going back there. Maybe it's good for getting out of "crisis" mode, but for me, the hospital doesn't help much long term. One of the great reasons to be in a psychiatric hospital is to have the safe, controlled environment in which you can find medication that works. For me, with depression, that wouldn't work so easily. Antidepressants usually take 4-6weeks to kick in, so that would put me in the hospital for a long time. The trauma of that "failure" (the way I would think about that, being in a hospital for months at a time) would have such negative effects on me that it wouldn't be worth it. We all remember that I consider myself a failure because I couldn't nurse RG... even though I exclusively pumped breastmilk for a whole year. How stupid and irrational is my thinking sometimes, right? And yet, I always see both sides of the coin. I see those emotional, negative thoughts and my rational side knows that those thoughts are ridiculous. But when I'm in a depressive episode, it's very difficult for my rational side to show itself, at all.

I am doing better today. Recovering from the vulnerability hangover of having shared so openly and honestly yesterday. I am recovering from the painful and ignorant advice I was given yesterday. I am recovering from the shame and embarrassment of having shared, of having required so much support. And I'm trying to be kind to myself and remind myself that there is no shame in reaching out for help.

Here I am today, working at being better.

and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on

Monday, 08/08/16, 12:58pm, 2:05pm

I shared my last post on facebook, since I was "fulfilling the Love your Spouse Challenge". And, like most of the times when I share a bit more widely, I felt some of that vulnerability hangover that I've felt before. That sick to your stomach feeling of oh crap, I just shared some really honest things about myself! And the inevitable does everyone who reads my stuff just think I'm nuts and what they read confirms the stigma around mental illness? I hope not, but I don't often get much feedback. So far it's been all positive, but I wonder if the negative opinions have just been keeping their mouths shut not wanting to say it because they know I'm "delicate" with my emotions. More likely people don't know how to respond to the things I write about or don't feel comfortable doing so. And that's part of what I'd like to break down in writing about mental illness.

Is it a question of you don't know what to say? Personally, I just like knowing that there are people out there who care about my well-being, who support me with thoughts or prayers or good vibes. Whether that's a quick email/google chat/text/facebook message/+1 to the blog post to say how are things going today? Or just a smiley face to say thinking of you. It's hard to know how to support someone who is going through something so unfamiliar to you, or even familiar, but has a stigma. And supporting someone who is a bit emotionally volatile. I guess I am that, although it's hard to admit.

It was hard to support Adam, my brother-in-law who many know suffered from schizophrenia. He was often emotionally volatile, and there were the added side effects of his illness; you often competed with the voices in his head.

Sometimes supporting is staying out of that person's issues until called on for support. Sometimes it's offering kind words on a random day. Sometimes it's watching their kids for them to get in a run or bike ride or therapy appointment. Sometimes it's sitting with them while they cry. Sometimes it's chatting electronically so that they can hide their lows comfortably.

For those of you out there who worry about me but aren't sure how to express it, please know that I am trying as hard as I feel I can when it comes to my mental health treatment. I get that the state of my well-being sometimes is scary, but those times don't magically disappear with a pill, even if it's the right one. I'm working on it, we're working on it, and support from you means the world to me and helps me improve.

Lots of love to all my readers, wherever you may be. I hope that you all have a strong support network for the struggles you go through in life, whatever they may be. Whatever support I may provide in writing, I hope to provide it. I am humbled by those who have told me they find comfort in my words, and only wish to continue doing so. If you are having a tough day or hour or year, it's often hard to remember that it gets better. But it's true, it gets better.  And if it doesn't, get help. From those who love you, from the girl blogger from cloud cuckoo land, if there's any way for her to help. ;)

does it feel left behind, all alone, all alone

Tuesday, 06/21/16, 3:25pm

I think I now know the vulnerability hangover. There's the glaring thought in my brain today of "what were you thinking, sharing your blog on facebook? most of those people barely know you!" I've just invited a whole bunch of people in to know me much much better.

Gulp.

Ok, but I chose to do that. Fully knowing these feelings may come. But many of these feelings seem petty and weak and... I feel awful and low over the thoughts going through my head. I feel like I should be stronger or something, but maybe my feelings are perfectly natural.

I need to remember my goal. (Really the number one goal is to help me; my blog provides my writing therapy). But I also hope that through my words I may help those who struggle with mental illness, help those who support people with mental illness, and break down the stigma a little bit at a time.

I refer to the stigma a lot around mental illness, but does everyone understand what it is and what it means? When I search "stigma", Google's first definition that pops up is:

stig·ma

ˈstiɡmə/

noun

1. 1.

   a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

   "the stigma of mental disorder"

   synonyms:

   shame, disgrace, dishonor, ignominy, opprobrium, humiliation, (bad) reputation "the stigma of bankruptcy"

Notice how the first example is "the stigma of mental disorder". Now really, if someone has a disease of the brain, why the FUCK should they feel ashamed, disgraced, or dishonored in any possible way????

We need to all understand, mental illness is NOT in the control of the person who has it. It is within that person's control to seek treatment, however it is made harder to do so because of the debilitating fear of stigma.

The fear of being rejected, of being told it's your fault. The fear that others will think differently of you, that others will define you by your illness.

