you walk a lonely road

Thursday, 07/28/16, 8:52am

I'm blogging again this morning, because apparently that's what I do when I feel this way.

I'm in a depressive rut again I think. I've been kinda almost there for the past several days, since returning from San Diego. Part of it is probably my period. My period which won't follow the birth control medication I'm on which is meant to help my mood. Maybe I should just get everything down there removed and take supplemental hormone in the right amount for me. Or maybe I should remove myself from all medications I'm currently on and find my actual baseline. Is it actually worse when I'm not on medication? I don't know.

I'm feeling frustrated with my treatment, I'm feeling frustrated with my illness.

I know that part of my mood has been that Nasser and I seem to keep having arguments/serious discussions. Discussions that have needed to happen, but have had a big impact on my mood. We both have some things we need to work on when talking to eachother. I, for one, do way way way too much of fighting unfair. I name call, I raise my voice, I bring up things from the past. Understandably, Nasser doesn't react well when I do that. He often gets defensive when we talk, which further escalates the situation.

I've been suggesting we go to some more marriage counseling. We have done this in the past and we did learn how to talk to eachother nicely and respectfully, but we don't always do that in real life. Nasser thinks we don't need more marriage counseling; we simply need to practice what we already know. As long as that works, I think we're ok.

The other thing about my depression is I tend to blow things out of proportion or take things way more seriously than they probably are. One fight (even if most of it is serious discussion where we are talking nicely to eachother) can make me feel like it's the end of our marriage. And I don't want that, I'm not choosing that.

I love Nasser. Despite our fights, despite things that we don't agree on, I love him. He is my partner. He is still the person I rely on the most. Although I'm starting to realize that I need to be more careful in how I treat him when I'm not doing well. I've hurt him a lot when I've been angry or depressed, and that in turn, hurts me.

We are starting to realize that Nasser needs a stronger support network himself. He can't keep handling my depression entirely on his own. And I suppose he doesn't, I do rely on friends and family, sometimes. And I have my therapy, and my psychiatrist, and my medication, and my various coping mechanisms.

The other big thing that's probably impacting my mood is I haven't really exercised much in awhile. This summer hasn't been great for that. Part of it was Adam's death, and dealing with grief, and dealing with worsened depression and lack of motivation due to that. Part of it has been the copious amounts of travel we've been doing. And part of it has been having both kids at home, I haven't really figured out how to fit it in.

I know that's not helping me though, and I got close to going for a run this morning, but I backed out. Again. Today, I'm going to try not to fixate on that and shame myself for not going. Because when I shame myself, I get more depressed, and that motivation gets worse and worse. Stupid depression.

Today I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where my depression will take me, and I don't know if I can manage to ignore it and get together with family during the day today. Maybe I don't have to ignore it to be around people but I also don't want to sob at the park. I think the writing has helped though; maybe I just need to keep doing the right things for myself this morning and try desperately to make this a better day. Dear readers out there, wish for me strength and motivation. And virtual hugs.