I hear it’s music ringin’, it sounds an echo in my soul, how can I keep from singin’?

Sunday, 10/02/16, 10:01am

We've taken this weekend as pretty lazy so far. I left the house for a grocery and library dropoff run this morning, but mostly we've been hibernating. Nasser especially needed the break after a stressful shortish week back at work, with late night calls pretty much every day. I think he still has some work to finish up this weekend for some things that are needed by tomorrow.

I haven't had all that much stress in the last few days and yet I'm the one who hasn't been doing as well. I'm mostly better from that depressive breakdown that hit hard Thursday and Friday, but still kinda off. Still edgy, still a bit anxious and easily triggered.

So I'm blogging now, as a preventative? I got in some good road riding on Wednesday this week, but other than that I haven't really been exercising as a preventative. I should be doing much more. I know think that getting into shape would help my depression, and yet dieting or restricting my eating, makes me feel low. I guess for a little bit. When I got myself on the Atkins diet earlier this summer, and didn't cheat, I felt good. But it took a good week or two to feel more normal on the diet. And apparently I can't get myself to go through that time period again in order to successfully diet and lose that extra weight.

And not that it really matters how much I weigh, or whether or not I have this extra tummy weight and separated abs from pregnancies, or whether or not I still fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes, or whether or not I "can get away with" wearing a bikini, because f that. I want to feel comfortable in my body and that's what I care about. I need to work on the confidence in what I've got thing and finding clothes that make me feel good in the body I have, not for the body I wish I had. And working throughout it to find a feel good and healthy weight on my body, one that maybe doesn't make my knees hurt as much wouldn't be bad to find, but I don't have to be super skinny or lose my athletic build or require a sugar free diet.

I like exercising and I would still recommend it to any and all. But I don't typically exercise for the purpose of looking great in a swimsuit or whatever. I do it because it's therapeutic to my mental state. I do it because it makes me healthier. I do it because I enjoy it. I do it because I love running races and triathlon races and bike charity events and open water swims and skiing and hiking and 14ers and big athletic accomplishments. I do it because it makes me feel good. I do it for me. I do it to enjoy all those athletic things with friends and family and my kids. I do it to help teach my kids by example, that leading a healthy lifestyle can be so beneficial and enjoyable.

I didn't realize I would get on my soap box about exercise in this post today. But that often happens with the blog. I come to it, sometimes with a few ideas, but I just start writing. I let my thoughts become real and readable to others. I don't know why. But since starting the blog, I feel the need to keep writing. It's not there every day, but almost. There are so many more thoughts that flash through my head throughout each day that never make it to the blog. So many insights that I think to myself, I need to write a blog post about this topic or whatever anecdote. And I forget the next time I sit down with my Chromebook. There's just always so much more we learn each and every day.

And so I keep writing.