and I try, oh my god do I try. I try all the time, in this institution.

Sunday, 04/03/16, 11:23am

There's something wrong with me. Something that's deeply ingrained in my personality, my neurological pathways are wired such that my thoughts are difficult to control. When someone says something to me, I almost always automatically see the worst in what they say. I do this even with Nasser a lot. I see judgement in everything that people say to me.

Unfortunately, the more I do this, the more it happens. Everytime my thoughts turn negative I make those neurological pathways stronger. At least, that's how I understand it, biologically speaking. Sometimes thinking about it in a biological sense can help me. Right now, since I'm borderline depressed, I just feel like I'm circling the drain, very slowly, but continuing to go down further and further. Not a very positive thought there, huh?

So let's go back to the positive part of the biological speak. Understanding that my brain is a bit more wired for negative thinking than most "normal" people, helps me to remember that depression is not my fault. That I'm not just too weak. Because as much as I claim to know and understand that depression is a disease, and not the fault of the person, I fall into that stupid stigma a lot still. And that makes me feel shameful about having depression and that makes me more depressed. It's like I have a worsened condition of depression BECAUSE of the stigma. Doesn't that majorly suck, people?

So it seems like the solution would be, cut down on that stigma. Not that easy right?

Trying to change someone's stigma is like trying to change an ingrained belief. Like say someone had a big problem with racially profiling others, right? Not that abnormal actually, which is extremely unfortunate about our society and our world.  But that's a story for another day. Person A let's say, thinks person B is a bad person because they are X culture, Y sexual orientation, and/or Z religion, different from person A, who is U culture, V sexual orientation, and/or W religion. Most likely, person A grew up thinking that U, V, W were the right way to live, versus X, Y, Z. Trying to make person A change that thought to "X, Y, Z are different from what I know, but that's all, just different" is extremely difficult. Just like trying to change someone's political beliefs. Difficult, or perhaps, impossible in certain cases.

Most people grow up thinking that mental illness is wrong, not normal, and potentially dangerous. Unless they're extremely lucky to have extremely enlightened parents who block or combat the social and media messages their children get.

It's difficult to change that way of thinking unless you suffer or know someone who suffers from a mental illness (although sometimes knowing someone with mental illness can make that way of thinking more extreme I think, depending on the judgments you make about how that person is handling his or her illness).

It's hard. Not all mental illness cases are the same, even when they have the same diagnosis. Then there are spectrums of extremities. We all suffer a little or a lot differently.

But you know what? You look around at the people you know. Many of them have in the past or are currently suffering from a mental illness. Or maybe you will later in life. It's more normal than you think. And most of the time you don't know that certain people in your life are suffering. We get really good at hiding it, or at least, trying to hide it. Some of us decide that hiding it isn't the way to go and we become more open about it. For me, I've decided that's the best way to live with a mental illness, and the best way to do something about the stigma. Because maybe, just maybe, a few of my readers are starting to understand more about mental illness, and it's breaking down the stigma, little by little.

Maybe.

and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed

Thursday, 03/31/16, 8:36am

I think I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I spent awhile going through some important emails, adding stuff to my calendar. And I still feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can't keep up with my life, even though I quit my job last August partially in order to more successfully do so. I've gotten some good exercise in this week so far, but I decided to take a break from that this morning in order to take care of myself at home. I plan to climb with a friend this evening, and I desperately don't want to have to back out because I'm depressed. I'm blogging to help with that right now and that's good. Because I've been stupid and have avoided it for several days.

There I am beating myself up. Like I always do. And then I beat myself up for beating myself up.  It's a viscous cycle. Very related to the guilt/shame thing.

Nasser told me that "You're a wonderful person. I'm sorry you have trouble seeing that sometimes." I have a lot of trouble seeing that. Most of the time.

It sucks that I seem to need to be on my game all the time or something in order to avoid these depressive episodes. And everytime I have one (an episode), it feels like this big failure. Why can't it just feel more normal to be depressed? Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time if it wasn't so stigmatized. If it wasn't unacceptable to miss something because of depression. I'm beating myself up for skipping an exercise class with my sister due to the depression this morning. Because if it was a headache or something physical, I wouldn't feel shameful about it. But even though she totally understands, I feel total and utter shame for having to sit on my bed and sob while I blog.

