you've got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it, don't say that later will be better

Sunday, 09/24/17, 5:23pm

I've been debating the last ten to fifteen minutes about whether or not I actually want to blog today. I guess I finally decided to try. But I can't guarantee anything mind-blowing or lengthy or whatever.

I felt really great when I blogged on Friday, really that whole day. I felt like, hey, I can handle this depression thing. And although I'm feeling slightly more capable now, five hours ago I felt like I was in the depths of some of the worst depression ever. But I'm going to take a deep breath and write about it, I'm going to dare greatly and share about stuff that is very difficult to share.

It's weird. Yesterday, for as Nasser called it, 2/3 of the day, I really was doing well, I was enjoying the day, I felt good. Then I got triggered somehow, I yelled at the kids quite a bit, I felt like Nasser scolded me about that, really I think he just asked me to stop yelling at them, but I felt like a complete failure: as a mother, as a person, in my existence. I've questioned my existence a lot this weekend, and that's been tough. Nasser has been supporting me, a ton, and really got me through the worst of it today, enough so that I actually feel like I made a decent recovery. A recovery, like I'd been talking about on Friday, that wouldn't have happened before ECT, remember electro-convulsive therapy, this crazy treatment I've been going through since mid-June. Today's state had me wondering if I need another round of acute phase of ECT, you know the time for a few weeks where I have to have treatment 3x a week. It sounds awful to have to go through that again, but that's how bad I felt earlier today. Then, this afternoon's "recovery" has me feeling like maybe that doesn't have to be the answer. (By the way, I think the biggest part of my recovery this afternoon was getting myself to get out for a run, in the rain. It wasn't a long run, but it was slightly longer than the last, also slightly faster, and felt a bit better, maybe partially because of the rain.) Nasser mentioned maybe we could look at other antidepressant options. I mentioned on Friday we have an appointment with the doctor; I had been referring to the ECT doctor, but we also have an appointment with my regular psychiatrist this week too. I even have an appointment with my therapist. Lots of good, important appointments. And, really, exercise was always super important to me, and maybe it still really is, probably it still is. And it's been awfully hard to get exercise in, especially the way I want it, with ECT. I mean, for quite a bit of the treatment, I had tons of fatigue, plus treatments rather often, so it was almost impossible to do anything. Now, it seems the 24/7 thing gets in the way of a lot of exercise. I need a buddy for everything, and granted, I've been doing walks a lot more often with the family I hang out with, with is so much better than nothing. But, I miss bike rides and runs, and the freedom to exercise however I want, whenever I want. The flexibility in the 24/7 is helping, and I know we are getting there, slowly.

Oh that neighborhood party I was talking about on Friday didn't happen this weekend. They moved it due to weather, which is good considering all the rain today. I have to say, I kinda enjoyed the bit of cold and rainy weather this weekend. It helped avoid the guilt and shame feelings of not spending tons of time outside, which wouldn't have helped my depression. I've really enjoyed wearing sweatshirts and comfy sweatpants. Plus, I think the colder weather plus rain rather helped my run today. I'm looking forward to lots of colder fall weather.

Alright, I don't know that I have much more to say. I shared about the ups and downs of my weekend. Hoping to keep chugging along alright. FYI, all you friends (and really anyone) out there who struggle with similar stuff, and hide it from almost everyone you know, or don't hide it, because everyone's struggle sucks, I hold you all in my hearts closely. Lots of love to you all, dear readers~

I know I've felt like this before but now I'm feeling it even more

Saturday, 04/30/16, 4:18pm

I went for a run today, in the cold, overcast, light flurries, windy weather. The first two miles were really tough. I haven't run outside since last week's 9.39mi longest run ever run, although I did get 3mi in on a treadmill on Thursday. I don't know why exactly, but it felt like I had forgotten how to run. I was also running on the cul-de-sacs in the neighborhood for those first two miles so feeling better in the run may have coincided with the exit from the neighborhood. I ended up in some other neighborhoods across the street from ours and went further than I expected- 4.8mi. It was slow going but it felt good and my body and mind needed it.

