that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

Thursday, 10/19/17, 4:46pm, 9:22pm

This post is going to be written at various different points. Right now, RG is supposedly working on homework on the loft... dunno if that's actually happening at all... TK is doing a "brainy" type game on my phone because he already accomplished the couple things he was supposed to do after school including going over "rainbow words"- words he needs to learn to recognize and then spell (good 'ole 1st grade stuff, right?). Poor RG certainly has harder homework, being in 4th grade and all, but then you throw ADHD on top of all that, it's hard. He is on medication again, not sure if I've gone into that on my blog, but I also don't care to give you every detail of his medical care since he is a minor and all, so whatever. Anyway, his new med is helping but then it doesn't last all day, so when he comes home from school is kinda the medication wearing off period. So yeah. Homework isn't the easiest thing.

So that's what the kids are doing, and we're currently waiting for my parents to come by. Nasser is on a business trip in San Diego, has been since yesterday morning, but then he comes back late tonight, so YAY! It's good that it's a short trip for the first one in over a year (have I mentioned he hasn't done a work trip since last August... mostly because of me? yeah...). Mainly just because it's good to kinda get used to the business trip thing slowly at first again. And you know, I'm still going through treatment and all... just had one this past Monday.

I should address the depression that I had end of last week... I think I kinda freaked out about it because it was the exact 3 and 4 days before my next treatment, and it was sorta what the doctor had warned to watch for. But then Saturday and Sunday were totally decent days, so it's not the same as what he was talking about. Likely it was just some depression that hit, randomly, and kinda hard, maybe worse so because it had been awhile and worse still because I freaked myself out over what this depression "meant" and what was going to happen with my treatment because of it.

So really... it's ok.

Also, just something small I need to correct, because yeah, perfectionism coming through here. A couple posts ago I told you how many posts I had, but the number I gave was my total published plus drafts. And that's not really fair. I should have only given the published number because that's the official one, which is currently 188. Not a huge huge difference, but enough for me to care about.

So... things have been going decently well this week, despite treatment, despite Nasser's business trip. I'm not trying to put my expectations too high while he's gone, I'm not really doing any cooking with him gone, because I don't want to trap myself into any triggers. I'm keeping it easy. Yesterday, we just hung out, after school, we ordered Domino's delivery for dinner, RG was doing a lot of homework after dinner, then I attempted to get the boys to bed early, which basically just ended up "on time". But it was good. I felt a confidence boost in handling everything myself, which I really needed. I had decided that trying to go somewhere in order to get together with other people would end up too stressful for me... it honestly took a long time and a lot of discussing (with various family members, and Nasser, and my therapist, and myself) to figure out what I was going to do. And then I figured today, being the second day of the trip, would be a good day to have my parents over.

I'm definitely hoping RG finishes his homework before dinner today. He worked on homework last night, after dinner, but then still had stuff to finish this morning. Ugh... stressful. It shouldn't be stressful for me, I'm not the one with the homework, and yet it still is. Sigh.

Oh. I have to share something RG made for me yesterday, when he wasn't doing homework (apologies for the continuous talk of homework). Anyway, he bought this multi-color pen at the school book fair yesterday, and started off drawing snowflakes on my arms (because he remembers my obsession of doing this on myself for tatoo ideas... I have vague memories of writing a post with pictures of these at some point but cannot seem to find them to link to so we're outta luck with that here). At some point, I was like "Ah, this is just too painful. I think your pen is not meant for skin; it's meant for paper." So he drew me this...

*heart melts*


Ok, so I'm going to tell you that right now it's much later... after 9pm... boys are in bed and I am too but wondering if I should finish up this blog post (!). So since I mentioned how RG is now on a new medication, I should also mention that silly, trying to remember everything me, this morning, completely forgot to give him his med. And he had a total meltdown at bedtime since his homework wasn't finished and it sounds like he probably had more homework to finish because he didn't have his medicine today. So that made me feel really crappy, and give him some extra time to work when it was truly past bedtime, and I reset the alarm clock in their bedroom to be a bit earlier so he can wake up earlier and hopefully finish in the morning. Honestly he works decently well in the mornings... new energy with the new day, etc, I guess.

I'm impressed that I didn't totally melt down when I realized I had forgotten RG's med this morning. I guess I was slightly triggered, but I kept my calm, I comforted RG during his meltdown, and I tried to find some solutions. And I still kept moving toward the goal of getting the boys to sleep... it was later than I would have liked, but it all worked out in the end.

