making spirits bright

Thursday, 12/17/15, 4:04pm, 7:48pm

I've been spending the last several days reflecting over the year while writing my "Christmas letter". A few years ago, when it was getting to be time to think about Christmas Cards, I started getting incredibly stressed as I usually do. Baby announcements, Christmas cards, dreaded thank you cards have been absolute misery for me since they became expected with the whole marriage and children life. I am notoriously late on them, and I've been known on most occasions with thank you cards to throw in the towel because I realize it's been too long. So all you wonderful people out there who have deserved thank you cards in the past from me or my family, please know the appreciation is there. Thank you cards and I just don't do well together. I have thrown away several half completed or finished thank you cards that were never sent because when we started them, I wanted them to be really nice and have effort put in, and that got to be too much. Then it gets too late (see above issue).

Going back to Christmas cards though... sigh. Every year this was torture for me. The first year there was the making of the recipient list. And every year updating the list with address changes, marriages/ divorces/ breakups, births. Then there was the whole getting the "family Christmas photo". And then ordering it in time. And addressing the envelopes. And sending more facebook messages/emails/requested through other people to get addresses for those couple people you know just moved. Because that's the only personal contact you get with someone in the entire Christmas card process is through that message saying "Hey how are you? Can I get your address?" and usually they just respond with the address. How... how does this tradition make sense? I don't know. I appreciate receiving cards and I do especially appreciate that extra bit of personal touch with photos and/or letter. But I guess I decided, with Nasser's help of continually asking me (while alongside me printing the addresses on the envelopes) "what's the point, Alisa?", that I needed to break out of the mold a bit and do something that was right for me and right for my family.

So for the last couple years, I've created a Family Holiday Webpage/ E-card. And right around Christmas, a few days before or a few days after (whenever I finish it and feel ready to send it), I send the link in an email to everyone I know (that I have their email addresses) who I think may be interested. I still make the very few simple paper photo cards. But these I don't feel like I need to have a holiday-y photo on them. I just pick a few good photos through the year, make the card early, and order it with plenty of time. I make the minimum order, like 25 or so, and send them to immediate family and those couple relatives who as far as I know do not operative whatsoever online. If I have extra, then I pick a few people who I know would appreciate the paper copy. Maybe it's all just totally excessive, but I no longer do it because I feel obligated to. I get enjoyment out of my webpage/e-card. It's a similar feeling to what I get when I blog.

I'm really happy that my webpage is something I put a lot of personal thought into. I decide what to share about our family over the year, I decide what pictures to share. I also like that I'm cutting down on paper waste. And it's something that I actually get some feedback on. People I haven't really kept in touch with over the year, I get emails from after they look at my webpage. (Of course, I'm terrible about responding to those, then a month goes by and I feel like it's too late. Damn! What's wrong with me? All you wonderful people out there who respond to my holiday email, thank you. I love those responses.) It's not like people send personal notes of thanks for holiday cards and comment on the wonderful family next to the Christmas tree photo. (Can you just imagine? That would be the end of me.)

Anyway, I've been reflecting on the year, and it's been a good year for me. All in all. I love that I quit my job this year. I love that I started a blog this year. I love that I got more into triathlons and running this year. It feels good, like it was my year in a lot of ways. But I love where I'm headed too. I love the prospects of next year for my blogging and its effect on my mental health. I love the prospects for skiing in the first few months, triathlons and running over the rest of the year, upcoming weddings. Lots of good good things and lots to be thankful for.

Can you believe that just a few days ago I was in the pits of despair and depression? Barely could drag myself to my choir concert and required help from several people to do so. It may seem like I'm doing badly to those of you new to hearing about my depression, but this is "normal" for me. This is what life with depression is. It's a roller coaster and you just hope you don't break your neck on those spirals down after floating on the top.

This is "normal" for me. "Normal". Normal. I often don't like the word normal. And yet. Here, knowing that my roller coaster of emotions is normal for me is comforting. It's ok. It's been like this for awhile, and it keeps being like this. Maybe that means I can survive it. I know, no one survives life. But I'd like to survive my depression.