Relationships are hard. Any and all of them can be hard. Marriage partners, family members, in-laws, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. And you get the added difficulty of trying to stay in touch with people when you don't live in the same area. It's hard. And relationship dynamics are different with different people. Some friends take offense when you're not great about keeping in touch, and for other friends, although you may not talk very often, whether it be weeks, months, or even years, you can pick up where you left off and you know that you both care about eachother still.
Sometimes there are strains on certain relationships that will never go away. Topics that are always off limits, pains of old hurts. Sometimes you can keep a relationship by just avoiding some of those things, sometimes you can talk these things through and get to a stronger place, and sometimes the relationship can never recover. The ideal, of course, is that you talk about issues and get to a stronger place in this shared relationship. And me being a perfectionist, I want to fix all my relationships to always be in a stronger place. And maybe that's not always possible. I try, I worry, I think a lot, I worry some more. But maybe sometimes I just need to let go of certain things. Maybe, if possible, it's a better compromise to keep relationships and just avoid talking about certain things.
I know I've been really vague in this post so far, but for now, let's take for example, my depression. In the last several months, I've become so much more open about my depression. I've shared my blog with a fair number of people, I even shared it openly on Google+, and I know I have some readers, but I know that not everyone I've shared with has read it. Maybe they want to take the time and just haven't gotten around to it. That sounds like something I would do. But maybe a fair number of people I've shared with are uncomfortable about mental illness. It's not something they're interested in reading because of their own stigmas. I keep thinking if people would just read my blog, I could dispel of these stigmas and change people's mindsets. And yet, I have to accept that I don't have any control (but maybe some influence?) over people's mindsets. We all come with our own emotional baggage that is affected by our experiences, each of our relationships, and our ingrained beliefs. If someone equates depression with weakness, that belief is likely one that started at a young age, and has been made stronger as that person has become an adult. They likely meet most discussion of depression, or perhaps all mental illness, with avoidance and suspicion. They are less likely to read my blog anyway, and therefore less likely to ever hear the story of someone who lives with it. How then, can their belief have any chance of changing? People first need to be open to listen.
Perhaps we all need to greet life with a little more openness and empathy. We need to be open to hearing about other people's experiences, we need to listen and respond with empathy. I really think that all relationships can be mended if both parties meet the relationship with an open mind and empathy. I do wonder if these characteristics were brought into every aspect of life, again, marriage, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, how the world could change. We could greatly reduce the violence in our world. We could improve care of eachother in our life challenges, financially, medically, emotionally. We could work more harmoniously with eachother and I think, work more productively and efficiently. We could come together in our communities more, we could come together as a nation more, and as a world more. Perhaps we could think more long term in the way we live our lives, and consider everyone's problems, including our planet's. How I wish we could all keep an open mind and respond to others (all others) with empathy.
Do we all know what empathy is? Even if you do and you consider yourself empathetic, it is worth it to watch this 3 minute animated clip (found here or below) on empathy, narrated by Brené Brown. (Hey does that name ring a bell? You remember me mentioning her awhile back? If you have time now and didn't do it before, now's a great time to watch her TED talks too- here and here. Of course, now in linking to these videos, I am re-watching and feeling re-validated in my current life over and over again. Watch these videos people; it is so worth your time.)
Empathy is feeling with people, as Brené says in the empathy clip. Empathy is so powerful. And I'm not sure I'm negative enough to think that many people in this world have no capacity for empathy. I think we all have it, from birth. It can be warped and diminished by being exposed to violence, or disease, either physical or mental, and not being provided with love. We can shut it down as we grow up because we are taught to believe that being vulnerable makes us weak. And you need to be vulnerable in order to be empathetic rather than sympathetic.
As a parent, who is still learning to understand the importance of being vulnerable and empathetic in her own life, I want so much for my children to grow up with these same values. I want them to keep an open mind; I want them to understand that vulnerability is not weakness; I want them to approach others with empathy and a capacity to love. With just those values, they will be able to connect with others around them and improve the lives of the people they meet. Shouldn't we all be striving for that?
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