Yesterday, we had another epic meltdown from TK on the way to the busstop to pick up RG. It was all so ridiculous, over the ending of tablet time, which is supposed to be a privilege not a right, but apparently I'm failing there. I felt horrible for a bit when I didn't see TK trip while I was waiting for the bus to get there; yeah I left him running behind because I was afraid we were going to be late again. And when I saw him sitting on the ground I thought he was just so mad at me. An older girl who had come off the bus asked him what happened and she told me about him tripping. Ooo, that hurt my ego. I didn't feel as bad for him when he was hitting me on the way back to the house. Sigh. Oh and he refused to come inside the house for a long time so I took a selfie of us.

But.

Despite this meltdown, I didn't have an episode this time. Of course the circumstances around my mental state were more favorable yesterday than they were last week. Last week we remember I had just gotten my stinkin period. (For those of you just joining us, I talk freely about periods here. Yeah that's right, take a deep breath and deal). But then really in both situations, I'd been doing the right things for my depression, especially getting exercise. Oh isn't it fun to experiment on myself to see what factors really affect my mental health? (Since you can't catch my tone in a blog, I'm being sarcastic). Looking forward to starting up that low hormone birth control to regulate those darn hormones.

I'm really going on a decent streak of good days. That's probably part of why I haven't been blogging much. I have to remind myself to blog more on the good days.

This weekend is a bit more relaxing, but starting next weekend we are super busy until after Memorial Day. My 10miler is next Sunday, Mother's Day, we have a friend's crawfish boil and the opera on Saturday. Then the following weekend I have choir concerts. Then my friend Jigna comes back for a quick visit and a concert to Red Rocks and we next head to DC for a long weekend and my friend Pete's wedding. And then. (Whew. Almost there). We have the end of the school year and Memorial Day weekend with my Bolder Boulder 10k run.

I guess this weekend is kinda the calm before the storm. But I also don't want to start dreading the upcoming excitement. I recently refilled my anti-anxiety medication and I expect I'll be using it a bit more often during the next month. I can take it as often as once a day, but it's only ever been that often for like a 3 day stretch. The last prescription of 30 pills lasted me 3 years. But I wanted to be prepared for this upcoming craziness with a refill. Doing so makes me feel proactive. But I still have to remind myself that that's what that is. I have to remind myself that I should not feel shame in filling an anti-anxiety med prescription. Stupid stigma.

I could go on and on about stigma but I'm going to stop here. Need to start making dinner soon. We're going to have an Asian night- homemade egg drop soup and a noodle, veggie, and tofu stirfry.

oh the weather outside is frightful

Saturday, 04/16/16, 11:37am, 1:00pm

Do you remember my puzzle? It's taken me a really long time, but I finally finished. Here's the progression:

11/07/15                                              12/01/15

04/12/16                                     04/13/16

04/14/16

04/16/16

I obviously took a big hiatus from the puzzle for a few months. Once I got back into it, I remembered all my metaphors between puzzles and life, and I felt accomplishment with each final piece. And since it took me over FIVE months to complete, it's a nice longer term accomplishment. Yeah, I gotta find the little things sometimes when I don't have a paying job.

Today is mostly a chill in the house kind of day. It was supposed to be my Brené Brown workshop day, but it got cancelled due to the impending weather. Rain, into snow, although the rain lasted a lot longer than expected, at least by us. The forecast was so bad that several airlines cancelled all flights in and out of Denver for today. My mother-in-law came into town on Thursday and was supposed to fly home tonight but now she's not really sure when she can get out of here. The boys are ecstatic, but Grandma needs to be back to leave for a road trip with Grandpoo Larry for some marathons he's got next week. (It's pretty cool, my mother-in-law and step father-in-law run marathons. They are rather active grandparents). 

Hah, I just sang the song "You need to find your lo-ooong pants" (to the tune of Auld Lang Syne) to my children and it worked beautifully. They ran upstairs to find long pants. 

Nevermind. It worked on RG, but not on TK. 

We have to leave the house for a friend's birthday party, who also lives in our neighborhood. Considering the weather, this is amazingly convenient. I am hoping we walk over, although the snow is blowing pretty hard right now. I usually take every excuse not to drive. If I can walk, or bike, I try to do it. I've definitely done several grocery trips on the weekend with just a bike and a backpack. 

Things have been ok lately. Just normal ups and downs. I've been working my way through Brené Brown's Rising Strong still, and that causes some additional ups and downs.