up and down, and in the end it's only round and round and round

Friday, 07/29/16, 9:31am

I'm doing better than I was yesterday and the day before. I did get a short run in yesterday afternoon while the boys were on their bikes. Might be aiming for that again today. Maybe we'll have a dance party with some 80's music too. Those things help me.

Yesterday, despite having a really successful afternoon with the boys (with the aforesaid running/biking as well as some mini-pool time), I was never fully recovered. OK, I have to take a second to share some pictures and videos of the afternoon.

I relaxed in a camping chair, with some cold water, while the boys set up a water slide

Still wasn't perfectly easy to function, but I was trying my damnedest

We had to make some repairs prior to filling up the pool, as well as during. 

As of this morning, the pool is still about halfway full so I guess we did a good job!

They had fun, and that helped my mood more than anything else. It was fun, it was enriching fun, which maybe Minecraft is in its own way. Nasser recently found some data showing that video games, where they require creativity and imagination, are more enriching to children than television shows. (I would normally now link to the article explaining this, because I think backing up what you say is very important, however, I can't find that exact study at the moment. Will post in comments if I ever come across it.) I'm finding that there really are a lot of benefits to video games, in both what I read as well as what I see in my kids. They play Minecraft together, cooperatively. They learn to play cooperatively in larger groups when they play Minecraft with friends and family. They often play with Nasser, which I think is a key benefit. It is time spent together, they talk most of the time about what they're doing and strategies, and Nasser can help guide them to keep it beneficial.

And it's not like they spend all their time playing video games. They are often playing, however, when I'm blogging. Or showering. This summer, I've allowed it more than I would like to in the long term. However, 1. it is summer and I do believe that enjoyment of the summer is important. 2. Their uncle died at the beginning of the summer. We're still dealing with that and recovering from it. I don't feel that I need to justify myself further. And I'm not really justifying to you, the reader. Perhaps to some extent. But I'm also justifying to myself. Because I carry a lot of guilt and shame over the amount of screen time they get sometimes.

Being in a depressive episode, like I was yesterday, I definitely allow more screens. Because I want to hide upstairs and not have the kids try to find me and demand things from me. I don't want them seeing me when I'm sobbing over the thoughts that are going through my head.

Yesterday I put out a slight plea to facebook for some love. Just a little "can I have some virtual hugs today?" kind of thing. Many many of my friends and family responded with love. It was nice and it was something that helped yesterday. It didn't make me totally recovered, other people really don't have that affect when I'm truly depressed, but it helped. I said the other day that I felt like I was in a deep hole and couldn't see which way was up. It was like that most of the day yesterday.

Honestly, I had one big goal yesterday, and that was keeping the suicidal, totally hopeless and helpless thoughts away. I succeeded, without the need for Nasser coming home or someone coming over and taking over care for the kids. Because, yeah, some days, those thoughts are right below the surface, and if I'm not careful, they will consume me. I don't write this to scare anyone, and I hope it doesn't (please remember right now I'm doing rather well and not depressed in any way). I write it to share what I think is actually somewhat common with major depression. Maybe? For me, it's not that uncommon, to at least fall into the hopeless thoughts, for when I'm in a depressive episode. It's not how I feel all the time, and I do think that I have more good, happy moments in my life, than depressed.

I am starting up some mood tracking again. I think that I unofficially do it with the blog, since I'm often writing and I often write about my mood. :) But I wanted something where I could easily graph the results and get an idea of the overall trend. It's something I plan to show my doctor once I have some data to say, do we still think I'm doing the right things or am I worse than we thought? I've only tracked a handful of times, although I did track several times yesterday. The entry for today is just about the opposite of yesterday's.

We're keeping today fairly low key again. Although we might make a trip to Target for some groceries, as well as some shopping with some gift cards the boys received for their birthdays.

Lots of love to all my readers. I hope today is fine for you, as I hope it will be for me.

you walk a lonely road

Thursday, 07/28/16, 8:52am

I'm blogging again this morning, because apparently that's what I do when I feel this way.