Why is it such a fight to de-stigmatize depression/anxiety/mental illness? Why can't we all understand that this happens, it's not because the person isn't strong enough, it's not because the person isn't thinking positively enough? You know what? Seriously? Shit happens sometimes. Everyone deals with it the way they can. And if it requires antidepressants, therapy, psychiatrists, and support from friends and family, that is OK. I can list at least 3 to 4 people off the top of my head I know who struggle with things but refuse to seek help. All because of the fucking stigma. That is messed up people. (I am totally NOT blaming those individuals by the way. It is the stigma that they feel, that all of our damn society feels. That I continuously feel in my struggle to live with my mental illness.)

I hate the fucking stigma.

Don't pity me today. Instead try to change that thought. Think of it more like a debilitating headache. Something totally normal, most likely not caused by my own actions. Think, oh she's not feeling well today, but she'll get better again. She needs to do some things to make it better: take a nap, take some ibuprofen, (aka take an anti-anxiety pill, blog), lower some of the expectations for the day and feel better tomorrow. Or maybe even later tonight when she wants to go climbing. It isn't the end of the world. She'll get better. You give me strength to get through this when you have that thinking too.

For those of you suffering from your own struggles, I'm thinking of you today and rooting for you. You'll get better as well.

I'm going to finish with the music video to the song I used for the blog post title. It's worth a listen. What an improvement to my mood. I feel like it's a strong feminine song, it throws in a little de-stigmatizing of crying/depression, it's perfect for me right now. I'm even going to take a second listen. I'm getting there. To that better state.

baby meet me on the mountain

Saturday, 03/26/16, 9:29pm

And here I am, at the end of the ski trip, having not blogged the whole time. But it's ok. I had a bad night, unfortunately, the second night into the trip, but recovered "enough" to go downstairs for a little while and recover fully in the morning.

It's been a fun long weekend. We got 3 good days of skiing in, and both kids had some big firsts. RG did his first real black run, in fact several. We bought him poles today, the last day of skiing, but that was also a big deal. TK did his first blue run, in fact several of those. He also successfully skied with my sister and brother-in-law for awhile today (WITHOUT us). Nasser and I got some great little stretches of adult ski time in. It was a great time with family and friends. We cooked delicious dinners at our rental house, several people got in some alternate activities, including runs and skate skiing, and we played some fun board games.

All in all, a good trip.

Enjoy some photos. Leaving it here tonight. Even just a short reflection of the trip serves my therapeutic needs. I don't want to miss much social time. :)

and you know, we're on the road to paradise. here we go, here we go.

Tuesday, 03/22/16, 6:47, 8:25pm

I am overdue to blog. I've felt it. 3 days went by with no blogging. I've been a little bit stressed, and quite busy, and I just haven't taken the time when I have had down time. When I started my post, I typed the date, thinking, wow, I hadn't really had a clue what the date was today. That's when I realized I really needed to blog. Just thinking about the day, the date, and the time, as I begin every blog post, I become slightly more mindful and reflective and grounded. It's a practice I'm really glad I started. I wanted my blog to feel a little bit like a journal in that way. Hah, even though I share it with others, it still feels like my personal journal in a lot of ways still.

We've had a lot of time with family and friends in the last 4 days. It's been really wonderful, but I'm glad that tomorrow is mostly just our little family. We need that time to be with just us to recharge. Maybe we are all a bit introverted.

We do have quite a bit more of family/friend time coming up with a trip to the mountains, Crested Butte specifically. There are lots of mountain ski towns- Steamboat Springs, Breckenridge, Frisco, Vail/Beaver Creek, Aspen, Telluride- and they're all quite different. I certainly haven't spent much time in all of them, but Crested Butte seems particularly unique. It feels a little less crowded (although I haven't been there in several years, that may have changed) than the other ski areas, a little more relaxed. I liked it there in the past. I'm excited to be bringing my husband and kids there; they all have never been.

