wake, from your sleep

Sunday, 06/12/16, 4:36, 7:54pm

Tomorrow will be a month since Adam died. A month. I can't really believe that it's actually been a month and yet the days have been this big long struggle.

I know that some of that is due to the variations in my medicines lately. The new birth control pill, which I stopped taking Thursday and started a new one Friday, and my stupidity with not taking my full dosage of my anti-depressant over the last week and a half-ish. Once I realized it, and told Nasser, we got me back to taking that full dosage. I think I'm improving, at least maybe I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now?

I made it through a bike ride yesterday, a decent one at that. I got in 22 miles, not quite the distance I need for the olympic triathlon I have coming up, but I did feel good and it was hot! I'm considering downgrading my triathlon to the shorter distance, the sprint, which is perfectly great to do. I just had decided on the olympic distance way back around the New Year when I signed up early. I hate that my training has been crap since Adam died, but it's also perfectly understandable. It just drives me crazy that I know exercise helps me, and yet I can't get myself to do it when I'm in a hole. The damn depression prevents me of the will I need to "just do it". Such an easy catchphrase for people to say, but honestly I think exercise is so much harder when you're feeling depressed. And yet it's so much more needed then too.

Today I did nothing. I don't know if that's totally true. We had a kindergarten playdate this morning, since TK is going into kindergarten in the fall (!!!). That was outside, and the heat, and being social, and all that, I think took a lot out of me. I feel a total lack of energy and will, and it took everything I had to have a proper lunch, which I didn't complete until close to 3pm. Of course Nasser and I were also meal planning and putting together the grocery list; meanwhile we got more and more hungry and on edge.

The weekend wasn't easy. Everything seemed like a struggle as we tried to be productive and feeling like we were failing miserably. It was hot and the kids didn't want to be outside much and that probably led to them being a bit stir crazy.

I feel drained, emotionally and physically, even though I barely exercised this weekend. Feeling low and bummed and still depressed. That light at the end of the tunnel looked brighter this afternoon, but as we're feeling frustrated with kids' bedtimes right now, it's all looking a bit darker. Why can't anything go right?

Feeling awful about the mass shooting in Orlando of course today. Stupid ugliness of the world; why do we allow just anyone to get a gun and why do we have to have these really horrible assault weapons available for anyone to buy? And why must people hate others who are different from them so much? It's completely disgusting and inhumane. People are different. So fucking what. Get over it.

Ok off that soapbox. Leaving my readers with yet another downer of a post. One of these days soon I will have another good day. Actual good day with little depression, if some grief still. One of these days.