Alright, it is barely past 9:30pm, but I'm .... going to sleep. Because I do that, especially since getting this CPAP to sleep with. I dunno, it's like maybe I am catching up on all the sleep I missed for so long. Well, until next time, dear readers.

I'd like to be, under the sea

Monday, 07/25/16, 2:22pm

The birthday party went off pretty smoothly; I definitely didn't do everything I wanted to, but things turned out well and the kids had a blast, which was the goal. I didn't get to sit much, my ankle is aggravated after feeling almost recovered, so that makes me angry. Did you know that I rolled my ankle in the half marathon I did about a month ago? I can't remember if I told you, although here is the post for anyone who would like to read it. It's long and it's about both the triathlon and the half marathon, complete with pictures. :)

Today I've been working on being more reflective and giving a lot of focus to the kids. I took many pictures through our morning since I really wanted to remember everything we've done.

But before we get into today, I need to quickly show off my cake. With just a little bit of bragging. Because apparently I show my love for my kids through cake decorating. Not really baking, because I use a mix.

Anyway, here it is:

Here are some prep pictures:

And more detail, because it's all about the detail:

I love decorating cakes like this. In a lot of ways it's more fun when the dinosaurs are edible (maybe fondant someday?) but these are also fun to take home and play with. Oh and may I point out the red Spinosaurus in the water, near the beach? This is where scientists (currently) think that this dinosaur would have been found, catching fish, similar to a crocodile. The Spinosaur is currently hunting the Maiasaura on the beach who seems to have lots its herd. The kids helped me place the dinosaurs, of course.

You must also see Nasser's carved watermelon:

This morning, we rode bikes, with their new air horns from Grandma, with TK on the next slightly bigger, but in many ways better, bike.

I pulled out my old high school bike, hah!

It went well although TK did walk his bike several times. He's getting there and new, bigger bikes are hard.

RG and I have talked about Amu Adam quite a bit in the last 2 days. About age differences between mine and Nasser's siblings, and the age difference between RG and TK. And how Amu Adam was a math genius. RG loves to hear about that.

The boys started building an airport out of cardboard boxes and legos and magformers. Right now it's somewhat destroyed so I'll have to get pictures later.

I felt like a good mom this yesterday and today so far. I like feeling that way and it seems easier for me to be when we're not traveling so much. I think this summer so far has been too much travel, which has been fun and exciting, and terrible when it was for Adam's wake and funeral, but it's been too much. I'm so so glad we're home for a little bit. Ahem, before our next camping trip. And fun stuff around where we live like museums and planetariums and hikes and maybe movies in the movie theater. It still feels like there's a lot left to do in the summer but very little time to do it. Sigh. I guess that's life in a nutshell, right?

I need to do some thinking and evaluating about my treatment. Nasser was quite concerned after my big depressive episode last Monday night in San Diego. Although I actually recovered (I thought most of the way at least) quite quickly, I scared Nasser quite a bit during it. At the time I was texting him that I was looking at flights home early for the kids and I. This was after only a few hours of him at work, after spending the whole weekend together along with Monday morning at Legoland. He felt like he could no longer travel for work. Which he really needs to be able to do for this job.

And it didn't make sense to me. Why, after his India trip, after a really good San Diego trip, could I not handle him traveling? But this time, we were along for the ride, doing lots and lots of activities, playing in San Diego, which was fun, but stressful for me. I'm way more relaxed in my own environment, honestly, our own house and neighborhood, at least our own state. Weekend camping or ski trips are easier than anything where we have to fly and are constricted to certain size/shape bags. And I don't like living out of a suitcase, doing laundry in the hotel laundry facilities. Cuz yeah, that was Monday afternoon last week. Hmmm, laundry in a hotel, I can see why I got depressed. Dinner at the hotel, delivery, was probably harder even though it ended up good.

Travel can be lots of fun but...

I think the point I'm trying to get at, is I'm way more comfortable when I can lay on my bed and blog, in my biking clothes from the morning, in my own home. Where I can help the boys draw a runway on the flattened cardboard and stretch and foam roll and work on ideas for improving our backyard and painting our boys' room and... I guess it's where everyone wants to be, at home. At home with themselves. At home with their friends and their families. We seek home, love, and comfort.

There are the days for adventures and searching and learning, and some of it can happen at home with imaginations and creativity. And sometimes there are days for rest.

I'm on a roll this time, I feel my luck could change

Wednesday, 07/20/16, 8:16am

I'm doing better.

I was doing better yesterday but I didn't take the time to blog.

