we're coming to the edge, running on the water

Sunday, 10/16/16, 9:43am

(Side note at 1:40pm, I was all ready to scrap this post, because I got to a lower state and I thought I sounded too optimistic here, if that gives you any gauge of how I'm doing... whatever. I'll post it anyway and hope that it's hopefulness at the end picks me back up.)

For a little while now, I've been less interested to blog when I'm in a crappy mood. I feel like I've had to force myself to blog during a low, whereas I used to feel a need for the blog before. I think it probably has a little to do with the fact that I do share my blog more widely now and more people can know about my lows.

I think I was calmed into a lull when I first started with the blog. At first I only shared with people who were super close to me, who weren't going to judge me. But as I've shared more, and more widely, and become more and more vulnerable, it's become more scary. People have said things with well intentions that still sting, and people have said things with judging intentions (not many thankfully!). And it's scary to know that I've just signed myself up for anyone and everyone to judge me, my self care, my treatment of my depression, because apparently we do that with mental health, more so than we do with physical health. It's really weird how we do that. I mean I suppose we judge people who refuse to see a doctor, for whatever the reason, but with mental health, we really judge people on "how hard they're trying". I mean, for crying out loud, I do see a psychiatrist and a therapist (pretty damn regularly), and I exercise and blog and seek support from those around me, and sure, maybe I don't practice mindfulness as often as I should, but I'm TRYING.

I don't know why I feel the need to start off so defensively.

I suppose it's in preparation to say, I'm not entirely sure that this new medication IS working as amazingly well as I initially thought. It's not a miracle drug. And I suppose I never really thought it would be. But I think it did kick in, right around the end of my last period, while we were in Bermuda, and everything felt really great for awhile. And it was this nice long stretch of wonderfulness. And even though I was talking about how I don't want to take that as an expectation of the future, I must have still done that.

This weekend has been super busy for us, in comparison to a lot of recent weekends, and although it's all good things, it's taken a toll on my mood. The anxiety and depression crept into my day yesterday, despite a really great day Friday, starting with a beautiful bike ride with a friend,

a birthday party for a nephew, and quality hanging out with Nasser time after his work trip this week.

(Sorry had to share those pictures). (ARGH, I am not supposed to say sorry. So with the habit I'm trying to form as suggested by Nasser, I will say instead, I love you blog, for allowing me to get distracted with sharing the good stuff, in the middle of sharing the bad stuff. Because that's how I roll).

Yesterday was tough. At many different points. It was also good at many different points. Nasser and I got through a tough discussion about the way we were interacting with eachother and we talked about me trying to cut politics out of my life a little bit since it works me up a bit much. We also had RG's choir concert. Did I tell you he's in a choir this year?? Yeah, I love it. Anyway, I wasn't about to back out of his first ever concert that he was super nervous about, because of some effing depression, so I rallied. But maybe my eyes were a little red and puffy. And I didn't talk much to anyone else. And we really didn't do much afterward with people but it was ok. RG was in a bad mood for awhile about the long day, and dinner plans, and his itchy pants, and he was probably exhausted. Of course, at bed time, he couldn't stop talking with me about the concert, and singing bits of songs, and he seemed to love the choir again.

But then after the kids went to bed, the depression crept in again. I can't even remember what triggered it initially, but it was worsened when we were watching one of our favorite comedians (one we saw live together as one of Nasser's and my first dates back in the day) make several jokes in a row about how psychiatrists aren't real doctors. Oh man that hurt. It was like a blow to the stomach, but I guess more a blow to the brain. Your disease isn't valid. It's all in your head. Just snap out of it. That's the stigma I get faced with in our culture all. the. freaking. time. I'm sure I notice it more because those words scream out at me more than they do other people. I was terrified to watch any other shows or comedians or whatever for fear that there would be more mental illness trivialization.

Today is a bit busy as well with another nephew's birthday party this afternoon (my sister's birthday was yesterday, the nephews' birthdays are this week, a day apart from eachother, and my dad's birthday is next week - October is a busy month for us!!), and I am trying. This morning isn't super easy because Nasser is taking a few hours to play video games with friends who don't live here, online. I've felt better about giving him this time more regularly, since playing with other people is better for him than playing alone, plus it gives him social time with these friends. Normally it's fine, but today the game it a bit more violent with the zombies, and the killing, and the gore, and we're not letting the kids watch. They've gotten some of their own video game time in, hence the ability for me to blog. But I needed it. Already the depression had crept in this morning with me yelling at Nasser for sleeping in, ALL THE TIME, which he really doesn't do. Then he held me while we practiced some mindfulness/breath concentration together to try and prevent me from crying. I still cried, but maybe it wasn't as bad as it would have been had we not practiced.

We decided some verbiage around mindfulness practice. It is a practice, just like yoga. One that, I believe, allows for no existence of failure. If you practice, you will likely get better at it, and you're doing it. You can't be bad at it, there is only the possibility of not practicing it. If you find yourself with wondering thoughts, you simply try again. If you are in a balance yoga pose, and your raised leg falls to the floor, you simply take a deep breath, and try again.