We drive to Crested Butte tomorrow, it's a 4.5 hour drive, but with kids, that'll likely take a bit longer. And it's supposed to snow (it's been 70s the last couple days). There's a blizzard warning starting at 6am tomorrow so it doesn't matter much when we leave. Oi. This drive might be a lot longer than I was thinking. Remember to pack lots of car activity options.

I decided I had to skip choir tonight. I was feeling rather stressed about the number of things I still needed to do before leaving tomorrow. Plus I haven't worked out or showered yet today. Not sure either is going to happen even with skipping choir. And here I am blogging instead of getting packed, or folding the last load of laundry, or writing a note for the awesome gal checking on our kitty and the hermit crabs we are pet-sitting for our friends, or. . . . . stop. I am blogging to ground myself. Not to make a list of what I still need to do.

I am blogging to ground myself. I like it.

I've said before that blogging is my therapy. But here I am, yet again, reveling in that awesome power of the blog. Hah.

I do feel terrible about missing choir, but I needed to for my sanity tonight. We are allowed 2 absences each semester, which is tough sometimes to stay under. This was my second, so here I am banking on not needing any absences for the next month and a half. Since I've already missed one this semester. Which at the moment I am totally blanking why I missed. Probably a Nasser travel night. Or a depressed night.

Well I do feel remarkably grounded now, but itching to get moving on my to-do list. So farewell, dear blog, likely until Crested Butte. Need to schedule time to blog in Crested Butte. Add to to-do list. Sigh. I never stop.

can I handle the seasons of my life? oh oh I don't know

Saturday, 03/19/16, 9:17am, 2:21pm

Yesterday, at RG's school, they were holding a special The Leader in Me event. I attended most of it since TK had preschool in the morning. The basic concept here is teaching children to be leaders by embodying the 7 Habits, as penned by Stephen Covey. If you're completely unfamiliar with the 7 Habits, I'd recommend skimming them here.

I was listening to individual presentations in the third grade classrooms. They were presenting on Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. It's a good habit, really. Now, most of the presentations were pretty much the same. It seemed like the kids had been giving some guidelines of what to include, but then could expand on specific examples of good and bad ways to show the habit, etc. Basically, it was listen first, understand what the other person is saying, don't be the one to talk about yourself all the time, etc. One girl had an additional insight in her presentation that I thought was really great and really important. She said that if someone is sad or upset, listen to them, don't tell them what to do. This is so great! Sometimes, yes, our friends are looking for a solution when they're bothered by something, but most often, people just need someone to listen.

I'm not sure where my blog falls within this habit. I guess I'm providing a way for others to seek to understand, but not really myself. But this is one habit that I really work hard at. I consider myself a good listener, but I know I could always do better. This is something that's really hard to do when you have differing opinions with the other person. When you get into conversations about politics, religion, parenting, values, it can be really hard to listen first when the person has a strong, differing opinion. But we need to work on that more. One of the third graders also pointed out that he thought we would have fewer wars if we all worked on this habit. How awesome would that be? Just by listening more, and trying to understand others more, and being more empathetic, as I've said in the past, we could improve our world.

The other Habit I want to talk about is actually the first one. Habit 1: Be proactive. I do think that this one is worth following the link and reading up on the background of this habit. The key point in this habit is "taking responsibility for your life." It's not always easy to do. It's easy to blame our grumpiness on other factors: the weather, this person was rude to me today, the kids are being exceptionally tough today, my spouse doesn't appreciate me, etc. We have to understand the difference between our circle of concern and our circle of influence. Do you remember me talking about this once before? When I talked about it before I talked about the circle of control and circle of influence. But sometimes we talk about it in terms of the circle of concern. We have a large circle of concern, but only a small portion of that is within our control. We have to always understand and accept the things we can't control (other people for example). We need to focus on what we have control over (ourselves). It's something I'm still really working on. There are people I know with mental illness who I wish would get all the help they need, but I can't control that. There are people I know who suffer from hurts in the past for whom I wish I could take away their pain, but I can't control that. I can only control me, my reactions to people and things in my life. It would be healthiest if I could stop worrying about my circle of concern, but I'm not sure I can do that either. It's hard.

