where have all the flowers gone?

Monday, 07/18/16, 6:04pm

Sigh.

Cringe. Tears coming. Sniff.

Can't cry right now. Our dinner is coming soon and I don't want the delivery person to know that I'm in a horrible place right now.

Nasser is working today, only for the past 4ish hours. We all went to Legoland in the morning, and we left around 1:30pm so he could head to work. Things were going decently well this afternoon but then it all fell apart when RG and I just got on eachother's nerves or something. I think we're all overtired. We're all stressed. And we're all kinda feeling done with travel.

We really don't need screaming matches in the hotel room on this trip. And yet it happened. And I tried to control my temper and my volume but there were a few times I did that badly.

I feel trapped. We're on this trip to San Diego and it's mostly been going well, but right now all I want to do is go home. I even went so far as to look at flights for heading home tomorrow. I still have those tabs open; that idea isn't off the table for me.

I hate feeling like this. I'm not full blown depressive episode still, despite how bad I probably sound, but I hate feeling like this. On the verge and feeling a whole ton of anger.

I feel stupid for planning so much for this summer. I feel stupid for thinking I was in a good swing. Well I suppose I was, but that appears to be over. I feel stupid for being a mom when I clearly am not cut out for it. I feel stupid for existing.

Oh that's not going to help thinking like that. The tears are coming and I'm not sure I can stop them. Shit.

I want to just curl up and go to sleep until tomorrow. That's a better statement than what I really want to say right now. But I don't want to give voice at the moment to my deepest, darkest thoughts.

I hate it all sometimes. Everything. My life. My depression. My anxiety. My inability to handle the difficulties thrown at me.

Sigh. Red, wet eyes already. That sucks.