I think I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I spent awhile going through some important emails, adding stuff to my calendar. And I still feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can't keep up with my life, even though I quit my job last August partially in order to more successfully do so. I've gotten some good exercise in this week so far, but I decided to take a break from that this morning in order to take care of myself at home. I plan to climb with a friend this evening, and I desperately don't want to have to back out because I'm depressed. I'm blogging to help with that right now and that's good. Because I've been stupid and have avoided it for several days.
There I am beating myself up. Like I always do. And then I beat myself up for beating myself up. It's a viscous cycle. Very related to the guilt/shame thing.
Nasser told me that "You're a wonderful person. I'm sorry you have trouble seeing that sometimes." I have a lot of trouble seeing that. Most of the time.
It sucks that I seem to need to be on my game all the time or something in order to avoid these depressive episodes. And everytime I have one (an episode), it feels like this big failure. Why can't it just feel more normal to be depressed? Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time if it wasn't so stigmatized. If it wasn't unacceptable to miss something because of depression. I'm beating myself up for skipping an exercise class with my sister due to the depression this morning. Because if it was a headache or something physical, I wouldn't feel shameful about it. But even though she totally understands, I feel total and utter shame for having to sit on my bed and sob while I blog.
Why is it such a fight to de-stigmatize depression/anxiety/mental illness? Why can't we all understand that this happens, it's not because the person isn't strong enough, it's not because the person isn't thinking positively enough? You know what? Seriously? Shit happens sometimes. Everyone deals with it the way they can. And if it requires antidepressants, therapy, psychiatrists, and support from friends and family, that is OK. I can list at least 3 to 4 people off the top of my head I know who struggle with things but refuse to seek help. All because of the fucking stigma. That is messed up people. (I am totally NOT blaming those individuals by the way. It is the stigma that they feel, that all of our damn society feels. That I continuously feel in my struggle to live with my mental illness.)
I hate the fucking stigma.
Don't pity me today. Instead try to change that thought. Think of it more like a debilitating headache. Something totally normal, most likely not caused by my own actions. Think, oh she's not feeling well today, but she'll get better again. She needs to do some things to make it better: take a nap, take some ibuprofen, (aka take an anti-anxiety pill, blog), lower some of the expectations for the day and feel better tomorrow. Or maybe even later tonight when she wants to go climbing. It isn't the end of the world. She'll get better. You give me strength to get through this when you have that thinking too.
For those of you suffering from your own struggles, I'm thinking of you today and rooting for you. You'll get better as well.
I'm going to finish with the music video to the song I used for the blog post title. It's worth a listen. What an improvement to my mood. I feel like it's a strong feminine song, it throws in a little de-stigmatizing of crying/depression, it's perfect for me right now. I'm even going to take a second listen. I'm getting there. To that better state.
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