I'm in a depressive rut again I think. I've been kinda almost there for the past several days, since returning from San Diego. Part of it is probably my period. My period which won't follow the birth control medication I'm on which is meant to help my mood. Maybe I should just get everything down there removed and take supplemental hormone in the right amount for me. Or maybe I should remove myself from all medications I'm currently on and find my actual baseline. Is it actually worse when I'm not on medication? I don't know.

I'm feeling frustrated with my treatment, I'm feeling frustrated with my illness.

I know that part of my mood has been that Nasser and I seem to keep having arguments/serious discussions. Discussions that have needed to happen, but have had a big impact on my mood. We both have some things we need to work on when talking to eachother. I, for one, do way way way too much of fighting unfair. I name call, I raise my voice, I bring up things from the past. Understandably, Nasser doesn't react well when I do that. He often gets defensive when we talk, which further escalates the situation.

I've been suggesting we go to some more marriage counseling. We have done this in the past and we did learn how to talk to eachother nicely and respectfully, but we don't always do that in real life. Nasser thinks we don't need more marriage counseling; we simply need to practice what we already know. As long as that works, I think we're ok.

The other thing about my depression is I tend to blow things out of proportion or take things way more seriously than they probably are. One fight (even if most of it is serious discussion where we are talking nicely to eachother) can make me feel like it's the end of our marriage. And I don't want that, I'm not choosing that.

I love Nasser. Despite our fights, despite things that we don't agree on, I love him. He is my partner. He is still the person I rely on the most. Although I'm starting to realize that I need to be more careful in how I treat him when I'm not doing well. I've hurt him a lot when I've been angry or depressed, and that in turn, hurts me.

We are starting to realize that Nasser needs a stronger support network himself. He can't keep handling my depression entirely on his own. And I suppose he doesn't, I do rely on friends and family, sometimes. And I have my therapy, and my psychiatrist, and my medication, and my various coping mechanisms.

The other big thing that's probably impacting my mood is I haven't really exercised much in awhile. This summer hasn't been great for that. Part of it was Adam's death, and dealing with grief, and dealing with worsened depression and lack of motivation due to that. Part of it has been the copious amounts of travel we've been doing. And part of it has been having both kids at home, I haven't really figured out how to fit it in.

I know that's not helping me though, and I got close to going for a run this morning, but I backed out. Again. Today, I'm going to try not to fixate on that and shame myself for not going. Because when I shame myself, I get more depressed, and that motivation gets worse and worse. Stupid depression.

Today I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where my depression will take me, and I don't know if I can manage to ignore it and get together with family during the day today. Maybe I don't have to ignore it to be around people but I also don't want to sob at the park. I think the writing has helped though; maybe I just need to keep doing the right things for myself this morning and try desperately to make this a better day. Dear readers out there, wish for me strength and motivation. And virtual hugs.

this machine will, will not communicate. these thoughts and the strain I am under

Wednesday, 07/27/16, 3:33pm

Perhaps you think that writing about my struggles with depression is weird. Or perhaps you judge me for it. Depends on what you know and think about mental illness I guess. Some wonderful people in my life, people whose opinions I seek and trust, have told me they think it's brave. I'm not sure it is, given how easy Blogger makes it to publish my posts. Hah. To me, it just is. It's what I do. It's something I've found to help me and others, and so I do it. It is a purpose, for me.

I come back to my blog over and over again. In times where I wish to share my happy times, where I seek comfort in my lowest of lows. Times where I wish to share something I've learned about mental illness or otherwise. Times when I don't know where else to turn.

There is something about the blog, it allows me to be truly honest, with myself, with others. I don't find it as easy when I'm in person with someone. When I'm around other people, I hide my depression, if it's affecting me.

Today I hid my depression. I pretended it didn't exist. It's TK's birthday, and I don't want it to exist. But it's there, it's affecting me, and now that we're home, I can't get myself to forget it. Maybe it's better to fake it, to pretend it's not there around everyone else, and only "give in" when you're alone. Maybe if you fake it, you are forced to recover. I don't think that's how it works though. And I do know that for me, faking it and refusing to talk about it is exhausting. I'm done with that. So I write.

