Well. We think we may have it figured out. I've been mildly, and at various points more seriously, depressed since I think last Tuesday ish. It's grief too so it's been confusing. But there's been plenty of it not related to Adam at all, all more of the usual ruminating thoughts for me. And some more triggering ones.
The weekend felt like a failure to me. It's strange to write that because Saturday I told a friend that it was the best day I'd had in awhile, probably since Adam died. And it's true. Thinking about that now, I can't believe, rationally, I could say that the weekend was a failure.
And yet.
Sunday was a strongly depressed day. I can't believe how much that changes my perspective of the entire weekend. But it was. Various points were more seriously depressed. I was all set to go for a 17/18 mile bike ride followed by a 5k run, and I just completely fell apart. Well I suppose that was after I fell apart the first time, earlier in the morning. I decided I couldn't bike because I didn't feel safe riding near cars. That was a low point of the depression yesterday.
So hang on. Let's not go into every depressed moment of yesterday, it's not worth reliving them all to try to learn from them and realize how horribly sad,
There were a lot of good parts too. We finished building the fort part of RG's bed. Ummm, yeah. Ridiculously big birthday present from 2? 3? years ago. I'll share a picture another day when that room is cleaner. We also watched a movie as a family. Which was nice.
But I had started off the post with "we may have it figured out". Having a multiple day depression, however mild at various points, is a little irregular for me. Perhaps it's the grief, but. It could be the new low hormone birth control pill I started. It just happened to coincide with the day that Adam died.
Today is the day, I think, based on my pills, I start my period. It's been typical for me to have depression in the days building up to my period. But this month seems worse. A lot worse.
So grief or pills? Maybe both. Maybe I can't decide for another month. Or maybe it's not worth trying out for another month because this amount of depression isn't worth risking. Yeah such is my life. Weighing all these different things that are affecting my mood and my depression. Too many factors every time and too hard to measure correlation vs causation when it's an experiment with my life.
Yeah that's depression for you. Mental illness for you. All you readers, is that scary? Terrifying? That every mental illness patient is continuously taking data in their life, trying to measure the causes of those bad moments, and cut out those things that don't make us feel good. We never quite know if something will work but you keep trying over and over again. I guess.
I filled out this registration form for a local grief group. I was thinking it might be worth trying and maybe if I think it's helpful, talk Nasser into it. They do an intake call to ask some questions about what's going on, etc. The lady called me this morning and it was a difficult and somewhat emotional conversation. I think I got into more detail that necessary about my own depression struggles with it, but whatever. This grief group is specific to "sudden loss" which applies strongly in our case.
What I want to find, and I've been searching with no such luck so far, is a grief group around deaths related to mental illness. Suicides would often fall under this category, but drug overdoses could as well. Deaths related to eating disorders, deaths of those whose mental illnesses overcame them in some way. Maybe it's not necessary, but that specificity feels like something I could really use right now. Maybe I'll start one, maybe an online community based one. Someday. When I feel ready for a new project.
It's pouring this afternoon. We actually made it to the pool after lunch and before the rain hit. It was nice. The kids really needed it even if it was harder for me.
I was going to say that it was nice to have the weather reflect my mood but it's already stopped raining.
I'm managing today, not amazingly well, but managing. We will figure out the medication thing and I'll find a more stable situation there. Someday. It just takes time, right? Ugh.
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