rows of houses, all bearing down on me

Wednesday, 12/30/15, 11:53am

I think my sickness is making me depressed. I haven't been able to exercise since Monday but I haven't really lost my appetite so I've gained weight, I've had head cloudiness since yesterday morning, I haven't had coffee since Monday, and I'm starting to care about stupid petty things.

I've mostly been off facebook for, I don't know how long, over a week now? I like that I don't remember exactly how long. But I've cheated a little. The past few days I've sneaked on to look at stuff, not to be active in any way, not liking posts, but to "catch up" or something. I think I should be resisting that even. Because then it makes me feel ugly, petty thoughts. Stupid thoughts like, are any of my facebook friends that I thought were my real friends missing me? Facebook friends are facebook friends. Those that do miss me, know how to get in touch with me, right? It's so stupid. I hate that I can feel this way over something so stupid as facebook. Ugh.

I don't even want to say it, but I also care about the number of reads I get on my blog posts. I don't have high expectations or anything, but I hate that I shared this with a number of people that as far as I know have not read it. Stupid, stupid thoughts. It doesn't matter who reads my blog. It doesn't matter how many people like a facebook post. I should be living for myself not for others. But this method of quantifying the number of friends you have, by likes, or comments, or reads, or whatever, is mind-numbingly stupid. Have I mentioned the word "stupid" with regards to this way of determining whether or not one has friends?

New goal. No more facebook, not even to secretly spy. As for the blog? Who cares who reads it, right?

I hate feeling headachy, cloudy head, stuffy nose, puffed up eyes, achy body (probably mostly from skiing rather than the sickness). I hate it. I want to be better. I've thought up workouts that would pull be out of this funk, but I don't physically feel like I can actually handle any of them right now. Ugh. Stupid stupid sickness.

Short posts lately. Can't seem to handle more than this right now though.