Today I am feeling trapped by my life, by myself, by everyone around me. I feel like nothing will ever work out right, and I feel lost. I want to curl up in the bed and never ever come out again.

Sure tomorrow is a new day, but today doesn't feel that way. It feels like the deep hole that I've fallen down has been covered up, letting no light in and so I can't see which way is up.

Let's end with some Radiohead today.

I never said goodbye

Tuesday, 07/26/16, 4:21pm

I was feeling sad about Adam today. 

Before he died, I had envisioned this possibility of the future. A time when our kids are older and we amazingly have more time to focus on us and other people. A time where maybe Adam would live with us or decide to live in a group home in Colorado. A time when we'd see him regularly and the kids would have really important relationships with their uncle. But. I will always have this horrible pit in my stomach feeling that we never did enough for Adam before he died. Never did enough to help him, never did enough to show our love for him.

Those feelings will forever haunt Nasser and I even though we know that sometimes we didn't do more because we were keeping our kids' safety in mind. And sometimes we didn't do more because Adam wouldn't accept the help we tried giving. It's still hard even after we try to balance our what if thoughts.

I've been meaning for quite some time to attend a grief group that I found soon after Adam's death. It's a "sudden loss" group which seemed fitting, but I still don't know how well I'll connect with everyone else because I still have not gone. They meet twice a month, but between travel and summer plans I haven't had a chance to go. I could go tomorrow, but it's also TK's birthday so I don't especially want to leave while we're celebrating with Nasser in the evening. Still one of these days I'd like to attend.

Really I'd like to find a grief group that is deaths related to mental illness, because for me, that's the part that has affected me the most. His illness, the connection I felt with my own illness, everything feels related back to mental illness. Perhaps it would have been different had Adam not had schizophrenia much of the time that I knew him. 

There's a picture I recently came across of Adam. It's one I took on his 21st birthday, at our last bar of the night. Every new picture I see of him, especially one I haven't seen before, is precious now.

I'd like to be, under the sea

Monday, 07/25/16, 2:22pm

The birthday party went off pretty smoothly; I definitely didn't do everything I wanted to, but things turned out well and the kids had a blast, which was the goal. I didn't get to sit much, my ankle is aggravated after feeling almost recovered, so that makes me angry. Did you know that I rolled my ankle in the half marathon I did about a month ago? I can't remember if I told you, although here is the post for anyone who would like to read it. It's long and it's about both the triathlon and the half marathon, complete with pictures. :)

Today I've been working on being more reflective and giving a lot of focus to the kids. I took many pictures through our morning since I really wanted to remember everything we've done.

But before we get into today, I need to quickly show off my cake. With just a little bit of bragging. Because apparently I show my love for my kids through cake decorating. Not really baking, because I use a mix.

Anyway, here it is:

Here are some prep pictures:

And more detail, because it's all about the detail:

I love decorating cakes like this. In a lot of ways it's more fun when the dinosaurs are edible (maybe fondant someday?) but these are also fun to take home and play with. Oh and may I point out the red Spinosaurus in the water, near the beach? This is where scientists (currently) think that this dinosaur would have been found, catching fish, similar to a crocodile. The Spinosaur is currently hunting the Maiasaura on the beach who seems to have lots its herd. The kids helped me place the dinosaurs, of course.

You must also see Nasser's carved watermelon:

This morning, we rode bikes, with their new air horns from Grandma, with TK on the next slightly bigger, but in many ways better, bike.

I pulled out my old high school bike, hah!

It went well although TK did walk his bike several times. He's getting there and new, bigger bikes are hard.

RG and I have talked about Amu Adam quite a bit in the last 2 days. About age differences between mine and Nasser's siblings, and the age difference between RG and TK. And how Amu Adam was a math genius. RG loves to hear about that.

The boys started building an airport out of cardboard boxes and legos and magformers. Right now it's somewhat destroyed so I'll have to get pictures later.