We did not go home early, and today I'm trying my hardest to make it a special day for RG's birthday. We're thinking a beach nearby and Legoland in the afternoon/evening, especially if Nasser can get a ride to Legoland to meet us. We'll see.

Yesterday, we ended up canceling our original plans for the zoo and mostly took it easy at the hotel, going to the pool two separate times. We needed it.

Really the trip has gone quite well, despite some hiccups in my mood at a few different times. Last night was another tough time for a bit, starting off with an older lady coming over to our table at dinner to tell our kids to stop "screaming". In actuality they were laughing hysterically with Nasser's coworker, but it still threw me off and made me feel awful.

Sigh.

Let's try to focus on the good though.

We've seen a number of wonderful friends so far, we've gone to Legoland, we went sailing, we've played at the pool a bunch. I've gotta include some of those pictures. TK often tries to hide in the group photos.

Let's hope that today continues to go well and we finish the trip on a high note. Let's not just hope. Let's work at it.

where have all the flowers gone?

Monday, 07/18/16, 6:04pm

Sigh.

Cringe. Tears coming. Sniff.

Can't cry right now. Our dinner is coming soon and I don't want the delivery person to know that I'm in a horrible place right now.

Nasser is working today, only for the past 4ish hours. We all went to Legoland in the morning, and we left around 1:30pm so he could head to work. Things were going decently well this afternoon but then it all fell apart when RG and I just got on eachother's nerves or something. I think we're all overtired. We're all stressed. And we're all kinda feeling done with travel.

We really don't need screaming matches in the hotel room on this trip. And yet it happened. And I tried to control my temper and my volume but there were a few times I did that badly.

I feel trapped. We're on this trip to San Diego and it's mostly been going well, but right now all I want to do is go home. I even went so far as to look at flights for heading home tomorrow. I still have those tabs open; that idea isn't off the table for me.

I hate feeling like this. I'm not full blown depressive episode still, despite how bad I probably sound, but I hate feeling like this. On the verge and feeling a whole ton of anger.

I feel stupid for planning so much for this summer. I feel stupid for thinking I was in a good swing. Well I suppose I was, but that appears to be over. I feel stupid for being a mom when I clearly am not cut out for it. I feel stupid for existing.

Oh that's not going to help thinking like that. The tears are coming and I'm not sure I can stop them. Shit.

I want to just curl up and go to sleep until tomorrow. That's a better statement than what I really want to say right now. But I don't want to give voice at the moment to my deepest, darkest thoughts.

I hate it all sometimes. Everything. My life. My depression. My anxiety. My inability to handle the difficulties thrown at me.

Sigh. Red, wet eyes already. That sucks.

just keep swimming, swimming, swimming

Thursday, 07/14/16, 10:14am

I've been in a pretty good stretch lately, as far as my depression goes. It's gotten close a few times in all the travel we've been doing lately, but not enough so that I would call it a full-blown episode. The grief of my brother-in-law's death is still there, though better.

Being in a good stretch is nice, wonderful, but I often feel a little guarded. There's this nagging feeling of will that depression hit right when I forget about it? And when I do forget about it, inevitably the depression hits. And oftentimes because I got comfortable, it hits harder than ever before. I hate that cycle of my illness. I mean, yes, I appreciate the good times and love that the depression isn't hitting then. But that downswing is tough.

We fly to San Diego tomorrow night. Yeah, another trip. It feels a little ridiculous now that we're living this, but as Nasser pointed out to me, the reason we booked so many activities and travel this summer is because I'm not working. We were really trying to take advantage of that.

There's been a fair amount of being at home too, in between trips and activities. Of course, the state of the house makes me feel like we haven't been here in ages. There are at least 3 suitcases, 2 backpacks, and several piles of clean clothes on my bedroom floor right now. I started some folding this morning, and I think that's what I need to tackle today. That plus a couple more loads of laundry, maybe some packing, hopefully some outside time (don't get me started on the state of our yard!), and maybe finally putting away the garment bag from the Adam funeral trip (it's still sitting on the back of a chair in our dining room).

I don't really have more to say today. Just keep swimming all.

but I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Thursday, 04/07/16, 8:28am

I've been needing to blog. I tried writing a post yesterday, but never got enough focus to finish it. It doesn't help when I can only get a paragraph out every 6ish hours.

