Friday, 09/30/16, 1:39pm, 3:25pm
Wow. Yesterday and today have been... rough. And weirdly so. They've been really hard days, depression wise, and yet I've been hiding it as well as possible and getting help from a few close people when absolutely needed.
Like my mom took RG to his choir practice last night. And a friend and my sister witnessed a breakdown on our walk this morning. Oh and poor Nasser has had to text with me and talk me down on phone calls while he's at work and like yesterday, supposed to be on this super important manager stuff phone call, with all the other managers. The all day one, that lasted 3 freaking hours longer than it was supposed to. Yikes that really made for a tough afternoon for me. The one person I desperately wanted with me to help me and talk with me, the only acceptable person to me when I'm in that state (that's how super freaking dependent I get with poor Nasser because he's the single person in the entire world who knows me as well as he does and knows my depression better than anyone else), absolutely could not back out of this meeting. It would have been devastating to several people's reviews and I could not in any state, actually ask him to do that. Because the guilt and shame it would put on my shoulders, to know that my depression had all these consequences on other people because I'm so stupidly needy, would be devastating to me. It would have made me spiral that much further down. So I had to accept help. From people other than Nasser. I had to gulp and do it and get over whatever ego it is that makes me not want to accept help. I guess most people have that to some extent. It's really hard to say, I'm too sick to take my kid to choir, can you help me? It's harder when that "sickness" doesn't appear obvious to others, other than the puffy, red eyes and occasional sniffles or tears.
You know why I beat myself up over feeling depressed so much? It's that f'ing stigma. That overwhelming scream from "them" that say get over it, suck it up, put yourself out there, just do it. The expectation that you can always find it within yourself to get out of bed and get outside and talk to people and do all the things you're supposed to be able to do. But sometimes it takes time. Time for the right meds to kick in. Time for the right med to be developed or approved. Time for a new day. Time for our schedules to align when everyone is feeling good and healthy. Time to heal. Time for a good day. Time for some sleeping. Time for some growing and finding oneself. Time.
I don't choose to waste time on my depression or my anxiety. Sometimes Nasser panics when he sees me spiraling downward and all he wants to helplessly do is make it stop, and he says "don't do this". It can be further triggering, for me, to hear these works because they feel blaming in a moment when I also feel helpless to stop the depression from becoming full blown. But he doesn't have the words, ever really, to stop me when I'm going up and over that final triggering hump, and probably anything he says could push me over that edge. He has most recently tried switching to "I love you". This was a brainchild while we were in Bermuda. When I was starting down that path, Nasser caught me and held me with "I love you". He literally had his arms around me, cradling me, on the bed in the Airbnb, telling me "I love you". And it helped. It got me through. I feel like such a child since he discovered this technique with TK's meltdowns. But... it works.
Nasser also got me started on forming a new habit. Anyone who knows me, knows that I apologize. A lot. Like all the freaking time. I'm sure it's super annoying, but then I start apologizing for apologizing so much, and it can turn ugly. So. Instead, when I get the urge to apologize to Nasser, he has asked me to say "I love you". It's super endearing and I love the new habit, although I'm still not very good at it. Typically I still say "I'm sorry" and I follow it up with "I love you". But I've also started remembering to make that mental switch and start with the "I love you" occasionally.
Today started off really great, with a nice breakfast out with Nasser after the bus and before my walk with friends. It switched quickly though when a lot of the feelings from yesterday came back in the short time at home after breakfast. I was hopelessly avoiding crying at intervals, but I still went for the walk and I'm really glad I did. It was the right, accepting, and supportive group who listened to my venting and crying about my f'ing depression, and then we moved onto other topics partway through and it was good and fine. I'm going on a girls weekend with some of my awesome moms friends, some of the ones I've known for a long time and have been the stay-at-home moms I started with. (several of that crowd couldn't make it unfortunately) We're heading up to the mountains a week from today, and my sister and I will likely be getting a 14er (climbing/hiking a 14,000ft mountain) in with some family. We talked about it and I'm feeling really excited about getting that girls time.
I'm sure a lot of what I'm feeling is, I'm back from vacation and back to reality, and I like vacation better. And there's some level of post-vacation blues, and sure some of that is normal. But then when I spiral down all the way, maybe because the post-vacation blues makes me feel guilty about those feelings of "I like vacation better", I spiral down and down and down all the way to "I hate my life" and "I am a failure". And those feelings don't belong in my head.
I've been getting through the last day and a half of depression with looking at the next vacation possibilities, something I think we'll do entirely on our own. We thought about visiting friends, but now I'm thinking we need some little family unit time. A "stay-cation" somewhere else. Maybe a Mexican all-inclusive resort. Maybe a stay in the Colorado mountains, just us 4. I looked at flights all over and we're talking about getting serious in getting the kids' passports. It's tentative still, but I've been looking at ideas online, vrbos, groupons, and tons of pricing out how ridiculous certain things are. Because what if we could find an awesome deal to Thailand or Hawaii or Costa Rica? Our little family needs something, and it likely will be on a much smaller scale when we do the pricing, but right now we're looking and searching and reading and considering. And it's fun and it's getting me through these bad days.
I leaving it there today, as blogging even that much, while therapeutic, is also exhausting today. And I want to focus on the travel idea anyway.
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