I felt like a good mom this yesterday and today so far. I like feeling that way and it seems easier for me to be when we're not traveling so much. I think this summer so far has been too much travel, which has been fun and exciting, and terrible when it was for Adam's wake and funeral, but it's been too much. I'm so so glad we're home for a little bit. Ahem, before our next camping trip. And fun stuff around where we live like museums and planetariums and hikes and maybe movies in the movie theater. It still feels like there's a lot left to do in the summer but very little time to do it. Sigh. I guess that's life in a nutshell, right?

I need to do some thinking and evaluating about my treatment. Nasser was quite concerned after my big depressive episode last Monday night in San Diego. Although I actually recovered (I thought most of the way at least) quite quickly, I scared Nasser quite a bit during it. At the time I was texting him that I was looking at flights home early for the kids and I. This was after only a few hours of him at work, after spending the whole weekend together along with Monday morning at Legoland. He felt like he could no longer travel for work. Which he really needs to be able to do for this job.

And it didn't make sense to me. Why, after his India trip, after a really good San Diego trip, could I not handle him traveling? But this time, we were along for the ride, doing lots and lots of activities, playing in San Diego, which was fun, but stressful for me. I'm way more relaxed in my own environment, honestly, our own house and neighborhood, at least our own state. Weekend camping or ski trips are easier than anything where we have to fly and are constricted to certain size/shape bags. And I don't like living out of a suitcase, doing laundry in the hotel laundry facilities. Cuz yeah, that was Monday afternoon last week. Hmmm, laundry in a hotel, I can see why I got depressed. Dinner at the hotel, delivery, was probably harder even though it ended up good.

Travel can be lots of fun but...

I think the point I'm trying to get at, is I'm way more comfortable when I can lay on my bed and blog, in my biking clothes from the morning, in my own home. Where I can help the boys draw a runway on the flattened cardboard and stretch and foam roll and work on ideas for improving our backyard and painting our boys' room and... I guess it's where everyone wants to be, at home. At home with themselves. At home with their friends and their families. We seek home, love, and comfort.

There are the days for adventures and searching and learning, and some of it can happen at home with imaginations and creativity. And sometimes there are days for rest.

everything in its right place

Saturday, 07/23/16, 4:10pm, 8:37pm; Sunday, 07/23/16, 12:32am

Typically when I write a blog post, I start with my "time stamp" and just write. Once I finish writing and start to edit (I try to edit the content as little as possible though, mostly it's for grammar and flow purposes), I think about the post title, I look through various songs to come up with the perfect lyrics. Oftentimes it's the song and the artist and the lyrics that all have a profound effect on my current mood, or a mood I wish to convey. Yeah, I'm nerdy; I put a lot of thought into each post title. If you follow along and try to figure out which song it's from, it can be a little puzzle to my readers as well. I'm so nerdy I started keeping a spreadsheet of my blog titles, which songs and artists they come from, etc.

But I digress. Today I was inspired by a facebook post from my brother-in-law. It's a little facebook game of posting a song, and assigning the people who like your post a letter. They then post a song or artist with that letter. Anyway, he assigned me "E" and I posted "Everything in its Right Place" by Radiohead. If you know Radiohead, and you're a longtime reader, you probably know I love them a lot. :) The song is worth a listen.

The song feels like an anxious mood to me, as probably a lot of their songs give. Perhaps that's why I connect with Radiohead music so much. A lot of the songs speak to my depression and anxiety and honestly help me release some of those feelings when I listen to their music.

I feel like I have a lot of things floating in my head right now, heading towards anxiety, so I decided to blog to help with that.

We are throwing a birthday party for our boys tomorrow (their birthdays are a week apart in July). At our house. With a fair number of people attending (including a lot of kids). And we just got back from San Diego late Thursday night (or should we call it early Friday morning??). And we've been traveling a ton this summer. And the house isn't quite cleaned yet. Actually there's still a lot to do. And I'm not even counting the whole cake making process. Because to be honest, I get a little nuts about the cake every year and I always want to make it exceptional. My sister, Audra, and I are both this way, although I do think she's more talented than me.

Here are a few of my cakes over just the past few years.