Those fears are not unfounded. Mental illness is so stigmatized, people are afraid to discuss it. Only in relevance to mass shootings, as one of the causes. That just makes the stigma worse.

Take a little break, and watch this episode of John Oliver's on Mental Health. He's got his facts straight. It's worth your time, even if you can only dedicate a minute to start it.

It's hard to watch it, and not be reminded of how our mental healthcare system failed Adam.

For me, stigma is a friend who has closed off to me ever since I became open about my illness. I notice those and they hurt. Stigma was not being able to get the right care from my ob-gyn because I mentioned the word depression. The fear of stigma is not wanting to go out in public when I'm depressed and I worry people will judge me. The fear of stigma was refusing to call the doctor when I first realized I was depressed. I had to get over that hump too. And that hump can vary in size between people. It's often worse for men, because society creates these strong man expectations and because depression is viewed as weakness.

Ugh, stigma. It makes us refuse to talk about mental illness and so makes these diseases incredibly lonely. I refuse to stop talking about it. Even if I stand alone.

I may be paranoid, but not an android

Wednesday, 03/02/16, 7:41am

Sometimes it can be hard to blog again after sharing with additional people. After Monday's post I decided to send an email to people I've already shared with as well as some new ones, and I was quite surprised after adding names to the bcc list to see how many there were. And then, of course, I got overwhelmed with the stats of my blog. Watching the pageviews go up can be super exciting yet also quite daunting. I've received a number of support emails since although I haven't felt comfortable responding to all of them yet. Yeah that's right, despite how brutally honest I get in my blog, I don't feel comfortable responding to emails always. But that's me.

I think I've had a little of what Brené Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover". It really hasn't been too bad, but I definitely felt too scared to blog yesterday.

Vulnerability hangovers can happen after a long talk with a friend about depression, after opening up to someone new, after an emotionally heavy therapy or psychiatrist appointment. At least that's how it happens with me. I question whether I should have talked about certain things, I wonder if people are judging me, and I also feel excited that I dared greatly. It tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster. The vulnerability hangover is probably the main reason therapy can be so hard and not always feel like it's helping. The first appointment (or more) with a new therapist comes with heavy vulnerability hangovers. It is such an emotional toll to spill out your story to someone new, especially someone you don't really know yet and you're not even sure you want to know. Therapy is one of those things where it often gets worse before it gets better. I think a big reason people who "don't like" therapy (beyond the stigma people have) don't benefit because they never get past that first appointment or first few appointments. I once went just one time to a new therapist. I was in the process of "trying out" new therapists, and saw someone who was on my insurance list but I really didn't know more about her. The experience was not super pleasant. I had the emotional rollercoaster of going through my story with someone new, but then I additionally felt a lot of judgement from her on certain things. I think the good therapists try to limit any judgement or at least, don't let it show.

Let's talk about stigma again though. I never back away from talking about it. Because we need to. The stigma around mental illness makes it difficult for people to get support because it becomes this thing that we are just completely unable to talk about. Even though I get brutally honest in my blog, it doesn't mean that I talk about depression openly and honestly with people in my life. I talk about it with some people sometimes. And it's usually an uncomfortable conversation, we get shifty eyed, and we wait and hope for the conversation to end. That's not always true, but that tends to be how it's talked about in person. And seriously, what. the. hell. Mental illness is disease of the brain, which as researchers are increasingly learning, can strongly be related to biological processes in the brain or the weakness/strength of certain neurological pathways. The most recent evidence in schizophrenia research suggest that a specific gene is contributing to excessive "synaptic pruning," which is the elimination of connections between neurons.

Despite all this, the stigma equates mental illness to psychological weakness. Doesn't that suck? So many people suffer from mental illness, about 1 in 5 in any given year according to the Mayo Clinic. And yet, all these people are "weak"???? Why can't we treat mental illness like we do with any illness? Why do we have to be embarrassed to be on anti-depressants, anxiety medication, or anti-psychotics? Why, when someone could really benefit from one of these medications, do they refuse treatment? It would be considered abnormal to refuse treatment for a thyroid condition, for diabetes, for stage 1 cancer. And yet, we do for mental illness.

Now granted, I've come a long way in fighting my own stigmas. I am on medications and no longer feel the need to wean myself from them, although I used to feel that way. I go to therapy, although I still look for ways to spread my appointments out more because I think I shouldn't need to go as often or I feel guilty about the cost. I still have to overcome the stigma a little to share these things about myself. But I know others who have never had professional treatment. Maybe they can manage it well enough on their own, and some people can depending on the severity, but I hope these people aren't refusing treatment because of the stigma. And if so, I hope I can help dispel the fears a little. Because treatment is worth it. Taking the edge off the illness with medication, taking yourself out of the cloud is worth it. Talking through coping mechanisms with a therapist and practicing ways to strengthen the positive neurological pathways is worth it.

I hope to someday live in a world where mental illness is simply treated as it comes up. I hope to someday live in a world where we have accessibility to better treatments with fewer side effects. I hope to someday live in a world where we can talk about mental illness as a society, focusing on making things better for those with mental illness as well as for those caring for loved ones with mental illness. This isn't something we can hide under the carpet anymore.