The 7 Habits is something I'm quite interested in, have learned some through RG's school, but I feel I need to immerse myself more in. It is/was hard to be told, with reference to the first habit, that we have control over ourselves completely. We control our mood, we control our actions, we control our emotions. Sometimes, with the depression, I don't feel like I have that control. It's a tough balance. Knowing that I can change my emotions can sometimes be empowering, but when I don't feel like I can do it, I feel guilt and shame that I'm unable to do it. And of course, that guilt and shame make my depression worse.

I went for a run this morning, with my sister, and we made it a full 10k. Felt awesome and a great start to a busy weekend.

c is for cookie

Tuesday, 03/15/16, 8:27am, 1:01pm

I baked a yummy pie yesterday for Pi Day (3.14=𝛑), although I'm not sure it can technically be called a pie. I baked it in a pie dish though, to be accurate, a 𝛑 dish. Check it out. It's chocolate peanut butter (using a chocolate coconut oil peanut butter) cookie made into a pie. And I was out of brown sugar, so I made my own from molasses and white sugar first.

YUMMY.

This week is looking to be a bit better for me. Choir concerts went beautifully this weekend and I didn't end up having any major episodes. This week is busy, especially because spring break is already next week, but so far it's working out ok.

all these places have their moments

Saturday, 03/12/16, 4:47pm

I went outside with the boys this afternoon, them on bikes, me running. We ended up spending some time at the park, where I got some yoga in. Afterward I was sitting around just playing on my new phone (I broke mine yesterday) and just kinda observing around us.

A group of about 10 middle school age girls came to the park from one of the houses in the neighborhood, presumably getting outside to play from a party or something. It was so interesting, and well, heartening to watch. They organized themselves into a game of capture the flag and played on the greenbelt. One girl took the place of leader, explained the rules, and determined the method of dividing into teams. I guess I assumed most kids pick team captains and pick team members, which never turns out great since there's someone always picked last. Instead, she told everyone to pick a partner. When some of the girls asked if they should pick someone they want to be on the same team with, she responded with "doesn't matter". They then played rock, paper, scissors and split the teams based on "winners" and "losers". But having lost didn't really matter in the end. I really liked the leader girl. She was independent, confident, and fair. I hope to raise my boys the same way.

It made me feel a little sad about some playground experiences I've heard from RG. Over a series of conversations I gathered that he doesn't really play football with the other kids during lunch recess. Earlier this year he figured out that he only plays if there are an even number of kids. Presumably these children have team captains (sounds like probably the best players) and pick teams. If there are an odd number of kids wanting to play, RG wouldn't get picked for either team (as in he's the last one there) and therefore doesn't get to play. Sounds kinda crappy, right? It's one of those situations I don't know what to do, and I don't know that anything should be done. I don't want to go and make a big deal out of it to anyone, either teachers or other parents, especially since he was never particularly bothered when explaining all this to me, and yet it hurts my heart a bit. Seems like most playgrounds could benefit from some fair methods of picking teams. 

Now I don't want to start any arguments about killing the competitive nature in kids and trying to make everything fair. I get that RG isn't good at football, has trouble throwing with accuracy, but I'm sure he'd get better if his friends allowed him to play. And then again, I'm totally not encouraging football with him. It's definitely not my favorite sport and I have no interest in risking head injuries with my kids. I just wish that picking teams on the playground in 2nd grade wasn't all about picking the best players. Perhaps sometimes it could be about including everyone, just as the older girls did. In that situation, some of the girls were grumbling because they picked their close friend as the partner for rock, paper, scissors, but in the end everyone was happy. 

Today is going well. My mother-in-law couldn't get a flight here unfortunately, but we'll hopefully be seeing her pretty soon. In general we've been taking today pretty easy, although we got out of the house for awhile to buy me a new phone and go out for lunch, plus the biking/running/playing at the park time.