Today was hard. I blogged this morning about how all the bad stuff came back after feeling so wonderful and reflective last night. It didn't really get better much all day.
A bad day always sucks. I sob several times throughout the day after new triggers push me over that edge again. I go through bursts of functionality (although that's newer in recent years) throughout a bad day sometimes (sometimes a bad day is bad all day). This morning I was able to get it together enough to go to RG's school for an event. I even socialized a little with another mom I hadn't seen in awhile. I did a kickboxing workout and took care of TK during the day. I managed to pick up RG from the busstop and have another kid over for a playdate for awhile. (After writing all that, I'm realizing how productive I actually was today and keep remembering other little things I did). But.
Nasser went to work later because of the depression. I took care of kids today, but I wasn't exactly a prize-winning mother. Screens were involved several times today as help in caring for kids (by several, I mean more like a lot). I've taken a lot of me time today. I had to back out of a Costco trip with my parents partially because of TK's stomachache and partially because of the depression.
I'm trying to notice that my accomplishments for the day is a bigger list then my failures. It helps. And yet. I still feel like a failure. Because the #1 goal, being present for my kids and my family, was not accomplished.
I guess on days like today, I have to judge myself under a different set of expectations. I survived my depression another day. That's always something to be thankful of.
Typically after writing this much on the blog, I start to feel better. Today is not one of those days. Keep going, right? Maybe I'll still get there.
I read an article today about how mental illness gets reported by the media (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/janine-francolini/reporting-with-dignity-an_b_8697430.html), an article I would recommend reading to all. It is so depressing to think about how media portrayal of mental illness contributes to the stigma over mental illness. I posted this article to my facebook page with the statement "#LanguageMatters when we talk about mental illness. The responsibility is with each of us to educate ourselves. We would not make a mockery of someone with cancer; why do we when someone has a mental illness??" Four hours later, I sit here, with incredible disappointment over the people I know. That only six people have liked my post. I know, it's stupid to care about the number of likes I get. But. It's something that I care so passionately about, and I wish the people around me cared as much. I don't know. I recognize that my caring so much about facebook likes isn't healthy. I don't know if it's normal, but it shouldn't be. It's stupid and sad and pathetic for me to care so much.
When I realized earlier this evening that this obsession was happening, I had a bit of an epiphany. I think I need a big hiatus from facebook. I think it is a sometimes positive, but mostly negative influence in my life. And I think that my life on facebook, like especially since the start of the newsfeed, has potentially coincided with my depression. I'm not saying that facebook causes my depression, but what if it's not helping? Hence the hiatus idea. There's some logistics around it I need to figure out like getting facebook messages since my weight loss group is through that. But I do think I'm gonna do that. I think I'm even going to be one of those people who announces the hiatus on facebook to say to people please email, text, or call me if you are interested in hearing about my life.
Wow, the idea of the facebook hiatus is liberating and I think I might finally feel much better. I think it will be good.
If there's anyone out there reading this blog that feels unsure of how to support me or whether or not it would be weird to bring up something from my blog, just ask me. I've loved the support I have received so far, even if I haven't responded to an email (because if you're reading my blog you may also know that I'm bad about responding to things that I intend to) it means a lot to me.
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