Friends party 2013. That is a blue whale rice krispies treat cake. 

Friends party 2014. TK's construction site cake. 

Friends party 2014 (it was a joint friends party to celebrate both kids 

and apparently I felt I had to make 2 cakes. Again, I'm ridiculous sometimes). 

RG's lego cake. This was one of the most simple cakes to make. 

Bread pan cakes, one cut in half, marshmallows for the pegs. Frost. I loved the simplicity of these.

Friends/family combined party 2015. Super themed Star Wars party complete with cake. Also gluten free. The garbage is GF cereals and GF pretzels with GF graham crackers for the walls. Non edible characters. 

Family party 2013. This was actually more Nasser's creation I think. 

He helps me sometimes on the cakes, but this one he handled almost entirely on this own. 

I was probably stressed, maybe even depressed, that day. Sounds like me.

Family party 2014. That's supposed to be Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon".

This was definitely one of my more difficult attempts, 

and it was my first time using fondant. Homemade fondant. Gluten free.

Tomorrow's cake is going to be dinosaur. It's sorta a Jurassic Park/ Jurassic World themed party. But the cake it going to be more generic dinosaur. I've done a dinosaur cake before and it was actually one of my most fun ones to decorate. So I'm rather excited to do it again, with some differences. Here was 4 years ago:

Family party 2012. It was TK's first birthday, so we called the 

little volcano his "smash cake". The big volcano was RG's piece and the rest were cupcakes.

And because Adam was present for this cake, I have to share one more:

Family party 2011. RG's 3rd birthday and our first attempt at a "fancy" cake. 

This is actually Adam's picture. I can't seem to find any with him in it from this visit. 

But he got a picture of the cake.

I've been thinking about Adam more this evening and feeling sad about everything. We've been so go go go this summer, that it's been difficult to take the time to be more reflective. And I think I need to do that, as part of my grieving process. I'm glad we're done traveling for awhile, because although we've been doing a lot of things, maybe seeming "ok", we're not there. We're not really healed, and we're not at acceptance yet with the grief. 

I was feeling guilty about all the busyness we've had this summer, like we're doing a disservice to Adam by not grieving more or something. Nasser pointed out that we couldn't very well deprive our kids of their summer or expect them to feel sad all the time. Life does move on, I suppose, in many ways, and yet it's almost more required for us to do that quickly when kids are involved. Time doesn't stop for them. 

It's not been easy. To be "ok" for our kids. Or to explain to them sometimes that we're not doing as well because we're sad about Adam dying. (If you are new to the blog by the way, the story with Adam is best found here). 

Right now though, as much as I'd like to continue writing since there's a lot in my brain right now, I need to get some sleep. There's a lot of things I know I need to keep my depression at bay. Regular exercise which I haven't been getting, although I did get in a 2mi run finally this evening. In the dark. Sleep is another big one. We've slept in until 9am the last 2 days, really needing it. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again tomorrow, but I still have so much to do. 

Good night, dear blog.

I'm on a roll this time, I feel my luck could change

Wednesday, 07/20/16, 8:16am

I'm doing better.

I was doing better yesterday but I didn't take the time to blog.

We did not go home early, and today I'm trying my hardest to make it a special day for RG's birthday. We're thinking a beach nearby and Legoland in the afternoon/evening, especially if Nasser can get a ride to Legoland to meet us. We'll see.

Yesterday, we ended up canceling our original plans for the zoo and mostly took it easy at the hotel, going to the pool two separate times. We needed it.

Really the trip has gone quite well, despite some hiccups in my mood at a few different times. Last night was another tough time for a bit, starting off with an older lady coming over to our table at dinner to tell our kids to stop "screaming". In actuality they were laughing hysterically with Nasser's coworker, but it still threw me off and made me feel awful.

Sigh.

Let's try to focus on the good though.

We've seen a number of wonderful friends so far, we've gone to Legoland, we went sailing, we've played at the pool a bunch. I've gotta include some of those pictures. TK often tries to hide in the group photos.

Let's hope that today continues to go well and we finish the trip on a high note. Let's not just hope. Let's work at it.