I like to blog/write during the day the best. I'm at home with TK during the day, until RG gets off the bus at 2:44pm, so it's a little tricky to fit in the time. It works best when I give TK something to totally occupy his time while I'm writing, and a fair amount of the time that ends up being screens. But I weigh that with the benefit I get the whole family gets from my blogging and it's worth it. But occupying TK is just part of it; if we're out of the house all day with activities, I often don't get the time. But then occupying our time with activities, getting TK and me social time and outside the house time, is all really important too. And then on top of the blogging time and the social time, I always want to fit in exercise time when I can get it. Sometimes I can do a workout DVD while TK plays with dinosaurs or we can have a "dance party" with awesome 80s music, and lately I've been getting lots of runs due to the influence of Audra, my sister. She is stay-at-home as well, and her kids are very close in age to my kids (oh and they are all boys), so we hang out together a lot. Lately, she's been training for a speedier half marathon, and her workout plan has her running 5 days a week. So, that's got me running about 3-4 days a week, either with her (often with her pushing both our boys in the jogging stroller) or switching off with her (while the other one watches the boys at one of our houses). It's been great to have that running influence in her and the support to get workouts in during the week.

Speaking of running, I've decided to be pretty ambitious this year. I signed up early for an olympic distance triathlon in June. And I had in the back of my mind that I wanted to try for a half marathon (my first) in the fall. I still want to do that, but I've since added some running races as part of the training somewhat. I'm signed up for a 10-miler on Mother's Day and the Bolder Boulder 10k on Memorial Day. And I might actually do a virtual half marathon over the summer if the 10-miler feels ok. I have in the back of my mind some concerns over pushing it into injury, but I'm also trying to be very careful to listen to my body, ice if ever needed after bigger runs, foam roll and stretch often.

I've loved having specific races to look forward to and this year I'm getting more serious about training for things. Last year, I did my first sprint distance triathlons, which were great, but I was already in reasonable shape for surviving the distances and I really didn't train all that much. I want to much more this year, and really I have to. I am definitely not as comfortable with the olympic distances for the triathlon, and I cannot just run a half marathon on a whim. Although I'm getting closer to being able to do that! ;)

Yesterday, and a little the day before, I was having some of those life inadequacy, no confidence feelings. Having no engineering job has definitely contributed to those feelings. Being at home with the kids is great, it's rewarding, but it's often rather thankless. There are a lot of days where I feel totally unproductive and I seem to accomplish nothing. But that comes with the territory, and days where I feel depressed, I sometimes need to let go of the expectation that I do accomplish anything. And that's ok.

I'm not sure where I'm going with my blog post, but that's also how I've been feeling about my life right now. Feeling a little lost and like my goals are just floating around me, some of them really distant and out of focus. Some of them feel really selfish right now, but I also recognize that I need a little bit of that too. Being good to myself comes back in my easier struggle with depression which then makes me a better mom and wife. It's weird, a lot of people ask me how I'm liking being at home. And I don't want to tell people, yeah I like it more because I'm being selfish a lot and taking care of my needs as much as possible. But to some extent, that's a big reason why I like it right now. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the time with the kids, I'm so glad to have a more relaxed schedule for RG completing homeowork, for being able to volunteer for things here and there in the school, and I think that my being at home the last 7ish months has really improved our children in a lot of ways. And all those reasons are huge for the case for me being at home. But that selfish bit, that's a nice perk.

So this may come as a surprise to my longer term readers, but would you have guessed that I wrote as much as I have above without mentioning that Nasser is on a work trip this week? Normally I feel the need to blog about it before, during, at the end because I am stressed out beyond belief at the idea of him being away and leaving me all the responsibility. But this trip has been amazingly different. He left early Tuesday morning and is coming back really late tonight, so 3 day trip. Pretty typical for San Diego. BUT, now that I've survived a week long India trip, 3 days doesn't sound too bad. And although he's really busy with meetings, he feels so much more accessible on this trip because he isn't sleeping most of our day. And of course, he just feels so much closer. Regardless, the fact that I was more confident before and during this trip, shows amazing progress. :)

Since this blog post is all over the place today, and feels a little like I'm just catching up and reflecting on the state of my life right now, I have one bit of bragging to do.

RG wrote a short story last month and submitted it in this young authors writing contest. It was an optional thing to do, and it was awesome to watch him work on it and complete it. It was a good 3 day project, typing away on my chromebook for a good hour or so each day. He wrote it in Google Documents, added a Google image, and the only thing I really helped with was spelling and grammar here and there. It was a little stressful at times when he still had a ways to go on the last day before the story was due, but it was really fun. Anyway, his story ended up being selected (!!!), along with several others, to be read aloud by professional actors in a couple little performances in Boulder and Denver. The first one is this weekend, and we're so excited.