I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings, coming down is the hardest thing

Sunday, 10/08/17, 11:23am, 1:34pm, 3:33pm (plus all the draft times this week, including the hour this morning that I'd been writing and nothing saved, you effing blogger, you!)

Oi, whatever. I've had some time to get over losing the entire post that was ready to publish, and I've decided that this new one will just be better.

That's the attitude to take when things go wrong, right? And that's certainly not something that is instinctual for me, but I'm working on it.

I haven't blogged since the Las Vegas shooting that happened last Sunday evening. I don't really want to say much, there's plenty being said out there anyway, but the one thing I want to add to the conversation is my frustration that every time we have a mass shooting (and they happen way more often in this country than they should), many, many people decide to blame mental illness/ mental healthcare so that they can take the blame off of some of the more obvious and true factors. I appreciated this article which discusses the many reasons "Better Mental-Health Care Won't Stop Mass Shootings." I could quote the entire article here to state my case, but I'll just put in this one bit:

“If we were able to magically cure schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depression, that would be wonderful,” Jeffrey Swanson, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Duke University School of Medicine, told ProPublica. “But overall violence would go down by only about 4 percent.”

Personally, my depressed and anxious thoughts have never once led to thoughts of mass killing or violence against others in any way; the only "violent" thoughts I've had have been directed towards myself. It's so unfortunate that these mass killings keep happening, obviously, for many reasons, but it most certainly doesn't help the stigma against mental illness. And that just makes the journey towards recovery that much more difficult for people like me.

And yet, the difficulty I encounter doesn't deter me from "daring greatly" and continuing this blog and continuing to tell my story to neighbors and acquaintances and friends and family and friends of friends. I've had the uncomfortable silences and quick topic changes and shifting glances with people plenty of times before, and I've been told in various ways to "get over it" or lost friends or been recommended all kinds of things that don't help, or I've tried plenty of times before, or aren't even applicable to depression versus simple sadness. I've had to sit through all kinds of completely non-entertaining jokes that undermine the struggle I've gone through. And yet, I've also been told, by many people, that I'm brave, that I'm strong. I've been thanked over and over for being open about my struggles. Now that I'm doing quite a bit better, so many people have shared with me their happiness over my recovery. I've been hugged and been offered help and love countless times. I've been shown appreciation by fellow sufferers of mental illness for being open. The good bits make it all worth it. And when it's someone who has similar difficulties who feels helped, even just remotely, by my blog and by my being open, that feels the most touching to my heart. I told an acquaintance today that I am a patient, first and a mental health advocate, second. I hope to make things better for all of us sufferers as much as I can.

I also wanted to share with you fine readers some things from this week. This was my first full week being off the 24/7 supervision requirement. (As a reminder, I'm still going through electro-convulsive therapy, or ECT, but we're down to treatment once every two weeks right now. I guess we are truly into the maintenance phase of ECT, but we're still hoping to spread the treatments out even more eventually. We'll keep it at every 2 weeks for several more treatments to make sure I'm not deteriorating the few days prior to each treatment before we spread it out more. Oh and I still have 24/7 on treatment days, of course.) I'd say that the week went pretty well, but I think I noticed a lack of confidence quite a few times. But I think I need to figure out, it feels like it's from scratch, how to live with myself, for myself, all over again. I think I haven't really known how to do that, successfully, for many years now. I have a pile of books I want to, plan to read, several of which are of the more "self-help" type, but it's been rather difficult to read for quite some time now. The treatment made it really hard to get through any kind of reading, like my brain couldn't handle it, maybe still can't handle it. I started re-reading this week a book I got years ago, at the recommendation of a therapist, called Mind Over Mood, but I haven't gotten very far yet. And this one has lots of exercises in it too, so not strictly reading. It feels like therapy has been helping more the last several sessions, than it has in a long while. I'm also practicing more with a phone app I have to help with calming down in the moment. The only one I like so far is called "Meditation Game", although I've been downloading several more free ones to try to find a few options for myself. I've still been using the mood tracking app, "Daylio", and it's actually been a full two weeks since my mood has fallen below the average rating, or "meh". That's pretty good, in my humble opinion. I'm still working on my schedule for this week, but I plan to put a little more responsibility onto my shoulders, at least a few times, even if it's only for short periods of time.

I have another big thing to tell you all. I drove yesterday, for the first time in almost four months... woah. It didn't go entirely to plan, because originally I was going to drive my car, which is automatic, but when it was time to leave with the kids, it wouldn't start. I guess it shouldn't come as much of a surprise since we haven't actually started it in several months. We ended up using Nasser's car, which is manual, so... that was fun. It really wasn't too bad, but I learned stick shift later in life, so it made the driving again experience a bit more stressful. We didn't have the kids with us, of course; RG had a birthday party and we took TK to my parents' house for a playdate with his cousin while all the grownups watched the Cubs' game (stinkin' Cubs yesterday!!! ps- yeah I'm a Cubs fan since I grew up in the northwest suburbs of Chicago). We started me off in an empty parking lot, then progressed to the empty road in the business park, then on to real streets (taking the smaller roads where possible) back to my parents' house. We hung out for a bit and put in an order for Thai food before heading out again. This time I drove on some of the busier streets to pick up some dessert before even busier streets to then highway to get the Thai food. Nasser took over after that to pick up RG from the birthday party and head back to my parents' house. All in all a decent amount of driving, and I feel a bit more confident, although I'd prefer to get back to my car sometime soon, once it's fixed. We haven't decided yet when I'll drive on my own, and of course, then eventually, with the kids.

