Thursday, 12/10/15, 1:51pm, 3:25pm
I should be taking a shower. I have limited time before getting RG from the bus, but apparently taking care of my mental state is more important right now.
There were a couple times already today where I felt overwhelming failure. The triggers weren't exactly life shattering, but my reaction was a bit more so. It's somewhat of a busy, stressed day. I woke up late though, then I was really late meeting a friend for a run with our kids in jogging strollers, I wasted a big chunk of time in the morning on Amazon looking for the perfect stocking stuffer ornaments, I squeezed in an errand which made no sense logistically because I had to drive a lot extra, and I thought we were going to be super late for lunch with Nasser (which of course ended up fine, but he wouldn't have cared if we were late anyway). I think I'm on edge because of all the upcoming commitments over the next couple days or really through the end of the year. Honestly I love the holidays, but they also really stress me out.
I'm in a choir; did you know that? Singing has always been a big part of my life, and when it hasn't, my life hasn't felt complete. I grew up in a children's community choir, sang in the choirs through high school, and then a little in college. I was missing out for awhile, but it's something I picked back up after I was first diagnosed with depression. I like the feeling of singing in a choir, and there's research that shows how choirs really tune in to each other (like emotionally and even physically) when they sing.
Sadly, I've had trouble with choir giving me the same feeling lately. I like the choir, I like the director, but something doesn't feel right. I've been somewhat dreading rehearsals and several of my depressive episodes fell on rehearsal days and I wasn't well enough to go. I don't know if the commitment is stressing me out, but I've had a similar issue with social situations in general.
I've done some personality tests in the past, and I always come out an extrovert. I've always loved being around other people. But lately, or at least since having kids, I've started avoiding social situations. I'm becoming more of a homebody; maybe I'm becoming more of an introvert. I don't know that I have any issues with becoming more introverted, many of the best people I know are introverts, but I have wondered if this change for me is actually a change or if I've just developed some social anxiety along with my depression. I guess I would say I have some social anxiety... especially since I worry so much about what others think of me. (Oh and my typical thought process at this point is, wow, I really care about what others think about me, I am so shallow. Then I feel guilty for being shallow). Nasser helps me in this thought process. He truly doesn't think I'm shallow, it's more to do with how much I just care. About everything. I worry about other people having struggles in their lives. I worry that I'm screwing up my children (especially because of the depression, but that's another topic for another day). I worry that my parents aren't proud of me. And I worry that people I think are my friends, don't actually like me. It's exhausting to worry so much, but I do know that and am working on it. It's so hard because it's just so automatic for me.
I may have some social anxiety but I also think getting myself used to fewer social events is quite alright. Nasser and RG are both introverts and don't do well when we have too many social activities in our lives. And that's OK. Even though I've always considered myself an extrovert, I do understand that our world is too socially unaccepting of introverts. I understand that a lot of things are harder for RG, like school, camps, sports, because he's an introvert. Luckily in the last few years we've started to recognize that and have been able to accommodate that better.
Maybe I just need to accept that I've become more introverted and accommodate myself accordingly.
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