I suffer from depression. Major depressive disorder. My long-term readers know this, but for anyone just joining us, there it is. If you'd like to read about how my disease manifested, go here.
A friend passed along a video called "What to say to your friend who has depression?" This is the absolute best thing I've seen on this topic. Watch it. Watch it right now.
The first time I watched it, I started crying. Because every single statement spoke to me. I often feel like a burden, a failure, not enough.
I think this is a video everyone should watch. If you haven't already, click it. You don't need sound, and it's short. If you did watch it, maybe watch it again. Because we need to learn the language for speaking to people with depression. Those with mental illness. Most people have trouble knowing what to say to someone who struggles with something unknown to them, whether it be grief, physical illness, mental illness, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, etc, etc. So instead we say nothing. Maybe that's better than saying the wrong thing, but saying nothing doesn't show the person that you care. Every one of the statements in the video shows that person that you care.
If you've been following my last couple weeks, they haven't been going so well. Depression- mild at times, rather worse at others, but quite continuous, and fatigue- I actually went to a primary care doctor the other day about it and they're running bloodwork. I've been grieving my brother-in-law, but things have felt even more off. There's some things going on with medications right now, as I talk about here. Nasser and I have been discussing the possibilities of changing my anti-depressant around, if the bloodwork tells us everything's good, and if we rule out the new birth control, and if I'm just not improving still. We're talking at least 6 weeks from now, and if my depression goes on that long......... oi.
My depression isn't typically like this. It's typically well managed by my medication, therapy, mindfulness practice (agh, when I do it!!), and regular exercise. I get depressed, even with all that, but it's usually "short" (a morning, evening, a full day at most). I call those "depressive episodes" and they do range in severity. Sometimes I can break down in an anxiety attack (oh yeah, I seem to suffer from that too) for 5 minutes, take an anti-anxiety pill, and I calm down within 15 minutes. Booyah. But if the anxiety leads to mild depression leads to severe depression, pack it in for the night. But again, "the night". My depression doesn't usually last for 2.5 weeks straight. I'm definitely improving now, but not in the clear.
And, again, maybe it is just the grief, but the primary care doctor mentioned that my psychiatrist could adjust my meds during this time. And that thought hadn't really occurred to me before. So there's another possibility to look into. It helps me to have these potential hopes to focus on during this depressive 2.5 week rut. It helps me a lot.
Today I drove Nasser and the boys to the airport so they could go to Chicago. Nasser is staying through the weekend, but the boys will be visiting with Grandma for a week. Although not quite, because I fly in for a whirlwind trip Wednesday and Thursday, and I will see the boys then. They don't actually come home until Sunday, June 26th (agh, the same day as my triathlon!). Then we all fly to Seattle the next day. Busy couple weeks, although I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands this next week. Theoretically I'm supposed to be "tapering" for my race, I've got some serious workouts to get in and a big decision to make about my triathlon. I still haven't decided if I'm doing the sprint or the olympic distance. I went to Stroke and Stride at the reservoir last night; I did the shorter swim course (since the longer was a second lap and I despise lapping in open water for some reason. no problem lapping in a pool though, I'm weird) which was 750m swim and 5k run. Now it was rather hot last night, like still 90deg or close to it when we started. But man, it was tough. I think I was one of two people who brought water on the run (that made me feel like a wimp!) and I finished it before I started the last mile. Of a 5k.
I'm glad I went to the Stroke and Stride, but it really made me question my ability to do the olympic distance. My sister, Audra, recently gave me a lot of encouragement on it since I can certainly do each of the distances on their own, but I do think this next week will really decide it for me. I am so grateful to have so many days to focus on myself, ummm, maybe some working on the house and yard as well, but the heat wave we've got is not going to help with the outdoor stuff. Maybe I'll take long naps during the day, and do lots of later evening/ early morning activities.
One more thing about the Stroke and Stride. You have to understand, this is in Boulder, Colorado. Many of these people were wearing Ironman gear; you know, Olympic athletes train in Boulder. I felt rather out of place to say the least. A woman passed me by, with an Ironman tattoo on her calf, and told me "you could run a marathon like that. you look strong!" Yeah, that helped my mood a little.
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