just keep swimming

Monday, 12/14/15, 1:50pm, 4:09pm

Today is mostly better. This morning I still felt really anxious about all the things I had to do today, and I failed at waking up early to workout, but I'm still chugging along. I did let some tears slip when I got honked at, but I've done a few things for myself today. I got a facial (free prize from a raffle), and I had a therapy appointment. And now I'm blogging. I still have plans to workout when I get a chance, but I'm trying not to stress about that.

There's always a bit of a recovery associated with my depressive episodes. Every "bigger" episode makes me re-assess my life a little. Have I not been doing the right things to avoid this? Are there bigger topics that I'm not discussing in therapy? Is there something I should have done differently? It's important to understand some of that, but with a mindset that I'm trying to improve the future. It's hard for me to keep that mindset; it's easy to fall into the trap of guilt and self-blame.

I always feel apologetic and a little embarrassed after an episode that involves other people. I've apologized to Nasser a number of times (even though he keeps telling me that I don't need to be sorry), and I feel even more embarrassed since we involved several members of my family... as well as... well... the blog. It's liberating to have that experience out there for people to read, but it's also quite difficult to feel so vulnerable. But that's what this blog is; it's raw, honest. And that's what I've pledged to myself as my purpose.

Today I felt a pang of guilt over my mom image. I had volunteered (one of the many things that was stressing me out the last few days) to bake cookies for a teacher cookie exchange at RG's school. I like to bake, I am decent at it, and it typically seems like a good way to contribute when I'm able. I wasn't able yesterday. I wasn't able for Nasser to leave me with the kids and run to the store for the critical cookie ingredients of eggs and butter. I wasn't able to go to the store myself. I wasn't able last night after the concert to bake anything. So I went to the store this morning, bought cookies, opened them up and spread them out on a platter, and dropped them off at the school, passing them off as homemade. It may not sound like a big deal, but this was truly supposed to be exclusively baking. The email had "calling all bakers", "pull out your best recipes" all over it. Still, not the end of the world. And it was better for me to take some relaxing time yesterday evening to help recover from the day. And yet. The guilt doesn't completely go away.

It's a tough world and life. Nasser was reminding me yesterday that everyone has bad days, and challenges in life help make life meaningful. And I keep reminding myself that my depression simply gives me a greater purpose in life. A friend has someone she wants me to talk with, about my depression. Someone who might be able to benefit by understanding what I've gone through. I guess we'll put my purpose to the test.

Keeping it short today. Still recovering, still not feeling too confident as a human being.