You know, there have been a few terrifying incidents lately involving children and a large animal. In May, a 3 year old boy at a zoo slipped into a gorilla enclosure. The security team shot the gorilla and the boy survived. Then about a week and a half ago, a 2 year old boy was snatched and pulled into the water by an alligator. Although his father fought the alligator, the alligator got away with the child and the boy was devastatingly killed. Just a few days later, a mountain lion attached a boy in his backyard. This time, this mother was able to pry the cat's jaws open and save her son.
Each incident, while awful and terrifying and devastating in many ways, sparked some real controversy on the internet. There's anger and blame being thrown about, especially towards the parents in each of these cases, with little regard for the horror those involved have experienced. I read one of the most viral responses to the blaming, and felt most inclined to share that one. This mother of 4 blogger starts off with:
Parents, I beg of you, stop blaming and shaming other parents.
35 years ago, a mom shopping in a Sears department store went to go look at lamps, and left her six year old with another group of boys, who were all trying out the new Atari game at a kiosk. That boy’s name was Adam Walsh.
30 years ago, an 18 month old toddler playing in her aunt’s backyard fell into a well. Rescuers worked nonstop for 58 hours, finally freeing “Baby Jessica” from the well.
In both cases a tragedy happened, an unforeseen tragic accident took place which left Adam dead, and a toddler fighting for her life deep underground. But they also has something else in common; they had an entire country of moms and dads supporting the grieving parents.
Let me repeat that, EVERYONE SUPPORTED THE RESCUE EFFORTS WITHOUT BLAME. NO BLAME. None. ZERO.
No questions asked, not one single “Where were the parents?” comment. Just a country of other moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas watching in horror as a set of parents, one of their own, went through the unthinkable. Adam was our son. Jessica was our baby daughter.
THOSE PARENTS WERE US.
The rest is worth a read, but keep your tissues nearby for the end. The point is, you don't understand what they've experienced and are experiencing, so stop judging.
Of course, this is readily applicable to all aspects of life. You don't understand what others have experienced, so stop judging. You can attempt to understand, through empathy (oh what's that? I've mentioned that word before? you're right, here, here, and here just to name a few).
Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Practice a little empathy and know that you make mistakes too. Again, this is applicable to all aspects of life. Every relationship, every interaction.
I'm not perfect either. I certainly have a lot of trouble empathizing with Donald Trump and understanding why he says such horrible and horrifying things. Speaking of which, also read this sometime. It's Aziz Anzari's essay, "Why Trump Makes Me Scared for My Family". Very very worth the read. And practice empathy as you read it.
A friend passed this article on to me, which highlights a study done by Northwestern University showing that a third of women, 37% actually, experienced depression while pregnant. I'll paste just a little bit.
Their data showed 37 percent said they experienced depression during the nine months of pregnancy, 25 percent pre-pregnancy and 38 percent during the postpartum period.
Everything from infertility to sickness to undergoing an enormous life change — to seeing others' happy belly bump photos on social media while not feeling similarly happy — can be part of a depression equation, women said in a previous report.
The women in the 2015 Chicago Tribune story spoke of depression so serious it meant delaying a second child or even had led to suicidal thoughts.
Despite more awareness around postpartum depression, that time period was least severe, researchers found.
I've wondered in the past whether or not my depression started while pregnant, and now I feel more confident to say that it did. I always felt like something was especially wrong with me because I wish that pregnancy hadn't "made me depressed". I've felt a lot of guilt over that, honestly. This week, since the kids have been in Chicago, I've felt less depressed and felt guilt over that. I start worrying that the kids "made me depressed". Certainly I'm more stressed, but that's not really true. And I wasn't even free of depression without the kids this week anyway. But my thoughts go there, and I feel this incredibly heavy guilt with the primary triggering thought being "I am a terrible mother".
Gotta keep fighting that triggering thought with my "evidence against".
- I love my children
- I want what's best for my children
- I want my children to be happy
- When I put my children to bed in Chicago Thursday night this week, it made me calm, and relaxed, and happy
- I've been refusing to clean up their fort on the loft this week because I know they would be sad to see it gone when they come home tomorrow
- I typed "they come home tomorrow" and a smile came to my face
It helps me to think through the "evidence against" that stupid, triggering thought.
Knowing how common it is for women to experience depression both pre-natal and postpartum, makes me feel less shame around my illness. Did you know that even though I write about my depression and share it openly, I still feel shame and the fear of stigma around my illness? Oh I feel them deeply. And I fight them every single day. Sometimes I fight them by writing and sharing my blog. Sometimes I fight them by posting articles about mental illness on social media. Sometimes I fight them by recovering from a depressive episode. Sometimes I fight them by being a little more open about my depression with my children. Sometimes I fight them by simply getting out of bed in the morning.
Tomorrow is my triathlon. I've decided to do the longer distance, the Olympic. I'm a little terrified of the distances, really each of them. Each one is a push for me. Then it's all together too, so yeah. But I intend to finish, with no injuries and a smile on my face even if it doesn't quite happen until I cross the finish line.
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