woah, livin' on a prayer

Wednesday, 06/15/16, 9:44am

I went for a run yesterday, just over 5 mi, which was a big accomplishment. But since then my body has felt so incredibly weak and drained. Maybe I got really affected by the heat during the run? Or maybe I'm fighting a virus? Or maybe this is side effects of the new birth control? Or maybe this is a side effect of the depression or grief. I don't know. Too many factors going on in my life.

I have a list of to-dos, mostly in my head unfortunately, that have been pushed back since Adam's death. I haven't even begun to try and write thank-you notes for all the wonderful people who helped us, donated to the memorial funds, etc during that time, and continue to do so. I haven't much wanted to do anything in the last month.

Yesterday Nasser had offered some incentives for my run- eating a low carb ice cream type treat and playing board games together in the evening. I ended up doing neither because the depression hit a little harder last night. When I wrote my last blog post, I thought that I was getting better, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but then several times yesterday, the tunnel felt totally closed and trapped. I guess it's going to be that way for awhile, the ups and downs, the optimism at times, desperation at others.

I think that time has been a common theme of my last few posts. Time will heal, it just takes time, etc, etc. I expect that mindset is supposed to help at times like this, but it hasn't been helping me. In my times of deep depression and desperation, time feels like my worst enemy. If I can't get through the now, how will I get through the tomorrows?

But I need to remember it's one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Take it minute by minute if I have to. And I'm allowing a lot of personal expectations to go unmet and trying really hard to not beat myself up over that.

I wish I could get out of this rut more easily. I wish some of my usual coping strategies were helping more, although Nasser did help me with that last night and I was able to fall asleep without too much anxiety.

Just keep chugging along, right?