It feels like lots been happening, even though it hasn't really been that much, it's just... life. Despite being so much better than "before" (before ECT really), there's plenty of ups and downs, which still surprise me, oftentimes. As a friend said at the Moms' Night Out we had this week (which was so, so, so wonderful to be around my big group of mom friends again), "it's hard to be human."

Let's finish off with some gorgeous fall colors pictures... before we get snow (pwhat???!!!) here in Colorado tonight and tomorrow. (This is real, I'm not kidding...)

threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light. shine on you crazy diamond.

Saturday, 06/18/16, 11:52pm/ Sunday, 06/19/16, 1:09am (it got late!)

I am not perfect. I am not perfect.

I can never be perfect.

Perfection is an illusion, an idea that doesn't actually exist, at least anywhere on earth. Human beings have yet to find perfection and yet to achieve perfection. I'd be tempted to say that math and science are perfect but then you have things that exist like irrational numbers and genetic mutations.

Some would say God is perfect. God, gods, Allah, whatever you call this being. Could be. But maybe perfection cannot exist, even for a god. I think the God I believe in is perfect. The God I believe in is not jealous, is not hateful, is not spiteful, does not favor one over another, and is pure.

I did a lot today. Audra joined me on my full brick workout this morning. ~20mi biking, much of it along US 36 between Boulder and Denver, along the new bike path,

AND almost 3mi running. Although could you call it running? It was a rather slow pace. But Audra is always kind enough to go at my speed (hah, she thought I was going at her speed when she was pushing the double stroller with two 30-40lb kids?). It felt great to get that much exercise in and feel more confident about this upcoming triathlon.

I also got my hair dyed. I wasn't quite sure what color I was going with when I walked in, but it ended up a red again. There's supposed to be a violet tint, which I can tell in certain lights. PS, I am not naked in these photos. The tank straps are behind all that lovely, gorgeous hair. Hah.

I had some really good friend time (you all remember Nasser and the boys are outta town right? Hence all the me time) this evening with 2 different friends,

and

I shared my blog on facebook.

(It is my personal jab at facebook that I refuse to capitalize their name on my blog. Even though Google tells me it's spelled wrong. I love facebook and I hate facebook. And I suppose I might hate that I love it sometimes too.)

I've been thinking about doing this for a very long time actually. And I finally decided to take the plunge today. I've mostly been avoiding looking on facebook since posting it, but I have checked (and read and commented) a few times.

There are lots of reasons I decided to do it. And in the end it felt like there was more to gain than to lose. I could bare my vulnerability to the world and dare greatly, as Brené Brown puts it (hey readers, remember her?), although the true credit for the phrase goes to Theodore Roosevelt. The part of his speech she quoted in the book, the famous part, I'll paste below, from "Citizenship in a Republic":

"It is not the critic who counts; 

not the man who points out 

how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds 

could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, 

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; 

who strives valiantly; 

who errs, who comes short again and again, 

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; 

but who does actually strive to do the deeds; 

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; 

who spends himself in a worthy cause; 

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, 

and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

It is excruciatingly hard to be vulnerable. To share your story, share your pain. I do so only behind the safety of my Chromebook.

But I think the more we do so, the more we bring empathy into the world. And just in case I have any new readers who've never seen it, please check out the empathy cartoon below. It is still useful to those of us who have seen it many times. I will watch it with you now.

I think the best way to practice empathy is to share our stories and listen to each other's stories. You can never have the empathy if you don't listen as well. I hope I do so with my friends and loved ones. I try to.

Some people say the key to stopping mass shootings is to enact some gun control, others say we need more God in the world. Still others say we need to crack down on terrorism, while others say we need love. I think a big part of the equation is empathy. If you can empathize with others, you start to value each other more. You value human life more, you value working together more. You value your planet more, and you value your fellow human beings' rights and freedoms more. I think empathy is the key to it all. Here's my equation:

X (empathy) + y (love/morals/values/God) + z (reasonable limits on what weapons go into the power of what people, at all levels of society- civilian up through presidents/dictators) = a safer and happier world with fewer wars and deaths of all kind

all I really want is some comfort

Monday, 04/11/16, 10:40am

There are a number of things I should be doing right now, but I've decided what I need most is to blog.

The weather reflects my mood today, rainy and gloomy. It's a day where I really just want to be lazy at home, but I won't get that until later this afternoon. I'm at my sister's house right now; we were supposed to switch off running/cycling, but I decided I didn't want to bike in this weather. That decision means I need to do something on my own later in order to get a workout in. And I really should get a workout in, considering my mood. I am volunteering in RG's class around lunchtime so that is also keeping us out of the house today.

I started reading Rising Strong by Brené Brown, kinda the follow up book to Daring Greatly (remember my obsession with that book awhile back? If you never watched her TED talks, now's another reminder to do so). I'm actually doing a workshop with her (and lots of other participants) this Saturday. The focus is more on Rising Strong than her other books, so really, I should try to finish it. That's one of those items on my task list, that list of things I should be doing right now, other than blogging.

I think that Rising Strong will be good for me. The tagline on the front cover says "If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. This is a book about what it takes to get back up." Sounds pretty useful to me, considering how often I fall.

I feel like I'm on the verge of falling today. Trying to do everything possible, except that original plan for exercise, to avoid it. I'm going to limit my expectations today though. Accomplish the things I'm feeling stressed about, the things I was committed to, and maybe some extra reading wherever possible. I already removed the expectation that I finish this book before the workshop when I signed up for it in the first place, but it feels like I'm subconsciously resetting that expectation this week.

The sun is coming out now. Maybe I will try to allow the metaphor to the weather to continue, and let the sun wash over the stress I'm feeling. I can do this.