the lunatic is in my head

Thursday, 06/09/16, 12:56, 2:34, 4:20pm

We're on, what, day 10 of the depression streak. Well ok 2ish days in there weren't all depressed. Although it's been there in the background in everything I've done.

I've been trying to get myself to wake up early and go swim at the Y, before Nasser needs to go to work, before even the kids get up. I've been failing at it miserably though. Yesterday I got out of bed and stayed out of bed. I wasted more time than I should have on my phone, but I made it to swim. I got slightly more distance in than what I need to for the olympic triathlon I have coming up, so we're calling it a win. But. I felt like a failure for not getting to the pool earlier and getting more yardage in. I felt like a failure in the pool because it felt hard and I felt weak.

Today I tried to run, with my sister over hanging with the kids. I got about 2.4mi in before an anxiety attack hit and I couldn't breathe.

What is wrong with me?

I know what's wrong with me. A bunch of things.

We realized the thing about the birth control pill.

And then there's the grief of course.

And I realized I've only been taking 2/3 the dosage of one of my medications. I take 2 pills in the morning, 1 at night, to get my full daily dosage. But recently the bottle upstairs ran out so I haven't been taking the one at night. For about a week. So that would definitely explain a lot but not everything.

Then there's the factor of me sucking at life, not exercising enough, not doing the right things to keep the depression at bay. But then is that true or is that just the depression talking? Not so obvious to me.

I have no focus. No ability to form my thoughts together into explaining how this feels. I've had strong feelings of despair lately, feeling like I don't want to "do my life". Like I just don't want to do anything.

I guess I gotta remind myself this is mostly the medication stuff. We'll figure it out. It's just going to take some time. Ugh. Time. That again. Easy to say "it'll just take some time" when it comes to grief and depression, etc. But allowing time to pass without feeling like the scum of the earth in the meantime is rather difficult.