I suppose that's exactly life. You fall down those holes. Maybe you get stuck sometimes, having trouble finding the way out, but we all stop and help eachother along the way. Thank goodness for that.

everything in its right place

Saturday, 07/23/16, 4:10pm, 8:37pm; Sunday, 07/23/16, 12:32am

Typically when I write a blog post, I start with my "time stamp" and just write. Once I finish writing and start to edit (I try to edit the content as little as possible though, mostly it's for grammar and flow purposes), I think about the post title, I look through various songs to come up with the perfect lyrics. Oftentimes it's the song and the artist and the lyrics that all have a profound effect on my current mood, or a mood I wish to convey. Yeah, I'm nerdy; I put a lot of thought into each post title. If you follow along and try to figure out which song it's from, it can be a little puzzle to my readers as well. I'm so nerdy I started keeping a spreadsheet of my blog titles, which songs and artists they come from, etc.

But I digress. Today I was inspired by a facebook post from my brother-in-law. It's a little facebook game of posting a song, and assigning the people who like your post a letter. They then post a song or artist with that letter. Anyway, he assigned me "E" and I posted "Everything in its Right Place" by Radiohead. If you know Radiohead, and you're a longtime reader, you probably know I love them a lot. :) The song is worth a listen.

The song feels like an anxious mood to me, as probably a lot of their songs give. Perhaps that's why I connect with Radiohead music so much. A lot of the songs speak to my depression and anxiety and honestly help me release some of those feelings when I listen to their music.

I feel like I have a lot of things floating in my head right now, heading towards anxiety, so I decided to blog to help with that.

We are throwing a birthday party for our boys tomorrow (their birthdays are a week apart in July). At our house. With a fair number of people attending (including a lot of kids). And we just got back from San Diego late Thursday night (or should we call it early Friday morning??). And we've been traveling a ton this summer. And the house isn't quite cleaned yet. Actually there's still a lot to do. And I'm not even counting the whole cake making process. Because to be honest, I get a little nuts about the cake every year and I always want to make it exceptional. My sister, Audra, and I are both this way, although I do think she's more talented than me.

Here are a few of my cakes over just the past few years.

Friends party 2013. That is a blue whale rice krispies treat cake. 

Friends party 2014. TK's construction site cake. 

Friends party 2014 (it was a joint friends party to celebrate both kids 

and apparently I felt I had to make 2 cakes. Again, I'm ridiculous sometimes). 

RG's lego cake. This was one of the most simple cakes to make. 

Bread pan cakes, one cut in half, marshmallows for the pegs. Frost. I loved the simplicity of these.

Friends/family combined party 2015. Super themed Star Wars party complete with cake. Also gluten free. The garbage is GF cereals and GF pretzels with GF graham crackers for the walls. Non edible characters. 

Family party 2013. This was actually more Nasser's creation I think. 

He helps me sometimes on the cakes, but this one he handled almost entirely on this own. 

I was probably stressed, maybe even depressed, that day. Sounds like me.

Family party 2014. That's supposed to be Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon".

This was definitely one of my more difficult attempts, 

and it was my first time using fondant. Homemade fondant. Gluten free.

Tomorrow's cake is going to be dinosaur. It's sorta a Jurassic Park/ Jurassic World themed party. But the cake it going to be more generic dinosaur. I've done a dinosaur cake before and it was actually one of my most fun ones to decorate. So I'm rather excited to do it again, with some differences. Here was 4 years ago:

Family party 2012. It was TK's first birthday, so we called the 

little volcano his "smash cake". The big volcano was RG's piece and the rest were cupcakes.

And because Adam was present for this cake, I have to share one more:

Family party 2011. RG's 3rd birthday and our first attempt at a "fancy" cake. 

This is actually Adam's picture. I can't seem to find any with him in it from this visit. 

But he got a picture of the cake.

I've been thinking about Adam more this evening and feeling sad about everything. We've been so go go go this summer, that it's been difficult to take the time to be more reflective. And I think I need to do that, as part of my grieving process. I'm glad we're done traveling for awhile, because although we've been doing a lot of things, maybe seeming "ok", we're not there. We're not really healed, and we're not at acceptance yet with the grief. 

I was feeling guilty about all the busyness we've had this summer, like we're doing a disservice to Adam by not grieving more or something. Nasser pointed out that we couldn't very well deprive our kids of their summer or expect them to feel sad all the time. Life does move on, I suppose, in many ways, and yet it's almost more required for us to do that quickly when kids are involved. Time doesn't stop for them. 

It's not been easy. To be "ok" for our kids. Or to explain to them sometimes that we're not doing as well because we're sad about Adam dying. (If you are new to the blog by the way, the story with Adam is best found here). 

Right now though, as much as I'd like to continue writing since there's a lot in my brain right now, I need to get some sleep. There's a lot of things I know I need to keep my depression at bay. Regular exercise which I haven't been getting, although I did get in a 2mi run finally this evening. In the dark. Sleep is another big one. We've slept in until 9am the last 2 days, really needing it. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again tomorrow, but I still have so much to do. 

Good night, dear blog.