Typically when I write a blog post, I start with my "time stamp" and just write. Once I finish writing and start to edit (I try to edit the content as little as possible though, mostly it's for grammar and flow purposes), I think about the post title, I look through various songs to come up with the perfect lyrics. Oftentimes it's the song and the artist and the lyrics that all have a profound effect on my current mood, or a mood I wish to convey. Yeah, I'm nerdy; I put a lot of thought into each post title. If you follow along and try to figure out which song it's from, it can be a little puzzle to my readers as well. I'm so nerdy I started keeping a spreadsheet of my blog titles, which songs and artists they come from, etc.
But I digress. Today I was inspired by a facebook post from my brother-in-law. It's a little facebook game of posting a song, and assigning the people who like your post a letter. They then post a song or artist with that letter. Anyway, he assigned me "E" and I posted "Everything in its Right Place" by Radiohead. If you know Radiohead, and you're a longtime reader, you probably know I love them a lot. :) The song is worth a listen.
The song feels like an anxious mood to me, as probably a lot of their songs give. Perhaps that's why I connect with Radiohead music so much. A lot of the songs speak to my depression and anxiety and honestly help me release some of those feelings when I listen to their music.
I feel like I have a lot of things floating in my head right now, heading towards anxiety, so I decided to blog to help with that.
We are throwing a birthday party for our boys tomorrow (their birthdays are a week apart in July). At our house. With a fair number of people attending (including a lot of kids). And we just got back from San Diego late Thursday night (or should we call it early Friday morning??). And we've been traveling a ton this summer. And the house isn't quite cleaned yet. Actually there's still a lot to do. And I'm not even counting the whole cake making process. Because to be honest, I get a little nuts about the cake every year and I always want to make it exceptional. My sister, Audra, and I are both this way, although I do think she's more talented than me.
Here are a few of my cakes over just the past few years.
Friends party 2013. That is a blue whale rice krispies treat cake.
Friends party 2014. TK's construction site cake.
Friends party 2014 (it was a joint friends party to celebrate both kids
and apparently I felt I had to make 2 cakes. Again, I'm ridiculous sometimes).
RG's lego cake. This was one of the most simple cakes to make.
Bread pan cakes, one cut in half, marshmallows for the pegs. Frost. I loved the simplicity of these.
Friends/family combined party 2015. Super themed Star Wars party complete with cake. Also gluten free. The garbage is GF cereals and GF pretzels with GF graham crackers for the walls. Non edible characters.
Family party 2013. This was actually more Nasser's creation I think.
He helps me sometimes on the cakes, but this one he handled almost entirely on this own.
I was probably stressed, maybe even depressed, that day. Sounds like me.
Family party 2014. That's supposed to be Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon".
This was definitely one of my more difficult attempts,
and it was my first time using fondant. Homemade fondant. Gluten free.
Family party 2012. It was TK's first birthday, so we called the
little volcano his "smash cake". The big volcano was RG's piece and the rest were cupcakes.
And because Adam was present for this cake, I have to share one more:
Family party 2011. RG's 3rd birthday and our first attempt at a "fancy" cake.
This is actually Adam's picture. I can't seem to find any with him in it from this visit.
But he got a picture of the cake.
I've been thinking about Adam more this evening and feeling sad about everything. We've been so go go go this summer, that it's been difficult to take the time to be more reflective. And I think I need to do that, as part of my grieving process. I'm glad we're done traveling for awhile, because although we've been doing a lot of things, maybe seeming "ok", we're not there. We're not really healed, and we're not at acceptance yet with the grief.
I was feeling guilty about all the busyness we've had this summer, like we're doing a disservice to Adam by not grieving more or something. Nasser pointed out that we couldn't very well deprive our kids of their summer or expect them to feel sad all the time. Life does move on, I suppose, in many ways, and yet it's almost more required for us to do that quickly when kids are involved. Time doesn't stop for them.
It's not been easy. To be "ok" for our kids. Or to explain to them sometimes that we're not doing as well because we're sad about Adam dying. (If you are new to the blog by the way, the story with Adam is best found here).
Right now though, as much as I'd like to continue writing since there's a lot in my brain right now, I need to get some sleep. There's a lot of things I know I need to keep my depression at bay. Regular exercise which I haven't been getting, although I did get in a 2mi run finally this evening. In the dark. Sleep is another big one. We've slept in until 9am the last 2 days, really needing it. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again tomorrow, but I still have so much to do.
Good night, dear blog.
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